Ashenvale

Ashenvale

[wheezyvale]

bottom of the river

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Getting dumped sucked. If anyone asked Tripp about it, he’d say that it felt like being dropped into a river and left to drown, but you were still alive the entire time. It had only been a day since Remi had stopped by to let him know that he couldn’t keep leading him on and that the person that he was interested in actually liked him back. While it hurt, Tripp hated to admit that he was secretly a little bit glad that at least he wasn’t being dumped for no reason. That was what he honestly expected at first when Remi implied that things weren’t working out, and he had to admit that his feelings for the werewolf were a little too strong to just be abandoned for no real reason.

As he finished up another small tattoo for a customer, there were no easy jokes, no lighthearted compliments, just very brief small talk and music blasted in his working space. He waved the customer off, not even bothering to shake his tip jar for an added reminder and then slumped back in his seat, eyes falling shut as he sprawled out. He was not going to be depressed about this, he refused, and yet nothing about him could find that trickster, upbeat personality that he usually had that brought the customers in over and over. Instead, it was just the sound of hard-rock breakup songs and a reminder that at the end of the night, he had to go home to a Lex who would ask where Remi was and a Versace who would just scoff at him for even having thought he deserved a boyfriend in the first place.

The tattoo shop was oddly quiet. There was loud music playing throughout as usual, but the lack of chatter made it feel silent. Brayden was used to Tripp talking his ear off as he pretended to listen, but today he kept mostly to himself. Brayden found himself casting subtle glances at his co-worker while he tattooed a customer, noticing there were no usual jokes or laughter, just small conversation. Brayden wasn’t concerned. Maybe, he was sick or something. After finishing up with a client, he took a brief smoke break outside, and when he came back in, he found Tripp’s crumpled form in his seat.

“If you’re sick, go home. Jesus.” Brayden muttered with a shake of his head. He’d rather Tripp miss a day of work than infect everyone. Not that Brayden would ever admit it aloud, but customers liked Tripp. He was highly requested. People chose Brayden when they wanted a certain kind of tattoo, but Tripp was the go-to for both entertainment and a good tattoo. It wouldn’t do any good if he was depressing all the customers. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Simba found himself wanting to say so many things, wanting to ask Remi why he had thought that Simba was worth any of his time or attention, but instead he stayed deadly silent, letting the wolf speak as much as he wanted to. At some point, he managed to muster the words that had been ringing in his mind ever since Jay told him he’d been dealing with her for years. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he asked softly, his fingers squeezing Remi’s as he looked at the man. “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt about me? I wouldn’t have…I’d never have hurt you like this if I’d known, Rem. You mean the world to me. I would’ve-” Simba didn’t know what he would’ve done, but it would have been something. The last thing he’d ever wanted was to hurt Remi, and the knowledge that he’d done so for years was hurting him more than anything else ever had before.

Instead of waiting for answers, he found himself untangling one of their joined hands, not quite willing to let go but also pretty sure that he had a good reason for it. Simba lifted his hand up to Remi’s cheek, his thumb wiping across the smooth skin to catch the drying tears. As he looked at the wolf, he managed a tiny smile. “I might be able to let you be a little greedy every now and again,” he told Remi before he took a sharp breath, gathered all of the courage that he could possibly muster, and leaned in, pressing the most gentle, loving of kisses to Remi’s lips.

“I,” Remi began, but stopped short when Simba untangled their hands. Any explanation Remi had slipped away as his hand moved to cup his cheek. Leaning into his touch, he met Simba’s smile with his own shy one, his cheeks flushing under his finger tips. The moment Simba began to lean in, time seemed to move in slow motion from sheer anticipation. Remi’s blood buzzed in his veins, and everything was silent, except for the sound of his racing heart in his ears. Then Simba’s lips met his and suddenly the noise came back in a roar, his sensitive hearing seeming to pick up everything, from the birds outside to  Simba’s stuttered breathing.

For a moment, he accept the sweet little kiss, lightly pressing his own lips against Simba’s, but then his hand went to fist Simba’s shirt to pull him in closer with a desperate sound. Inhaling sharply through his nostrils, he deepened the kiss. Remi was so convinced that this moment wouldn’t ever happen that the kiss almost felt like a dream. He needed his lips to bruise a little for him to know it was real. His free hand cupped the back of Simba’s neck as he moved their lips together. It wasn’t their first kiss, but it felt like it. His head wasn’t swimming from alcohol, there wasn’t club music buzzing in his ear. It was just the two of them, and it was everything he could ever hope for.

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Every word that Remi spoke made the man’s frustration with him more and more evident, but despite that tone, all Simba could see were the tears that had been falling down Remi’s face and how puffy and red his eyes were. He’d done that, he’d caused that, and like the absolute idiot that he was, Simba had walked away instead of doing something halfway decent like actually acknowledging Remi’s feelings. The guilt that was eating him seemed to grow tenfold at Remi’s words, but he couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t fix what he’d broken, he could just move forward.

“Ye say all that,” Simba said slowly, trying to choose his words as carefully as he could despite the fact that his brain was still running on a loop of how bad he was for the wolf. “But ye know me better than most everyone, and the few decent things I did don’t outweigh all the other crappy shit I’ve managed throughout the decades. I mean, at the very least, ye’ve gotta put a bet on how long it’ll take for me to fuck up badly enough for you to get sick of me. I’ve got money on it, y’know.” It was nothing more than a week attempt of a joke, but the self-deprecation was in every word that Simba said. He knew that no matter what he’d never be good enough for Remi, despite what the man or anyone else thought. Simba was horrifically in denial about it.

“I didn’t mean to push you away,” he mumbled, finally meeting the man’s gaze as he slowly reached for Remi’s hands, his own shaking as he tangled their fingers together. “And that’s all ye want from me?” he asked softly. “One bloody kiss?” His heart was pounding in his chest at the idea of getting to properly kiss Remi, not just limiting his experience to one drunken night in a club, and all Simba could do was hope that Remi really felt the same way enough to want it too.

