Sobremesa

Just a little share about myself

[anoula4756]

Not everyone ends up together

I am not sure if I have ever told you if I have come to feel something close to love for you. I do, and I will keep feeling it, no matter if I stay or leave.

I have never been good at holding feelings, and this might be something terrible, but I have created a home for you inside of me. That home will remain there, waiting for me to come and visit from time to time and remember how you used to feel. 

And you, are you going to remember us? I know I am going to remember how you drink your tea, remember the way you hold me as if you were afraid of me suddenly disappearing, and how the tips of my fingers feel when they touch your skin.

And now here I am, trying to write a story with a real ending. Not everyone ends up with each other, sometimes there are two people who end up with only nights full of memories. So tell me, if you had to choose a moment for us, would it be this, or would you say that it is still to come?

[anoula4756]

Are you happy?

I still remember what we said before we parted. 

- I’m sure we will meet again sometime

-I know, but everything will be different, we will never be again the way we are now. But is fine, I know that despite all, when that moment comes, I will feel happy. 

After all this time, I still think of that day.  If I found you, I would let you know that I am happy, but not with that HAPPINESS. Yes, like that with capital letters. I am happy, but I still think of you. I feel like I still smile more sweetly when I think of you. Truth is that happiness can be so different from what we expected, sometimes it can be so full of other emotions.

The choice we made that time, do you think it was the right one? Do you think we should have stayed together against all odds?

Tell me, are you happy? Have you found that happiness you so much desired? 

[anoula4756]

“The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.” #photography #candlelight (at New Zealand) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsOywI_g8yu/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=qq0ifaky75j5

[anoula4756]

‘The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.’ - A. Einstein #hankwillisthomas #ngv (at National Gallery of Victoria) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bous_nvHecT/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xzzedwjo4a4e

[anoula4756]

Espero

Espero que vengan a buscarte,

que te toquen la puerta

llenos de interrogantes.

Espero que no tengas éxito

cuando intentes esconderte

de quienes sin voz gritan en las calles.

Espero que nadie salga impune,

y que se llenen de vergüenza 

quienes andan de brazos cruzados.

Espero que no calles nunca más,

aún si es que los dedos apuntando

te hacen sentir arrinconado.

Espero que vivamos el cambio,

que nunca más ser valiente

sea requisito para la libertad.

[anoula4756]

It happens, that any winter day, starring at the sky I encounter my old friend Melancholy. We walk through my conscience and grab a tea of repressed emotions. I hold the cup warming up my hands and despite the latent happiness that constantly drives me to lift those corners that you so many times kissed, I have to say that I feel melancholic. My friend Melancholy had come to remind me that once I loved you.

So, I took that book with our story, forgotten long ago on a shelf, and went through its pages. I could remember how it felt before, remember all we imagined for the future, and finally, remembered everything we were not. Then, before closing the book and putting it back on the shelf, I opened it on the last page, still blank, and added the final entry: “I am glad I lived us”.

[anoula4756]

Encounters

The night comes, moment to strip you again of so much waiting. I consult you with my mouth, with my fingers, I walk along your border lines. I keep the words that have only been used for not understanding each other. I try to get in, to see how you see me through your eyes. Finally, I imagine I got it, what you think about me, about our surroundings, about the passion we build together.  Believing it, I look for your mouth, I immerse in the smell of your body, slowly, delaying the encounter. We do everything that we do, we are here and outside is raining. But in the end, I know that once again, together with our clothes, we progressively will go back to be everything we are not. 

[anoula4756]

Fade away

I walk down the street feeling the cold morning breeze. 

I feel your presence, that ghost that walks next to me. 

Slowly, the breeze has been erasing that feeling of your touch in my hand.

I stop walking and close my fists.

I open them and look at that little box in my palm,

that only space where I keep you.

I peek inside the box and feel your presence fading away. 

Wanting to take it back, I extend my hand to catch it

but I do not get myself to close it around it.

What we once built has vanished 

[anoula4756]

Sometimes at night I look at the mirror and I barely recognize myself. I run my fingers gently over my face and feel like I’m touching a stranger.

I think about the things I’ve said and never thought I would say, and the things I’ve done and never thought I would.

I think of everything and everyone I’ve left behind, wanting or not. I think of all my desires, all what I want to achieve but that no matter how much I stretch my arm it keeps escaping from me.

