Apartment Therapy Therapy

Eames Chair Psychology by Allison Mick

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Mr. Sea or Ocean. 1942, Alberto Savinio

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Why Just Have a Hobby Farm When You Can Seize the Means of Production?

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You’re Never Too Young for Swedish Death Cleaning

you could die today so get started!

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Here’s How the Stranger Things Kids Would Decorate Their Grown-Up Homes After You Stop Sexualizing Them, You Pervert.

If you're a fan of Stranger Things, you may have spent some time thinking about the characters' lives outside of the show. Maybe you’ve written some fan fiction. If it’s about the kids and it’s sexual, cut it out right now. Here's a speculative look at the sort of stranger things that might grace the homes of some our favorite fictional characters. Maybe they can get this stuff after their youth is no longer a commodity and you people just let them live their lives. 

Eleven

We all love Eleven. She’s so great. Her powers are cool. Now stop thinking about her. Just stop. Don’t tell your coworker about how Millie Bobby Brown has blossomed into “quite the young lady.” She’s like 12. You are being a pedophile. 

Mike

STOP TWEETING “CHOKE ME DADDY” AT FINN WOLFHARD. He hasn’t grown up in front of our eyes. He hasn’t grown up at all and is still a child. Just let Mike enjoy his life on some familiar “lower upper middle class” mid-century modern. 

Lucas

Keep this sweet baby angel’s name out of your mouth. The sexualization of black children works to dehumanize black bodies and is a major component of the white supremacist agenda. Also you’re being a perv. *Heavy Sigh* ANYWAY Adult Lucas would be quite the sophisticate by overloading on the luxe textures and oversized florals that were so common in the 80s. 

Dustin

Whatever Dustin does with his home, you know he’ll make room for an animal friend from any dimension. Don’t call him hot. He is a good little boy. You people need Jesus. 

Joyce

Arts and Crafts style. Obviously. 

Will

No one cares about Will. He can live in his dumb fort. Here’s one that costs 7 million dollars. You guys are the reason TV shows hire 27-year-olds to play teenagers. You ruin everything.

Hopper

Hopper is an adult and it’s totally okay to call him “Zaddy.” Hopper is dreamy and more importantly, a legal-ass adult and a hottie to boot. Marry him and update his cabin in the woods with a more sophisticated eye. Don’t forget to decorate a room for his daughter, Jane. And then don’t think about her again. Yay healthy outlets for your sexual fantasies!

STOP SEXUALIZING THE KIDS FROM STRANGER THINGS. IT’S NOT FUNNY. THEY ARE CHILDREN, YOU MANIACS.

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Stolen Wood: An Inexpensive and Chic Alternative to Reclaimed Wood

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This Smug Rich Lady Has a Smart Tip for Dealing with Sentient Clutter

“I banish their souls to the Shadow Realm and burn the earthly remains with a Le Creuset creme brûlée torch!”

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How to DIY Your Home into a Haunted House

Make the most of the Halloween holiday with our seasonal DIYs!

1. Spooky Jack-O-Lanterns

A little dry ice goes a long way in this festive DIY. Fog is so spooky! And there’s plenty of stencils available online if you want to up the taste level on your pumpkin or go even scarier than the classic Jack-o-Lantern face.

2. Bloody Candles

So cute, right? A dark red candle does all the heavy lifting in this simple yet suspenseful hack. You can also use this technique year round with other colors.

3. Creepy Glow Eyes

Nothing is scarier than being watched when you don’t want to be. Tap into everyone’s existential fear of being seen for who they really are by putting glowing eyes in your bushes.

4. Straight Up Fucking Murder Someone

This one is a little advanced but really sets the scene for a spooky Halloween and consequently, rest of your life. For best results, we suggest stabbing someone, preferably in a ritualistic fashion to ensure that the violent and occultish means by which they left the mortal plane will keep them in limbo forever. You’ll also want to get on this right away because if your neighbor decides to try this, you might end up the one doing the haunting and your neighbor’s entire living room is in that awful House Hunters beige from the mid-00s and who wants to look at that for the rest of eternity? Kill your neighbor first and have the spookiest house on the block. Additional bonus: having a ghost will really help you save on air conditioning in the summer.