Remi hated that Simba was still trying to argue against the idea of them together, though he shouldn’t be surprised. Remi wasn’t the only one of the two that had low self-esteem. He know that Simba only saw the worst in himself, having it drilled in his head early on by his parents. It wasn’t only Remi that needed reassurance that he was enough. He let out a quiet laugh at Simba’s attempt at a joke and rolled his eyes playfully. “You forget that I’ve constantly been around you since I was twelve. I’ve shared dorms with you, a house with you, and I still haven’t gotten sick of you,” He explained. “The only thing you’ve ever done to hurt me was be with people who aren’t me. And that’s not your fault, Simba. I never told you how I felt. Seeing you be with almost every student in that school, except for me broke my heart, but how could you possibly know that?” He pointed out with a little shrug.

“You’re not a bad person, Simba. You’re not perfect and you make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you’re not good for me. You make me happy, and I want to make you happy too,” Remi whispered, looking down as Simba laced their fingers together. He let out a shaky breath, his heart stuttering just at the idea of kissing him. It’s all he’s wanted since he was old enough to understand romantic feelings. Technically, they did already kiss, but the memories were blurry, and he wanted vivid memories. 

“No,” He shook his head, gaze returning to Simba’s. “Not just one bloody kiss, because if you kiss me once, I’m never going to want you to stop. I want multiple bloody kisses. I want to be with you. I’m rather greedy, honestly,” He joked with a shaky laugh, his own hands trembling in Simba’s.

Jay was too impatient to wait for them to finish talking to find out what happened. He carefully approached the kitchen window and got down on his knees, peering over the windowsill. He spotted his two best mates crouched on the kitchen floor with their hands tangled together. That was a good sign, though he couldn’t see their facial expressions from this angle. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

The amount of laughter that escaped Jay’s lips after his words was extremely discomforting. The fact that he was baring his soul to the shifter and the response was laughter made Simba briefly wonder if that was something he should’ve done in the first place, but when Jay explained his reasoning, an entirely different wash of feelings came over him.

Hearing Jay tell him that Remi had been constantly agonising about how Simba had never become his because he wasn’t good enough absolutely destroyed the man. He had never wanted Remi to feel that way, and with every moment of self doubt, Simba had made it his personal mission to constantly remind Remi how special he was. He’d been telling him all along the way he felt about him without using the exact words, and now that he knew that Remi still felt useless and unaccepted by one of the people that was closest to him made Simba feel completely miserable. Without a word, he pushed away from Jay, swerving around the man to go back to the house.

The second Simba got the door open, he came into the kitchen where he’d left Remi, kneeling down in front of the man. “Listen to me, eh? You’re good enough - no, you’re more than good enough. You’re bloody amazing and you deserve someone who could give you the whole world and even more than that. I wish that was me, I’ve wanted that to be me for so long, but Remi, you’re too good for me. I see the way that fae is with you, and he treats you the way you should be treated. I’m never gonna be able to compete with that. Honestly, you’d get completely sick of me after one half-decent shag and a couple of flirty remarks. I’ve never gotten why you stuck around with us in the first place, but I think you built me up in your head too much and I’m just gonna disappoint you in the end, and…I don’t wanna do that to you. You deserve so much better than an idiot who can’t get his shit together long enough to have a relationship with anyone halfway decent, let alone the most amazing person in the bloody world.”

“Hey--what?” Jay stammered when Simba suddenly pulled away from, sweeping past him to go back into the house. An excited grin grew on Jay’s lips as he watched the front door close behind him. “Oh thank fuck,” He breathed. 

Usually, Remi would try and eavesdrop on their conversation. Admittedly, he’s done it quite a lot in the past, but he didn’t have the energy to. He also didn’t want to hear what Simba had to say. He made his intentions clear when he walked out the door. As the two talked outside, his sobs ebbed, leaving behind a slow trickled of tears down his cheeks that he didn’t bother to wipe away, until he heard someone approach the door. “Fuck,” He cursed before frantically wiping at his cheeks. He was ready to tear Jay apart, and he refused to cry while doing it. It wasn’t Jay who appeared in the doorway though. 

“Simba,” Remi stated in surprise, preparing to push himself back to his feet when Simba joined him on the floor, causing him to pause his movement. The first words out of his mouth caused Remi to blink in confusion, unsure how they went from ‘go back to your boyfriend’ to ‘you’re good enough.’ He remained silent as he listened to Simba patiently, even though he wanted to cut in numerous times during his speech. He could barely hear the shifter over his own heart pounding in hears. There was a lot to comprehend. Part of him was fucking thrilled, because Simba did have feelings for him, but it was hard to let himself be happy when an even larger part of him was furious that Simba was still being an idiot. 

“Simba,” Remi started, his frustration evident with just the one word. “I appreciate you saying those nice things about me, I really do, but can you please stop treating me with kid gloves?” He pleaded. “I bloody hate when you and Jay speak for me. So, please stop making assumptions about how I feel. I think I know my own feelings better than you do, yeah? I know whether I’d get sick of you or not. I know who I want, you don’t get to decide who’s better for me,” Remi knew he sounded stern, but he wasn’t like Jay or Simba. He didn’t want to let passion get the best of him. He needed to explain himself as clearly as possible to Simba.

