Hi, Iām Ben, Nice to Meet You (2025 novel)
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What UP Iām Ben! Yes, my parents were Rebellion heroes. Yes, my uncle is the last Jedi Knight. Meā¦Iām just tryāna make it through my twenties without succumbing to total cosmic darkness. Just kidding. Maybe.
I do still answer asks! I just donāt get many nowadays, so a lot of this blog is me sittinā on my butt and flappinā my mouth. Often while Iām working at Momās office. Donāt tell.
I think you did the right thing, Ben. Even if it did open up all these other, uhā¦boxes. Thatās never something to joke around with. And judging by your to-do list, it sounds like Fannie is open to therapy finally? (COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF)
Curious what you could possibly have to share that would make it us all go āyay wedding full steam aheadā though. Besides just getting her citizenship and health insurance. I meanā¦you did just have her hospitalized dude. Usually people are having bachelor/bachelorette parties around this time. Not spending all night in the Space ER.
I do want to ask, how much is your family willing to help you with all the money stuff? I know they care about you a lot. I have a hard time believing theyād just let you go broke.
Thanks, yeahā¦that really means a lot to me. Fannie says she never would have gone through with it, and maybe she wouldnāt haveā¦but I wasnāt gonna take that chance.
And yeahāshe did finally agree to start talking with someone. Which I was also relieved by at first, butā¦wellā¦I can tell you more about that later.
Soā¦hereās the thing. Youāre probably not gonna be on board with the wedding, no matter what I say. Even if I tell you how much better sheās seemed since getting out of the medcenter, and how much more committed sheās been to her mental health and the health of our relationship.
But I donāt care what anyone else thinks. Itās my call to make, and Iām making it. Weddingās back on.
Fannie didnāt force me to prove anything before moving forward with me, so Iām putting my faith in what she says and moving forward with her. She says sheās had a change of heart; she looks to me like sheās doing betterāIām going with my gut on this. Yes, there are some logistical factors at play, all the stupid adulting stuff that will go a lot smoother if weāre marriedābut I donāt think that factoring those into my decision means my decision is automatically wrong.
Whichā¦actually ties in perfectly with your question about my family.
Soā¦youāre right. My parents have my back. They would never let me end up homeless or starving. Iām not worried about that.
What I am worried about is becoming entirely financially dependent on them. āCause then I wouldnāt be able to go anywhere or do anything without their approval. And one thing they already donāt approve ofāand yes, I know, hardly anybody doesāis the wedding.
I had told my mom last week about possibly postponing the wedding. Mom was very relieved about that. Extremely relieved. Which meant that sheās been feeling iffy about it for a while, and was simply holding her tongue. (Holding her tongue when she has opinions about my life? Character growth.)
But her tongue was held no longer when I brought Fannie home from the medcenter, and announced, actually, weāre all good now and the weddingās still on.
My mother is a politician. Two days after I brought Fannie home, I received this offer:
Cancel the wedding, and Mom will eat all costs incurred by Fannieās little law-enforcement-defiance-and-hospitalization adventure. Plus pay into the wedding budget a second time, when weāre actually āreadyā to get married, effectively ameliorating all my sunk wedding costs.
Orā¦
Donāt cancel the wedding. And Ben and Fannie get to pay for everything themselves, and probably have to live with Benās mom and dad forever.
I canāt help but respect a strong negotiation. She put me in a corner, all right.
And I hate being put in a corner. So guess which option Iām going with.
Yes, I know. I know I sound insane for picking Option #2. I know I will not be able to give Fannie the kind of life we might have wanted, to have a place of our own and nice things and an open horizon for the future.
Butā¦think about it. Option #1 basically means my mom gets to decide when me and my wife are ready to be married.
My mom.
My mom has been trying to control my life ever since I came out of the womb. First it was the Jedi school thing. Seventeen years of her trying to ship me off to the Jedi school, and she only backed off of that after I had my own little hospitalization adventure. Then it was the opposite. Then she didnāt want me to leave home. She didnāt want me to go away to college; she wanted me to stay at home with herāI spent the next four years on Naboo calling her every dayāSHE WANTED ME TO CALL HER EVERY DAYāand trying to prove to her I was an adultāand then freaking You-Know-Who came back, as if ONLY to screw with me, and when Mom found out about that, she forced me to quit my jobāQUIT MY WRITING JOB I STUDIED JOURNALISM I LITERALLY FORGET I HAVE A JOURNALISM DEGREE BECAUSE IT IS NOT BEING USED AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE USED AGAIN I WORK AN ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION THAT I ONLY HAVE BECAUSE MY MOTHER PITY-HIRED ME SO YEAH MY MOM IS IN CHARGE OF MY CAREER TOOāand move back home and not only that, she had me sleeping in my parentsā room at age twenty-fourāwouldnāt let me drive the speederāmade me come to work with her every day when I was still unemployedāpoliced my medication adherenceāprobably wouldāve put me back in kriffing diapers if she couldāveāAND LET US NOT FORGET WHEN I TOLD HER FANNIE AND I MIGHT RAISE PENNIEāS BABY TOGETHER LAST SUMMER SHE JUST WOULDNāT SHUT UP ABOUT HOW I WAS TOOOO YOOOUUUNG EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS YOUNGER THAN ME WHEN SHE HAD ME SO I GUESS I SHOULDNāT EVEN BE SURPRISEDāGEEZ LOUISE THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE DIDNāT GIVE ME HELL FOR PROPOSING TO FANNIE IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS āCAUSE SHE WAS SOOOOOO RELIEVED IT WASNāT PENNIE WHEN I TOLD HER (the G-rated version of) WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND PENNIE. NOW THAT I THINK OF IT YEAH THATāS THE ONLY REASON SHEāS HELD HER TONGUE UP UNTIL NOW
ā¦Sorry. Got real riled up there.
