Ask a Man

Stephen Shaughnessy is a Certified Man who lives in England in 1882. He answers questions on tumblr through the strangest of black magics, which he does not choose to explain here. He answers the questions that Men (with a capital M) are best at answering: the ones where everyone already knows the answer.

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, I am well aware you are among the greatest and manliest of men. Why is it then, that you seem to be in the employ of - dare I say it- a woman. How can you reconcile your conscious with such a thing? Yours & etc., Baffled

Dear Baffled,

I believe you are not just baffled, but also confused. Men have been taking money from women since time immemorial. Taking property from the female of the species is so time-honored a tradition that it should be considered a national pastime for my sex.

Alas. Now that the marriage laws have been reformed to allow women to retain earnings and other property post-marriage, earning wages from a woman is now one of the only ways for a man to exercise this prerogative.

Rest assured that I only take compensation from Mrs. Marshall-Clark. I do not take orders from her. In fact--

[Stephen, must you always go on like this? Learn brevity for once. -F.M.]

Ah. Ahem. Right. In fact, I must end this column instantly and abruptly, a thing that I do entirely on my own initiative and not at all because anyone of either sex told me to do so.

Yours truly,Stephen ShaughnessyDefinite Man

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, do you think a Man can or should read romantic novels, especially those written by women? It seems from my experience that many men rather disdain things they perceive to be "feminine" or "for women," and if they do do those things, they're certainly not admitting it. Why do they feel that way and what is your opinion on it? --Curious Romance Reader

Dear Curious,

We all know what romantic novels are: stultifying tales of boring female matters--relationships, friendships, and unrealistic depictions of men as champions. But even a Man as certain of his answers as I am can surely open his mind long enough to slam it shut.

Yes, my readers--I, a Man, read a romantic novel. The novel in question was a modern book, published in 1879. It was entitled "Her World against a Lie: a Romance," and the author was Florence Marryat. 

Men, having undertaken the reading of this novel myself, I beseech you: Do not under any circumstances read romantic novels.

You are far better off believing that women read romantic novels to sigh over unrealistically handsome, charming depictions of men. By all means, retain your innocence on this front. In fact, stop reading now, because I am about to describe the shocking heart of what lies in women's breasts.

This book starts off with the character Hephzibah Horton--an unmarried woman of some forty years who shows no wish to correct that state, and indeed, supports herself in style through her writing, and admonishes others with things like: "What else can you expect when you put yourself in the power of a man?"

Now, we are all familiar with the figure of the ludicrous, sad, embittered man-hater, gracing many the pages of a fine novel. But Miss Horton is not ridiculous, nor is she embittered; in fact, she makes the men around her look ridiculous. More importantly, the book itself--centering around the trials of one Mrs. Delia Moray--explains in great detail how women in bad situations (according to the book, almost all marriages)--can get free of them by making use of the legal system. It reads as half fiction/half guide for all oppressed women.

I had expected an optimistic, shiny tale wherein a woman was saved from certain disgrace by a man. Instead, I got a gritty tale of a woman beaten by a drunkard who was saved by other women.

In the end, Miss Horton does marry, as one expects of such a genre--but she retains her own name and chooses a husband she may henpeck.

Even I, an Actual Man, quailed before this romantic novel. All you lesser specimens out there might actually perish.

Men: Take my advice and avoid these at all costs.

Sincerely yours,Stephen ShaughnessyTraumatized Man

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Dear Man, I suppose you have convinced me--the male of the species is the superior sex. But don't you think there might be one thing that women can do better than men? --Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I hope I have not convinced you that men do all things better than women. We surely do not.

We do, however, do one thing better than women: We are far superior at claiming credit for things we did not do.

Therefore, it doesn't behoove you to list all the things that women can do better than men. If you do, we'll simply know that we have not yet done our duty in stealing your glory on that particular front, and we shall address the issue posthaste.

Yours,Stephen ShaughnessyCreditably Male

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, I make decorative birds for ladies' hats in a factory, and am paid a shilling per ten birds made. I have been doing this for twelve years, and am fast enough now that I can make a living. I just discovered that the boy next to me is being paid a shilling per six birds, which seems unfair. How do I remedy this injustice?

