Writing Portfolio

Did you try to click on the bolded about up above, it's not a link. I don't know how to take that off. This is the Writing Portfolio and works of Stella Nathan My Website

[aspiringtobewhole]

Project Proposal- Reviewing University websites and brochures and analyzing the perceived sense of diversity through think aloud, and content analysis.

Introduction and Theoretical Framework: I wanted to do writing and come up with a proposal that centered on social justice but I didn’t know where to start. The topic of social justice is so broad and can go in any direction. I wanted to do something about race on college campuses and how writing plays into that. I had the idea of looking at college brochures and college websites and seeing how students of color and white students uptake the information differently, or possibly the same. But this wasn’t getting at what I really wanted to do. Then I was in a cultural and mental health class and there was a student who gave a presentation on how colleges pretend to be diverse but they actually aren’t. I did a similar presentation to this. In the presentation I talked about how colleges like to say they are diverse but then do things like cut Hmong language courses or defund diversity programs. I want to combine these ideas about colleges attempting to look diverse on their websites and in their brochures. I want to look at universities specially UWL for this proposal but this can be for any school, and see how they advertise their programs and how they advertise diversity. Then I want to compare this with students of color and white student’s actual experiences through interviews and ultimately I want to do a rhetorical analysis and content analysis about UWL’s website and brochure. For this a think a loud would also work well and be beneficial.

Statement of the problem: The problem is how colleges advertise diversity and inclusion but they don’t commit to it. They usually over exaggerate or completely lie about the diversity that is on campus and in their courses and programs. In turn this creates an even more hostile and uncomfortable environment for students especially students of color. Using content analysis and think aloud techniques I hope to find ways to solve this bigger than realized problem of false diversity advertisements on campus.  It may seem harmless but it hurts students of color clearly. I have a friend who attends UWL and she said she feels like she was bamboozled and a lot of my friends of color say they were tricked by all the people of color that seemed were on this campus but were not.

Purpose of study: The purpose of this study is to call out, draw attention to and correct the false diversity and inclusion rhetoric that is seen on many college websites and in their brochures using think a loud techniques as well as content analysis.

Review of Literature: In, A campus more colorful than reality, beware the college brochure, Tim Pippert, a sociologist at Augsburg College in Minnesota states that, “diversity is something that's being marketed…they're trying to sell a campus climate, they're trying to sell a future. Campuses are trying to say, 'If you come here, you'll have a good time, and you'll fit in.” This was a statement made after the controversy at the University of Madison when they photo shopped a black student into a crowd at a football game. The black student said he had never been to a football game in his life. Another article I found titled, Viewbook Diversity vs real diversity says that black students made up an average of 7.9 percent of students at the colleges studied, but 12.4 percent of those in viewbooks. Asian students are also more likely to be found in viewbooks than on campus, making up 3.3 percent of real students on average and 5.1 percent of portrayed students. 75 percent of colleges also appeared to over represent black students in viewbooks. "Black equals diversity for many people. If you show African American students, people think that means your institution is diverse," said Timothy D. Pippert, "They are defining diversity as that face." Pippert said that he didn't think colleges were acting "maliciously," and were primarily trying to send a positive message -- that "this is a place where you'd be welcome."

George Dehne, who runs an eponymous admissions consulting firm says that, “A college without large minority enrollments that wants more diversity is better off portraying itself honestly and talking about why it will be a good place for given students.” This is also my hypothesis; universities are better off being honest about their problem. I know I personally would rather go some place that admits they have a problem with a lack of diversity than one that pretends they are fine. The schools that usually pretend there are no problems often times have the biggest problems.

“According to the Fall 2012 campus-climate survey, 57 percent of white student respondents said they thought the college places a high priority on diversity and inclusion compared to 26 percent of African, Latino, Asian and Native American student respondents.”(Culture Clash students struggle with perceived diversity at IC ). This also goes along in support with some of my hypothesis and questions that I pose- the difference between students of color and white student’s ideas and perceptions about their schools diversity efforts.