But surely you can SEE. Why now that Iām GETTING MARRIED. I do NOT want her to have her hands in this at ALL.
āBut Ben what if you just cancel the wedding and then elopeāā That would be breaking the deal and Mom wouldnāt pay for anything.
āBut Ben what if you just cancel the wedding and then elope and donāt tell your momāā First of all, I learned my lesson and I donāt lie to my family anymore, not even when Iām having issues with my mom. Second of all, I am over emulating my grandfather we are not doing the secret marriage thing.
āBut Ben what if you do just cancel the wedding and accept her deal it really seems like the better option for your future and you and Fannie probably could use more time anywaysā OH SO YOUāRE JUST ON HER SIDE YOUāRE JUST ON HER SIDE WELL EVEN IF I WAS GONNA CANCEL THE WEDDING I SURE WOULDNāT WANNA DO IT āCAUSE MY MOM WAS HOLDING MONEY OVER MY HEAD LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME
ā¦Sorry. If you couldnāt tell, I have a lot of feelings about this.
And to make it even worse, Dad is on Momās side. āCause he has to be.
Ughā¦I havenāt explained any of this to Fannie yet. I havenāt even gotten to explaining to her the financial situation at all. Iām scared itāll make her feel really bad. I know how bad I felt when I learned how much all my medical stuff cost.
Butā¦itās like I told you. I wasnāt gonna take that chance. End of story.
I did get Greer to approve my time off so I can stay with Fannie for the rest of the week, butā¦Iām outta sick leave, so I have to take it unpaid. Which definitely doesnāt give me even more money anxiety.
Anywayā¦I may not post much this week. I really just wanna focus on being there for my wife.
Well that was a fricking rollercoaster. Just double checking, everyone is alive, safe, home, and not on the verge of suicide?
Youāre tellinā me. Yeah, everyone is safe now, and thanks for askingā¦but the ride sure aināt over yet. The brain dump page in my notebook is insane:
Fan - find therapist - Twiālek culture, understanding of Jedi beliefs - coupleās counseling?
Medcenter bills - be prepared to see a lot of zeroes. Ask Mom and Dad if I can take out a loan (I will be paying them back literally until they die)
Work - request sick leave to take care of Fan for a few days - ugh, I already took time off for Coruscant, Greer will hate me
How much to tell Fan about money stuff? Donāt want to make her feel guilty - wedding, therapy, mandatory medcenter adventure, follow-up visits, bail for little miss misdemeanor, legal counsel, fines(?)
How to explain to Fan she has to appear in court for chopping off robocopās arm
Logistical benefits of July wedding: help w/ her naturalization process/help her not get deported - qualifying event to get her on health insurance, wouldnāt cover past stuff but could help with paying for future therapy/treatment - lowkey not gonna be able to afford another wedding after this
Amalia - move to Coruscant - canāt afford anymore :( unless Mal doesnāt charge rent
Fan - open to going back to work? But she doesnāt have normal education credentials or job experience
Convince Connie and Ginnie to attend wedding? Get contact through Mikal (check how heās doing havenāt talked in forever)
Fan - set aside time to talk about Pennie (I wish sheād just talked about it earlier this is not what we should be spending our time on anymore)
Fan - open to meds? I doubt it
Social worker visits - explain to Fan - help her not freak out if they come to the house while Iām at work
Lightsaber - ask Uncle Luke - how to get it back from the police - Jedi mind tricks unethical?
Write post about convo w/ Fan so my friends donāt think Iām insane for going through w/ the wedding
Convince self I am not insane for going through w/ the wedding
Fan - plan some Regular Normal Bonding Time where I will NOT bring up any legal/financial/medical/wedding planning/unresolved Pennie stuff
05.31.31 - i guess you could say it didnāt go quite as well as it couldāve
Sorry. I wrote this yesterday and meant to post it earlier, but Iāveā¦uhā¦had a lot going on.
The main thing you need to know is that, at 10:15 PM on Friday, May 29th, 31 ABY, I called the cops on Fannie Pentarra.
How did that happen?
Donāt worry. Iāll explain.
Didnāt have anything better to do while I was waiting for her to get discharged.
ā
So, on Friday, my plan had been to wait till after dinner to talk to her. One reason for that was, wellā¦I was terrified and wanted to procrastinate a little. A second reason was that I wanted a little time with her beforehand, so I could assess how she was doing and figure out how to approach the conversation. The third reason was that I was starving. I hadnāt eaten all day ācause Iād been too nervous to eat, which is all fun and great till your knees are wobbling as you walk up to your house and you feel like youāre about to keel overāin fact I had already caved and eaten one of the chocolates I was bringing home for Fannie.