You are right; there is a grave injustice in the situation you describe, the sort of unfairness that would rankle anyone, were they aware of it. Only a person of great integrity would note the disparity and speak up about it, and I commend you for your strength of mind.Luckily, the solution to the problem you point out is quite simple. We all know that it will not do to have a woman paid 66% of what a man receives. If you wish to remedy this imbalance--and to correct the proper payment disparity so that you are receiving a much fairer 40% of what a man receives--all you need to do is give the poor boy next to you your excess.There! Now wasn't that easy?Yours,Stephen ShaughnessyDivinely Male

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, I have a horrible problem, one that causes all sorts of embarrassment to those around me. I have a tendency to contradict men, and not in a polite fashion. I am coming up on eighty years of age now, and I'm too old to change my ways. But it is so bothersome when the poor dears cry. Should I just lay stock in pocket handkerchiefs, or do you have another suggestion? --All Wet

Dear Wet,

Dear oh dear. What are we to do? We can't have this sort of behavior. We can't have it at all. Why, if everyone acted as you did, it would be a great waste.

A waste of man-tears, that is, and one must never waste anything, let alone man-tears! To that end, I provide you with the following recipe:

Grandmama Shaughnessy's Man-Tear Soda Bread

Put a half pound of wheat meal into a large bowl along with a teaspoonful of salt. Take a teacup, and fill it halfway with cold man-tears. Mix in a large teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda. (Warm man-tears will activate the bicarbonate of soda too quickly--please chill your man-tears in the pantry before using!) 

Quickly add this pathetic soda mixture to the meal, and then, stirring gently, add buttermilk until your dough is soft but not quite oozing.

Make a cake some one inch thick, and set this in a Dutch oven. Apply a moderate heat for some twenty minutes, and then lay some live coals atop for about half an hour to finish the baking.

Wholesome and delicious, with a bitterly poignant aftertaste.

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, My wife wants me to subscribe to the newfangled Telephone Network. Should I be worried that she is entangled in an illicit affair? Why else should she wish for such a ridiculous thing? Yours, Concerned Husband.

Dear Husband, 

It has been a mere handful of months since the Postmaster General began issuing licenses for private telephonic exchanges, and of course many are taking an interest in this extraordinary new technology. Why, if your wife had access to a telephone, she might be able to lift a receiver and speak with anyone, with only a mere twenty or so of your neighbors able to listen in on the conversation! 

Naturally one’s thoughts on such an occasion turn to illicit affairs.

Just as one says the following: “My wife bought a new bonnet on Tuesday. Is she conducting an illicit affair?” Or: “My wife frowned twice during dinner last night. Is she conducting an illicit affair?” Or: “My wife continues to exist when I am not present. Is she conducting an illicit affair?”

If you are nodding your head thoughtfully to the above while wondering fretfully if your wife is conducting an illicit affair, then yes, husband, you ought to be concerned. Deeply concerned. 

It’s not because your wife is conducting an illicit affair, you ninny. It’s because you should be embarrassed to harbor such ridiculous and unfounded jealousy.

Sincerely, Stephen Shaughnessy Secure in Manhood

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, recently my elder sister and dearest reading buddy has stopped reading books with female main characters under the belief that they are boring. She recently clams to only like male characters and only read books centered around males. This distresses me because I enjoy discussing books with her. Every time I recommend a book to her she shoots it down before trying it since the leads tend to be female. How am I to get her to try these books? - Sincerely Fearing the Loss of a Book Buddy

Dear Book Buddy,

Fear not! You need not lose the friendship and reading camaraderie of your sister. All you need to do is simply stop reading books with women as leads.

We all know that the male condition is universal; books about men, therefore, serve the exact same purpose as books about women. Books about women are small, cribbed things—you’re better off not reading them at all.

(Unless it is one of my books—I have written books with female leads, but as I am a man, you can be assured that I present their feminine point of view in a universal way.)

Yours truly, Stephen Shaughnessy Grade-A Man

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, Having inquired of my lady-friends and found no effective advice, I find myself turning to you, A Man, for guidance in this delicate matter: How best should a dutiful wife inspire marital passion in her husband once more? Months pass without the slightest touch of affection, and while the ladies of my acquaintance suggest that he is turning his attentions elsewhere, I wonder how that can be, if indeed all women are the same? Please, I have nowhere else to turn! ~Chastity

Dear Chastity,

In cases such as yours, I often suggest something terribly drastic.