Questions and hypothesis: Are students of color being persuaded by the false advertisements of diversity on college websites and brochures? What do students of color feel when they come to a campus and it’s not what has been advertised? Are students of color activity seeking out diversity when they go on college websites and look at brochures? White student’s vs students of color is there a difference of what you first look at in schools? It seems students of color would look up diversity facts and look for diversity more than white students would, schools know this so are they are specifically advertising to students of color? If a school stated that they didn’t have that much diversity would you be more willing to go there if they admit that they are lacking diversity and want to work on it? Do white students have an opinion or notice when schools are selling diversity? Do students of color notice this? How do white students feel when looking at an HBCU? What can universities do to gain your attention and keep it?

The design/method and procedures: I will find as many UWL students of color and the same amount of white students and have them all get on their computers and search UWL. These students will be freshmen for the first round and I will either catch up with them again when they are seniors, or find seniors and have them discuss their thoughts on the website and brochures as seniors and then thinking back to when they were freshmen. I will have each student either record themselves, or I will place a record near them letting them know they are being recorded and have them do a think a loud on the UWL website and brochure. I think for this first set of recordings I will not have my questions ready for them. I would like to know initial thoughts without any prompting.  Then for the second round of recordings I will ask them the questions from my hypothesis. I will have them first look at the UWL website then stop the voice recording. And then I will have them look at a brochure and then stop the recoding. Then ask the hypotheses questions, stopping and starting again for the website and then the brochure.

Limitations/Delimitations: The most glaring limitation would be trying to get high school seniors most likely and then following them into college and staying with them until they graduate. I could see being in touch with possibly 3-5 students however through email, facebook, etc. This is why I would save this approach for a later date. Or maybe not do it at all. Working with minors gets to be a tricky subject and a lot of extra work. So while this would be another aspect, sticking with college students is something I want to do. Another issue that I could see arising would be finding a way to not sound bias or leading. I want to ask students about the diversity but I don’t want them to try and tailor their answers to what I’m studying. But maybe this doesn’t matter either way. The whole point is for them to think about diversity but there is always that grey area of not wanting the subject to know your end game or questions so that they don’t fix their answers.

Significance of the Study: If the hypothesis is correct, students of color are not satisfied and are being tricked into believing there is diversity on a campus. With the article I found of the black boy who was photo shopped into a picture it shows that people at the school and outside of the school are also tricked. Point out, call out, and stop schools from providing a false sense of diversity, and inclusion.  Use writing as a tool to be honest about what’s actually happening and bring people together to create positive change instead of lying about what’s taking place. People will be happier with the truth and honesty of what they university needs to work on and what they’re actively working on. This would be a great opportunity to showcase new programs and courses that are actually implementing diversity and social justice and all the things schools claim they are doing. Wouldn’t it be nice to actually be doing this stuff instead of lying about doing it? If schools receive information that students, especially students of color look for certain things and notice when schools are faking diversity perhaps schools can remedy this. If the research shows that students of color look for diversity but that they despise faked diversity and that they can tell when diversity is misrepresented, schools might use a different approach. If research has students of color stating that they prefer honesty from schools I think there would be a significant change in how universities are advertising diversity to students. I think the biggest thing universities would want to know and find out is how students of color are viewing their websites and brochures. As well as how students feel once they realize there is no diversity and it was all faked to get them to the school. My hope is that universities stop faking diversity and actually get real diversity or at least admit that it’s something they want to work on.

References:

Henry, Justin. The Ithacan. Students Struggle With Perceived Diversity at IC, Published March 9th 2016. https://theithacan.org/life-culture/culture-clash-perceptions-of-diversity-in-transitioning-to-ic/

Jaschik, Scott. Inside Higher Ed. Viewbook Diversity vs Real Diversity, Published July 2nd 2008. https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2008/07/02/viewbooks

Prichep, Denna. Heard on NPR Weekend Edition Sunday. December 29th 2013, http://www.npr.org/2013/12/29/257765543/a-campus-more-colorful-than-reality-beware-that-college-brochure.