When Fan had moved in with us at the beginning of the year, she had assumed the responsibility of making dinner for my family. Unlike me, she never struggled to complete this taskāno matter how long she spent in bedāand dinner was always hot and ready and delicious at 6 PM (though as the months went on, Fannie herself was not always guaranteed to be present).
She was not present at dinner that night. Usually, I would go up and check on her, and sometimes I would convince her to come back down and sit at the table. Sometimes I would bring up a plate of food for her, but I eventually stopped doing that ācause she would always say she had eaten while cooking. And as much as it concerned me that she had started only eating in privateā¦well, she was clearly telling the truth, and I was glad she was eating rather than not.
I should have checked up on her, probably. It would have aligned with Reason #2āassessing her mood so I could figure out what to sayābut unfortunately, Reason #1 (procrastination) was very compelling and Reason #3 (hunger) even moreso at that point, so I sat down at the table with my family and ate dinner with them. They had been waiting on me, anywayāI had walked home instead of taking the airbus like usual.
Ohāhold on. Amaliaās calling me. Iād better pick upāI still havenāt really explained to her what happened. Apparently Fannie designated Amalia as an emergency contact instead of me, because she was afraid I wouldnāt want to come to the medcenter for her. Whichā¦would normally make me feel terrible, but I can see how being apprehended by the police and forcibly put in a hospital bed might make her think I was out to get her.
ā
Okay, Iām back. I tried to tell Amalia everything is under wraps, but I donāt think sheās fully convinced. She also told me I seemed really weird and checked out. Whaaat? Pshhh Iām totally fine. Anyway.
I finished dinner, and then I helped my dad clear the dishes. My dad may not be Force-sensitive, but heās gotten to be pretty attuned to me, even if he doesnāt always understand me fully or have all the words to say. He kept looking at me as he washed and I dried, and he glanced backward at the bouquet of flowers and the box of chocolates and the card Iād left on the Solo Family Table For Random Stuff near the front door. And he observed the expression on my face, which probably looked like I was about to be strapped down and subjected to a probe droid, and I think he knew at that point my gifts werenāt just me trying to be sweet.
Dad turned off the water and dried his hands on his pants, even though there was a towel right there. (I do that too; use my clothes as towels and tissuesāalways drove Fannie nuts back when she was well enough to care.) He didnāt say anything, but he took the plate and the dishrag from my hands, and set them down on the counter, and wrapped me in a hug.
It used to be that when he held me, my face would be buried in the folds of his shirt, and I would take in the scent of mechanical grease and human muskiness and really cheap old man body spray, and feel surrounded by himālike my dad could protect me from anything. Now I was twenty-five-and-a-half, and my chin fit over his shoulder, and he didnāt engulf me like he used to.
But it still meant the world to me, and I hugged him back, surprised by the gesture.
āListen, kid, Iām proud of you,ā he said softly, just next to my right ear. āItās all gonna work out in the end.ā
I really hoped it would.
I really hope it does.
Oh, hold on a second, I gotta go againāthey just told me I could see her finally. I havenāt seen her since she, wellā¦jumped out the window, so itās kind of important.
Sorry. I havenāt gotten to that part yet, have I?
Well, Iāll get to it eventually. Be right back.
ā
Okay, Iām back now. It took a little longer than expected, ācause after I visited Fan, the police station commed me right after. They had a lot of questions about the, uhā¦the lightsaber. I guess they donāt see a lot of ancient magic laser swords.
Fannieās okay. The problem is sheās new to the involuntary hospitalization game, and doesnāt know you kinda need to lie a little sometimes in order to get released.
āI thought you were upset at me for not being honest,ā she said, scratching anxiously at her wristband ID like an animal in captivity.
āYeahāI want you to be honest with me,ā I told her. āI donāt mind you making the truth a little more palatable to healthcare workers. They canāt release you till you answer all their questions the right way.ā
āBut I told them: even though I may wish I were dead, Iām not going toā¦ā
āFannie, all they hear is the āwish I were deadā part. They are waiting for you to not say that. I get what you meanābetter than anyone, believe meābut they canāt let you go till you stop saying that. Itās protocol.ā
I didnāt tell her the part about how it costs money to be hospitalized. Or how it costs more the longer you stay. Or the part about how sheās not named on my health insurance since weāre not married, and also sheās not eligible for any government-assisted programs since sheās not a New Republic citizen. All of that is for me to deal with later. Iām trying not to think about it.
Butāback to my story, with me and my dad in the kitchen.
āListen, kid, Iām proud of you,ā Dad said, holding me tight. āItās all gonna work out in the end.ā
āI hope so,ā I whispered. āI really hope so.ā
I got my flowers and my chocolates and my card from the Random Stuff Table, and headed upstairs to find Fannie. I figured she was probably in my room, which was where I could usually find her, and usually Iād find her in bed.
I did find her in my room. But she wasnāt in my bed. This was also not yet the point at which she had jumped out the window. She was backed up against the corner beneath my desk, hugging her knees to her chest, drawing in deep, gasping breaths and staring up at me in fear.
I had been panicking out of my mind going into this interaction. But when I saw her she looked so frightened, it scared my own fear right out of me.
āFannie, whatās wrong?ā I asked, dropping everything and getting down on the ground in front of her.
She shook her head, tears streaming down her face.
āAre you sick?ā I asked.