“You think I built you up in my head too much? Don’t you think you’re doing the same with me? I’m not the most amazing person in the world, Sim, I’m just a person,” He let out a quiet laugh, looking down to pick at a loose string on his jumper. “I don’t think I’ve built you up in my head at all actually. I’m not expecting something extravagant with you, Simba. I just want to be with my best friend,” He murmured, gaze flickering back to his eyes. “You’ve always been there for me. Always. You’ve always tried your hardest to make me feel special or normal. When you found out I was a werewolf, you made the full moon better for me. When you found out I was transgender, you were never disgusted or mean. You did whatever you could to make me feel comfortable with myself, like when I got top surgery,” He let out a watery laugh, and willed himself to keep any more tears from falling. He hated being such a sap. “I love you, Simba. Not because I think you’re some sort of god, but because you’re my best friend. Obviously, I’m not expecting much from you, considering, after waiting for years, I find out you feel the same way, and I get you trying to push me away, rather than a bloody kiss.” 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Everything that Jay was saying made absolute sense, but for some reason Simba couldn’t seem to let himself accept his words. He knew that he’d constantly been making Remi miserable and that the only thing that could fix that was him getting his act together and actually admitting his feelings, but he was terrified. He knew that he wasn’t good enough for Remi, that no matter what he did he’d never be good enough for him, but for some reason Jay was certain that he was. “What if you’re wrong?” Simba finally asked, his voice so soft into Jay’s shoulder. He was having such a hard time with all of this. Pining after Remi was one thing, but letting himself have this…that was an entirely different story.

“What happens if he realises there’s nothing there and it all just becomes a mess? I don’t…I don’t think I can let me get my hopes up, Jay. He’s gonna see that everyone else in the world is so much better for him than me, and then…it’s all gonna go to shit. I can’t let that happen, Jay. I’d rather lose him than let that happen…”

I don’t think I can get my hopes up, Jay. The amount of times Jay heard Remi say the same exact thing was almost hilarious. If the two of them could just hear each other talk, they’d realize how they were literally agonizing over the same thing. Not being enough for each other, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting their hopes up. They were too busy being scared to actually let themselves be with each other. Unable to help it, he started laughing and then he couldn’t stop. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He breathed through his laughter. “It’s just--God, it’s like talking to the same person with you two. Do you even know who you’re talking about, Simba? Remi. The lad beats himself up on a daily basis,” He said, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down. “I know Remi, mate. As much as I hate it, he doesn’t think he deserves anyone. He’s not going to suddenly think he’s too good for you when, for the past decade, he’s been coming to me, agonizing over how he’ll never be good enough for you. His words, not mine.” 

Finally, Jay pulled away from Simba and gave him a stern look. “You know what he said to me after Hale told him? ‘I always thought one of the reasons Simba didn’t want me was because we’re friends, but obviously that isn’t true. He just doesn’t want me, because I’m not good enough,’” He quoted the wolf, mimicking his Welsh accent and everything. “You two waste so much fucking time worrying that you’re not good enough for the other when you could just be together,” The exasperation was clear in his voice. It wasn’t just Simba and Remi who had to deal with this for ages, Jay did too, and he was tired of it. “You’ve known each other since we were kids, you don’t need to put on an act for each other. You don’t need to change yourself just because you’re together, you just need to be yourselves. You fell in love with each other by just being yourselves, didn’t you?”

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

“Well what am I supposed to do?” Simba responded, the desperation evident in his voice as he continued to fight against his desire and instincts to face reality. “I don’t need to be critical to know that we’d have a few good months and then it’d all go to shit, Jay. I’ve never wanted to have a relationship for that reason, and Remi…he’s too good for all this bullshit. It’s better that he finds someone who’s gonna treat him good and just…” Simba’s words faltered, unable to admit that at the end of it all he’d end up losing Remi as a friend completely, regardless of what ended up happening. He knew that if they dated it’d end horribly, and if he didn’t tell Remi the truth, they’d never have that friendship that they’d had all those years again, not if Remi thought he was rejecting him.

The hug was horribly needed, and Simba found himself melting a little bit into Jay’s grip, his own hands clenching tightly to the fabric of Jay’s shirt as he gripped onto his best friend. “It’s better for all of us if he gets over me, y’know that,” he mumbled softly to Jay. “He needs someone who’s gonna make him happy, and ya’ said it already, all I’ve been doin’ is making him miserable for years.” It was so hard to admit the truth, but Simba found that having actually said the words he realised just how horrible it made him feel. He wanted Remi to be happy, and despite how badly he wanted that, he was too foolish to realise that Jay was telling the truth and that the only person that could make Remi happy was him.

Simba had to be the most stubborn man on the planet. It made Jay want to ring his neck, but he resisted, purely because he already punched him, which he never ever wanted to do again. As much as he wanted to try to make Simba listen to, it was clear he wasn’t really getting anywhere, and he was going to have to go back to a werewolf who probably hated him now. He wasn’t ready to give up just yet though, but he knew he would have to give it up eventually. They couldn’t stand in the front yard all day, he had to like--eat and stuff. 

“You’ve been making him miserable by not being with him, you numpty,” Jay let out an exasperated laugh, causing Simba’s hair to move with his breath as he held his friend tight. “All that time having to watch you be with other people. Wasn’t very good for his self-esteem, I imagine. Especially after he found out about me,” He winced, still feeling horribly guilty for that. Teenage Jay wasn’t the smartest...current Jay wasn’t either. 

“You don’t know it’ll all go to shit, Sim,” Jay sighed, pulling back enough to look Simba in the eye. “Why are you so sure of that? Are you planning on cheating on him or something? It might be amazing, but you won’t even give it a chance.” Jay knew the consequences of entering a relationship with a best friend and having it fall apart. The difference between Jay and Avalon and Simba and Remi was that Simba wouldn’t have another person he was missing and secretly wishing he was with. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

It wasn’t fair, none of this was. Jay was trying to guilt him into turning back around and telling Remi the truth, but Simba couldn’t find it in himself to do so. He wanted to tell him everything, he really did, but if he told Remi the truth, they’d have maybe a few months of happiness and then Remi would see that there wasn’t anything worth staying for and he’d lose his best friend, probably both of them. Still, he found his steps faltering at the mention of Hale having told Remi about his past activities with Jay. It’d been a bored summer in the middle of nowhere, what else were they supposed to do other than get wasted every moment of the day?

