To My Mommy, with All My Heart
Hi mommy. it's 20 mins past 3 in the morning as i write this. I just lit a candle to you and to our loved ones who already crossed...and i can't help but to feel a little nostalgic about my childhood, which included most of them and you.
your birthday is just right in the corner, and i can't believe it's been 15 years since i last saw you, you beautiful, you. i remember you in fleeting moments, some days i still mourn you--i remember your perfume and how it sticks to our sheets, i remember how your blanket smelled like, a smell i can never forget because it gave me so much comfort.
i dont think people dont actually realize how lucky they are if they still have their mom around. the safety, the love, and wisdom they give are priceless. i sometimes find myself still missing to be mothered by you. i miss getting told what to do or not do, i miss being corrected even, or maybe i just miss you.
i can still remember the moment i was laid in the cold metal sheet of the operating table. instead of thinking about how i'll deliver my baby, all i can think of was you. that special moment suddenly turned to grief. i thought "wow, she must have felt this way, too, and if this is the only way I can connect to her, then so be it." Whenever i see and feel my c-section scar, i am reminded that we went through the same thing, and somehow we're still connected. I used to ask you about how I was birthed, and how you got your scar. you would patiently tell the story again and again, but one thing I noticed was you never got tired of telling all your birthing stories. it was not pride, i could tell it was because of love.
i am a mother myself now, but i wish i can still be mothered by you. I miss you. i never thought i can hold so much love for a person until you crossed... on most days i try to console myself with the fact that your blood literally runs through me, and we're bonded forever. i can never be graceful about my grief for my you. some days, i am inconsolable.
I wonder if I can say the word "mom" again without grief echoing in my heart. I'm not sure whether i can still see the world like i did back when you were still here or i'd smile like i used to.
You gave my world so much meaning, so much color, that im struggling to see how i can ever live in a world without you in it.
I carry you quietly--in my sleep, in my waking life, and in what remains of me.
I love you, mommy. Forever.