She shook her head again and managed to breathe out a few rasping words. āDonāt leave me,ā she said. āDonāt leave.ā
It hit me like a sonic shock: the memory of Pennie tucked into the corner, just like Fannie was nowāPennieās arms folded around her round belly and over her knees as I had entered the room.
Ben Soloā¦you came back for meā¦I feared you would not returnā¦
āDonāt leave,ā Fannie wept again, bringing me back to the present. āDonāt leave, donāt leave, donāt leave!ā
āHeyā¦Iām not leaving,ā I said softly, reaching out and rubbing her shoulders, but she recoiled from my touch as if it stung. āWho said I was leaving?ā
āYou did,ā she sobbed. āYou want to cancel the wedding. I know you do.ā
Well, I wasnāt gonna concern myself with how sheād found that out. Iād been agonizing within an inch of my life over how I was ever gonna manage to start the conversation, and sheād just given me the perfect in.
āOh, uhā¦yā¦well, yeah, actually, Iāve been thinking about it,ā I said, sounding sort of relieved, because now it was finally all out in the openāalthough, looking back, I can see how my relief could have been misinterpreted. āIā¦Iāve kind of felt this week like weāve been drifting apart.ā
Fannieās eyes filled with shock, as if I had charged her with a sordid crime rather than given her a gentle and honest appraisal of our relationship. Which for some reason struck me as the perfect moment to go, āOhāI got these for you,ā and drop the flowers and the chocolates and the card in her lap.
She stared down at them, then stared up at me.
āIāIāIāll do better, Ben, I promise,ā she said desperately. āI can do better, pleaseāI canāI can try harder to be a better partner to youāI canātry to engage more with your friends and familyāI can smile moreāact happierāā
āFannie, listen to me, thatāsā¦thatās the problem,ā I told her, grasping one of her hands as her other started going for the lid on the box of chocolates. āI feel like youāve been hiding things from me. Is that true?ā
Without taking her eyes off me, she took one of the bonbons and threw it back like a shot of whiskey. āI have been trying my best to keep everything peaceful between us,ā she said through a mouthful of chocolate. āI can try harderāā
āFannie, the wedding is six weeks awayāā
āYes, yes, we are so close, dear; if you would just hold on a little longerāā
āFan, the wedding isnāt some sort of finish line. Itās the opposite,ā I said. āOnce we get married, weāll be facing the rest of our lives together. Whatever issues weāve got now are still gonna be there after the party. Do you really think getting married is gonna somehow make things magically different?ā
āOf course being married will make things different.ā
āDifferent how?ā
āWellāwe will share our bed, and we will shehhdhbfbbnn. Nfnd
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,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ā¦.,āmmm
zzz nnn..,,,.,,,,,ā¦ā¦maclunkey
ā¦ā¦..
ā¦
ā¦What the heck.
What the hell did I type.
Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry. I guess I straight-up fell asleep in the middle of writing. Saw the word ābedā on the screen and absolutely conked out. Yeah, sorry, I never actually went to bedāIāve been at the medcenter all night, ever since they brought her here.
ā¦Anyway.
āWe will share our bed,ā Fannie said, āand share a home, and we will belong to one anotherā
āFan, we already share a home. Granted, we share it with my familyābut even after we get married we wonāt be able to afford living on our own. And we already belong to each other. Thatās what your engagement ring means.ā
āā¦But we donāt yet share our bed.ā
She said it in earnest. She really did. I looked at her closely.
āFannie,ā I said quietly. āDo you really think having sex is going to fix us?ā
She stared back at me, and I could tell the answer was maybe sort of yes.
The thing you have to understand about Fannie is that she believes so strongly in the immaterial. Nothing is ever just itself to her; everything has something under it and beneath it and through it. Everything holds meaning to her, and many things hold sort of a mystical power. It didnāt surprise me at all that she believed there was something supernatural about sex, some bonding of the souls beyond mere physical contact. Sheās just like that, and even though I donāt always believe in everything she does, I can usually appreciate the poetry in them. But even if she was right, it wasnāt enough.
āā¦Do you really think getting married will fix us?ā I asked again, more softly.
Fannie was quiet for a long time.
āā¦All I know, Ben, is Iām going to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter what,ā she said.
āNo matter if you even still like me or not?ā I challenged.
I expected her to protest. I was shocked when she didnāt.
āYes,ā she said unflinchingly. āNo matter if I even still like you or not.ā
I blinked, stunned. I had not anticipated such brutal honesty from the woman who had just spent the entire last week (and who knows how long before that) hiding her feelings from me.
āFan,ā I whispered, hurt. āThatāsā¦thatās not what I want.ā
āIsnāt that what marriage is?ā she asked, looking at me. āA commitment to one another, through good times and bad?ā
āWellā¦yeahā¦butā¦I still want you to like me,ā I told her, desperately searching her eyes for any sign of warmth. āIn fact, I want you to like me way more than I want you to marry me.ā
āBut I do like you,ā she insisted.
āSure, butā¦be honestā¦are there times when youā¦hate me?ā
Fannie didnāt speak. She only stared at me in silence.
Whichā¦meant there was a āyesā in there somewhere she just wasnāt willing to say.
So she really did hate me. At least in some capacity. The nightmare was real. I couldnāt take it. I tore myself away from her and began to rise and immediately bumped my head on the underside of the table.
