Funfact: I read this book because random personality test I found out from internet.
So this book match my personality test and tru, I do like it, much. However I don’t brave enough to keep one copy myself after I borrowed from Libby, and refuse to read it again.
This book hurts me :) unhealed parents are worst. They have 3 kids to love, but all they’ve been doing is projecting their pain to their kids instead being present and listen to them, look at them the way they are. The kids growing up with new trauma issues and hurting themselves. Painful.
*spoiler below*
The ending this book had is closure, not that instant happy ending after truths revealed and everything back to normal again, no. At least the characters know what they’ve been doing wrong, not instant change. I like the ending except the cheating part, why it was so easy for her to forgive the husband. I mean like… WHAT??? the wife still being so hard on herself until the end then??? she might regret it later, at least they both need a break first not instantly back together emotionally.
The ending also had some plot twists. That break me is about Lydia and Jack.. as a person and also their relationship. I wish they had enough good times for themselves, enough time to process their feelings beside things happening around them and communicate it better but yeaahh that must be difficult for people in their age, so much to be anxious about. I feel sorry for Jack loosing his bestfriend, crying at Lydia’s funeral and blaming himself. Alone with those truths that he wish he could’ve done more for her.
All of them will never know Lydia’s last thought, or the fact that it was accidentally drowning, not suicide. That she wanted fresh start and make it easier for herself. Another painful part is Lydia need to face her end alone with those unspoken thoughts and she never had second chance she wish she had in her life. I mean it was understandable that she went to the lake and know the risk that she can’t swim, but she doesn’t have clear minds but too late to leave.
BROOO yaampun kalau ga yapyap sekarang kayaknya gue akan lebih stress deh gara2 pidato YTTA.
Cerita ini aja deh.. April lalu gue kepincut artwork “The Unseen Series” yang dijadiin Boomark ituh *thxtoalgorithm* artist-nya Feelish_Art, karena gue suka gaya gambarnya gue jadi kepoin instagram kreatornya dan jadi tau kalau beliau juga bikin subscription artwork yang bentuknya kirim lewat pos gitu, ada suratnya juga! namanya Mailish. Gak pake pikir panjang gue langsung ikutan karena kangen juga ya terima dan baca surat gitu *syentimentawl* harganya pun sangat ramah di kantong, tapi kudu sabar karena cuma 3 bulan sekali.
Jadi isinya ada surat cuap-cuap dari kreatornya, terus ada artwork beliau kali ini tentang hal-hal yang dia notice saat lagi slowing down (dikemas jadi mini zine seukuran pocket gitu) ada cerita pilihan dari subscriber lain juga. Semua ini dimasukin di satu amplop kecil gitu terus depannya ditempel perangko beneran! dikirim lewat posindonesia.
Surat dari kreatornya panjanggg banget deh puas bacanya kayak dapet surat dari bestiyyy *shesurelylovetochitchat* gue pun lagi bosen baca format cerita yang bentuknya cerpen/novel/substack gitu, jd ngerasa “fresh” pas baca cerita format surat gini. Minusnya karena dikirim pakai perangko dan pos ya resiko nyasarnya tinggi. Surat gue pun hampir aja ga sampe ke tangan kalau bukan gue yang rewel samperin dan telepon ke CS-nya :”) wow butuh lebih dari 1 minggu dari sumedang untuk sampai ke Jakarta.
Anyway let mi know kalau kalian tau kreator lainnya yang buka subscription surat kayak giniii, mau ikutan!
I was having a perfect day, a mini celebration for myself welcoming my 30era. I bought things that makes me happy, crossed my wishlist, spend the day with someone I love, eat well and stuffs until I read her chat bubble…
She used to be one of my classmate back in college days. She was the first who noticed and asked when I cried in the library. We haven’t met each other for years, almost a decade yet she still has the guts to asked me, to do her favor. Not even a single question about how’s life lately? how are you? it might never crossed her mind, even my last chat was left on read for months. She won’t meet me and still no replies.