The knowledge that Remi had gone to Tripp for that… It caused an unnatural heaviness in Simba’s chest. He wanted to run from it all at that, but a larger part of him wanted to turn right back around and tell Remi that his intimacy with Jay had been nothing but boredom. The hand on his shoulder was a grounding comfort to Simba, and despite his immediate desire to shrug it off, he stayed in place and listened to Jay’s further guilt trip. “This supposed to make me feel better?” he finally asked, his voice full of tension that he’d been holding from himself and Jay.

Simba turned, looking at Jay for the first time since the punch to the face. Despite having tried to blink them away, his eyes still watered from mostly unshed tears. “What do you want me to do, Jay? If I go back there and I tell him…anything, he’ll break up with that guy, sure, but what then? We end up together for a few months at best and then he realises that everything he wanted this relationship to be is just a mess with a person that he fabricated in his mind? I’m not right for him, never have been. Why else d’you think I never said anything? Remi’s too good for me.”

Jay swallowed roughly when Simba finally looked at him. He saw the tears in his eyes and had to stop himself from hugging him. He could never kick those brotherly instincts that he had towards Simba. He never had any siblings, so Simba was as close as they came. Right now, he had to talk to him though and try to make him see reason. Jay was suspicious the reason behind Simba rejecting Remi was to protect him, but having it confirmed only made him more angry. Not at Simba, but the people who put the idea in his head that he wasn’t worthy of love. 

“You’re giving him too much credit and not enough to yourself,” Jay deadpanned with a shake of his head. “Simba, I love you, mate, but you’ve got a habit of ruining things for yourself. Nobody is more critical of you than yourself, and after everything you went through, I don’t fucking blame you, but you’ve got to let yourself have something,” Jay pleaded, brown eyes wide and sincere. “Remi isn’t too good for you, and you’re not too good for him. You’re good for each other. He’s not looking for a knight in shining armor, mate, come on,” He let out a half-hearted laugh. “You’re there for him. You accept him. That’s all he’s ever really needed, yeah?”

He sighed before giving in and pulling Simba in for a hug. “You don’t have to listen to me, Sim. If you really don’t want to do this, I’m not forcing you. I just think you’re making a mistake,” He murmured in his ear. “You can turn him down, but then what? You both pine over each other for the rest of your lives? You know he loves you now. Can you really just forget that and pretend you’re okay with just being friends?”

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

The slap on the face was more deserved than anything, but Simba still felt a small sting of betrayal. He knew that Jay regretted it the second that he had done it, but at the same time, Simba knew that no matter what, the hit was nothing close to fair punishment for what he’d just done to Remi. He almost wished that Jay would give him more slaps, more punches. Anything would be better than having to actually give Jay an answer to the stream of questions that came out of his mouth.

How was he supposed to tell Jay that he wasn’t good enough for Remi? How was he supposed to give Jay any sort of indication that he hated himself so much that he wouldn’t let himself or Remi be happy by giving in to the one thing he’d wanted for years. Remi deserved so much better than him, and Simba could’ve given him that happiness by just saying he felt the same way, but instead here he was, punishing himself and Remi in the process of his stupid self-hatred. “Don’t matter,” he mumbled, his voice wobbling slightly as he tried to steady his words. “He’s got a boyfriend that’ll make him happy. Remi doesn’t need me.” He couldn’t even find it in himself to tell Jay just why he felt like this. Instead, Simba’s shoulder slumped and he turned, determined to walk away before Jay could ask him more questions about how blatantly stupid he was being.

Jay hated the way Simba’s voice wobbled as he used the same excuse for the millionth time. There was clearly more to his poor decision than he was letting on. Knowing Simba, he would never tell him, unless he was drunk or Jay could somehow pry it out of him. “He only started dating Tripp, because he found out about us,” Jay blurted the moment he saw Simba start to walk away, hoping it would be enough to get him to stay and hear him out. “Hale told Remi that we used to--you know, and like a day later Remi met Tripp. He’s not in love with him,” Jay took a careful step towards Simba, not wanting to bombard him like he just did. 

“Mate, you’re mental if you think Remi wouldn’t drop everything to be with you.  You’re making a mistake,” Jay insisted as he laid a hand on Simba’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I don’t know if you’re having a commitment issues or if you’re afraid of hurting him, but what you just did in there probably hurt him more than anything. You’ve been hurting him by not being with him,” He explained. The goal wasn’t to make Simba feel bad for the past, but he saw a side of Remi that Simba never did, and he had to get him to understand. “It’s just--I’ve known for a long time, yeah? I should’ve let him tell you himself, but he was never going to.” 

“You love him, and you want to be with him, and you’re being really fucking unfair to let him think otherwise. I tried to get him to tell you, but he was so scared you’d hate him,” Jay explained, a desperate edge to his voice. He didn’t want to tear the group apart, he just wanted them to finally fucking be together. It was torture to watch. “I don’t care about the fae, okay? I know you keep trying to force Remi on him, but chances are he’s going to break up with him after this anyway. Remi isn’t cruel enough to lead someone on like that.” 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Useless fucking idiot. Stupid bastard. What a waste of space. The words that he’d been told by his father all those years ago were running through his mind, clogged up with the reminders that Remi loved him and that instead of letting them both be happy all he did was end up ruining everything. It made sense, at least. That’s all that Simba ever did in his life. It was why Icici hated him, it was why his parents never wanted to see him again. The fact that Jay’s family had even considered taking him in back then was purely out of pity, he was almost certain of it. As he walked down the front steps of the house, he found himself blinking back the painful stinging of tears that were threatening to fall.