āOw! Son of aāā
I stumbled to my feet and I tried to get my balance by grabbing the ledge of the open window, but accidentally stuck my hand out too far, and slipped a little before catching myself.
My bedroom window was missing a screen. That was because last October, when I was feeling reckless, I had removed it to climb onto the roof. The screen had fallen outward over the side of the house, and I had never put it back.
I think you can see where this is going.
Ugh, wait, now my mom is calling. Sorryā¦I really have to take this too. Seeā¦Fannie is kind ofā¦sort ofā¦guilty of assaulting a police officer.
ā¦Yeah.
It was a police droid, mind you. But itās still a planetary offense. Itās less of a crime than it is to assault an organic officerāthough the droidās rights groups are lobbying to change thatābut itās stillā¦notā¦great. Anyway, Mom and I are scrambling right now because a) weāre trying to keep this from making headlines for the sake of our familyās privacy, and b) this could potentially impact Fannieās ability to apply for New Republic citizenship or even cause her visa to be retracted, in which case theyād send her back to Ryloth only she doesnāt have anywhere to live on Ryloth because her father banished her from her homeāanyway let me just call my mom and then Iāll be right back and oh by the way if I seem extremely casual about all this itās because Iām dissociating harder than I have ever dissociated before and you know what maybe Amalia was right after all maybe I am super checked out. Oh, hey, theyāre playing Max Rebo in the waiting area!
ā
Okay, NOW Iām back.
So, to recap: I got up from under the desk and hit my head and caught myself on the window ledge (the window that was missing its screen, remember) and Fannie came crawling out from under the desk after me.
āNo, no, Ben, I donāt hate you,ā Fannie said, looking terrified. āPlease, Ben, pleaseāā
āThen why did you hesitate?ā I demanded, rubbing my head, though my head wasnāt the thing that hurt most. āThere is a part of you that hates me, isnāt there? You never really forgave me for what I did. Youāre still mad at me, even though I gave you so many chances to talk about it and I asked you so many times if things were really okay. Yeah, what I did was bad, but at this point, things are kind of your fault. I gave you every opportunity to talk it out with me, I really did, but you just held it in and lied to my face and I know youāve been talking about me behind my back to all my friends and nowāwhat? Youāre only marrying me so I can be, like, your sperm donor or whateverāā
āHow dare you say that!ā she cried. āI have never once brought it up again after I forgave you for it, so how can you possibly say Iām still holding it against you?!ā
āFannie, I donāt think you understand why Iām upset!ā I snapped. āThe fact that you never brought it up again is the problem!ā
āWhy would I bring it up again?! Youād only get upset if I did! Because I was supposed to have forgiven you, and believe me, I triedāit is not as if I lied to you on purpose and resolved to keep anger in my heart; it is simply that what you did was so dreadful it has tested the limits of my ability to forgiveābut how could I ever tell you that it still wounds me over and over again when I was supposed to have forgiven youāyouād be angry, youād be heartbrokenāI truly did my best to keep peace between usāā
She had switched from denial to defense. So everything I had suspected of her was true. My stomach turned.
āFannie,ā I said, interrupting her as I looked her right in the eyes. āI really donāt think I feel good about marrying you anymore.ā
Fannie fell silent. And then she went pale. I mean that all the blood drained out of her face, and she looked downright horrible. She looked like she was about to die.
Believe it or not, this was not the point at which she jumped out the window.
But it was the point at which she thrust out her hand and a shoebox came flying out from under my bed and her lightsaber hilt landed in her palm as she closed her fingers around it. (Itās also the point at which you say to me, āWow, Ben, you really thought a shoebox under the bed was the best place to hide a lethal weapon?ā)
āBen,ā she choked out, tears streaming down her face as her fist clenching the lightsaber shook, āplease donāt say that. If we donāt get married, Iā¦I donāt have anything else left. I have lost my family. I have lost the Force. I have lost myself. If I lose you too, I truly would be better off deadāI mean that; I really mean it.ā
Believe it or not, this was not the point at which I called the police.
āFannie, please, letāsā¦calm down,ā I said, looking nervously at the placement of her thumb, which was about two millimeters away from the saberās switch. āDonātā¦do anything sudden, letās justā¦ā
I took a step forward, and she backed up against the corner between my desk and the wall, gripping her saber, and I had a distinct memory of this other time something similar had happened.
Iāve been having doubts about us, I had told Pennie, back in December. You canāt leave me, Pennie had whimpered, backing into the corner and desperately grabbing a bottle of liquor by the neck. Sheād been nine months pregnant, and Iād thought she was about to drown her fully-gestated child in alcohol. Donāt do it, Iād begged, stepping slowly toward her. Pennie, please, donāt do it!
Aaand then Pennie had clocked me on the head and tied me to the bedpost. Charming woman, that one.
Of course, I didnāt think Fannie was about to do anything like thatā¦but it wasnāt me I was afraid she was going to hurt.
āFannie, please. I love you,ā I told her urgently. āI promise I want to stick with you to the very end. Thatās why I want you and me to be in a good place with each other, right? Isnāt that the most important thing?ā
Fannie nestled herself further into the corner as much as she could, her eyes like a frightened animalās.
