simple and clean @architectureofresistance - Tumblr Blog

I feel so sick. Another terrible love. It takes an ocean not to break. I am so tired. So tired.

#but also #stepping through my shadow #coming out the other side #I listened Lateralus last night for the first time since I was Not Okay in January and I laid in bed and felt it all through my body #and I've been reading this dense ass book on the developing brain and the importance of the integration of the two hemispheres #and they define integration as Differentiation and Linkage and so there are all these studies on the bilaterality of the brain #and he had also talked about music itself is in a sense integrative? and then I remembered the album is called Lateralus and I thought of #the vinyl images and tbh I w e p t ??? thinking of the complexity of my body and brain and also how grateful I am for tool #and i drew a line down the center of my body and thought about how divided and segregated I have felt lately and I listened to the music #go back and forth from ear(phone) to ear(phone) and imagined the sounds were integrating both sides of my brain and my whole self #and it was v. beautiful #anyway

niclo

Visit Original Link

#the weight of water #the way you taught me to look past everything I had ever learned

architectureofresistance

My brother is in the ER, in surgery, bc he fell off a forklift and his ribs ruptured his organs??? and I can't see him, none of us can see him? bc of covid??? and I am very scared and sad and i literally cannot process the fact that he might die??? I am Not Okay

architectureofresistance

I got word that the surgery went really well and he's in the ICU now. Thank g o d. I'm so grateful but I also just still feel sick to my stomach ugh.

Hi, hello, I had the most wonderful time spontaneously but also intentionally revisiting the newfound (to me) gorge IN THE RAIN, AS IT WAS GETTING DARK and there was no one there and it was so peaceful and important I can't even articulate it and I listened to music out loud with my waterproof speaker and for awhile I sang very loudly and danced around barefoot on the rocks to Phoebe Bridgers and Florence + the Machine in my jeans but when it got darker I legitimately just took my clothes off and it felt so nice???? I want to w e e p??? And I legitimately listened to "No Choir," naked??? right in the middle of the bridge in the semi-dark??? and thought about what it means to Be Content and Solid and Good and I felt so grateful for Florence Welch and everything her songs have given me??? And it started thundering and lightening and it was past eight and getting dark so I finally packed up and I drove home on the dark, very wind-y, and very very foggy Kancamagus while listening to Rilo Kiley and I w e p t with gratitude for my life and now I'm h o m e and my clothes are hanging up to dry and I'm going to read a book and listen to the rain and feel good, ok bye. and I'm learning so I'm leaving / and even though I'm grieving, I'm trying to find the meaning / let loss reveal it, let loss reveal it https://www.instagram.com/p/CAO1-8xHLxK/?igshid=16bt961h95595

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere that I literally have been/ was in a non-monogamous relationship with my 49 yr old professor who is 23 yrs my senior for the last 9 months. We ended our intimacy last week and it feels very sad but also so strange to try to see at a distance. Was it legitimate? was it actually just filled with power dynamics even as I worked endlessly (with her and by myself) to be intentional and work against whatever influence she had on me? It feels legitimate, but I think part of me almost wants to destroy its legitimacy? maybe bc I'm sad? Idk. Part (most?) of the power feels like it came from issues with hierarchical non-monogamy. That feels so hard to unpack. Ugh. I keep getting the urges to tell another student just to counteract the feeling like she just gets to walk away totally free from this and no one will ever even know she was intimate with someone other than her long term partner? Maybe that's fucked up. Idk.

Hi, hello. I am emotionally & mentally Exhausted. As of an hour ago I am almost entirely done w/ my undergraduate education--I'm only finishing up an Independent Study, w/ my own schedule! my own interests! my own texts! on Virginia Woolf!--which is wild. All my work for my "real courses" are done. I can hardly believe it tbh. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of school & how much it has hurt me more than held me over the last year. I feel almost ready to be done, almost ready to remember what learning looks like for myself. I will miss talking w/ other people about ideas, though--I will miss that very much. I'm exhausted, but also, there is GOOD NEWS: I received an extension to stay in my on campus apartment until August 9th! I don't have to move back into that shitty situation--at least not yet (or maybe ever). I feel grateful for the chance to focus on grieving so many things, to focus on p r o c e s s i n g my life & what I'm doing w/ it & where I'm going & to get a chance to stabilize w/o work looming over me, to be able to have my solid living space & strengthen my wellbeing. OTHER GOOD NEWS: Last week I got word that I was recognized as the Distinguished Graduating Student in the English Department! This means a lot to me, to be recognized for my accomplishments in this major, but also for the ways I've learned to be & learn & move inside of it, by myself & w/ others. I didn't know what English majors even did two yrs ago??? That's still so wild to me, g o d. It's still so strange to me that two years ago I reconnected with a girl who used to be an English major here & she told me abt Critical Theory & Post Structuralism & all these things I'd never heard of, so strange that we became so intimate & then we just stop talking--& that I then became an English major. I've always felt weird, like I stole This THING from her, that I should have left it alone, but I don't know how I could have, honestly--language & Theory saved me. Anyway, her birthday is tomorrow--I feel grateful I met her & that I learned from her, from the people who taught her, that they became the people who taught me. I'm grateful to have lived & learned so fully in & thru this program. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAG_wv2n8qg/?igshid=16diywwnl13n