Ladies and gentleman, before you read my shocking suggestion, I ask you to sit down and bring your smelling salts close to hand.

Consider asking your husband the cause of his turning away.

I know. It is a dreadful, indelicate thought. Men and women using words to communicate with one another? Why, if we started doing that as a society, it would be a terrible thing. Men might hire women over men, simply because the women had better qualifications. Might might listen to women when they had good ideas, and actually give the women credit for their thoughts instead of stealing them. The entire fabric of our society would erode!

Please be assured that I intend this only in the context of this particularly delicate marital problem. There are many things that are sanctified only within the context of marriage, and actual communication is one of those few things.

So I suggest to you that you might wish to talk to your husband. He may keep a mistress. He may be distracted by his work. He may have committed a crime, and in his shame, not be willing to come to your bed. He could also be impotent—and is afraid to initiate marital relations, for fear that you will think less of him. There are a thousand reasons why a man might turn from his wife, and not all of them signify another woman.

Ask him.

Once you have come to the bottom of this particular problem, however, please stop communicating with your husband. Our civilization cannot risk such a brazen back-and-forth.

Yours sincerely,Stephen Shaughnessy Distinguished Man

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, what is the proper etiquette for interacting with a Man one has romantically snubbed, but wishes to maintain cordial relations with if possible? -Politely Declining

Dear Politely Declining,

You are operating under a misunderstanding: there is no way to politely decline a man. When a man asks you for…whatever it is that he asks you for, he puts his entire soul on the line. No matter how lewd or poorly thought out the invitation may be, he bares himself to you (sometimes literally) when he asks for your…ah, well, we’ll leave that unsaid, too.

To reject him at all is to crush his spirit like the grape that it is; to spend time in his company is to curdle that grape into the sourest vinegar. There is no way to decline a man without risking putrefaction of his personality. Despite the fact that men claim to be the stronger, abler sex, not given to feminine emotional reactions, we are nonetheless subject to this universal law.

I am sure this explains a great deal about certain men. (It also explains why I am an exceptionally good-natured fellow.)

Yours in all things unsaid, Stephen Shaughnessy Uncrushed Man

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man: I work as a copyist for a barrister. In the late afternoons, when the others in the office are all out running errands, he has taken to touching me in places that are unwelcome and making suggestions that I, a respectably married lady, dare not countenance. I need the income, however. What do you suggest? Superbly Confused.

Dear Superbly Confused,

Ah. One of those: A pillar of the community who is obsessed with his own pillar. I hope we can all agree that no woman should have to choose between the sanctity of her own body and her future income.

You ask me what I suggest, and, as I am a man, naturally I see a solution to your difficult and heart-rending problem. It is actually quite simple. You see, we men could do a great deal to stamp out this sort of behavior. The next time we hear a man joke about the things he is planning to do with his unsuspecting employee, we might tell him that he’s a loathsome toad, stop inviting him to all our public events, and stop sending business his way. If we see someone touching a woman without invitation, why we could cut him from polite (and impolite society) entirely. When a woman comes to us with a horrific tale of male imposition, why, we could take her seriously and impose whatever sanctions necessary on the brute who did her wrong.

Men! We have the power to prevent these sad abuses. Let us band together and stamp out—

Wait one moment. I have just this moment received a notice from the Man-Office. (Women: You may not have heard of the Man-Office. This is for obvious reasons.) The Man-Office tells me that we cannot possibly do this, because we might make the men who have brutally violated and imposed upon women feel badly.

Ah, well, then. Never mind all that. Surely we dare not be so unfeeling as to make terrible people feel badly when they do terrible things.

Yours truly,Stephen ShaughnessyMinion of the Man-Office

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, as a member of the powerful British Empire, no doubt you think very highly of yourself and your station in this world. However I wonder on the implications of other rising Great Powers such as France, Russia, America all age old powers, or even the likes of German who show promise to become very powerful industrially and militarily. Do you see the Empire on which the sun never sets being eclipsed by these other powers in due time? Or is the Empire and Her Majesty eternal? - Yankee

Dear Yank,

As a point of order, I feel compelled to mention that this particular Man is a subject of the British Empire, not a member of it. I was born in one of the first lands conquered by England. But that won’t stop me from giving a glowing answer. Who, after all, should better sing the praises of the Empire than one subjugated by it?

