The Creature

We’re here I’m sorry you’ve somehow come across us. <3

[anxioustoramble]

I’m a bad person.

A fact I know

I’m sure of it,

And I know you know too

So why don’t you leave?

Knowing I don’t deserve you

That I am to rot in my own pain,

Never blooming nor expanding

Nothing to gain.

So why do I stay?

Simple

I’m weak.

You make me suffer as much as I do you.

A fair trade I’d assume

If we were just dealing with concepts.

Not love

Not pain.

Only you can make me cry like that.

Shedding tears until my throat is sore,

My wrists are numb,

And my eyes are dry.

Only you can make me understand

That I must reskill

Because I am no good

No matter how much I act it.

It is a fact that I am ill

Affiliated with the very devil

I am pure evil.

[anxioustoramble]

I’m sorry

I’m sorry that my voice is a burden

So grating that you’d do anything to get away

I’ll leave.

I’m sorry my joy impedes on yours.

So loud,

I understand why you had to squash it out.

I’m sorry my scares are so hideous

Pink and bulging.

I’ll hide them.

I’m sorry for my stomach, my hair, my eyes, and my blood.

So grotesquely me.

I’ll stop.

I’m sorry for the terror in your eyes

The wet sobs that escaped as you tried to explain

To realize.

I’m sorry you found it.

[anxioustoramble]

I just started watching south park (I’ve seen the first couple seasons, and a couple of the newer episodes; I was just never determined to finish it till now) and the amount of recognition I get from Kyle and his story is incredible. I’m saying this as a VERY non practicing Jew, like never been to Sunday school, never had a bar mitzvah, celebrate Christmas, know more Irish than Hebrew type of non practicing. Yet growing up in a very much Christian town, with the looming realization all my friends probably got to see each other every Sunday, and also genuinely being teased about not knowing jackshit about the Bible; I really feel for him. I wouldn’t say I was in the same exact situation growing up as Kyle is in the show (especially when there were other Jewish kids in my town, just they were ACTUALLY Jewish), but his episodes still make me feel weirdly seen <3

I didn’t need to bring religion into this, but this both feels like that’s what this is about and also not at all what it’s about

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[anxioustoramble]

I’m scared I have to stop being friends with some of my favorite people. The way they view their bodies has brought back a lot of my issues, I love them so much and they always make me feel so much better about the world until they don’t. The thing is? They’re both the skinniest people I’ve ever met. The type of skinny that whenever you see them you just wanna make them a nice big homemade meal to make sure they’re eating well.

I always feel like such a cow when they start making the comments, even though they’re not directed at me, it hurts like it is.

Idk I’m just forcing my traumas on to them and being a baby about it.

[anxioustoramble]

Happy Birthday: a three part saga (seldom written over the course of three years)

1.

Happy birthday to my hate.

Though my hate did not grow on this date

nor my grief, nor my tears.

No,

they have been festering for so long.

Too long.

This hate has become a monster

feasting on my mind, helping my disdain bloom.

This day should not haunt me

I will not let you taunt me with those daunting words.

2.

I’ve changed.

Maybe

This day could be a day for growth.

So,

happy birthday to you, just you.

You are no monster, you are not my hate.

Not anymore.

3.

Happy birthday, I hope you’ve grown.

Learned.

Experienced things you didn’t want to destroy.

I hope you’ve loved, I hope you’ve lived.

I still hate.

And I still shake at the thought of you.

Yet, I don’t hate you, or myself

It is what you have done.

I don’t forgive, nor forget

But I do let go.

I don’t want you, I don’t want the best for you.

But happy birthday, just because.

[pomegranatechrysanthemum]

[anxioustoramble]

I want what I had, but can never have again.

[within-the-last-minute]

stay safe because i like being alive at the same time as you.

[anxioustoramble]

My existence is a burden.

A burden I and others choose to carry, to share.

And maybe there’s something beautiful about that.

[anxioustoramble]

Wishing I was the Madoka to your Homura

Forced to be the Kyoko to your Sayaka

[anxioustoramble]

Ok so ik you should never end things on a low, butttttt what if?

[anxioustoramble]

It honestly feels like a sitcom with how I’m crying into my food 😭

[anxioustoramble]

I can’t tell if I hate you or myself

You’ve done nothing wrong but all I want to do is get away from you

I just want someone to care for me as much as I care for them, is that selfish?

Probably. Do I still want it?

More than anything.

[anxioustoramble]

Being friends with you hurts me

You are my world; and no matter how much you say otherwise, I am just a singular person in yours.

Why does it hurt to love? Is it your fault or mine?

Probably mine

[anxioustoramble]

Ok, so on a scale of 1-10 how justified is it to stop respecting someone else’s gender and name when they don’t respect mine bc we aren’t friends anymore?

Haha, asking for a friend

👀

[anxioustoramble]

I don’t understand how you can justify yourself.

Then again, I justified you to myself for so long.

[anxioustoramble]

Ha ha. My hormones must be imbalanced because all the sudden I’m weeping and shaking at just the thought of you.

Stay out of my head. I don’t think I have anymore tears to spare.

[anxioustoramble]

My cat is slowly but surely becoming the only thing that truly calms me down. I recently had an awful week, and I’ve been getting so much anxiety about being seen as lesser because of that week, yet when I’m with my cat I feel fine. I love him <3