One of my friends that I met on tumblr almost ten years ago died? She had a heart condition but she literally just posted 2 days ago that she was feeling good. I've been friends with her on fb and insta and haven't used tumblr in so long, I don't remember her url. Which feels so stupid. I tried looking through people I follow but couldn't find her. I think this is the first internet friend I've known that has died? It feels so strange and I don't know how to feel. But as soon as I say that, I start tearing up. So, I guess, that's how I feel.

Hi, hello??? Yesterday I got an email telling me that I had won the $1,000 Victor Howes Poetry Prize (thru the New England Poetry Club)???? The call was for submissions by undergraduate English majors in New England??? I legitimately cannot stop typing every sentence w/ an abundance of question marks bc, like, what the actual fuck???? I mean, if you write poems, you'll know that that amount of money for poetry is already w i l d, but for me??? to win a $1,000??? for some random poems I wrote??? I honestly do not u n d e r s t a n d ???? I mean, I DO, but I also don't? I know that I worked so hard & put so much into these poems, but I was so surprised that I started shaking & screaming "I'm going to scream? I'm going to scream?" over & over before I even finished reading the email??? I just??? do not comprehend, still am having trouble comprehending. I feel proud of these poems, I believe in these poems, I believe in the me in these poems. Tbh, I've felt so heavy for some time, but yesterday, I felt this intense & strange gratitude for these poems & for poetry in general. It felt almost t o o (?) deeply affirming to read someone else recognize what I am trying to do w/ my poems? I felt at once seen & filled w/ gratitude, but also strangely a f r a i d of the me that gets heavy & forgets how to be brimming w/ gratitude & ready to burst w/ love for living? I felt some kind of mourning for how much easier & light my life has felt before, & how buried that effortless lightness feels to me sometimes, these days? I felt all this complexity, but some part of me started to feel almost in touch w/ it again? I kept thinking also of what it means to struggle w/ things & write poems, but esp what it means to reach other ppl w/ my poems. I made a point to not let these feelings go: I drove w/ my partner an hr away to get food I really love, & when we got back to her house at 10pm, we went through her hundreds of poetry books & she read me poems w/ my head in her lap until 1:30 in the morning--we resolved to "m a r i n a t e" in poetry, in the goodness that is language & story & communion, & it was so very warm feeling & wonderful & I feel so grateful beyond articulation. https://www.instagram.com/p/B-SvVRZHOmx/?igshid=4kyetss82vgf

diabeticlesbian

Drawing the Line - Lesbian Sexual Politics on the Wall, Kiss and Tell, Press Gang, 1991. Susan Stewart in collaboration with Persimmon Blackbridge and Lizard Jones.

my "boss," Robin, who I've literally only known for 7 months, and who I've been working on Open Pedagogy with and have been helping run a "course" for 75 profs with--who loves me so much and believes in me, is going to help me apply to grad schools and I'm TERRIFIED omg. She said I should apply to a bunch of places even if they are reaches. She literally is saying I should apply to DARTMOUTH??? Like??? She legitimately believes I am smart enough to go to DARMOUTH lmao

I would be convenient, since I live in NH and literally grew up in the town next to Dartmouth. But also considering UMaine and some other places. I'm scared I won't be able to get funding, though. And I can't go without full funding and stipend. BUT it will be OKAY. I just have to figure out what the hell I want to do with my FUCKING LIFE jesus christ

