asocial s-hell

[asocial-shell]

the asocial shell is the asocial's hell:

photo-dump blogging with 📱📸 roll fillers

who: female, naarm/melbourne, australia —blog un-connected/linked to anyone known irl or online, not hashtagged, nor linked to any other socials

zero traffic: not looking for validation, blogging for myself: processing, recalling the better memories to overwrite the not so great ones. I don't engage with other blogs much at all, so how you got here or found this space is a miracle

content warning: cptsd, medium functioning depression

persons: all names (except one) are pseudonyms, I do not post photos or anything to compromise the identity of whom I'm writing about. there are no photos of me or anything to identify me by

no reposts: please do not repost any part (with/without credit)

not really here to reciprocate: followers, callouts, reblog chains, child support claims, insurance schemes, get rich fast programs, sugar daddy propositions &/or likes

otherwise,

if you say hi, I'll say hi back ---when I can, most times ❤️

have a lovely day~🙌🏻🌞🌨️☁️✨

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.08 - 5:09AM MON

📷 pursuit of happiness

Attempted once to take my own life.

Lost two days, two whole days wiped from my memory. I don't recall anything, aside from snippets that are so vague and broken —borrowed from hearing recounts. Faint recollections of the night before, and then even the days following are just patchy memories. Like it never happened, or if it did, it was in another reality, another timeline, another universe.

Dissociative amnesia.

Rin remembers, but it's a conversation he has never wanted to have with me, till this day.

I've asked this many times,

If I am able to forget, then why are there memories so disgusting, they should have been forgotten but are remembered in immense detail.

Memories I have to stay awake until the point of utter exhaustion to avoid re experiencing.

What the fuck for?

[asocial-shell]

Thought so.

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.07 - 8:09PM SUN

📷 Southern Cross Station • pothos above desk / left one painted: half by me, half by Jo, right one: blacked out for reasons • new notes set, matches with the month

Proper communication resolves a lot of things.

Open, honest, accepting of each other's perspectives, taking accountability ---with the shared goal of reaching a resolution, and not making it about winning/losing.

There is no reconciliation with evil.

So not everything can be fixed, but some are worth the time and effort.

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.07 - 1:06AM SUN

📷 dated: desk shelf corner • sweet potato plants / wall behind the other desk • view before me just before midnight (my legs, lower right corner), Bear & Miffy on the sofa with me / still listening to music

🎧 rachmaninov prelude in g minor op.23, no.5 ••• cello and piano adagios

Sweet potato plants for the desk wall kinda didn't work out (got very leggy and leaves started yellowing). Replaced with pothos instead.

Instagram feels so superficial, don't know why we're still on that thing.

Day Z spawned for me more than SIX GPS units, wish I was kidding —at least some of them had batteries. Will tinker with global loot parameters tomorrow. Deleted all other respawn locations so the only place we return to is the island, incredibly convenient.

•

Walking on the knife's edge.

Daytime is good, dates feel like warm toast on a winter morning.

Nighttime is another story. Battle between awake and sleep, dreading night terrors.

My life is small.

No family. No colleagues beyond emails, no noteworthy acquaintances, I don't go out of my way to know or keep people.

I have exactly three people, not a soul more not a soul less. Pets. An apartment full of hobbies.

Keeps me from killing myself.

And now there is one more, but there's unease —at my end, because I don't know how to feel safe.

Might scurry and hide at the very slightest sign of danger, and fuck it all up like I did with our dinner date last week.

But on other accounts (some of which I've since closed thank goodness)... it's/I'm so wildly different, the contrast sometimes triggers dissociation.

[the-moon-whisperer]

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.06 - 6:59AM SAT

📷 conservatory

Stayed up, gamed all night, just got into bed 10mins ago.

Went back to Day Z, to the island, but no greenhouse - I must have imagined it the last time I died there.

Exhausted. Surely there's no room for nightmares now.... Since it was our day number one, I wanted at least a whole 24 hours free of the past.

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.05 - 10:15PM FRI

📷 northbank • clear blue skies • NGV • avenue of trees • and more autumn

000000001

Matching bracelets: minimalist dainty rope chain style in white gold with initials (hence moving the date forward to friday).

Updated; picture of them on our wrists, no caption.

Long walk, picnic at a park bench, talked, held hands, kissed, cuddled-hugged.

Slow and cosy, peaceful.

Warm winter day, pretty blue skies.

Early dinner back at apartment.

•

Feelings wise: still processing.

Bracelet was a sweet surprise, didn't quite expect him to be that kind of sentimental (?).

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.04 - 9:08AM THURS

📷 cosy vc-stream-steam desk / still got the replica eames daw eiffel chairs • started a tiny canvas yesterday small enough to be at this desk instead of the actual crafts one, then restarted it to add frame border (dino washi tape!!!) / colour wash blocking whilst playing counter-strike

Woke up at 4am, same ordeal.

