I'm too aspec for this

Sometimes being Aspec and/or Aro is difficult. This isn't a totally debbie-downer blog, there will be positivity, but also content about struggles. If anything, I hope it's validating to those who are struggling or informative to people. This is a SIDEBLOG, follow from a personal miscellaneous blog. Use common sense, be kind if you reblog anything. Aphobes/arophobes will be blocked on sight.

[aspecduality]

Pinned post

Anything rebloged that is not an original post of mine may have different experiences, opinions, or wording that I’m not 110% behind. 

Only my original posts are solely my opinion. My opinions are not true for every Aspec and/or Arospec person out there and I will reiterate this in posts to make this clear. Take in other Apsec people’s opinions as well. Use critical thinking skills, but for the love of everything holy when it comes to issues of those in a minority group at the very least try and listen a little before dismissing what we have to say.

Things that may want to be blacklisted by people will be tagged with the ___ cw format. If you need anything tagged please send me a message.

This post will be added to as needed.

[arowitharrows]

I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable coming out as aroace, despite being comfortably aroace. The other day someone asked me if I was queer and I felt so uncomfortable saying yes, because even if it is true, I knew it was still painting the wrong picture in this persons mind. And throughout the rest of the evening it was obvious they thought I was bi but I couldn't correct them because it's not an easy "oh I'm not X I'm Y", it's a whole new conversation: opening yourself up to uncomfortable and invasive questions, opening yourself up to the other persons astonishment and bafflement which just makes you feel more othered, opening yourself up to being hurt by casual assumptions and dismissive comments or just plain awkward silence. and usually it ends with the feeling that you didn't do enough to paint the right picture, to explain everything in a way that leaves no false impressions, that you didn't find the right words to make them truly understand you. despite such understanding taking years and years of work. It's so frustrating!

[arowitharrows]

being aromantic and having your closest friend and living partner get into a romantic relationship is like constantly trying to find a balance between being happy for them and being bitter about it and feeling guilty for feeling bitter about it and feeling like there's a neon sign above your head blinking the words "deprioritized" and wanting to push everything away in the hopes that it will hurt less but knowing that will only make it worse and not knowing what you are allowed to be upset about and what is you just being jealous and keeping everything to yourself but feeling like you might explode

[wiisagi-maiingan]

It does actually blow me away that amatonormativity (the societal belief that everyone thrives best in and should desire a monogamous romantic relationship) is not a more frequently discussed topic in activist spaces because it is so fucking useful to describe so many aspects of society relating to misogyny, abuse, financial pressure, medical restrictions, family structures, etc but it's either completely unheard of or treated as a joke.

And frankly, as an aro and acespec person, I am fully fucking aware that the refusal of a lot of people on tumblr to use the term amatonormativity is centered around aphobia because apparently no one else is affected by lressure to be in a monogamous romantic relationship enough to talk about it, right? I am tired.

[aroaceenjolras]

(Esme Squalor voice) Talking about sex repulsion as squeamishness about sex is OUT talking about sex repulsion as dysphoria around being assigned a sexuality you don't possess is IN

[aroaceenjolras]

Likeee, okay, obviously I can't tell anyone else how to describe THEIR OWN repulsion

But I know that I, SPECIFICALLY, have experienced both dysphoria (of multiple kinds) and just Being Grossed Out, and my sex repulsion feels, to me, much closer to the former thing than the latter.

I think that my sex repulsion, and probably a lot of other people's, is what happens when the culture you live in assumes that you have, or will have, sexual dispositions or interests or desires that you don't have and cannot develop. And I don't think this is an ace people exclusive experience, but I do think there are more repulsed aces than repulsed people of other sexualities because we are significantly more prone to being negatively impacted by this type of cultural programming in this precise way.