Appendices:

“Verbatim instructions to participants.

Original scales or questionnaires. If an instrument is copyrighted, permission in writing to

reproduce the instrument from the copyright holder or proof of purchase of the instrument.

Interview protocols. Sample of informed consent forms. Cover letters sent to appropriate stakeholders. Official letters of permission to conduct research.”

[aspiringtobewhole]

State Representative David Steffen wants to pass a bill that will make targeting police officers a hate crime. In other words, "Blue Lives Matter." Blue Lives Matter was coined to denounce and discredit Black Lives Matter. The problem with the statement Blue Lives Matter is that "Blue Lives" don't exist. Black Lives exist. Being a police officer is a profession, it's a job, it's not something you were born as, it's a uniform that can be taken off and hung up at the end of the day. If you're not wearing your uniform, no one knows that your job is a police officer no more than they know you work at Target. When you're black, everyone knows it; wherever you go, people know that you’re black, they see it and they react to it unconsciously or consciously.

     If a bill is passed to make it a hate crime to target police officers, then it not only makes other jobs seem less important, but it also makes a mockery of actual hate crimes. Hating someone for the job they have, for the job they have not always had, for the job they can change or get fired from or quit, is not exactly the same as hating someone for their race or sexual orientation, or disability- things that cannot be changed, things a person is born with, things that will get people hired or fired, followed around in stores, or discriminated against in the work place or while searching for a car or home. Also systemic racism has always been in play, there is no systemic hate towards police officers. Police have always been a part of the dominate group. Hate and hate crimes often have to do with power, such as racism. Racism is a system of oppression from people in power. Police (white police often) have been the oppressors for thousands of years; they can't also be the oppressed just because they are suddenly being called out!

     Police are some of the most powerful people on earth, and to put it bluntly, they already have protection. If you target a police officer, most likely you already will get a harsher punishment just because this person is an officer of the law. When a police officer is targeted or killed it's seen as more serious than if it were just a civilian. Police are already seen as top dog.

     Black Lives Matter isn't a group, it isn't a joke, it isn't a hashtag. It's a statement. It's words said in desperation because Black Lives in this Country, in this world have always been treated with less fairness, less respect, less dignity, and less humanity. Killing cops is not the answer, but something has to be done for these thousands of Black Lives murdered with no justice in sight. It's disgusting to me that a few cops lives are taken and instantly bills are passed. But this brutality against black people has always been in place and seems to be getting worse and worse and there is no movement for change by our representatives. It is already a given that police lives matter, as they have been given the benefit of the doubt every single time they've pulled the trigger and ended a life, usually with a black person on the other end, sometimes a 12 year old or younger. Wisconsin does not need more divide between police and citizens. If this bill gets passed, there will surely be more of a divide, more violence out of anger, and police will still be seen as more important than civilians. I thought that police were supposed to protect and serve the community, not protect and serve themselves.

[Something that I wrote for Change.Org again showing social justice writing that I would be interested in.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

Person A: Hey look we got new door decs

 Person B: Oh yeah cool… wait what are PGP’S?  It says PGP on them…

 Person C: PGP’s are preferred gender pronouns

  Person A & Person B: Looking confused

Person C: Gender pronouns, you know like a gay guy might want to be called she her pronouns or if you’re trans you use they/them and –

 Person D: (Overhearing) wait wait wait! That’s not really how it works… First of all gender pronouns have zero to do with a person’s sexual orientation. If a guy is gay that doesn’t mean he wants to use she her pronouns. What gave you that idea, the fact that he was possibly acting in a way that you thought was “feminine?” I myself don’t embody the socially constructed idea of gender and what it means in society to be a girl but I still go by she/her pronouns. Just because I may look a certain way doesn’t mean that my pronouns follow. Also trans people don’t all go by they them! Many of them go by she/her/hers he/him zi/zir or they them! Anyone can go by they them. It’s best to ask the person what gender pronouns that they use and don’t assume. If you are unsure about a person’s gender pronouns, use they them to be safe.  It really is just about respecting people and letting them know that you care about how they identify and how they see themselves.