Every proof of the lasting nature of our Empire can be obtained by observing my native home of Ireland. We have been under British rule for many a century, and already our agitation has faded to…to…

Well, to be quite accurate, the agitation has not faded appreciably. In recent decades, the clamor has actually grown. But never mind facts; they are bad for colonial work. Let us try another tack.

You can see how efficient the British colonial machinery has become simply by comparing Ireland with India. In the Great Famine in Ireland, some three decades past, mere hundreds of thousands died of disease and starvation. In India’s more recent famine, Britain managed to elevate the death toll into the millions.

The British Empire: Now with ten times more colonialism! I ask you, how could such an empire possibly fail?

Yours Truly,Stephen ShaughnessyMale Subject

[ask-a-man]

Dear Sir, Can you please share your thoughts on ladies partaking of spirits? Is it indecorous? Will I have trouble making a successful match if I drink anything stronger than ratafia? My mama says yes, but I think she sneaks my father's brandy when he's at his club. -A Sadly Sober Maiden

Dear Sadly Sober,

Naturally I must agree with your mother—it is improper for a woman of any age to be found drinking spirits. The key words in that sentence, as with all rules of propriety, of course are “to be found.” The rules of propriety do not restrict actual behavior; they apply only to observed behavior. When you are told not to sneeze, not to break wind, and indeed, not to partake of spirits, the speaker means only that you must not be seen to do so.

All of these things are perfectly acceptable so long as nobody can prove you are doing them.

Once you understand that the rules of propriety are about what is known of you, and not about what you actually do, you’ll realize that there is no hypocrisy at all in your mother taking a tipple every now and then. Indeed, given that women are required to hide all imperfections in public by arcane rules, it would be a wonder if she didn’t.

Yours truly,Stephen ShaughnessySuperbly Male

[ask-a-man]

A note from our editor

Dear all, I am delighted that so many you have chosen to ask questions of Stephen Shaughnessy. Some topics, however, we cannot address directly unless we wish to be imprisoned, and while we are willing to go to that length for certain causes, others...well, let us say that we shall leave it to others to take up those banners. Other questions appear promising, but then contain references to events that have us baffled--female leaders being elected by popular vote? Where is this? While the Women's Free Press would be delighted to find that such a thing is true, alas, even in these modern years of 1882, it does not appear to be the case. Thank you for your consideration on these matters, and by all means, if you have a question to ask, Ask a Man. http://ask-a-man.tumblr.com/ask Sincerely, Frederica Marshall-Clark, ed.

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, Please help me to deal with the men who incessantly explain everything to me. In the past fortnight I have been subjected to long and unsolicited explanations of how gaslights, steam engines and the telegraph function. Worse yet, I am well enough aware of modern science to know that many of these explanations are wrong. How can I put off the next man who assails my sense and sensibilities so? - Considering Earmuffs in August

Dear Earmuffs,

There is, alas, no way to accomplish your objective. The man who wishes to lecture you on a subject you already understand will lecture you no matter what you do. If you protest strenuously, he will assume you an ignoramus for ignoring his maleness, and he will speak all the more loudly and at length. If you fall silent, he will take your lack of speech as consent to hear more, and will go on and on. Short of coshing him over the head—an activity which, while temporarily satisfying, may have lengthier repercussions—I have no suggestions.

This sort of ordeal is only unbearable because you have no control over it. It is like an avalanche: it starts on high, and by the time it reaches your position, you are buried under it. But while you cannot stop it, you can control it—and I suspect that I am about to give a great many women an occupation for dinner parties for years to come.

Change your objective. Instead of wanting to put him off, draw him out. The more incorrect his statements, the more false praise you must heap upon his head.

"What is this? I did not know that the telegraph was based on scarcely perceptible sounds. Please tell me more! What would these noises sound like? Can you repeat them? Can you repeat them louder?"

Men who insist on knowing everything about everything cannot fail to answer such a question. The more ridiculous a man is, the more you should draw him out—and the more he will hang himself, as you quietly, sweetly hand him the rope.

Meet the eye of the other women around the table and share a quiet laugh with them. Award each other points for every ridiculous statement a man makes. When you reach ten, throw a party and do not invite any men.

