Middle-Earth’s only responsible adult

Ask Blog for The Witch-King of Angmar You can’t spell “cringe” without “ring”

[askangmar]

Witchy baby pls. What color should I dye my hair?

Hello, anon!

I don’t know but honestly I just get strong purple/violet vibes from you, so I will recommend that. I suggest having a professional do it for you, since all but those with the fairest hair will have to lighten it chemically and that is tricky. However you did not ask for advice on how to colour your hair, only what colour to make it.

The Witch-king has a fondness for Manic Panic’s Ultraviolet and Pravana Vivid Violet.

Having the ability to appear and disappear, and wearing a cowl, and most importantly being an immortal unliving sorcerer, I am fortunate that my hair is always a nonissue.

I hope this helps!

Angmar

[askangmar]

You can’t spell “cringe” without “ring” so get some advice from everyone’s favorite Cringewraith

[askangmar]

I thought it was your master who put the romance in necromancer?

Hello, Anon.

My rule is that if you are a necromancer, you can use that joke. So technically, I suppose we both put the romance in necromancer.

Platonically,

Angmar

[askangmar]

What is your favorite method of getting revenge? Asking for... a friend

Hello, Anon.

I’m sure you’re expecting something gruesome or sketchy or evil. But my favorite method of revenge is to live (or, in my own case, un-live?) well, be true to yourself, and give no fucks whatsoever about those who would seek to cut me down. They are worth no energy of mine and should be worth no energy of yours your friend’s.

People will fuck up their own lives and you wanna be able to pettily watch that shit from afar.

Avenging myself by being cooler than my enemies since the mid-second age,

Angmar

[askangmar]

Thoughts on Galadriel?

Greetings!

I think Lady Galadriel is a reasonable and wise ruler who could have been a great ally if only Mr Baggins (the younger) would have been more insistent with his gift of the Ring. You know what they say… If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

However… since she decided to go into the west and remain Galadriel, Isuggest we could perhaps sway Beyoncé, who is definitely already a Queen.

Food for thought,

Angmar

[askangmar]

Angmar is better than Anor. Thank for building the coolest kingdom on the north

Hello, Anon.

Thank YOU for supporting the great and noble kingdom of Angmar!

Keep being awesome,

Angmar

[askangmar]

How do I bake a cake?

Hello Anonymous,

I suggest you use a cake pan and an oven.

My favorite cake recipe follows.

The Witch-King’s Kahlua Chocolate Cake

1 package Devils Food Cake

1 package jello instant chocolate pudding (4oz or 5.5oz)

4 eggs

3/4 cup Kahlua liqueur

1/2 cup water

1/2 cup vegetable oil

Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C

Prepare a Bundt pan of your choosing (lightly spray a nonstick pan with oil or cooking spray—I use a coconut oil aerosol—or grease and lightly flour pans that are not nonstick)

Wait for the oven to come up to the cooking temperature before you combine the ingredients; the texture is better if the batter does not sit out

Combine all ingredients in a bowl, and beat on medium about 2 min (stand/electric mixer) or with a mixing spoon by hand about 3-5min, until smooth

Pour batter into Bundt pan and tap sides gently to level

Immediately put cake into oven

Bake 55 min

Let cool in pan for 25 minutes then invert onto cake plate or other serving item

Sprinkle with confectioner’s sugar & serve to your friends and enemies

Enjoy,

The Witch-King

[askangmar]

Get highly coveted advice and answers from the Nazgûl who puts the “Romance” in “Necromancer”

[askangmar]

ಠ_ಠ

[saurons-advice]

What was all this about you and Angmar in a steam sauana? 😏

Uhhhhhh….Angmar you wanna take this one?

[askangmar]

Sounds like people are curious about getting steamed and more

[saurons-advice]

They’re free to join us

[askangmar]

It’s very relaxing

[saurons-advice]

What was all this about you and Angmar in a steam sauana? 😏

Uhhhhhh….Angmar you wanna take this one?

[askangmar]

Sounds like people are curious about getting steamed and more

[saurons-advice]

You and Angmar KISS. NOW

Im too sad to make out :(

[askangmar]

Wait, nobody told me about this

[saurons-advice]

You wanna make out or something then?

[askangmar]

Don’t see why not, I’m not doing anything else right now.

*opens door to what is clearly a shed*

Step into my office

I got this, anon

[saurons-advice]

You and Angmar KISS. NOW

Im too sad to make out :(

[askangmar]

Wait, nobody told me about this

[saurons-advice]

Hmm. Weird that consensual nazgul sex would be the thing people get hung up on about you.

People get hung up on a lot of things with me, I guess it’s just my nature. Feel free to ask me other questions though!

[askangmar]

What’s that modern saying?

“I’ve never seen a ring plug a hole”

It’s like that , but... Er... wait.

I’ve never seen a ring unplug a hole.

[askangmar]

How do you feel about the return of eru?

Hello, Anon!

I am feeling pretty good about it, surprisingly enough. He seems like a cool guy, though I admittedly haven’t spent much time thinking about it. Time will tell!

