Scared to Breathe

if you think you know me, no you dont

[arsenicisaddictive]

I don’t want to rest but I’m tired and I don’t want to be tired so I have to rest.

It’s heavy and I’m tired and I don’t want to fight being tired so I’m going to bed.

And disappointing people I love and disappointing myself because I want to be productive but I can’t

This stupid fucking disease and everything it has taken from me

And no cause, no treatment, no cure

I’d give anything in my life to wake up and not be tired

[arsenicisaddictive]

My life would be easier if there was less wrong with me

[arsenicisaddictive]

I miss writing. I miss having the energy to be creative, I miss having the motivation to write, I miss being able to put words together into something beautiful that makes sense, rather than the blurry ramblings I’m left with today

I knew chronic fatigue would take away my hobbies, I watched it take away every activity other than surviving, but my writing was always the one thing I still had

And now that’s gone too

Words just don’t come to me anymore, I can’t make them fit together or make sense the way I want them to, I can’t get them to say what I want them to say. It used to be so easy

I’m always scared of losing more of my life to this illness that has already taken so much from me, but there’s so little left of me to lose

What happens to me if it takes everything?

What do I become when there’s nothing left of me to lose?

[arsenicisaddictive]

I’m sick of being tired

I’m sick of the drowning type of tired, of this constant weight of being tired that’s dragging me down

I’m sick of not enjoying anything, of not wanting to do anything, of not caring about anyone, not wanting to see anyone, of not wanting to do anything other than lie down or sleep

I’m sick of never not being tired, of not having a break from being tired, even when I’m unable to sleep I’m still tired. I’m sick of it sitting over me like a weight and pulling me under

I’m sick of fighting being tired, of trying to push it away, or ignore it or pretend I’m not buckling underneath it

I’m just sick of being tired all the time, and losing all these parts of my life because I’m tired

I’d give anything to not be tired

[arsenicisaddictive]

Me: Damn, I’ve only been up 24 hours, I’m not usually this tired

*checks when I got up*

Me: Oh, I’ve been up 48 hours, that explains it

Anyways, anyone else not sleep at all half the week and sleep 16+ hours a day the other half?

No? I guess it’s just the raging insomnia and hypersomnia fucking me over

[arsenicisaddictive]

Telling me that I just need to be positive about my chronic illness

And then telling me that I talk about it too much and I-

I’m sorry that I mention the condition that affects me every minute of every day. You think I’m mentioning it too much but I’m not mentioning it enough for how much it affects my life.

*Internal screaming*

Just me being mad about something a ‘friend’ said cause he’s kinda turning into an ableist piece of shit

[6aint-deactivated20250716]

took it personally because I never would’ve done it to you

[arsenicisaddictive]

You were cruel

Of all the good or bad things I said to you, I was never cruel

I couldn’t do that to you

And now I don’t believe you when you say you love me

[arsenicisaddictive]

If dying were easier I'd have done it already

[arsenicisaddictive]

My body is just fucking built wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it and that makes me want to scream but I can’t because if I started I’d never stop so instead I just exist with the suffering and pretend that I don’t.

[arsenicisaddictive]

If dying were easier I'd have done it already

[arsenicisaddictive]

I find myself feeling this perpetual numb indifference; sure I can laugh and I don’t know if I can cry, but it’s like there’s nothing out there that can bother me.

And it’s not the hollow cold of depression, it’s just continually flat emotions where nothing really matters, but not in an unhappy way, just an inability to care way.

I don’t know how I feel about it, but all I know is I barely feel at all, and it’s weird because it bothers me but also doesn’t because there’s nothing that matters to me anymore.

Honestly, depression might’ve been better than this flat indifference, because at least then I knew I was missing something. Now I’m just a low static hum of non-existent emotion.

[arsenicisaddictive]

Turns out this is called Emotional Blunting, and it’s a side effect of my antidepressant.

[arsenicisaddictive]

I find myself feeling this perpetual numb indifference; sure I can laugh and I don’t know if I can cry, but it’s like there’s nothing out there that can bother me.

And it’s not the hollow cold of depression, it’s just continually flat emotions where nothing really matters, but not in an unhappy way, just an inability to care way.

I don’t know how I feel about it, but all I know is I barely feel at all, and it’s weird because it bothers me but also doesn’t because there’s nothing that matters to me anymore.

Honestly, depression might’ve been better than this flat indifference, because at least then I knew I was missing something. Now I’m just a low static hum of non-existent emotion.

[arsenicisaddictive]

Forgetting about your scars and then seeing them again and feeling like you’ve been punched in the chest.

I have days where I can’t live without them and I have days where I wish I could go just one day without the world having to see my scars and judge me for them.

I’m stuck with these for the rest of my life and I don’t hate them but I do

and I hate when people mention them and I can’t mention them myself even though it’s been over a year and I’m doing so much better but I just can’t talk about them, now and maybe ever and I don’t know how that makes me feel

[arsenicisaddictive]

It just takes one stupid thing to remember and then it all comes rushing back

I can’t even Look at clothes that remind me of the hospital because it was the worst part of my life and I never want to go back

But I’m worried it’s inevitable

[arsenicisaddictive]

I just reread a post I made the other day and

Knowing I’m never going to get better doesn’t make my head hurt any less.

I want to scream and shake people until they understand that the chronic part of my illness doesn’t make it hurt any less; you don’t stop feeling the pain, you don’t stop suffering, you don’t hurt any less than anyone else.

You just learn to live with it cause you don’t have a fucking choice

[arsenicisaddictive]

The thing about chronic illnesses

Is you end up mourning yourself

The pieces you lost to your sickness

And the parts of life you’re never getting back

And even though you’re still living

You’ve had to experience some kind of death

[blossomfully]

“For a while, everything ached and then a little voice inside of me said, “Hey, you have to do something other than hurt all the time." And I said, "I know. I know. I’m trying.”

— Sue Zhao

[arsenicisaddictive]

Chronic illnesses are wishing you’d get better and knowing you won’t and then accepting that you’re not going to get better and having to live with the fact that you never will.

Knowing I’m never going to get better doesn’t make my head hurt any less