Sincerely yours, Stephen Shaughnessy Imperturbably Male

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, For a number of years now I've entertained the notion of becoming a writer. I believe I would be well suited to writing columns for a newspaper, or even perhaps novels. However, I haven't received much support from my family. They believe it's much too risky and would rather I find a "real" job that pays the bills. I also fear that that my writing will not be taken seriously because I'm a woman. Should I strive to overcome these obstacles or heed my parents' advice?

Dear Obstacles,

This is a very curious letter for me to answer. Of course, as a Man, I am qualified to answer any question posed to me, no matter how little I know about it.

But I am also a writer of both a newspaper column (this one) and, now, three nationally-renowned (and deliciously infamous) novels. (I did attempt to insert a little mention of the fourth, soon to be published, but my editrix, curse her pen, removed it as “crass, overt merchandising.” I shake my fist at her! See the toils that assail the modern writer!) I am therefore actually qualified to answer your question. What an odd sensation. It almost makes me think that we should require Men to have actual qualifications before spouting off advice…

No, no. Ridiculous. Let us continue.

The wages that you might draw from the writing profession, if you are extremely lucky, will support you extremely well. If you are exceptionally lucky, you can even become quite wealthy, assuming you don’t squander your funds on fine horses and footmen.

Alas. If you have only above-average luck, you will live in a squalid boarding house and eat stale bread. If you have average luck or worse, you will perish on the streets, gibbering to all passers-by about conflict and dangling participles. Writing, and particularly novel-writing, is not a job for those who require luxuries such as “meals” and “shelter.”

The question that you must ask yourself is this: Do you have what it takes to be exceptionally lucky?

1. Are you willing to work long hours with little compensation in the beginning? 2. Have you perfected your craft to the best of your ability and tested your work on friends you trust to tell you the truth? 3. Do you have a store of funds to support you when business is bad, or, failing that, an indulgent family? 4. Are you a man? 5. Are you white?

These, so far as I can tell, are the primary elements of luck. Not all are necessary. Occasionally, some man who scarcely lifts a finger manages to make a success of himself at writing—or some man from a poor family manages to make it as a writer—or some wealthy, hard-working woman bursts onto the scene. If we did not have such aberrant successes, why, we would have no pretense to meritocracy in our literary world.

But if you’re poor, female, and Indian, you might as well give up on luck and learn to take shorthand. You will still be paid less than a man, but at least in the secretarial pool, your gender will only reduce your wages by a mere fifty percent.

Bemusedly Qualified, Stephen Shaughnessy Lucky by virtue of being a Man

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, Do you think men should be in the room during the birth of their child?

Dear heavens, no. What a terrible thought.

Men have gone through all the trouble of labeling women the “weaker” sex and the “gentler” sex. You would see through our condescension in an instant when our knees grew weak and we collapsed in a dead faint at the first sign of blood. We would much rather stay outside and fortify ourselves with brandy, thank you.

A small number of men (and I include myself in that group) have enough experience with livestock that we might acquit ourselves creditably in the birthing chamber—but doing so would expose the foibles of our fellow man. We must choose between comforting and supporting our wives in a time of dire need and keeping the male conceit intact. Obviously, the latter is more important.

Yours truly, Stephen Shaughnessy Protector of Men

[ask-a-man]

Dear Man, Sometimes when I'm walking down the street and my face happens to be in repose, men will request or, in extreme cases, order me to smile. Why is this? Should I oblige them? Yours, &c., A Woman With A Naturally Solemn Face

Dear Naturally Solemn,

We all know that it is impossible that you could be thinking of something other than the man before you as you walk down the street. Why would a female think of the household budget or the book she is reading or whether she is likely to be sacked for knocking over the coal scuttle, when she could be thinking about a Man instead?

No; your failure to smile must be a personal judgment. For shame, Naturally Solemn. If you do not smile, men will believe that they are not the center of your universe. Only a heartless jade would send that message.

Now, I recognize that smiling at random men on the street will no doubt open women to all sorts of advances from unscrupulous fellows who mistake their pleasantries for interest. But that is what women get for smiling at all men willy-nilly. Shameless hussies!

I hope I have clarified why men order you to smile. How else are we to teach you that you cannot win?

Sincerely, Stephen Shaughnessy Male Center of the Universe