I still congratulated her on her birthday days ago even she not replied my text. She congratulated me today (my bday was days ago) and thought it was okay to asked me such questions.
I feel bad, why I keep in touch with people I used to know thinking they still have good intentions to me? why I allow myself to feel miserable in such a perfect day? but it DO hurts. HURTS.
I really wish people I used to know me in the past forget me, forget everything you know about me because the moment I know your reasons why you still want me in your life.. it makes me feel so so sorry for myself that I wish I never know you.
Udah lama ga posting uneg-uneg panjang di sini karena semuanya udah ditulis di jurnal. 2 tahun ini nyaman dengan handwriting, lumayan banyak meluapkan banyak hal di sana. Muak sendiri juga, ngetik kan identik sama hal yang gue lakuin di kantor hampir tiap hari. Kali ini adalah momen "eh kangen juga ya ke sini"
Keingetan udah mau chapter 30 aja nih, dan tiap ultah biasanya gue ke sini kan :))
Bingung banget harus kasih barang apa buat diri sendiri karena yang gue pingin harganya meroket karena rupiah anjlok LOL sayang banget selisihnya *medit* dan gue gamau beli buku karena tumpukan TBR yang udah overconsumption ini. Udah tua kali ya beli apa-apa jadi kepikiran sayang uangnya hehe banyak bersyukur aja deh, mengamini dalam hati sambil hati-hati biar ga overthinking.
Jyujyurrr banyak hal yang gue kira bisa gue lakuin sebelum usia 30 ternyata ga bisa, dan gue sadar sih gue ga ambisius untuk dapetin hal itu. Staying in my comfort zone karena emotional turbulence terus takut banget mental gue drop lagi kalau yang terjadi ga sesuai sama apa yang sudah gue usahakan, so I stay around in “familiar failure” dan itu kalau pas momen “dipikirin” ya bisa bikin sedih juga kayak.. “duh gue jahat ga sih ga kasih kesempatan ke diri sendiri?” kalau udah gini kadang ya nangis aja biar emosinya keluar, makan enak as always dan gue inget-inget aja pilihan gue untuk menjalani era 20an dengan “santai” ini ya pasti ada konsekuensinya, opportunity loss. *HereLiesSquidward'sHopesandDreams*
Selain opportunity loss yang secara otomatis ada ketika gue buat pilihan, ya ada juga “loss” lainnya yang tidak bisa gue kontrol di era 20an ini, tau-tau setelah majorrr friendship break-up tuh masalah di kantor, gue akhirnya ke psikiater, also I had to say goodbye to my dad (paps tiba-tiba jadi ubi, hiks) friendship break-up lagi, trial and error buat bersosial lagi tapi malah draining karena kebanyakan kenal orang terus berasa ga jelas aja lalu-lalang, gue jadi avoidant deh gatau gimana benerinnya. Covid, that IsraHLL things, cursed election, economy crisis, 3rd WW, yang kalau gue keluarin semua jadi kayak “excuse” ya tapi ini kan platform gueeee, so untuk hypersensitive person kayak gue ini hal-hal global tsb sangat amat draining.
Era 20an gue banyak dihabiskan dengan “yaudahlah yang penting hidup” karena mental gue sangat terganggu dengan kondisi sekitar yang cepat berubah-ubah dan kurang waktu sendirian untuk proses tiap emosi *Imissmyownroom*. Literally no plans for 30era, ga kepikiran selama 10 tahun ini buat 30an tuh gue harus gimana-gimana dan mencapai apa. Selama 10 tahun ini gue sibuk nikmatin hidup tipis-tipis, learn-and-unlearn about myself dan fixing my mental issues, at least to make myself “functioning” meski hasilnya medioker.
