So... yeah. I guess this is a thing now.

I write stuff here so my head doesn't explode :D That would just be messy as fuck! And too gory...

[anothersadblogger]

Much time later

So what has happens since last time I wrote anything. First of, I finished my master’s thesis, got throw out of my collegium, lived at some friends’ place for 2,5 months, got my degree in molecular biology, went unemployed, got an apartment and now a 30 hour job for 6 months at my old supervisor’s lab. And that was over the course of around 5 months, which all have been the most stressed 5+some months of, probably, my entire life. And it hasn’t stopped, nothing is stable for me atm - or at least it feels that way in my head.

I’m currently sitting in a train back to my apartment after a weekend that started with a girl I like got a guy she likes over Friday, a funeral Saturday 2 hours away and in pouring rain/snow, and my sisters birthday at her and her boyfriend place. The latter a party I couldn’t get myself to enjoy the slightest. So I went to the station for an early train, which I missed die to change of task and me not checking up on that. Next train should arrive 30 minutes later, but was 10 minutes late. But I’m on that train now, so that’s a start I guess. However, I fear getting home to the apartment and the lonely company of my own brain. Two things I am all too familiar with - my brain and loneliness. The latter being a weird thing though, as I in reality am surrounded by people must of the time and rarely more than a phone call away from the company of a friend. But I feel lonely. Lonely and with no real way out of it, as I don’t get out and meet new people at all. So currently everything feels a bit hopeless and pointless to be honest.

Back in the days I normally had a strong voice in my head telling me that most of what I felt was bull crap - an relatively effective way to suppress these feeling, see the logic in things and get on with it. But for the last two years it feels like my voice has gone on vacation. The drive that should accelerate my motor is gone and the environmental resistance is slowly declining my momentum.

[anothersadblogger]

Can't sleep

So, I’m sad. And it’s night. And I should sleep. But I can’t.

Been having a mixed day. Started out by sleeping until noon followed by watching a series on my computer. However, I had to do something physical, so for the first time in over a month I got myself together and took a run. Been a while so it was just a 6-7 km route but kind of uplifting that I’m still able to do that :) Also taken into account that it is pretty cold at the moment and generally not very inviting to go outside. Got back to my room, cooled of, took a shower and put on the new Godzilla movie. And from here it started going downhill. Not that the movie was bad (but definitely not the best movie of the day) but I became lazy and introverted. So I ended up watching another movie (If I Stay, 2014) followed by yet another movie (The Perks of being a Wallflower, 2012). The prior being a quite sad movie, so that kind of set the mood and the latter, a romantic drama comedy kind of movie and probably the best movie of the day. It had a good ending to it and the mood rose a bit although stuff like that always reminds me of my own position in life. Something that I’m well aware of not to be sad about but I can’t stop getting sad anyway.

So what is happening now is that I’m lying in my bed, which is a sofa, trying to go to sleep but I’m for some stupid reason crying. Me a freaking grown man living on his own and going to the university and having a lot of good friends and family. This makes no sense but as mentioned before, I feel lonely and like a failure. And I hate it. Can’t understand why I just can’t see past all this crap and be happy for what I have and all the opportunities that I’m presented with. I don’t get it. I don’t get myself and I hate myself for it. I would like to say that the thought of ending myself hasn’t crossed my mind, but that would be a lie. Now, before you go “holy shit, don’t go there dude! ” I’ll add that I would never do something that! I would never put my loved one through that! But that’s what I currently have to live with and go through multiple times a day. I do not talk with my parents about this stuff that much and the friends I usually talk to when I’m down all have boyfriends or girlfriends and other stiff in their life, and I really don’t want to destroy their happy moment by adding myself into the mix, so basically my loneliness has grown over the past couple of years. And tonight I really feel that. The contrast between their life and mine. I guess that’s the reason I can’t sleep :/ Not that I don’t won’t them to be happy, quite the opposite! It’s just… Damn you brain! xD

Oh well. Better try to get some sleep. Have to do the laundry in the morning as the machines at gonna be replaced between Monday and Wednesday… bad timing in the dirty cloth production xD

See ya around.

Bye.

[anothersadblogger]

December fourth: I have social anxiety! :D

So. I’ve just arrived home, aka my 14 m2 dorm room, after a visit to the shrink. She’s a very nice older woman, and she has some good points and helps me to visualise my situation from a different perspective. Anywho, today we talked mostly about my “social anxiety”, which is kind of a weird thing of who I am.

As long as I can remember at this point I’ve felt like I didn’t have anything to contribute with in a social interaction, like a party or stuff like that. You know, the feeling of being judged as a weirdo and a “lower person” even before you enter a room or a crowd? That will be me. Most of the time at least. You see, in order to compensate I sought to school work and especially the natural sciences which quickly led to my small thought of being a scientist one day (*ding* Achievement unlocked!). This became a big part of who I was and social relations, like sports and parties outside of school, I tried my best to avoid.