He was barely to the sidewalk when he heard Jay’s voice, the sound of pure anger in the man’s tone, but Simba couldn’t even find it in himself to react. “Fuck off, Jayce,” he responded, his voice as curt and emotionless as he could manage as he continued to pace down the street as quickly as he could. Of course he didn’t make it far, not without a hand on him again, yanking him back. The fist was a surprise. No matter how long or how mad they’d been with each other, Simba and Jay had never been violent. Even in their animal forms, everything was just playful and calm, not an attack on one another. The punch meant that Jay was serious, and Simba didn’t even have it in himself to protest it. He took the punch, his entire cheek stinging with pain the second Jay’s fist made contact with it, and if the man broke something, well, Simba didn’t really care. Instead of responding, Simba pulled his arm from Jay’s grip, head hanging, his hair falling into a protective curtain around his face. He wouldn’t let Jay see the tear that ran down his face, nor would he give him the satisfaction of a response. If destroying his only chance with Remi meant ruining his friendship with Jay in the process, it was just what Simba deserved.

Jay was ready to rant about how angry he was at Simba for turning Remi down like that, the sight of the crumpled werewolf still fresh in his mind. The way Simba went silent after being hit and curled in on himself was enough to stop him though. The realization of what he did hit him suddenly, causing him to let out a shaky breath. He just hit Simba. His brother. He never hit Simba in his life. He was really doing a fucking terrible job of fixing things today. “Simba,” He murmured as he stepped closer, wanting to hug his friend, but knowing he didn’t deserve to after that. “I’m so, so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have done that I just--why? I don’t understand,” He stammered. “Why did you do that? He told you he loves you. Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get him to do that?” 

He could still remember vividly when they were fourteen and he confronted Remi about his feelings for Simba. It was so bloody obvious, and he should’ve just let him think that nobody knew, but he didn’t like secrets. Ever since then, he would try and encourage Remi to tell him, but the boy was too stubborn. The worst part was when he figured out Simba felt the same way,  but the two of them were too stupid to do anything about it. He couldn’t understand any of it. “Why won’t you let yourself have this, mate? I know you want to be with him, and he clearly wants to be with you. So, why are you leaving?”

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Remi’s confession was even worse than Simba had imagined. He knew that if the man’s feelings were real that this would hurt, but the ache in his chest was ripping the man apart from the inside out. His entire heart felt like it was on fire, the pain spreading throughout his body as he tried not to think about the fact that he wanted this more than he could ever let himself have. It didn’t matter whether Remi hated him or was so in love with him that he could barely breathe, no matter the outcome, Simba couldn’t let himself have this. Remi was too good for a piece of trash like him. The only thing Simba could do was to make it hurt. He had to make it all hurt.

Simba wrenched his hand out of Remi’s hand, whirling around. “What does it matter whether or not I love you? At the end of the day, you’ve got a boyfriend, and you’d be bloody mad to even think about breaking up with him for me. He’s good for you, and —” Simba faltered, the words fizzling on his tongue. He couldn’t let Remi know the truth. He refused to ever let anyone know just how lowly he thought about himself, how horrid of a person he was and how utterly useless he’d always be. Instead, Simba just shook his head, dropping his gaze from Remi so he didn’t have to look at the tears staining the man’s cheeks anymore. That hurt too much. “You’re happy with him,” Simba mumbled. “Go be happy with him, not me.” It didn’t feel like a rejection, but with those words, it felt like Simba was severing the last ties he had with his best friend, the man that he refused to admit that he cared for, and before he could make things worse, he turned for the door, forcing himself to be anywhere but there, lest he broke down and gave Remi a bit of insight into his true feelings.

The way Simba wrenched his hand out of Remi’s felt like a slap to the face, and the words that followed were like a knife to the chest. Whatever Jay thought about Simba, he was clearly wrong. It was all a horrible misunderstanding, and Jay just ruined their friendship by outing him. Simba’s rejection, while not a blatant rejection, just seemed like a nice way turn him down. He was trying to divert Remi’s attention to Tripp, because he didn’t want him. He never did. Rather than just tell Remi that, he was hoping to placate him, so he didn’t have to tell the truth. It didn’t matter, because he’s known the truth all along, and now he had to face it.

Remi let him go this time, purely because he just couldn’t get himself to move or speak. As soon as the door shut though, the floodgates opened, and he let out a loud sob, legs giving out on him as he slid down the wall. The noise seemed to stir Jay from his room.. He didn’t even stop to say anything to Remi as he bound past him and practically flew out the front door. 

“Simba!” Jay roared. How could he fucking do that? Remi finally told him how he felt and he didn’t do anything, even though Jay knew he felt the same way. Now, he had a broken werewolf inside and the reason behind it was running away again. No. Fuck that. Jay wouldn’t let him get away that easily. When he reached Simba, he tugged him back by the arm and reeled his fist back, connecting it with his cheek. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Simba was so close to the door, he was just a step or two away from yanking the handle open, maybe even off of the door, and escaping, but Remi was quicker than that. He stilled in the frame the second that Remi grabbed onto his hand, the instinctive desire to flinch away from the touch rattling him to the core. He didn’t deserve Remi’s touches, he didn’t deserve the wolf’s affection. He barely even deserved Remi as a friend, but for some dumb reason, he hadn’t managed to scare the wolf off throughout the years. 

The worst thing that Simba had ever experienced in his life was the day that his parents kicked him out and washed their hands of him, or so he thought. This moment, however, definitely seemed to top that. Remi holding onto his hand was bad enough, a reminder that despite whatever feelings there were, the man was taken, but the words that followed were even worse. A confession of love, a reality that Simba had thought might be there but he never deserved, that made reality ten times worse. He’d had other people confess feelings for him before, a few even going far enough to say that they loved him if he’d just look and see that, but hearing it from Remi, that his feelings were possibly reciprocated but that Simba could never let himself have that was enough to destroy the man if he let it.