Well, I hopeee I’ll became to be less avoidant in my 30era, finally find my people, dan yang penting harus sehat dan waras lahir batin. Era 20an gue ini ini juga akan ditutup oleh disband-nya grup musik favorit gue yang sudah berkarya selama 26 tahun lebih di bulan yang sama *hikssedihbgt* gue jadi fans mereka udah lebih dari 15 tahun dan ini salahsatu hal yang bikin gue sadar kalau oke deh gue harus lebih serius lagi buat diri sendiri karena mereka pisah juga karena mereka mau berkembang sebagai individu. Kurang-kurangin people pleasing dan bantu masalah orang lain sebelum urusan diri sendiri ke-handle.
Semoga masih tersedia kesempatan yang bagus-bagus kedepannya, terlepas semua pilihan yang gue ambil di 20an ini.
"What is meant for you will never miss you, and what misses you was never meant for you."
Learned to make this kind of Carousel Post before 2025 ends. 2.5 hours needed, tried to post to Instagram and make it connected is another struggle. Turned out I made the wrong size for IG POST *krayy* posted it anway! with a lil hack 😆
Mimpi Manis, Menteng Huis Cikini 🍳 I gave this place 4,5/5 ⭐️
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I’m having a bad day today, the worse part is I don’t know exactly why. Just one random “click” and realize everything just feels wrong then I thought about this place and memories.
I visited this place earlier this month without a plan with my friend and it became our new favorite spot. When everything just felt right for a moment.
.
Taste like warm foods your mom used to make when you finally going back home tired and staying here felt like catching up with your old friend.
2025 is my last year in my 20s era. Feels like in rush, but MORE rush. Since 29 is much different than 19… I mean 19 was full of excitement because oficially entering dat adult life my teenager phase was curious about, the phase when the adults finally considered your opinion in serious way and 29 is just like… mostly FEAR and ANXIOUS cz less excitement due many things in 20s trying to dim your light and where ur expectations dies, am I doing it wrong???
I’ve been in-and-out many fandom due this stressful and weird situation but I don’t want to miss this 29 moments so I did it to reconnect with myself. I began to watch Star Wars on May (cz May the Force be with ya) finished The Poppy War Trilogy in a month (definetely not recommend finished this fast because you will so invested -and burned-) also read Rapijali by Dee Lestari (finally) other thing but not new is since Arashi announced their disbandment next year I joined their fanclub and finally found a way to collect their official merch.
I never intended to connect in many fandom this year but once I get invested in one fandom (keep thinking about the characters and storyline suddenly when I’m back to reality) it was hard to push that thought awayyy so begin to watch or read the other fictional universe really help me to get out from the intense thought and have clearer mind.
Suddenly I realize (and this is why I’m writing this) no matter how many stories I invested to think and fandom life and make myself busy reconnecting with myself, I keep failing because I stop writing and let my thoughts convert into my own words
Finally have enough time and mind space to make this post…
Gue ke sini kalau lagi ultah sama tahun baru aja kayaknya ya, hehe. Tapi emang kalau akhir tahun ga nulis tuh ga enak, apalagiii tahun ini banyak banget yg terjadi, banyak yang melibatkan emosi, not just… eventful.
Semakin jarang nulis karena tiap ada waktu luang, mesti gue gapunya cukup energi untuk rangkum hal2 yang mau gue tulis. Kalaupun ada yang mau gue tulis, pasti waktunya ga tepat, banyak distraksi yang ganggu fokus gue untuk nulis, ditambah fokus gue sendiri agak special case ya. Tahun baru tuh enak aja, orang2 pada sibuk sendiri dan akhirnya gue bisa punya waktu sendirian di kamar.
Tahun ini, tahun puncak “keos” politik yang udah dispill dari 2 tahun belakangan, President and the elections. I’m glad it was over… I mean berisik2 kubunya (ya demokrasi emang harus berisik, for good) tapiii sebelnya gue tuh pendukung ini pendukung itu, si A si B, bukan tentang demokrasinya, bukan apa yang terbaik untuk keberlangsungan hidup orang banyak, orang yang punya waktu dan opini malah sibuk dengan konflik horizontalnya. Trus ini berisiknya udahan tapi efeknya satu persatu yang bikin dag dig dug, I thought it will get worse and worse, kuat kuat ya kita semua. Semoga masih sempat berbahagia.
