ash//active june 2021

under 13 / don't have an ed dni sw:200 cw:184.8 gw1:180 (lbs)

[ashieeve2]

I hate how people on tiktok act like we care about "fixing our internalized fatphobia" like my insides are rotting I kinda have bigger things to worry abt.. I had someone tell me "if you focus on not being fatphobic you won't be anorexic anymore" like I already know that shits not gonna work so I'm j gonna keep focusing on on dying thanks tho

[ashieeve2]

I feel like a fraud running an ed account when I literwlly can't stop binging.. but rn I feel like I'm in the over-exercising and over-eating stage of my ed. Every time I relapse, it goes from heavily restricting to heavily restricting and exercising to over eating and over exercising then back to heavily restricting so let's hope I get back to heavily restricting soon

[ashieeve2]

Yall I kinda want a tapeworm.. I know it's gross but think abt it, you get to eat basically whatever you want for a while and LOSE weight, then you take a pill and poop it out. The only reason I was scared of them was bc when I was younger I saw a doctor show where they had to pull the tapeworm out of a guys asshole and I thought that was how all tapeworms got removed but that only happens when it grows really long, and ik you can die from them but you either die or lose weight its kinda a win-win situation yk

[ashieeve2]

I know this sound weird bc seasonal depression is usually fall/winter exclusive and there's science to back it up, (less sunlight, and some people don't see the sun for days) but mine always comes during the summer.. like winter makes me so happy and I can usually actually get out of bed and go outside hang out with my friends ect. But now that its summer I've been struggling so much, staying up all night and sleeping till 5pm, getting drunk and binging and its so terrible. I haven't been genuinely happy in weeks, and usually when I'm in an episode like this I'll be actually happy for a few hours but that hasn't happened to me is so long :(

Sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm currently drunk as fuck lmao

[ashieeve2]

I've been eating basically whatever I want for the past like week and a half and I feel so shitty:( I even gained 10 lbs, and that took me a month to lose. How does it take me only a week to gain it back? Anyways I hate myself sm and I can't work out because there's an air quality warning (I live outside Chicago so there's a shit ton of pollution here) and I don't wanna have an asthma attack so I'm gonna fast all day tomorrow until the warning is lifted

[ashieeve2]

Things to do instead of binging:))

•Online shopping, I like to add a bunch of things that I want to my cart and see how much I can make it cost

•Play games on your phone, im currently playing 'adorable home', 'dadish', 'harvest town', 'sim city build it', and 'duskwood' (this one is seriously so underrated its my favorite game ever, its not finished yet so you have to wait for new updates once you finish whats already there but there's 8 episodes and I could literally play it for hours I love it)

•Deeo clean your room!! Idk abt yall but since its summer now and I don't have school its been kinda hard to get out of bed and do stuff since I don't actually HAVE to do anything so my room was so messy I could barely walk thru it and I had no clothes left to wear it was horrible and I cleaned it today and I feel so much better

•Make a pintrest board. It can be a thinsp0 board or just a regular one but making them can be so time consuming

•Take a nap. I like to wake up early and work out then sleep for the rest of the day lol

•Go to the park, I live in a small town and everything's pretty spaced out so I burn like 200 calories walking to the school park and if I ride my bike to the others, they're all 3-5 miles away so there and back is like 600 calories burned

•Take a bath, I don't rly like baths that much so I don't rly do this but it can be vv relaxing for some:)

•Play with your younger siblings(if you have them) my brother just started t-ball and my parents make me help him practice batting and its honestly such a good workout and distracts me from food

[ashieeve2]

"Shes starving herself for attention"

Ok? She's still starving herself dumbass. It doesn't matter why

[ashieeve2]

I fucking hate those skinny girls on tiktok that are all "diet culture is stupid!! Eat whatever you want!! You shouldn't be worried about calories go have fun!" And all that dumb shit because they're not fat. They never have been and they never will be. They don't know what its like to hate yourself every second of every day, they don't go to sleep thinking about their body and wake up thinking about their body. Sure, they have insecurities, everyone does. But they can forget about their insecurities. They can forget about the calories that they ate and didn't burn off. They can eat before going swimming and not be self conscious. They can look at their stomach and say "whatever, I'm just bloated" and that makes me so mad. Maybe I'm jealous, I or maybe I'm mad because they expect everyone to be able to love their bodies unconditionally, maybe im mad that I can't

[ashieeve2]

YALL I CALLED OUT ONE OF THE GIRLS THAT MAKES POSTS LIKE THAT AND SHE IMMEDIATELY MISGENDERED ME BAHAH HELLO???

