I'm alive.
Hi everyone. It’s been nearly seven years.
In the time since my last post, I’ve graduated college, gotten a job, and haven’t written much of anything. I wish I could say that I lived a fulfilling life after abandoning my fanfic, but that would be a lie. I’ve mostly just been stewing in my own misery and going through the motions. Writing and even reading became extremely difficult for me. I don’t think I read a single book for five years… it was so, so bad. I don’t even know if I was actually alive for those years. Lol.
Note that my mental health does not excuse my actions. They are, in fact, inexcusable. I had no reason to go silent on my amazing, gracious readers and abandon a series that meant so much to me. I’m deeply ashamed that I did this to you guys, and I’m so, so sorry to everyone who wanted to read the conclusion of AU Harry and Draco’s story, or to those of you who were just worried about my wellbeing.
I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I was ashamed. I wanted it all to end, for various reasons, but mostly because I couldn’t read and write anymore. There wasn’t any point in living. If you're alarmed, don't be. I'm better now. A few months ago, I started medication for depression—should’ve done this WAYYYY earlier—and it’s helped a lot. I’m reading and writing again. Heck, I’m able to get up in the morning without feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck, and I’ve even been regularly cleaning my room. Baby steps, people!
But I’m not sure what will happen with Shadow of Mars. I’m rereading it now, and I want to finish writing it. I do. I had so much planned!!! However, if I were to continue Shadow of Mars where I left off, there’d be an obvious dip in writing quality. My writing skill has regressed. It’s atrophied, like a muscle.
That’s not a problem, since I don’t care about quality anymore lol. I don’t give a shit about my stories being “good.” All I give a shit about is ENJOYING MYSELF. And will I enjoy myself writing Shadow of Mars?
I don’t know.
I no longer have the same passion for bringing my outline to life. I’ve always felt extremely constrained by the HP universe, characters, and magic system. Though I do want to finish it, my motivation isn’t there, not yet. I know it will come.
I do have another story planned, one I’ve been writing and plotting and rewriting and replotting. I’m so excited about it. It takes place in a grimdark post-apocalyptic world and will be M/M (obviously). The character dynamics will be very different, but also very familiar. ;) The main character is a fusion between Sebastian and Theo, and he’s been a delight to write.
So my update is… there is no update. Lol. But I’m alive, happier than usual, and writing stuff again. One day, I know I will finish Shadow of Mars.
Here’s to a better 2025.