At least my trauma is consistent. Relapse, and mild one at that —haven't wanted to kill myself yet. Each time we learn a little something that makes the next time a little easier. OR meet someone who knows how to hold us.

Perhaps the stench isn't them, perhaps it's something that stems from the repulsion of my own fear, of victim's shame

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.03 - 11:44AM WED

📷 yesterday, waiting to meetup

Returned to Steam.

It's a bit empty; deleted everyone off the friendslist before sending in the account deletion request, save for username (family sharing access) and username who reached out days ago. Could not say bye to the houses just yet; 2 on Starsand Island and 4 on Palia. Total of 2200+ hours.

Even so, there is no space for people who cannot respect my privacy, my time, and my energy. Unwilling to take accountability, do not reflect enough upon their behaviours; whilst looking out for others' red flags, they become completely blind to their own, even after being confronted.

•

TRIFECTA: WORK, LEISURE-STEAM, RELATIONSHIP.

Adjacent company; very similar contract, different work culture from what I've gathered.

A cop out if I ever need one: still have 6/8 weeks left.

Doing very well, all things considered.

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.03 - 9:28AM WED

📷 Happy 001

Off the record, today is our day number one.

On the record, it's official on Friday (because work has been intense); to be commemorated by a day together —celebration of sorts.

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.03 - 3:18AM WED

Second night not using music to fall asleep.

Dreamt of him, in Namalsk.

Running through dense conifers, light snow, darkness, no lights, faint silhouettes, clouds obscure the full moon. Footsteps on gravel, train tracks, heavy boots, he's behind me, closing the distance, I scramble out from the trees, cross the tracks, gunshot slices the night air, it miss, faint ricochet, heart pounding too loudly to register a direction, briefly pivot my gaze back, unmistakably him, crossing the tracks just paces behind, fully geared, gun drawn, rumbling in the distance, train engine, chase the sound, train is moving, sprint forward leap for the iron handle, feet drag through gravel, still gripping the door, find my footing, hurl my body up into the cargo carriage, body lands onto damp wood, face in it, catching my breath, train picks up speed, wind howling through the carriage, I'm safe. Suddenly, loud clang, door rattles violently, before I can react, boots, inches from my face, either side, standing over me, gun to my head, sneer lit by moonlight; Kane. No. I whimper, half dragging half crawling, deeper into the darkness of the carriage. He chuckles, I see nothing, but I hear his boots. Right where I want you to be you stupid bitch. Enjoy this. Flash of white light, the hilt hits my temple, and then once more. Darkness and silence. Slowly the sounds return, train, gravel, howling winds, snow blizzard, their laughter. Evils from the past, frame against the light from the open carriage doors, moonlit, like a pack of wolves, they corner me.

Don't want to recall the rest, same terrors as the night before, with a different setting.

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.02 - 5:06PM TUES

📷 clouds • trees • detail • right now, Cass & dianthus • he's not home • view before me

Doing my best to return to that old format of 'a few pictures and a little sentiment, or a little update' rather than heavy trauma dumping and overthinking.

•

Two weeks from the fact,

Two out of the eight weeks that we said we'd allow for ourselves to get shit together.

It has been tumultuous. Which is exactly what it should be; the choices that were made were made to shake things up, for momentum, to knock us out of stagnation.

[asocial-shell]

I cannot speak for the other person, their intent/motive is theirs to own,

(can only express how I perceived it, at the time and/or in hindsight)

At my end, it was genuine and well meaning —perhaps not as self aware as I'd prefer to be, but I never (not even once) conducted with an intent to hurt/harm.

[asocial-shell]

along the lines of,

a person can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves

—matt kahn

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.02 - 9:48AM TUES

📷 coffee • trees

🎧 adagios, cello and piano

Inability, or sometimes unwillingness to apologise to ourselves, and to others.

Accountability & forgiveness.

Buzz words. Will not claim to know what they mean.

•

his arms, my cheek against his bare chest, skin to skin, coolness and warmth, his heartbeats, slow deep breaths, soft trace of cologne and fresh sheets, silence of everything else fading away, firmness of the embrace, slow deliberate way he stroked my hair down to my back, how he gently guided my hands to wrap around his back, instead of paper-clipping them between our bodies —warm, and safe.

Unlocked gentleness, tenderness.

Regardless of the outcome of today's talk;

[asocial-shell]

📝 2026.06.02 - 7:15AM TUES

📷 MAY-JUNE ROUNDUP:

Resigned mid May —colossal decision

Nathan stayed around for a year without sex, mostly unreciprocated advances —we do not have trouble pulling. Healing takes time. There will be others.

Left Steam, to make room for life. Valid reasons, will hold to it, will not return.

Removed a friend (child lacking accountability) for the final time. Valid reasons, was gaslit and insulted for it:

Spiralled. Traumas resurfaced, mid-late May.

Made some positive changes, will continue to do so