Keselnya kondisi begini, mau resign juga 50:50 karena kondisi ekonomi negara dan dunia yang abu abu. Konflik, layoff dimana-mana, dan gue gak pede deh untuk bangun lagi dari nol. Resikonya ya gitu, dipertahanin gue makin kehilangan diri sendiri. Masalah fokus gue tambah parah, gue jadi pelupa parah, dan banyak hal yang udah gabisa gue inget lagi, ataupun ya lama gue ingetnya. Gue gatau ini efek samping depresi atau ADHD, pingin banget cari tau supaya punya cara efektif tanganinnya tapi ya itu… waktu dan uang gue ga cukup banyak untuk konsisten berobat mandiri.
Tahun ini buat gue gak lebih buruk dari tahun lalu, tapi lebih baiknya karena gue udah lebih upgrade handling things nya, hehe setting boundaries untuk hal2 yang harusnya gue ga invest banyak emosi di situ, lebih bijak dengan hal-hal yang harusnya jadi prioritas gue, dan gak maksain semuanya harus ideal.
Tahun ini kasih banyak kejelasan ke gue. Jadi setelah tahun 2023 yang gue take notes poin-poin apa aja yang bikin gue sakit dan gak nyaman, apa yang bikin gue seneng dan instantly ngerasa cukup, di tahun ini gue trial and error tuh aplikasiinnya, sambil note apa yang masih dan apa yang harus gue lepas.
Banyak tentang Ikhlas dan ga nyalahin diri sendiri banyak-banyak kalau ada hal yang bikin gue gak nyaman, belajar bertahan, belajar kapan sebenarnya harus berhenti (in realistic way, I used to be idealistic) cepet sadar untuk ga berlarut dan live in the moment aja, sadar saat anxious, sadar kalau ini tuh ga worth it. Ya hidup kan memang tentang menyesal (salahsatunya). Masih sering overwhelmed sih, over-stimulasi, tapi mostly gue belajar untuk cepet sadar dan take a moment to slow down.
Gue lebih bisa berdamai sama perpisahan-perpisahan yang sudah gue alami, sebagian besar penyesalan, ya karena tahun ini ngajarin gue bagaimana menjadi realistis itu menyelamatkan gue dari perasaan putus asa. Dari idealisme bahwa many things beyond my control, focus with my own plate. Jangan maksa dan ujung-ujungnya malah berhenti dan bikin masalah baru.
Tahun ini gue belajar merasa cukup, ambil momen untuk bikin nyaman diri sendiri di tengah kondisi yang menuntut waktu dan emosi gue, kapan harus berhenti idealis dan mulai menjadikan cara pikir realistis sebagai cara untuk keep going :)
PS: Setelah ini gue punya Pe-Er lain deh, karena jadi pelupa gue takut lebih banyak lagi lupain hal-hal. Lupain yang harusnya gue inget karena itu bagian dari diri gue, takut lupa momen momen penting yang harusnya gue masih inget emosinya, pelajarannya. Karena gue bertumbuh dan gue ga mau gue lupa gitu aja sama perjalanan ini. Karena semakin sedikit orang yang gue temui, yang berbagi waktunya sama gue, ga banyak yang bisa ingetin gue tentang momen momen yang ada di timeline gue. Sebuah catatan untuk tahun depan 😊 tahun ganjil, punya angka “5” kesukaan gue.
Joining this trend because I feel like I need to post my favorites on IG feeds (which I rarely update in the last 2 years) so I could just open my IG whenever bookpeeps ask me my favorites and why. Yep that question still makes me “freeze” a moment and I think that question had equal difficulty with existential question.