Still, Simba found his own hand squeezing around Remi’s in response, a silent gesture of feelings that he wasn’t strong enough to betray. “You shouldn’t,” he said, the bitterness in his voice directed solely towards himself. “You have a boyfriend, you should go be with him.” He had no intention on telling Remi why he wouldn’t admit his feelings, absolutely no desire to tell himself that he wasn’t good enough for him in any state, friend or more. 

The anger that surged through him in response to Simba’s dismissal surprised Remi. He always envisioned two scenarios when he entertained the idea of one day confessing his feelings to Simba. Either Simba would blatantly reject him and never speak to him again or the shifter would reciprocate his feelings--the latter being the one Remi only considered when he was feeling particularly masochistic. Now that it was out there, he was getting neither. Instead, Simba dismissed his feelings, saying he shouldn’t love him as if that wasn’t something Remi already considered. 

“I shouldn’t?” Remi couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that escaped. “You make it sound so easy, Simba. You think I didn’t spend the last decade wishing I didn’t? You think I wouldn’t just turn it off that I could by now?” He shook his head, unable to stop himself now that he started. He’s been keeping so much to himself for so long that now that he was opening up, he couldn’t stop. 

“Whether you think I should or shouldn’t doesn’t matter. I love you. I don’t love Tripp, and I don’t think I ever will, especially if there’s any chance that you feel the same way,” Remi’s voice shook dangerously as the tears continued to fill his eyes. He hated how easily he cried when he was angry. It made him look so weak. “Please, Simba, if what Jay said is true, tell me. I have to know.”

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale: 

The idea of looking anywhere but the table seemed absolutely maddening to Simba. A small part of him wanted to make eye contact with the man, but at the same time he was desperate to never, ever get a reaction out of Remi about what Jay had just confessed for him. Of course that was impossible, because Remi was Remi and any sane person had to know the truth once it had been admitted by a third party.

Is that true? There were a million responses that Simba could give, ranging from a mere shrug to blatant denial that would just end up hurting all of them, but the words that came out of his mouth seemed to be anything but. “What a fucking cunt,” Simba said, his voice gravelly from a lack of use the past few hours. He found himself forcing his gaze to the doorway that Jay had disappeared through, determined to rip out his vocal chords by the end of the day so he could never reveal another secret again, but answering Remi wasn’t even a plausible thought. How could he admit his feelings for the man when he’d resigned himself that he’d never pursue them? Remi was the sun his world revolved around, and if he’d ever come close to hurting him, Simba would never forgive himself. It was inevitable though. Simba was useless, a nothing.There would be no reason for Remi to want to be with him, no one should.

After a moment, he pushed himself up out of the his chair, still not meeting the man’s eyes. “What’s it matter? You’ve got a boyfriend anyway.” The words stung as he said them, the jealousy obvious in his voice despite the determination to keep it under wraps. There was no point in denying it now that Remi knew the truth, but maybe, just maybe, Simba was fast enough to escape before the situation blew up any further. Sure, they’d have to talk about it at some point, but that didn’t mean it had to be now.

While Remi agreed with Simba’s comment, it did nothing to ease the fear clawing at his insides. It wasn’t a no, he told himself. Simba could’ve so easily claimed that Jay was mental and denied it all, but he didn’t. Remi needed answers, because if there was any chance that Simba felt the same way, it would change everything. Before he could think of something to say, Simba was out of his seat, clearly ready to leave. Remi almost let him, figuring it was better than a rejection, but the words that left Simba’s lips changed his mind. It wasn’t necessarily what he said, but the way he said it. He almost sounded jealous, like Jay said. 

“Simba, wait,” Remi clambered out of his chair so fast that he nearly knocked it over, rushing over to grab Simba’s hand before he could leave. “Please, don’t go,” He begged quietly, looking up at his friend with wide, tear-filled eyes. He needed to tell him. Jay already laid it out on the table, he just needed to confirm. The words were stuck in his throat though, so used to the idea that he would never, ever telling Simba how he felt. “It matters,” He breathed, his voice trembling from the fear of what he was about to say. “Because Jay’s right. I’ve...I’ve been in love with you for years.” 

The moment he said it, his hand tightened around Simba’s, afraid that he’d walk away in disgust. The same worries that he always had raced through his mind. Simba would never love him. He was just a disgusting werewolf who didn’t deserve him. Simba couldn’t possibly want him, because his body was all wrong. He was too boring, too inexperienced, too ugly. He wasn’t enough for Simba, so what Jay said couldn’t possibly be true. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Simba almost responded to Jay’s initial comments. The words were lodged in his throat, a bitterly ironic laugh and a, ‘Look who’s talking’ on the tip of his tongue. How dare Jay mention them running from their problems when he ran away from his own for so long? He had half a mind to tell him just that, but Simba was still too mad at him to acknowledge that Jay existed right now, and the last thing he wanted to do was give the man that satisfaction of getting the first word in.

If he’d known what was about to come out of the man’s mouth next, he probably would’ve done it.

The last thing that Simba expected to hear was that Jay was tired of whatever it was that was bothering him. As far as Simba had known, there was no drama between them before all of this, but clearly he’d been wrong. Remi trying to derail the conversation had Simba mildly intrigued, and for a brief moment he met the wolf’s gaze before focusing very intently on his sandwich, a good thing when his entire demeanour changed at Jay’s words. Remi loved him. No, that wasn’t right. Remi was in love with him.

Simba could’ve never predicted that that was the case. Sure, they’d been best mates for what seemed like forever, but the knowledge that Remi had even the slightest hint of romantic feelings towards him wasn’t something that Simba had ever dared let himself believe. He’d once imagined that Remi fancied him, but the knowledge that he’d never be good enough for the man had been more than enough to quash those thoughts. Jay’s confession had the man staring intently down at the table, gaze practically burning a hole in the wood as he tried to get those words to stop repeating themselves in his head. Everything was out in the open now, at least his half of it for sure, and he couldn’t dare meet the werewolf’s eyes, not now. Simba wouldn’t dare risk seeing the disappointment on his face when he realised the truth, nor would he let himself get his hopes up only to have it be a sick ploy of Jay’s for what Simba had initially said to him about Hale. All of this sounded unreal, like an unsatisfying dream that had promise, just as long as you didn’t wake up too soon, and the last thing that Simba wanted to do was let it turn out to be just that.