I want to major in 10 million things, god help me

I feel like I haven't made a post in forever (not counting poems)! Hi, hello, it is me, J e s s. I'm having such a wonderful summer & I love life very much! I have been reading a lot books! & working a lot! I l o v e my job! I can't even tell you how much I love my job tbh. I work in the "Open Learning & Teaching Collaborative"--the CoLab (see, look at my SHIRT). Today we had our 3rd meeting of our "Cluster Pedagogy Learning Community" of 74 teachers/ staff (& me, the only student)! It's basically like a class for teachers, & I've been helping design/ run it, PLUS I'm also taking it/ am doing it with them! It's so wonderful to break down hierarchies between teachers & students, I LIVE for it tbh! We did/ talked about a lot of cool, interesting stuff today related to radical/ experimental/ new pedagogy (which basically means teaching theory/ practice). But what's even BETTER (& new news?): NEXT WEEK I'm FLYING TO VIRGINIA to attend a WEEKLONG CONFERENCE (called Digital Pedagogy Lab) on similar issues of radical teaching! I'll be getting to spend a whole week meeting/ talking to people from Academic Twitter that I've been getting to know for months! There will be teachers/ staff from literally all over the world! & I might be one of the only undergrad students there! The whole trip is PAID FOR & I am ENDLESSLY FUCKING LUCKY for my life & this job & especially for my "boss" (& friend? colleague? Partner in Critique?) Robin--who is running so much of this & who is also giving a keynote at the conference! She's ~A Super Duper Official Big Deal~ & it's pretty wacky that I ended up in the same place w/ someone who is known nationally & even internationally? Also pretty wacky that she likes me so much & thinks I'm smart, but y'know. I love this work so much & I love just??? getting to TALK w/ rly smart people ALL THE TIME??? about STUFF I LOVE??? & most of the time I literally get PAID TO DO IT??? It's W I L D. Anyway, I'll be gone all next week for that! The other pictures are of the Courses/ Workshops/ People at the CONFERENCE next week; & of 2 handouts I've made for the CoLab, where I took quotes from all the "homework" posts teachers have been making! (at Plymouth State University) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0jrUCbH5Sj/?igshid=15tqwzi2kyl8t

Just remembered I had a dream about c last night. I saw her in person, I think, maybe, briefly. There was a lot of indirectness and maybe-affection, as there use to be after we ended. It made my stomach ache for a minute to remember her (the real her--physically, or the idea of her in the dream) in the dream

tristealven

“I know what it is to walk into the mouth of an unfamiliar morning and feel everything. I touch hands with a stranger who gives me my change at the market, and I already know their history. I suppose this is survival. I will love those who no one else thinks to remember. This is all that is promised: there will be a decade you are born, and a decade that you will not make it out of alive.”

— Hanif Willis-Abdurraqib, from “Carly Rae Jepsen – “E•MO•TION”,” published in The Account

most of the sadness of c is gone, has been gone, but at the same time, I still miss her sometimes and think of her often.

#lmao it probably doesn't help that I'm listening to songs she posted last year that seemed directed at me #it's dumb bc i actually like the songs omfg #esp closer remix by kings of leon #but yes #is there a point to this post? not really #I'm going to work with robin d in the colab in an hour and I know that she liked her a lot and even though i know robin so well now #i still remember that all these people knew c before they knew me #but oh well

botanyshitposts

honestly ive had a lot of shockers with botany but one of the biggest ones that ive ever had was the realization that carnivorous plants are not, in fact, rare exotics that only live in the most untouched tropical jungles on earth but are actually normal plants who’s feeding and growing habits impact the ecosystem in which they live and they grow around the world, and we can draw mathematical curves to hypothesize when it becomes a burden to be carnivorous as a plant and there are very recent discoveries, like literally months old about how they may be more opportunist in feeding than we thought, and fun fact there are carnivorous plants living in every state in the USA, and living in canada, and in europe, and scandanavian countries, and south america, and in africa, india, china, and oceana, and places in between, and yes these plants are at higher risk for poaching because of how mysterious they appear to the public, and there are people in the carnivorous plant community who wonder about places we cannot get to due to political turmoil and other circumstances where, knowing what we now know about the statistical and biological probabilities of the carnivorous, and armed with this very new knowledge elucidating the nature of plant carnivory and how it came to be, it makes sense that they may exist (russia, managascar, parts of africa and indonesia) but have not been found, and there are classes of plants that seem to hover on the brink of evolving carnivorous traits that makes us ask what it really means to be carnivorous in the first place, and anyway

#!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is so interesting woweeee #things to remember

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

simple and clean