[ashieeve2]

I think I'm gonna start posting what I eat every day to hold myself accountable because I've been binging so mf much

[ashieeve2]

I fucking hate those skinny girls on tiktok that are all "diet culture is stupid!! Eat whatever you want!! You shouldn't be worried about calories go have fun!" And all that dumb shit because they're not fat. They never have been and they never will be. They don't know what its like to hate yourself every second of every day, they don't go to sleep thinking about their body and wake up thinking about their body. Sure, they have insecurities, everyone does. But they can forget about their insecurities. They can forget about the calories that they ate and didn't burn off. They can eat before going swimming and not be self conscious. They can look at their stomach and say "whatever, I'm just bloated" and that makes me so mad. Maybe I'm jealous, I or maybe I'm mad because they expect everyone to be able to love their bodies unconditionally, maybe im mad that I can't

[ashieeve2]

I cant wait until the holiday is over so I can go back to the area club I run at and sit down in the middle of the road to cry during my 5 mile run without anyone bothering me

[ashieeve2]

I feel like health and weight loss is kinda turning into a special interest for me so expect really long rants about stuff like that (not that yall would mind cause..)

[ashieeve2]

Also!!! Im camping rn so I can't rly research anything atm but ill be able to in like 3-4 days :)

[ashieeve2]

I feel like health and weight loss is kinda turning into a special interest for me so expect really long rants about stuff like that (not that yall would mind cause..)

[ashieeve2]

I used to be super athletic and stuff and I would run a lot and I wanted to get more into running bc its summer now and I can run outside and I think I'm gonna start doing it regularly bc I ran about 1.5 miles and rode my bike for 6 and burned 770 calories (thats everything I burned, including walking around) and I ate under my limit today for the first time in maybe a week <3

[ashieeve2]

I just binged on 1,600 calories on pizza and pop and I feel so disgusting and full I hate it but I realized that a few months ago I used to eat that as a meal??? And now im so stuffed I can barely move

Anyways im gonna stay up super late and sleep in till like 2 tomorrow and only eat one meal and try to stay under like 400 till the weekend bc im going camping with my family and were going swimming bc the beach opens and im cmgoing to be fishing with my sister in law all day and were wearing our swimsuits bc we dont want to get weird tans and I have a bikini :/

[ashieeve2]

So if ur on tiktok u know that people are starting to hate people with eds because were all "fatphobic" which is NOT true, so here's some reasons I developed an eating disorder that aren't about weight or being skinny

-im sick, and I want people to believe me

I've always been sick, not just with an eating disorder. I've been to doctors, neurologists and even tried unconventional methods like crystals, going to a chiropractor, meditating ect. Ice tried everything. I've gone on diets, medications, basically everything I could think of. It was so bad that at one point, one of my doctors thought I had cancer, but as time went on, nothing helped me and everyone started to think that I was faking. There were no reasons to believe me, so why would they? I can't control this. I can't control the thing thats been happening to me since elementary school, but I can control how much I eat. I can eat as little as I want, and get as sick as I want. And people will notice. They'll cry for me, and apologize for never believing me. I'll finally get help.

-im in control.

Like I said in the 1st reason, I can control how much/little I eat. At the end of the day, when I look at my calorie counter and see that I only ate 200 calories, it makes me happy. My life is so terrible and chaotic, and it hurts to know that I can't control it. But I can control this

- I'm finally doing something right.

I've quit so many things over the years just because i can't do them. But I can do this, it makes me feel accomplished, as bad as it sounds, I'm proud of myself for doing this.

I'll add onto this as I think of more <3

[ashieeve2]

Just burned 250 calories bc I walked to the dollar store to get monster and hair dye instead of driving and I live in a small town thats super spread out (like so spread out that most places won't deliver food to our house bc its too far away) but its 82 degrees (F) and im sweating like a bitch but im gonna take a cold shower and a nap and hopefully ill wake up in around 4 hours then ill eat a fruit salad (168 cals) and dye my hair then ill take a bunch on melatonin and go back to sleep :))

Also starting soon (maybe tomorrow? Or maybe the day after idk) I'm gonna wake up at like 5-6 am so I can go outside and work out before it gets hot and I can do it before my family wakes up but im gonna do one of those 1-2 week challenges and see how much I lose