I do also think a parallel phenomenon is happening with romantic attraction but if you mention aromanticism and asexuality in the same post on this site people bring out the firing squads. Which obviously does not negatively affect me, an aroace who doesn't split my orientation, in any way. So I won't talk about that here.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Day 3 of ace week and day I-don't-know-how-many of me trying to best articulate the issues I have with how asexual and aromantic characters are treated in fandom, forever hoping to get the point across

[arowitharrows]

My aromanticism is not a soft suffering waiting for you to shape it, lovingly, into something you can pity. I am not seeking your tender validation.

I do not need you to explain love to me.

Were we not hand fed the same dreams, the same wishes? Were we not given the same template, told to fill in the blanks with the same values? I've spent all my life being forced into the shape of someone like you.

I know what love is.

Let me explain lovelessness to you.

Let me press my hands deep into something you never questioned and let me break it open. Let me show you the rugged edges, the sharp teeth buried inside. If I bare my heart to you, will you see me as human?

My aromanticism is wrapped in bitter sharp barbed wire edges. You may lay your hands upon me but beware of shaping me.

[an-aro-made-of-aspen]

Hey, op

I hope you don't mind, but I made fanart of your poetry. That is the most accurate way to describe aromanticism (to me) and like. I've been obsessing over the way this hit me since I saw this post yesterday.

[arowitharrows]

Oh wow, this is amazing!! I'm a bit speechless. thank you for sharing your art, it's so well done and really captures the imagery I was going for <2

[anistarrose]

If the people in a relationship say it's platonic, then it's platonic, regardless of your preconceived notions about commitment, cohabitation, gender, sex or other physical intimacy, and anything else you associate with a strict position on a romantic/platonic binary. Likewise, if the people in a relationship say it's romantic, then it's romantic, again regardless of your preconceived notions about commitment, cohabitation, gender, sex or other physical intimacy, and anything else you associate with a strict position on a romantic/platonic binary. Friends can have sex and/or live together, and romantic partners don't need to. People can also do either of those things or neither without placing themselves in a platonic-romantic binary.

Platonic and romantic relationships (as well as, frankly, sex itself, if you take a look at the way sex has been typically defined in such a cisheteronormative way) are way too socially constructed for your stereotypes to overrule the actual intent and self-understanding of the people those relationships most matter to.

[specialagentartemis]

"marriage is the ONLY way to get these protections" "there is NO WAY to hack a legal arrangement to cover everything that marriage grants" "kiddos you don't remember what it was like before we could get married, we finally got rights because we could get married" Okay But You Recognize Why That's Bad, Right. Like that is really, really bad that you have to enter a specific type of relationship to get legal rights. That is A Problem. You recognize that that is Not A Good Thing, Right

[aropride]

"aros can still date" well i don't want to. "aros can be in qprs" well i don't want to. "aros can still get married" i cannot stress enough how much i don't want to do that. "it can be completely platonic" i don't care i still don't want to. "aros can still go on dates and kiss people and act indistinguishably from an alloromantic person" why are you so hell bent on us fitting into amatonormative society as much as possible. "aros can still love" is this just to make you feel better? it feels like it's just to make you feel better

[aropride]

and don’t get mad at me but it’s sort of the aro version of telling a gay man “well you can just date a woman and act straight, you dont have to actually be in love but you can date a woman, you can marry a woman for the tax benefits even, why not just date women it would be easier” like that’s definitely a possibility but an overwhelming majority of gay men want to be with men. and many, many aros don’t want to be with anyone. and repeatedly being told how we could put ourselves in a situation we don’t want to be in just to keep up appearances is exhausting

[anistarrose]

"the concept of queerplatonic relationships originated from the asexual community" and "anyone of any orientation can be in a QPR" and "it's weird to give an overview of QPRs that mentions asexuality without mentioning their significance to so many aromantic people" and "QPRs don't need to be non-sexual" are all true statements that can easily coexist

[ladydisdain5]

More people need to understand that gender and sexuality can be phases, and that's completely fine, normal even, and doesn't invalidate any part of those phases.

"You'll find the right person eventually" this, and "you're just a late bloomer" that. Yeah, maybe. So what? If I find the right person, that doesn't mean I'm not ace, it's a spectrum for a reason. If I do turn out to be a late bloomer, that doesn't mean I'm not ace now.

