Itâs 4 am, 13 hours after the world stood still, and I canât sleep. I'm not sure when I'll stop crying over what happened and what could have happened. Nightmares are haunting me and even my waken thoughts are disturbing. I was still at work when I heard it happening. It was 3 pm and the though of sneaking early from work seemed so happy. I would go to my boyfriends house and we would have fun together.
But when a terror attack happen, you donât go home to your boyfriend. You go home.
The very first though was a âPlease, no. Not today. Not nowâ. We knew from the attacks on other countries that it eventually was our turn but it wasnât supposed to be now. It wasnât supposed to be so real. I ran into my coworkers room where I saw everyone gathered. Fathers most of them. I could see they were trying to keep calm, to let out a small âJesus Christ..â and âthe world is fucked upâ. But we soon parted, everyone decide to go home. But before we all left, we all took out our phones. We delt numbers we had so many times before with a heart threatening to beat our of our chests. âeveryone I know is alrightâ you try to tell yourself but you still panic when the call goes to voice-mail, even if you know itâs because they are in school and still blissfully unaware of the tragedy.
We donât say âgood bye! Have a nice weekendâ that Friday. Instead we stay glued to our phone, trying desperately to get contact.
My family and friends answered quickly once they understood the horrors of the event. And the stories came running in. âI was on my way thereâ âI was on my way from thereâ. And then the reality of the situation hits me too. I was going to be there. Days before I had decided to go to Central Stockholm on Friday, because it seemed like such a good day. And the reality of how close it was hit me.
One thing I noticed were how life just seemed to move on. I still took the same bus, face covered in tears that I didnât even bother to hide. The train didnât take me very far but as I was riding on it a parent with a child sat down a few seats besides me. They were eating ice cream. Probably something the child had looked forward to the entire week. And I was there worrying of my loved ones where alright. I looked around me and everyone was on their phones. Some following the live-stream like I was, begging for answers Noone can give. I could hear people talking to their family members, trying to play it cool and have a normal chat, but you could see their tears of happiness before they called a new number and the worry returned.
When the train stopped moving entirely, my mom came to pick me up. I donât think Iâve ever hugged someone that hard before. If destiny had wanted otherwise, that hug wouldnât have happened.
We picked up my little sister and her friend which were also stuck. And I wanted to cry of relief, but I tried to keep calm for her safe. Joke âare you guys also stuck? Ugh, itâs always on Fridaysâ while also being close to vomiting.
The live-stream still in my headphones, a hand on my momâs hand, and social media blowing up of relatives and far away friends freaking out. We tried to have a happy car ride, but you could cut the tension with a knife. âit was also a few shootingsâ you discussed â3 dead so far, but probably moreâ. They werenât even any tears left, just listening to police altering between telling people that everything is safe to them yelling for everyone to keep away.
And even with this horrible attack, you canât stop thinking: âwhat would have happened if it was one and a half hour later?â when everyone (me included) would go to town to buy that dress they had been eyeing online or meet up with friends and have fun and end up dead. âwhat would have happened if it was next week with the Easter break happening?â. The number of dead would have rose dramatically.
And then, when the shock calms you start to hear stories: your friends saying that their family members would have gone to town today at that very spot, but didnât make it because of sickness so everything was canceled, saving all of their lives. Another friend who was 100 meters away, around a corner, but who asked her mom for a drink, making them stop and miss the attack.
And my thought goes to the harmed and dead ones and their families. The ones who were just going to go in and try out that perfume or who accidentally took an earlier train and decide to sight see and most of all, those children who destiny and random stole from us.
I am in shock, the whole Stockholm is in shock and yet we must stay strong. People are opening their homes and are trying to spread love through this act of hatred. But during this Easter break.. I think many of us are going to hug our loved one a bit extra and please, do so you too.
Because destiny and randomness are cruel and an act of one can ruin for so many. Tell your friends and family that you love them and for a moment, just breathe. We need to be strong but itâs OK to weep and feel the loss.
But we will never let hatred win.
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