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Home Tour From the Archives: Mr. Holmes’ Chic Chicago Castle

August 17, 1893

CHICAGO - While our reporters are in town for the Columbian Exposition to report on the future of home decor, every serving wench and waiter has suggested that we make the acquaintance of the thoroughly charming Mr. Henry Howard Holmes. 

This miraculous edifice -- completed in 1890-- towers over the rest of the Englewood neighborhood. The exterior is an interesting combination of contemporary Victorian elements and the new mixed-use style championed by Mr. Louis Sullivan. Mr. Sullivan claims that this style will be the wave of the future and we’re inclined to agree with him because he’s a man and knows better about these things.

The interior of the home defies proper elucidation but for the good of the art form of commenting on the interiors of the homes of the rich, we shall try. Dark walnut accents run through the entirety of the house, lending to a brooding atmosphere that matches the temperament of the mysterious Mr. Holmes. The botanical print wallpaper is contemporary without being ostentatious. The walls are a bit thin however, as some faint lasciviousness of the inhabitants of the hotel makes for an awkward tour through the space.

This reporter worries that despite its immaculate design, the layout is a tad busy as several doors open to empty walls and hallways end suddenly. Mr. Holmes boasts that he designed the building himself and that the form is divorced from function here. Of the empty doors he says, “it looked much better with a door there.” We cannot help but agree because after all, he is a man. 

To disclose matters fully it should be noted that the first two reporters we sent to Chicago to write about the Holmes mansion never returned but it’s quite likely that they found husbands at the Exposition and in all the hubbub of whirlwind romance, simply forgot to inform us of their situation.

[apartment-therapy-therapy]

Decor So Minimal, You’ll Wonder If You Even Exist

Minimalist design is all the rage so here’s our handy guide to the 5 levels of minimalist decoration.

Level 1: No Clutter

You’ve learned to Kon Mari your spaces to leave only that which brings you joy. Take this a step further and foray into minimalism, the design style that answers the question “what brings you joy?” with “almost nothing.”

Level 2: No Colors

Colors are just clutter for your eyes. Get those messy pigments out of your living space and by extension, out of your eye space. You’ll find stark whites, crisp grays, and enveloping blacks much more calming on the ol’ rods ‘n’ cones. Plus, purposeful lack of color lets everyone know that you are minimalist on purpose, and eventually with purpose as you ascend the levels.

Level 3: No Shelves

If you need shelves, that means you have stuff and "having stuff” is for poor people.

Level 4: No Things

"Things” are just “stuff” and you already saw what we had to say about “stuff.” You’re past things. Keep ascending the levels. Get rid of all your money.

Level 5: No You

Now that you’ve attained Peak Decor™ which is to materially realize that the decor does not exist, you’ve transcended your earthly form. You’re now a being made of Healing White Taste. Congratulations! 

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Midcentury Modern Pieces That’ll Make Your Guests Ask “Are We in a Ren & Stimpy Cartoon?”

As beautiful and timeless as Midcentury Modern can be, if you wanted to you could go full cartoon and bedeck your home in decor befitting the crassest children’s cartoon to ever exist. 

Coffee Table

Stop trying to make coffee tables interesting. They’re not. It’s a table whose purpose is to showcase BOOKS (the most boring of all nouns). A quirky coffee table makes you look like you don’t know what you’re doing except when it comes to ordering off the childrens menu. Get a regular boring table for your coffee and your monographs on Cai Guo-Qiang.

Sofa

You probably wanted to be an astronaut as a kid, and this sofa telegraphs that fact to everyone who sees it. This puke green is perfect. Your guests will wonder, “where does she hide her booger collection because it’s sure not under this Noguchi coffee table!” A good hostess never tells where she hides her booger collection.

Tiered End Table

One item in the room that’s as peak MCM as this one is fine. Anything more and you may as well hand out the sheet music to “Happy Happy Joy Joy” by Stinky Wizzleteats as soon as anyone crosses your threshold. 

But it’s all up to you. You’re ostensibly an adult so feel free to experiment to your heart’s desire. That’s the beauty of interior design: it’s lovely at every step but it’s never TRULY finished. Decorating your home is about as zen as obscene materialism gets.

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Decorating While Black: 3 Gallery Walls to Express How Much You’ll Miss the Obamas

President Barack Obama has 107 days left in office, which means you have 106 days to plan how you’re going to honor him and his smart, beautiful family through your interior design scheme. 