An important fact here is that I ended up getting bullied quite a lot back in primary school which of course is a horrible thing for everyone who has been exposed to that. Another fact is that I grew up quite far out on the countryside on a small island, as you would say in Danish “Derude hvor kraverne vender" which is roughly translated to "where the crows turn around". So all in all it was a fairly small society and you quickly knew more or less everyone and as a consequence the bullying was rather difficult to get away from. To further add gravel to the pile, one of my best friends growing up was among the bullying gang of boys in my class and I guess that somehow has made a larger impact than I thought at that time.

Basically, I don’t have any real self-esteem when it comes to social interactions. I feel highly uncomfortable talking to anyone new, both guys, who I feel judge me as being “the uncool fellow” at first eyesight, and girls, who can’t see anything interesting or attractive in me since I have none. My guess is that it has something to do with my preschool days and the high degree of lacking trust to other people that I seem to possess but who knows. Anyways, this is not always the case!

Interacting while being the “natural science guy” I have no problem interacting with new people. Or for that matter when I step into some kind of role with some predetermined edges and shapes. For instance, when I teach I have absolutely no problem interacting with students that I don’t know and talking in front of three hundred people in an auditorium is no problem. Actually, I even managed to put on a “hat” which made me able to enjoy parties more by helping establish a locale party committee in our research department at the university.

Shiiiit I am losing track here. Need to make these posts shorter xD The point is that I have a problem with social anxiety now which seems to be rooted quite deep into my skull, and now I have to confront these irrational fears somehow. You need to start somewhere, right? So I’ve been told to write down situations which makes me uncomfortable and why I feel like this at that particular moment. Also, which I haven’t really realised before, I should try to look around at people around me, preferably guys around my age, and see that I might not be the only person feeling lost and confused and awkward at that particular time.

I guess that today’ lesson was that I am not alone about feeling like this and that it might be mixing in with my depression and making it worse. My depression is a sickness, a physical condition, that I haven’t asked for or provoked specifically to hit me. It just did and that doesn’t make me a failure, even though it makes me feel like that most of the time. Somehow I need to get this realisation into the thick and irrational skull of mine.

Yeah, that was a lot of letters… See y’all out there and here’s some nerdy stuff.

Bye.

[anothersadblogger]

To get on tumblr and introducing myself and stuff xD

I've now opened up an account on tumblr... yeah, so what now? What the flunk am I here for? Do I have anything to contribute and flavour the world with? ... Probably not! That however will not keep me from continuously typing these letters. The reason I'm here is to get stuff from my head out into the ether just so they don't get trapped inside my head and it eventually explode. That would just be a freaking mess. Way to gory for anyone.

Anywho. I'm a 24 age old guy from the small and quite Scandinavian nation of Denmark. Currently my main occupation is being a master student of molecular biology but unfortunately this isn't going too well at this point. Actually most of my life currently feels like a freaking struggle to keep going. So.. yeah..

Now you are probably thinking that I'm just a sad guy seeking pity for my hard and highly unfair life and you feel that you've wasted a whole lot of precious time by reading this post. And you know what? You are probably right! :D Everyone has problems and mine aren't that big compared to the rest of this world. Actually I have a great life! I have a great family, a lot of friends, a large handful of really close friends, an education, a job as a technical assistant for supervisor and instructor at the university. Based on all these amazing facts I should have nothing to complain about. Only thing should be a girlfriend, a bigger place to live and a pool of money but there should always be room for improvements, which is always a great thing! :)

The fact is that even though I have this amazing life I still walk around, interacting with people, working, hanging out friends, play video games, and feeling lonely and sad with no hope or thoughts for my happiness and future. This fact, especially, slapped me in the face two years ago when my general mood skydived to a whole new level and I couldn't manage to get back up again. I'll probably get back to the reasons for this at some point, but for now lets just say that a lot of things hit my head in a relatively small period of time stacked upon years of repression. It all ended with a trip to the doctor back in spring 2013 there I was diagnosed with "some degree" of a depression.

"What?! Come on man! I'm a smart guy! I can figure this out without help! I just need to work harder to feel like I can do something!"

This was more or less what happened in my head post the visit to the doctor and I basically tried to get away from this "depression" by doing a lot of teaching and spend most of my hours awake in the lab, working on my project, and do a ph.D. course on the side. And hey, I succeeded! Top grades in both my project and the course and the teaching was concluded without a problem. But then it was all done and once again I ended up in a dark hole of depressive thoughts and this time not even work or teaching could act as a latter, even though these factors where indeed present. Eventually a couple of good friends of mine helped me to take contact to a shrink and my doctor, and a month later,  in the early summer 2014, I was diagnosed with a sever depression. Woohoo!

So I ended up realising my situation which was quite surreal to me as the term "depression" in the past was just a thing affecting other people and definitely not me! Oh no! But oh yes. And this is a hard thing to handle, but a lot easier to handle now that I know that I'm not just a complete and utter weirdo being a lone alien in this world with no girlfriend ever and a confidence around the size of a plum.

Phew! Holy frying pan that was a long and boring stretch of Latin characters making up word from the English language! I guess that's a short (like that was short?! Jezz!) story of why I'm here and my current situation of my life. More post might follow. Who knows?

Cya out there people and thanks for reading!

Bye for now.