āPlease donāt cancel the wedding,ā she whispered.
āYouā¦you do realize it wouldnāt be forever, donāt you?ā I said. āWe could justā¦yāknowā¦wait another couple years. We did rush into this. Iām willing to admit that now. We havenāt even ever been a couple for longer than six months. We could just wait a few yearsāā
āI canāt wait a few years, Ben; I canāt hang on that long; I wouldnāt make it,ā she cried. āI can do better, I promise, please⦠Iā¦Iāll get help. Iāll talk to someone like you wanted me to. Iāll tell you everythingāIāll do whatever you ask. Justā¦please donāt cancel the wedding!ā
āFannie, whatāre youā¦you donāt get it,ā I said, bewildered. āIām not just trying to blackmail you into doing whatever I want. Iām telling you the marriage thing isnāt going to work if you still have things youāre holding against me. Itā¦it honestly kind of sounds like you just want to be married more than you actually want me or us.ā
And then it hit me.
Pennie had been the exact same way.
The entire time I had known Pennie, before we had lost contact with her, she had looked forward to her marriage to Ruut Pentarra as the thing that would solve everything for her. And it wasnāt as if marriage would have given her access to anything she didnāt already have. Unlike Fannie, Ruut never reserved anything for marriage (of which he had several concurrently), besides the title of āwifeā as opposed to āmate.ā
But Pennie had believed that becoming Ruut Pentarraās wife would finally elevate her status above all of his other partners and playmates. She had believed that once she married him, all the jealousy and pain would go away.
And now, Fannie believed that marrying me would finally scrub the last of her sister from my lips and from my hands and from her mind. That once she married me, all the thoughts and memories that plagued her in secret, all the resentment and anger she had tried in vain to forget, would finally disappear.
Because on Ryloth, marriage was safety. Pennie had married for what she thought was safetyāa secure and lasting position in her fatherās favor; a way to make her fatherās unnatural relationship with her somehow legitimate. Fannie had decried Pennieās choice, seeing the marriage for the prison it was. It had killed Fan to watch her sister walk willingly into her cage. She had wanted something better for her sistersāfor all of themābut especially for Pennie. Fannie had always spoken about how much she wanted to be different from her family; how much she wanted to marry for love, and not for any other reason. And Fannie held a deep and sacred honor for the concept of marriage in a way that the rest of her family did not: she believed in unswerving fidelity, and lifelong commitment, and shared respect and mutual sacrifice and putting one another first and enduring through difficulty and sharing in oneness and many, many admirable thingsā
ā¦But, deep down, Fannie thought marriage would bring her safety, too.
In fact, it was her very last lifeline at the moment.
And in that, she was far more like Pennie than she realized.
They were sisters, after all. Sisters with the same father and the same mother and the same culture of origin and the same poisons in their blood. Fannie had learned a lot more than Pennie had, healed from a lot more, put far more effort into her growthā¦but no amount of Jedi training could completely remove what she and her sister had inherited together.
And I understood now.
I understood.
I slowly came forward, step by step, till I was close enough to carefully take Fannieās non-saber-holding hand and bring it to my lips. A sob escaped her as I laid a kiss on her knuckles.
āHey,ā I said softly. āListen to me, sweetheart. Iām not going to abandon you. I still love you. I still want to marry you.ā
Fannie continued to weep, and I was able to get close enough to kiss her forehead.
āāCause as long as youāre still willing to have me,ā I told her, āI am still willing to have you. No matter how much crap we go through. No matter how much we have to wade through together and work through. I will go through all of it with you, I promise, but we do need to go through it.ā
Fannie trembled. Her arm holding the saber fell to her side.
āBecause marriage alone isnāt gonna fix it, Pen,ā I said. āWe have to fix it. Together. And itās not gonna be easy. Itās not gonna be pretty. But together, I know we canāā
āWait,ā Fannie whispered. āWhat did you just call me?ā
I stared at her. āIā¦what?ā
āWhat did you just call me, Ben?ā
āYourā¦your name? What? What did I say?ā
āYou said Pennie,ā Fannie uttered, but the way her voice sounded was honestly best described as a guttural gurgle. āYou called me Pennie.ā
Ohā¦crap.
Had I really?
You had got to be kidding me.
I replayed the tape in my head. I guessed I had. It hadnāt even registeredāI must have still been thinking about how similar she was to her sister. That and it was all too easy to mix up her and her sistersā names, even under normal circumstancesāit certainly wasnāt the first time I had called Connie āGinnieā or Pennie āFannieā or Connie āFannieā or Ginnie āPennie.ā (Fannie had even named her sisterās daughter āBunnieāāthat was the degree to which Fan was committed to this particular nicknaming convention.)
But this was the absolute worst possible time I could have called Fannie something other than her name, and Pennieās name was the absolute worst possible name I could have possibly called her by. So of course I had. Because I can never do anything right.
Fannieās eyes flooded with tears while the entire world, which had almost seemed like it would be okay for a moment, began to cave in under my feet.
And then Fannie said something awful.
āIām going to kill myself,ā she whispered. And yes, she said those exact wordsā¦right before she shoved me out of the way andāyes, you guessed itāthrew herself out the open window.
āNONONONO FANNIE!ā I screamed, rushing to the window as she disappeared over the edge.