AANIWAYYY~
My lucky number is “5” but I can’t choose only 5 books as my favorites 🤓 I do love odd numbers and 7 seems okayy, and here we go:
1. Scythe - Neal Shusterman
It’s Politics, Dystopian! with young adults spice 🌶️ life and death situations and complicated romance due to complex new world’s rules and rivalry, also the main character had the same name as my first name.
2. Babel - R.F. Kuang
Dark Academia, college laifff and messy friendship, capitalism 101, and it’s OXFORD babyyy~ beautifully heartbreaking story with great plot and readers can’t blame anyone but capitalism. My favorite character is Victoire.
3. The Girl and The Ghost - Hanna Alkaf
I wish I could read this book when I was 13yo. I haven’t found a book that can portray friendship between a young girl and her ghost friend this GOOD. The dilema when Suraya need her human friend which she rarely had and also can’t leave Pink tragically like that because they both have special places in her heart. The jealousy friendship, lies, mom and young girl complicated relationship 👌 great ending tho! or I wish I could read it again for the the first time.
4. Jakarta Sebelum Pagi - Ziggy Zezsyazeoviennazabrizkie
Noisy narrative, with weird enough plot and characters and because everything is weird enough it does look balance for me. someone bookshamed me when I reviewed this book. Platonic relationships, strolling around Jakarta hours before hectic hours begin with your weird gang, together solving mysteries following someone’s love letters. From one plot twist to another, what a fun read.
5. Supernova: Petir - Dee Lestari
My favorite book in Supernova Series is Gelombang, but Petir always have special places in my heart. Platonic love again, once orphans and broke Elektra become suddenly rich and discovered that she gifted. When living an ordinary life with her new gang, she still searching her “electrical gift” purpose to found her place in her own life outside the circle.
6. Looking for Alaska - John Green
Coming of age story with friendship and grief. About sudden grief that hits in such a young age, when everything seems lasts forever.
7. Normal People - Sally Rooney
Honestly I hate this kind of Conell and Marianne passive-aggressive situations 🙂 I mean why you just can’t be peacefully stay TOGETHER I used to be bored with this kind of story and slow pace plot but the author really skilled 💯 she wrote enough details to keep the story interesting. In reality it could happen to anyone when we keep strengthen and loosing our boundaries to someone we just suddenly connected to. Somehow we still battling with our personal issues we unable to share.
After longgg consideration (more than a year) I finally upgraded to a new smartphone last month. I never really let it go whenever I think about its price 🙂 however this type of smartphone is been my dream phone since dynamic island features released.
I almost giving up my 7+ in last November and I did rely on whatsapp web for chat for weeks! waiting for a new battery, and I know I need to begin to let go. I love my 7+ and I will always do, I like it size, the fingerprint tap, thick bezel, and simple camera.
I used my 7+ for 4 years. That was my first Iphone, the second phone I bought with my own money. I was thinking to buy new Samsung Note but still not have enough money so I choosed 7+. The way I met my awesome new friends from Clubhouse which only possible to installed with iOS, that wouldn’t happened if I bought Samsung. I did the right thing to switch to Apple device.
…even myself used to believe that my life will end when I was 21 (stil happened but poetically)
28 phewww what enough numbers to count. Anxiety just gettin wild when it closer and closer to the beginning of another decade, just like I was 17. Yes I still do compare myself with people similar age with me but in my late 20s I also compare what I have today with myself in the past.
what kind of people I want to be around with before 30?
what place to go before 30?
things I lose and what things I did right?
what to do before 30?
That’s just how we measure time on earth and how our 2 PM thoughts start his podcast show. Only worth it when I know when to stop overthink it.
I have less and less to worry about since my dad passed. Feels like I just sipped my nightmare cocktail and tick the “surprise” part.
For this day I didn’t plan anything, like I used to last year and year before that (ruined). I’m not expecting any greetings from anyone, not trying hard to make today as one and only special day because I think I can make myself happy in any day.
I will get used to it, like I always do. That’s my late 20s motto.