And what's the worst that'll happen anyway? You'll gain empathy for and knowledge of the group you were part of? Oh, no, the horror

[fwoosheye]

Life consists of phases. Sometimes what you think is a phase turns out to not be one, and other times what you think isn't a phase turns out to be one. Some change we can somewhat control (e.g. outfits or diets) and some we cannot (e.g. sexuality and gender). Sometimes what we think is a change is really just us learning things about ourselves. And that's fine. What isn't fine is "deciding" what is and isn't a phase for others and use that as an excuse to be mean to them. Accept people for what they are now and what they have been. And if they change in some way? Cool, accept and respect their new aspect.

Change is a part of life, and there's no reason to hate on people for it.

[aromantic-diaries]

I will never get over the time I pointed out how non-aspec people only talk about the romance and sex favorable parts of the spectrum when they want an excuse for shipping fictional characters and don't actually understand that it's a real experience that real people have and people immediately started talking about fictional characters

[aromantic-diaries]

I don't CARE if you think aroace Blorbo should still be allowed to kiss people, are you normal about aroace Real Life Human who kisses people

[arowitharrows]

I feel like people struggle to understand that my life as an aorace person is not centered around an absence of relationships. There is no romance shaped void that I am trying to live with, or live around, or which my life's purpose is to fill somehow.

I go to university and I go to work and I volunteer in my community and in the in-between moments I drink tea with my friends and I plant tomatoes on my balcony and there is no need for anything else. There is no room for anything else anyway.

When I am asked how I deal with 'the hole in my life' or what I do with 'all my free time', I know these questions are not about me at all. They are a reflection of the person asking.

[cryiling]

happy friday and nothing else !! 🥰🫶

[prinxe-with-no-crown]

i love aromanticism i love questioning the place romance has in one's life i love refusing to define my affection i love understanding what i want and how it differs from what i am told i should want i love being aromantic

[heckling-hydrena]

I have a complicated relationship with the concept of microlabels and more specifically aspec microlabels, because on one hand I have nothing against people who want to use a term that more closely describes their experiences it's literally none of my business good for them etc. but on the other hand I do think that sometimes people feel pushed to use microlabels because there are sooo many misconceptions about what asexuality and aromanticism actually are. so for example people who are just discovering their identity will try to connect with other aspecs, realize their experiences don't fully match every other aspec's experiences and get insecure, and that leads to interactions like "is it normal that I'm aromantic but I like shipping and romcoms?" "that actually means you're aegoromantic!" like it doesn't have to! it literally doesn't have to you don't have to identify as aego you can just call yourself aromantic! I feel like it would be way more productive to put effort into dispelling the idea that there's a 'proper' way to be asexual/aromantic instead of creating a microlabel for every experience that doesn't match common stereotypes.

and I'm gonna talk about asexuality specifically here because asexuality is still talked about so much more often (sorry to the aroallo warriors out there) but we've, and I can only assume this is a consequence of the stupid fucking ace discourse, internalized this weird idea that anyone who doesn't 100% fit into the category of 'never felt sexual attraction ever + no libido + sex-repulsed + never even THINKS about sex' either needs to use a microlabel or maybe even isn't really asexual. I've genuinely seen people ask "can I be asexual if I masturbate" "can I be asexual if I think this fictional character is hot" like YES? YES OBVIOUSLY? who is making you feel like you can't call yourself asexual point them out in the crowd for me tell me their name and their home address.

not to mention the fringe group of idiots (and I'll be real it's mostly weirdo terfs saying this shit) who are like "ohhh I feel bad for the REAL asexuals IF they even EXIST because these STRAIGHT people who don't put out on the first date are HIJACKING their community" which pisses me off so bad every time I see it. who the fuck are you to speak for me? keep your forked tongue behind your teeth etc etc.

like idk! people are totally allowed to call themselves aceflux and quoiromantic and fray and litho and whatever they want, but they should never feel like they have to! and it's become abundantly clear that some are being made to feel like they have to.