I leaned out the window in horror, fully expecting to see Fannie soup on the ground belowā¦but she was not Fannie soup, and she hadnāt even broken both her legs, either. This was because, in my panic, I had also forgotten she was a Jedi. And for a Jedi, jumping out of a window is basically nothing at all. (In fact, anecdotal sources from the Clone Wars would suggest the Jedi back then were constantly jumping out of windows, for speeder chases and catching bad guys and stuff.)
Butā¦maybe it would have been better if Fannie had broken both her legs.
Because then she wouldnāt have taken off running down the street.
Wellā¦I donāt know what you would have done. But Iāll tell you what I did.
I called the Republic City Security Forces on Fannie Pentarra.
And I kind of wish I hadnāt, because it created about fifteen other messes besides the one we already had, butā¦I really donāt know what else I could have done.
Howeverā¦there is one bright side to all this. And I wouldnāt have been able to say this yesterday (remember, I wrote most of this story yesterday and had to finish it up today), butā¦I was finally able to take her home from the medcenter yesterday evening, and we had another long talkāone where no windows were jumped out of and no police were called and nobody threatened to kill themselves.
And the bright side of all this chaos is this: as much as it has probably scarred her for life (which I feel terrible about, and also very in debt about), I think winding up in the medcenter and having to stare at the ceiling for eighteen hours finally forced Fannie to really take an honest look at herself and face all the things she hadnāt wanted to face.
Glad youre gonna talk to fannie, always good to reach out
All Im gonna suggest is to maybe not worry about everyone hating you...because maybe they dont? You messed up, you acknowledge that, but spiraling and thinking that all you can do is make mistakes or be a bad person is going to hurt you. It wont give you room to grow, it sets a standard for yourself that ultimately isnt healthy even if it *feels* correct. People make mistakes, some people make a lot of mistakes, people arent infallible, ben. People can grow and communicate while also acknowledging their mistakes and working to correct them. As long as you work on yourself, you arent doomed to whatever cycle you may think youre doomed to.
Hope your talk with fannie goes well
Right yeah right thanksā¦thanks I mean it maybe youāre right, I mean, I guess I donāt completely suck, at least not all the time, maybe
Yeah. I really do appreciate it, all of it, really, sorry I canāt say more Iām just literally turning the corner on my street right now
Okay lookie here. So this is gonna sound a little rough, but what if you quit stressing about it and made the first move? What if you did something about the panic and gave Fannie a hand to hold? Just. Reach out. Remind her "I love you", remind her "this isn't going to work if our friendship ends". Ask her how you can love her better. Ask her how she needs to be loved right now. Show her that you can be trusted and that it's safe to be honest with you. Do. Something.
My brother's first fiancee broke off the engagement about 10 weeks before their wedding. My brother at the time did have to send out "lose the date" messages. However the silver lining part is that he did end up getting married two or so years later and they have two kids together, so it's a happy ending after all!
But Iā
I mean thatās great but Iā
Look sorry I really am genuinely so happy for your brother thatās super awesome and I hope heās living his best life but Iā
I just donāt think thereās another chance for me if this falls through Iām not like other people I donāt like other people I have never liked anyone else the way I like her ever in my life yes there was the thing withāthe thing withāwell I canāt even hold it in my brain or think of her name right now because thatās what ruined everything thatās the reason this whole nightmare started but even that was different ācause it was built on mutual desperation and how bad we both wanted to claw out of the emptiness but what Iāve got with Fannie came out of what I already had with her how weād been good friends for years she was the first person I ever felt something like that for I didnāt know I could feel something like that for anyone and I donāt know if I can ever feel something like that for someone again and I know everyone says that I know everyone says it but I actually mean it I mean it in a different way I actually mean it I really really mean it
Ben, listen to me. You are having an anxiety spiral. I'm well acquainted with them. I try to think of the old children's song "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll go eat worms" because eating worms is ridiculous, and so are the other two ideas. And then I call my psychiatrist.
As far as the wedding, I am going to tell you what my aunt-who-has-been-divorced-and-then-remarried told us niblings: If you have any doubt about the marriage -- not general nerves about a big event or a life change, but concerns about the person you are marrying -- or at any point feel like you're making a mistake, call it all off.
She said she remembers walking down the aisle and thinking "I think this is a mistake but everyone is here already and I can't let them down and everything is paid for and it's probably nothing." She says this was the biggest regret of her life, and if she had to do it over, she would've turned around and walked the other day, deposits and party be damned. The short-term financial loss and emotional upheaval would've been a million times better than her first marriage (which ended in more financial loss and emotional upheaval).
Furthermore, calling off a wedding does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. It doesn't mean you don't love someone; in fact, it can be the most loving thing you can do. And it certainly doesn't mean you are unloved or incapable of having a romantic relationship in the future. My aunt and uncle found each other later in life, and they're the happiest they've ever been.