 Person D continues to walk through the hall

 New people A: Look door decs, but what is PGP,

 New people B: Oh PGP I heard of that in one of my classes, like everyone is trying to do it now it’s like gender something I don’t know.

 New people A: Oh.. I’m so sick of all this gay shit like taking over, they’re forcing their beliefs on us

 Person D: (over hears) Hey so I’m doing a poll for class, do you guys have any pets?

 Person A: Yeah I have a dog

 Person D: Awww do you have photos

 Person A: (finds photos on phone)

 Person D: Aww she’s so cute, what’s her name

 Person A: Actually it’s a boy

 Person D: Ah! See what you just did there! You just corrected the gender pronoun of your dog. Now why can’t you do the same with a person? Notice you didn’t mention anything about your dog’s sexual orientation when you gave his pronouns. Because gender has nothing to do with sexual orientation! And tell me something, why is it that when people misgender a dog they immediately apologize or the owner corrects them right away. But when it comes to a person who doesn’t fit the gender binary we don’t show them that same respect. We question why they need to use the pronouns that they do or we don’t bother finding out and using the correct ones. Why do we treat dogs better than we treat some human beings? Why do we dismiss people just because they don’t fit the gender binary?

 Person A walks off stage.

 Person B who was standing there the whole time. Puts hands on hips and looks disapprovingly at person D.

 Person D: would you mind teaching me a bit about that gender stuff you learned in your class, I don’t think I know as much as I thought I did.

[This is something I wrote for my first ATP audition. I’ve written more skits like this for the actual ATP shows, this is also writing that I would be interested in. I went to Logan middle school and helped the kids there work on similar skits that they do for their school.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

I’m an androgynous presenting female, sometimes I present as non-binary. I have a lot of friends who present as female and are very feminine. They have long hair, wear heels, tighter fitting clothes and have long flowing hair. When I go out with them to the bars in Downtown Lacrosse I’ve never been touched or talked to inappropriately or without my consent. And I know it’s because people see me as male. Many guys downtown and girls see me and think I’m a guy. However my female or feminine looking friends always have to worry about walking home at night, or leaving drinks unattended or if they’re being too friendly. I never have to worry about this stuff and a lot of it is because of how I express my gender. I’ve witnessed many things happen to my friends while we were out downtown so this is a poem about that and how my gender allows me privilege of not getting unwanted attention.

 I walk freely, tomboy shuffle, minimal hip action, don’t want to draw attention or attraction to the female underneath these baggy clothes, sneakers and short hair, snapback pulled down so I can avoid the stares and salivating mouths of boys disguised as men if I can just blend, hiding my chest under hoodies I could swim in anything to dodge the hungry eyes feasting upon my femininity,

Alive and unafraid, I feel free at night as I pretend to be a boy among men as I pretend to be one of them, no need to grip cold metal keys between the cracks of my fingers and my dignity, no need for key chained pepper spray or staying away from poorly lit streets, alley ways or doorways to abduction the buddy system does not apply to a stud.

This sneer on my face that I put in place for when I go out, this mean mug bitch face stank face side eye don’t fuck with me look that I reserve for late night runs to kwik trip and downtown when the men get handsy and grabby but they never grab me, never falling victim to their unwanted glances or sexual advances and power dynamics, my tomboy tactics derail any chances

to hungry men it’s just hoes, stilettos, long hair and a face caked up and it’s the difference between being looked over and given the once over and twice over and again and again over and over they stare at my friends, I watch men’s hands find the quickest routes to my friends and I watch men’s hands find the quickest routes to my friends and I watch men’s hands find the quickest routes to my friends the quickest routes to their curves and the quickest routes to their bend and the quickest routes to their beds whether they want it or not treating their bodies like maps on the road to seduction I watch men take my friends out of safe spaces and safe places aren’t that safe if rape is a culture and sexual assault is as normalized as a Tuesday.