“Remi’s been in love with you since birth.”

The tears filled Remi’s eyes before he could even comprehend what Jay said, his entire body going numb from sheer panic and hurt. The secret that he so carefully hid for the past decade was just announced like it meant nothing. The worst part was the betrayal. It wasn’t enough for Jay to have sex with Simba, knowing how he felt, but then to reveal his feelings to Simba despite the numerous times he begged him not to. He was so lost in his own shock that he nearly missed the second part to Jay’s statement, but he didn’t. Simba was jealous of Tripp. Simba loved him. He found himself shaking his head as he stared at the spot that Jay used to occupy. It just wasn’t possible. He accepted ages ago that Simba would never love him back. The kiss in the club was just a drunken mistake. He was so sure that his feelings were unrequited that he started dating Tripp.

Jay sounded so sure though, and he tried to squash any hope that he was right. A few tears escaped as he shifted his gaze to Simba, quick to wipe them away with the sleeve of his sweater. “Simba,” He whispered, desperate to meet his friend’s eyes, so he could gauge the truth from them. “Is that true?” His voice shook as he wiped at his cheeks again with a trembling hand. Remi was so afraid of his answer, certain that he was unable to handle that kind of rejection now that Simba knew how he felt. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Being in Remi’s general vicinity was a hard thing for Simba to do, but that was nothing compared to the burst of anger that he felt the second he heard Jay’s voice. A part of him wanted to run and hide so that he didn’t have to acknowledge Jay, but the rest of him just felt that burst of fury that had caused him to say such vile things to the man in the first place. It wasn’t Jay’s place to comment on how Simba acted around anyone, let alone Remi’s boyfriend — the word made him sick. That man wasn’t good enough for Remi, no one was, but it wasn’t Simba’s place to say that, not when he didn’t have a good enough excuse as to why no one was good enough for Remi, not one that he could say anyway.

The sight of Jay had Simba immediately turning, shifting in his chair towards Remi but not looking at him either. Instead, he took another angry bite of his sandwich and pulled out his phone, randomly scrolling through all of his social media and liking whatever pictures he could find as an excuse to ignore Jay. No matter what the man said, he wasn’t going to acknowledge the man, he didn’t care about him. No best friend would act the way he did, and if there was some guilt in Simba’s stomach for the vile he’d spit out at Jay for being defensive for Remi, well, Simba just ignored it as best as he could.

Jay wasn’t sure what annoyed him more, Remi and Simba ignoring each other or Remi and Simba ignoring him. It was a shitty feeling to have his two best mates currently hate him, but he was also so over them both. None of this would’ve happened if the they would just get their head out of their arses and tell the truth. Remi wouldn’t be off dating some fae to get over Simba, and he and Simba wouldn’t have had that awful fight. So really, this was all their fault. “Really?” Jay snapped as he looked between the two. “So we’re just all going to ignore each other then? Let’s forget ten years of friendship and tip toe around each other. You two can keep disappearing rather than actually talking about your problems.” He should really, really shut up. Remi was shooting him a look that clearly read, “Stop talking, Jay,” and he didn’t want to give him more reasons to end their friendship.

He turned away from Simba and Remi, ready to retreat to his room like he’s been doing for the past week, but he paused. Those two were never going to to tell each other the truth, and there was already a likelihood that neither of them would forgive him for what he did, so he decided to risk it all. “Actually, you know what? I’m tired of this,” He gave a bitter laugh as he returned to the table. 

“Jay,” Remi warned, eyes nearly glowing as he glared at him, but he waved the werewolf off. 

“Simba, you want to know why Remi hates me? It’s because Hale told him that me and you used to shag, and Remi’s been in love with you since birth, so obviously he’s devastated,” He nearly stopped when he saw the way that Remi’s eyes immediately brimmed with tears, but he wasn’t done yet. This was a two way street, after all. “And Remi. Simba’s being a brat, because I called him out for avoiding you, because he’s jealous of your boyfriend.” It was out in the open, and he couldn’t find it in him to feel guilty. “Remi loves you, and you love Remi, and that’s the truth. I’m done with this,” He held his hands up in surrender before storming off to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 

[wheezyvale]

beautiful trauma

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Coming home was the absolute last thing that Simba wanted to do, but he knew after the three day mark that one of the others was probably mildly concerned as to whether he was alive or not. To say that he was looking forward to this conversation sounded like a bad joke, but after exhausting every last place that he could stay with friends and, well — others, he had run out of couches to crash on and home was the only place left. Despite the fact that it felt like he was tucking his tail and crawling back, Simba wasn’t dare going to beg for forgiveness. He didn’t care how mad Jay was at him for the fight they’d had the other day, and it wasn’t like Remi was acknowledging him for some stupid thing he’d done, not that he knew what that was. The only thing he could do at this point was get in and get out as soon as he could, preferably without anyone seeing him.

The second he walked in the door, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He could see Remi at the kitchen table the second he walked into the house and based on the shuffling towards the back it only made sense that Jay was around. Simba let out a low grumble of frustration but quickly decided that he had to commit now that he’d walked in the door. He pushed the door shut behind him, slamming it just a little bit louder than he’d intended, and walked into the kitchen without a word, his back to Remi as he prepared himself a sandwich. If Remi wasn’t talking to him, then Simba wouldn’t talk to him either, and if that asshole fae even thought about coming around, Simba would make sure that he wouldn’t acknowledge him either. He was done trying to be nice, not that he’d been trying much in the first place. They wanted to play the silence game, he would just return it tenfold.