So funny story I have actually eaten worms before. I understand this is beside the point but just figured Iād make it known
Youāre right I think I need to seriously suggest we call this off I mean itās six weeks from now I kept thinking we had time I kept thinking we had time weāre running out of time
But Iām still waiting for her to want to talk to me like she obviously doesnāt want to talk to me if sheās been venting about me and purposely hiding it from me so how I can I talk to her when she doesnāt want to talk to me how can I even think about talking to her when she doesnāt want to talk to me she doesnāt want to talk to me she doesnāt want to talk to me she doesnāt
I canāt do this anymore. I canāt live like this. My anxiety has been blatantly unmanageable this week and I have been trying to just pull through and carry on with all the plans I had but I feel like Iām driving down a road at full speed toward a solid wall. And I donāt know who to turn to anymore because Iām so ashamed and humiliated and I bet everyone saw this coming but me. And everything thatās wrong is all my fault. Iām the one who messed up and Iām the one who asked her to marry me anyway and Iām the one whoās been sinking more and more time and effort and credits into thisā¦this mistake and I just donāt see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Either we go through with the wedding and I spend the rest of my life with someone who hates me, or we get a divorce in two years and have to undo all the sloppy stitches holding us together one-by-one, or I get out of it now and have to take the financial loss and uninvite everyone from the wedding and explain to them what happened because of how stupid and horrible I am and spend the next five years picking up the pieces and trying not to go into debt orā¦orā¦I donāt know. I just donāt know. I spent the last five months really believing my life could get better and that I could turn things around and that I could start over with a clean slate and that there were beautiful, exciting new things in my future, but now Iām terrified, Iām terrifiedāmaybe I was wrong to hope and maybe Iām doomed to be nothing but a screw-up after all and I donāt see how I can ever believe in anything better for me ever againāand I donāt know how I can ever trust anyone anymore when they say they forgive me because maybe theyāre still angry at me underneath, which theyāve a right to be, and because I have hurt every single person in my life at one time or another in all these horrible, horrible ways itās entirely possible that everyone hates me beneath their āI love youās and their smiles, and everyone Iāll ever meet will hate me even if I havenāt screwed up yet, because I always do in the endāI always screw up, I always screw up, I always screw up, I always screw up, always hurt people always do stupid stuff always make a mess always ruin good things always make the wrong choices I donāt deserve to be loved anymore Iāve lost the right to be loved Iāve lost the privilege of being loved everyoneās only pretending to love me everyoneās only pretending to like me everyoneās only pretending itās all pretend itās all pretend they all hate me everyone hates me she hates me she hates me she hates me and she wonāt tell me but she hates me and nobody will tell me but they hate me everyone hates me and no one will tell me itās all pretend everything I thought was real is pretend and I donāt know whatās real anymore and Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so scared Iām so
Boy howdy Ben, this era will make a fun story to tell the grandkids one day
Oh yeah, super fun, Iām having a great timeāwait, grandkids?! How can you be so sure about grandkids I donāt even know if thereāll be regular kids I donāt even know if thereāll be a mother to these hypothetical children I donāt even knowā
i didnāt think this was ācause of me.
when you stopped smiling i thought it was ācause of everything else
i thought it was ācause of her
but i guess it couldnāt have been about her without it also being about me, and
everything is my fault in the end
i am building our future
or trying to
desperately
like high-tiered cakes on tilting stilts
and there we stand at the top,
pretty enough to eat but bitter enough to choke on
baby, iām scared
iām scared of you
iām scared of your silence and how youāre always so polite
because when she was mad, i knew
and then i could do what i do bestā
get on my knees and beg for mercy
let me get on my knees for you
not just one knee but on both
let me cry until i dry out and die so you know how hard iām trying
because iām trying, baby, iām trying
but iām not good enough
iām not good enough
iām not good
iām no good
i never was and i never will be
I don't think it's my place to take screenshots of her posts or anything. That's for you and she to talk about and work through, and not for an outsider to meddle in. Hopefully, she'll let you read them when she's ready.
But she's been... how do I say this.
I think she isn't over all of her resentment about what happened with Pennie. I think you really, really broke her heart. And I don't say this to rub salt in the wound. I know how awful you feel about it, I've seen you become so, so much better (and I am beyond proud of you for that), and I know that you love her. But I'm also not the one who got hurt.
And I think you're going to have to let her confront you about it, openly, honestly, with all the pain and anger and vitriol that it's going to come with, because... well, to put it one way: I don't think the marriage is going to last long, if you don't get this out of the way before your wedding day.
Hey, Ben. Um.... I must be honest, I kind of put off sending this ask, but I think it's finally gotten to a point where I can't just sit back and not say anything anymore.
Are you absolutely sure that Fannie deleted her blog?
ā¦Yeah?
I mean, when I try to open it, it says the whole āthis blog doesnāt existā thing. And I am very familiar with that error message, because every time I say something mean to someone online, they delete their blog. (Which always seemed kind of extreme. Like, Iām kind of a jerk sometimes and I admit that, but you could just block me or something instead of deactivating entirely.)
Anyway, I felt bad that people kept being so utterly intimidated by my superior debating skills and devastatingly witty barbs that they were always deleting their blogs, so thatās why Iām trying to be nicer and not send any more death threaā
ā¦wait.
ā¦
ā¦Hm. Okay. So maybe I am just hated, and not reverently feared like I thought. Well, that rocks my worldā
WAIT
ā¦Oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh noā
Whatās she saying. Whatās she saying?! Why would she have things sheās willing to say publicly but not want me to know?! You sound like itās something bad. Is it something bad? Itās something bad. Whatās she saying please weāre about to get on a two-hour flight together I will be trapped sitting next to her for two whole hours quick please I need to know