I keep looking at the images in the mirror trying to recognize myself in what I’ve lived and I have left to live, and in some nights, every time less nights than more, I might also see you there.

[anoula4756]

“Life is a winking light in the darkness”

-Hayao Miyazaki

[anoula4756]

Hands

Sometimes I spend my time just looking at my hands. Funny thing, a person’s hands.

Sometimes I’ve been told I look young, or sometimes you would run your hand down my back and tell me how soft my skin is. But as I look at my hands, I remember that the years have not been wasted. Hands always tell the truth. 

Hands say so much about a person. Do you work in an office or do heavy works? Do you usually work in the garden? Do you eat your nails?

I keep looking at my hands trying to understand the story they are telling. All I see are cooking scars, oven burns here and there, and that cut that didn’t heal too well. I can’t decide if they tell I am a deficient cook or an experienced one. 

I put my hands together, crack my fingers, bad habits always show off. I start looking at other hands around me. I try to listen to what they say, and then, I start thinking about touch. 

And here comes another interesting thing about hands, we use them every day to touch all sort of things and it means nothing. Pick up the phone, open the tap, type on the keyboard. But when it comes to touch with others, they can mean so much. Just a little touch and yet you can feel threatened, comforted, protected, loved.

Perhaps the most special part of the hands is when they meet each other. This thing, named ‘holding hands’. Surely there is no more innocent nor more intimate gesture. And then I think about your hands, and on how we could have been making love for hours, but is that moment when you take my hand when I feel more certain than ever that we are partners in crime.  

*Illustration by Adara Sanchez (https://www.blogger.com/profile/09712677008309303539)

[poemswords]

[anoula4756]

Are you happy?

I still remember what we said before we parted. 

- I’m sure we will meet again sometime

-I know, but everything will be different, we will never be again the way we are now. But is fine, I know that despite all, when that moment comes, I will feel happy. 

After all this time, I still think of that day.  If I found you, I would let you know that I am happy, but not with that HAPPINESS. Yes, like that with capital letters. I am happy, but I still think of you. I feel like I still smile more sweetly when I think of you. Truth is that happiness can be so different from what we expected, sometimes it can be so full of other emotions.

The choice we made that time, do you think it was the right one? Do you think we should have stayed together against all odds?

Tell me, are you happy? Have you found that happiness you so much desired? 

[anoula4756]

“And I must say that I fully trust the coincidence of having met you. That I will never try to forget you, and that even if I did, I would never achieve it. That I love looking at you and that I make you mine just by seeing you in the distance. That I love your moles and your chest seems like paradise to me. That you were not the love of my life, nor of my days, nor of my moment. But I loved you, and I love you, even if we are destined not to be”

“Y debo decir que confío plenamente en la casualidad de haberte conocido. Que nunca intentaré olvidarte, y que si lo hiciera, no lo conseguiría. Que me encanta mirarte y que te hago mío con solo verte de lejos. Que adoro tus lunares y tu pecho me parece el paraíso. Que no fuiste el amor de mi vida, no de mis días, ni de mi momento. Pero que te quise, y que te quiero, aunque estemos destinados a no ser.”

Rayuela, Julio Cortazar

[anoula4756]

“Nature always wears the colors of the spirit” 

-R.W. Emerson

Photo inception. And well, not precisely nature, but still yellow in, yellow out, yellow all around.

*Photo taken in Venice, Italy

[anoula4756]

Not everyone ends up together

I am not sure if I have ever told you if I have come to feel something close to love for you. I do, and I will keep feeling it, no matter if I stay or leave.

I have never been good at holding feelings, and this might be something terrible, but I have created a home for you inside of me. That home will remain there, waiting for me to come and visit from time to time and remember how you used to feel. 

And you, are you going to remember us? I know I am going to remember how you drink your tea, remember the way you hold me as if you were afraid of me suddenly disappearing, and how the tips of my fingers feel when they touch your skin.

And now here I am, trying to write a story with a real ending. Not everyone ends up with each other, sometimes there are two people who end up with only nights full of memories. So tell me, if you had to choose a moment for us, would it be this, or would you say that it is still to come?

[anoula4756]

Who am I? That self that you meet every day in the hallway? That smiley presence that hopes to light up people’s days? Or am I this other self, the one living all those stories, the stories she writes about?

There are two worlds living inside of me and I am simultaneously living in both: the one that surrounds me and the one I created. The thing is it keeps getting harder to remember which one is the real one.

*Photo by Joel Robison