Love,

Angmar

[elrohirussy]

Are you adopted?

piece of shit greyface, what the fuck kind of question is that? are you hinting something, uh? you wanna catch these hands?! MY BOYFRIEND WILL BOIL YOU ALIVE

[earendilionimladris]

Unfortunately, he spawned from my loins.

Elrohir, don’t make me get the soap.

[elrohirussy]

Eat shit and die crying, old man

[earendilionimladris]

I fucked your mother

[elrohirussy]

Good for you, I guess??? What kinda shitty statement is that, we are RELATED for a REASON

[ask-maedhros]

Elrond! Elrohir! Stop this! I raised you better than this!

[elrohirussy]

What do you want, grandpa? He says he fucked my mother, i just told him i know??

[ask-maedhros]

Just stop fighting and misbehaving. And PLEASE break up with Sauron. He’s no good for you. You know your father and I fought WARS to keep that bastard in check, and now you’re off fucking him? Really?

[saurons-advice]

im worth it

[askangmar]

I was going to ask if you were seeing this, @saurons-advice, but you’re already here to watch the elf fight.

[ask-thingol]

There’s so much sexual tension here. I love it. 

[elrohirussy]

You repulse me more every breath you take.

[ask-thingol]

I just think you two would be less angry at each other if you had some intimate relations! It works well, trust me. 

[elrohirussy]

Please, deepthroat a sword and impale yourself like the cockroach you are.

[ask-thingol]

You’d be less cranky if you engaged in some good father-son bonding!

[elrohirussy]

…I don’t want to know the fuck you did with your daughter. Show yourself down a volcano

[ask-thingol]

I kept my beautiful daughter in check, that’s what

[elrohirussy]

Oh Eru you fucked her, didn’t you? Oh shit oh fuck @saurons-advice can we burn him?

[ask-thingol]

Yeah, so what if I did? No one else is worthy of indulging in her beauty. 

[elrohirussy]

@earendilionimladris @ask-maedhros @askfingonthevaliant yo can we kill thingol?

[earendilionimladris]

… Yule came early, here’s a new longbow and arrows.

[elrohirussy]

Let’s HUNT a BITCH

[earendilionimladris]

Did you know, we have conveniently run out of healing supplies, and thus I can no longer save anyone from any mysterious arrow wounds. And all resources that come in must be prioritised for the Imladrim, so I especially cannot responsibly heal a foreign king.

[elrohirussy]

Do we have sufficient supplies of oil to burn that mintsucker gingerfucker feetlicker poor excuse of an elf?

[ask-thingol]

Can you guys just chill?????

[askfingonthevaliant]

@ask-thingol Didn’t you ban the use of my language and send your daughter’s boyfriend on a suicide mission and murder refugees? What is this “chill” you speak of? Pot? Kettle? 

[ask-thingol]

All those things were necessary to rule a country

[askangmar]

[ask-eru-lluvatar]

…What the fuck did I wake up too… @askangmar pass the popcorn…

[askangmar]

🍿

This is prime incomprehensible elf drama, that’s all I know. I’m here for it.

[ask-eru-lluvatar]

@saurons-advice we need to talk about messing with my creations…

[saurons-advice]

What do you mean?

[ask-eru-lluvatar]

Your wraiths… that’s not natural nor is it planned…

[saurons-advice]

Excuse you, my wraiths are all natural and organic

[ask-eru-lluvatar]

They’re see through… I didn’t make my second born see through… and they screech… organic and natural means it was created and ordained by me… these twisted things aren’t either…

[askangmar]

[saurons-advice]

You need to stop calling my precious nazgul freaks of nature, Eru. It’s RUDE.

[askangmar]

It’s not entirely inaccurate, though I prefer to consider myself an example for mortals of how to seize upon an opportunity when the chance to do so presents itself.

The bigger the risk, there bigger the reward, right?

[saurons-advice]

Angmar is right. My nazgul dont revolte against nature, they live it to the fullest.

[askangmar]

Indeed.

Clearly I’m doing something right, given that I’m here sipping mimosas in the Undying Lands and have not caused any trouble or had so much responsibility that I wanted to eat my own morgul blade ever since my legendary record setting run of not getting killed was ended.

It should go without saying that I am a reasonable nazgûl and despite the on over for a mimosa any time @ask-eru-lluvatar

[ask-eru-lluvatar]

…this one can stay…noones ever offered me anything ever… just keep on asking and asking for more and more… this is nice change of events… I like this one

[askangmar]

Given that it is the least I can possibly do to show my appreciation for LITERAL EXISTENCE, it’s unfortunate to hear that.

I always try to be a polite and friendly new neighbor, given that I am also a creepy immortal sorcerer who lived in a terrifying hospitable fortress, but invite the neighbors a few times and somehow “creepy undead necromancer” becomes ”quirky eccentric”.

As I always say, why make enemies if you can make cocktails?

[ask-thingol]

can i have a mimosa

[ask-eru-lluvatar]

…sure… you were always one of my favorites…

@askangmar let’s have a party friend…

[askangmar]

As long as @ask-thingol passes out in someone else’s yard this time I can’t see anything that could possibly go wrong with this idea.

Time for Nazgûl Brunch Club, Valinor Edition 🥰🔥🍾🍹🥂