Simba threw the knife he’d used into the sink and roughly tugged the chair out from under the table, dropping himself into the seat and intentionally turning himself as far away from Remi as he could while he shoved bites of the sandwich into his mouth. Screw them, he thought to himself. Don’t need friends like these anyway. He knew it was a lie, but the anger was still fresh in his veins, and despite his desire to want to just curl into Jay’s side and whine to him about how much he hated Remi’s new boyfriend, Jay was dead to him — for now, at least.

Remi made an effort to be at their house as little as possible lately. When he wasn’t in class, he was at work or with Tripp or at the library. Home was basically just where he went to sleep. He just couldn’t be around Jay, plus he hated how empty the house felt without Simba. Remi tried not to notice or care about the shifters absence, but he was physically incapable of not caring about Simba. Jay, however, he couldn’t even look at without feeling sick after what Hale told him. Simba, he could accept, because he had no idea how Remi felt, but Jay...Jay was there every time Remi cried over Simba. Jay knew how much Remi loved him, and he still slept with him. So, home didn’t feel much like home lately, but he did technically still live there. Tripp was working a shift at the tattoo parlor, and the library was closed, leaving Remi to read at the kitchen table while Jay kept his distance in his bedroom.

He went to turn the page when he was hit with what he called his “Simba sense,” prompting him to look up just as he opened the front door. Remi immediately wanted to bombard him with questions of where he was and why he left, but he forced himself to stay silent. He stared stubbornly at his book, though he didn’t even bother with reading it anymore. As much as his heart didn’t seem to agree, he was angry at Simba--for sleeping with Jay, for kissing him at the club and pretending like nothing happened. Plus, he had Tripp. He liked Tripp, but he would never love him if he still loved Simba. 

Still Remi couldn’t help but peek at Simba from behind his book, fingers clenching around the pages as he noticed how Simba was actively trying not to look at him. What was he mad at him for? Remi didn’t do anything. He wasn’t involved with Jay and Simba’s apparent fight. He was saved from the urge to say something when Jay suddenly entered the room. 

“Who was at the door?” Jay asked before stopping short at the sight of Simba. “Oh, you’re back. What happened? Run out of food?”

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

where do broken hearts go?

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale:

Tripp couldn’t help but grin as Remi played along with him, pleased that the man was interested in his joking thoughts about a novel idea. “Great,” he said. “I’ve always wanted to be the damsel, and to have a dragon guarding me? Even better.” He couldn’t help but smile a little softer as he looked at Remi, both surprised and a little bit amused by the way the man seemed to get embarrassed by the idea of skinny dipping with him. “I disagree,” he told the werewolf. “But then again, I did say that as a joke. I tend not to skinny dip on the first date. Now the second one…well anything might happen.” He paused. “That was another joke, just in case you weren’t entirely certain.” Tripp awkwardly cleared his throat before glancing down at the table. “So, uh…in the story, will you be my knight in shining armour?”

Remi couldn’t seem to get his cheeks to stop flushing, because even when Tripp retracted his suggestion, he also added on to it. Laughing shakily, he cupped his cheeks in embarrassment and ducked his head. “Stop,” He groaned playfully with a shake of his head. “I don’t think I can go any redder.” He blinked up at Tripp in surprise from his question, his heart stuttering in his chest. He never thought anyone except for Simba was capable of making his heart skip a beat, and the fact that Tripp just did was more refreshing than he expected. Maybe, he could move on from Simba. There were so many people in the world. Simba couldn’t be everything to him. “Would you like me to be?” He asked quietly. 

[wheezyvale]

temporary fix

[ashenvale-massachusetts]

wheezyvale: 

He should’ve just kept going. There was absolutely no reason why Hale should’ve stopped and listened to the man’s words, but he couldn’t help himself. The seventeen-year-old inside of him wanted answers, wanted to know why Jay couldn’t have just said that he was interested in Aiden rather than cheat on him the way that he had, but these days, Hale would rather continue to pretend that Jay didn’t exist than know the full story. Still, he found himself stopping on the sidewalk, shoulder’s tensing as he turned towards the sound of Jay’s voice. “Let you just….what? What excuse are you going to come up with this time? What lie would you like to use? Go on, I’m waiting.” He gripped tighter to his bag, almost wishing that he could see the look on Jay’s face, to know what it looked like to see that guilt manifest in more than just his tone. “Actually, no,” he snapped, venom in his tone. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care what you have to say, Jayce. I never did.” The anger was coursing through his veins, overpowering the hurt and the upset that Hale had felt for so long afterwards. He’d made it almost seven years without having to know what Jay would try and say to defend his choices, he wasn’t about to start listening now. Hale forced himself to turn around, to keep walking. He couldn’t do this to himself again, not after he’d spent so much time picking up the pieces of what little self-esteem Jay had made him feel like he actually deserved to have. He wasn’t going to let the man break him again.

Jay stopped short when Hale did, eyes wide and mouth gaping as he waited for him to respond. If Hale could see him, he would see how much of an idiotic he looked. He never thought they would meet again, and he didn’t have a plan of what he would do if they ever did. He grimaced as the werewolf raised his voice, expecting it but still in shocked all the same. “I...” He began quietly, but was cut off. Hale’s words cut like a knife, causing him to just blink dumbly for a moment. The stubborn part of him wanted to fight back and explain himself, but he had years to think about his mistake, and knew he deserved the biting words. So, instead of saying anything, he watched Hale walk away, throat tight with pent up emotion. Jay knew the chances of ever earning Hale’s forgiveness were nearly impossible, but seeing him again only made him positive that he wanted to try. It was like destiny was giving a second chance. Letting out a shaky breath, he forgot about his class and his coursework and was already dialing Simba’s number as he began to walk home. “Mate, you’re never going to fucking believe who I saw,” He let out a shaky laugh. “Whatever you’re doing, stop, because we’re getting fucked up.”