We’re all well aware of the classic Black American Triptych of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X flanking Black Jesus, but let’s up the ante on your aunties’ decor and celebrate the 21st century Black Jesus -- President Obama -- through the only medium that transcends race and religion: the gallery wall. Let’s take a look at some classic configurations.

9 Square

The 9 square gallery wall provides the three picture proportion of the Black Jesus triptych while updating it and expanding it into multiple dimensions. As perfect for rec rooms as it is for war rooms, this composition says “Yes Obama is Black Jesus and possibly better and here are the receipts.” He’s holding two babies, making him twice as good as a classical Madonna; Christ the Redeemer of Rio prays to HIM; he shoots rainbows out of his hands. Let us praise him.

Reflection

A reflection across the X-axis says what we’re all thinking: you are classy as all getout. It’ll look so good above your fireplace or above a table that ONLY holds decorative African masks and fertility sculptures. This arrangement looks best behind something, so a muted black and white palette keeps it in the background while also subtly hinting at the current racial climate in America. Also note the playful use of the mirror photo by Pete Souza: a literal reflection in a figurative reflection. Your mom will really relish that one. 

Spiral

Have some fun! Spirals are fun so use this pattern to showcase your favorite fun photos of Barack and Michelle. And hey, throw in the Black Obama Jesus too to appease your Grampdaddy who literally believes that Obama is Black Jesus. 

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Encino, CA

This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion comes to us from Encino, Los Angeles, California. Encino has been recommended to me time and time again, so I figured it was time to see what all the fuss is about. 

And fuss they should.

And somehow, this 4,354 square-foot house, built in 2008, is on the market for $1,995,000. 

That’s right, almost two million smackaroos. 

Before I begin my tour, I would like to warn my readers that this house contains so much beige that you might lose your ability to see color. McMansionHell is not liable for any injuries that may occur when viewing this post. 

The Two-Story Entryway with Bonus Sitting Room

The Dining Room

And not a single meal was finished in peace.

The Kitchen

Sometimes writing these posts is incredibly taxing on my psyche.

The Second Living Room

moving on, as we all do. 

Upstairs

The notable lack of books is a common trend amongst McMansions. Also note the incredibly cheap-looking column. 

The Master Bedroom

For some reason, this house is bringing out my dark side this week. 

Also: Wallpaper border or crown molding? You decide!

The Master Bathroom

The Not Master Bathrooms

Number One!

Number Two!

This small ridiculous bathroom was constructed with better quality than the rest of the entire house. Speaking of which, 

The Exterior

Oink oink.

On a side note, although it has been my most requested area, there weren’t a lot of houses on the market in Encino with interiors worth mocking, and the number of pictures per house were limited, hence this post is a little more brief than most! 

Don’t worry, though, join me on Sunday for The McMansions 101 Cheat Sheet, where the most typical features of the McMansion are laid out for your identifying pleasure. 

Like this post? Want to see more like it AND get behind the scenes content? Consider supporting me on Patreon! 

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.

[apartment-therapy-therapy]

Abstract Print Duvet Covers to Hide Your Very Real Depression Food Stains

Depression is real. Depression is a disease. Depression is also no reason to not still keep your bedroom beautifully decorated. In fact, let your problem be the solution to your design woes and use it as an opportunity. Your mental illness and your immaculate taste can be teammates in the game that we call “My Lexapro Stopped Working 7 Weeks Ago.” If you’re a bed binger, food stains have become a design element in their own right. But an abstract print duvet cover will hide your stains in the event that anyone does decide to come check on you. 

Colorful paint patterns-- especially watercolor-- are the best covers to hide the melted M’n’M’s and Skittles that you’ve been eating for every meal for the last four days. Rosie Brown set, $129. 

Choose your color scheme carefully. This pattern matches best with Tropical Flavors Skittles. Society6, $129. 

Dark colors with botanical accents let whoever finds your body know that despite the sedimentary layer of Cheeto crumbs in your sheets, you’re still twee as fuck. Anthropologie, $228.

If ethnic food (delivered, of course) is more your style, a dark brown pattern will hide any stain, from lamb vindaloo to pho broth. And let’s be honest, you’re not washing your covers anytime soon so all your food stains are going to turn to brown anyway. Black and Gold Marble by Santo Sagese, $129.