[This isn’t finished and has things that I want to fix but I decided I would add this because it starts addressing things that I said I wanted to start talking about in the portfolio reflection.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

OMG HASHTAG INCLUSIVE!

I want to look into the sudden popularity in the use of words such as “diversity”, “inclusion” and “social justice”. As a person of color I used to see words like “inclusion” and “diversity” as welcoming. I would think, hey this space is inclusive and welcomes me no matter how I identify. I’ve heard these words used often at this school. The problem is that I’ve only heard the words and I’ve never seen actual diversity. I’ve never seen all inclusive or welcoming spaces outside of campus climate or the office of multicultural student services. This got me wondering if people use “diversity”, “inclusion” and “social justice” as ways to appeal to oppressed groups without having to change their position as the oppressor. Many people want the pat on the back and want to be able to say that they’re “social justice warriors” or that they’re “inclusive”, however many don’t want to put in the constant work that it takes to achieve these goals of “inclusion” and “diversity”. To some, “social justice” is just a trending topic. To people with marginalized identities, “social justice” is our daily fight to stand against injustices that we’ve faced for centuries  

 [This was a social justice week presentation write up that I did with another student. I will include the powerpoint if I find a way to do so]

[aspiringtobewhole]

On the first day of class in rhetoric and writing seminar we were asked if we knew what the word genre meant, what it was and if we could give examples of it. Everyone or mostly everyone in class knew or thought they had some idea of what genre was. The fastest way to find out if you know something or not is to explain it and then teach it to someone else as well as give examples of it. This is where many of the class including myself struggled. We were asked what first came to mind when we thought of genre and on that first day and before that first day I thought of music when I heard the word genre. The Google definition of genre is a category of artistic composition, as in music or literature, characterized by similarities in form, style, or subject matter. When I said music it wasn’t that I was wrong, but it was so broad. If I say that I think of music when I hear the word genre, I need to answer these questions that go along with it: What kind of music? Because the different kinds of music are genres themselves, hip-hop, rap, country, blues, rock and roll? And then if I answer what kind of music and I say hip-hop I’m not done. There’s alternative hip-hop which is a genre, there’s 90’s hip-hop which is another genre and then there are genre’s in those genre’s and genre’s in those genre’s and if you think about all of the genre systems that are at play it could be never ending.

Throughout class when something is mentioned, we’ve always been prompted to dig deeper. There was an assignment in class that we had, I don’t remember the specifics but I think that we had to either come up with an exigence or come up with something that we were interested in and write it in the middle of our paper. I wrote Black Lives Matter or BLM. Then if I’m thinking correctly we had to come up with all the things that related to whatever it was we wrote in the middle. The list of things that I thought had to do with BLM were: Stand your ground, war on drugs, police state, ignorance, Donald Trump, police training, lack of empathy, media bias, white guilt, all lives matter, first amendment rights, media portrayal, language, implicit bias, colonization, stop and frisk, segregation, open carry, hate, slavery, institutionalized racism, and colorblindness. This activity helped me realize all of the genre systems at play and the activity systems that go into everything we can think of. For instance Donald Trump isn’t just Donald Trump, he’s a white man, he’s a cis white man, he was a presidential candidate, now he is the president, and he’s the president of the United States, and there are people that helped him get to where he is. It’s easy to just keep going and going with genre.

In the readings we learned many different ways to look at genre. Carolyn Miller for example says that genre is a social action and that genre is people doing things together in response to reoccurring types of rhetorical situations. Miller also says that genre is social knowledge and recognizing social situations. Bazerman talks of speech acts, what is said, what is intended, and how others take it. There is also something called genre set which is a position or role that a person plays. And there is something called metagenre which is something like guidelines or instruction manuals. After this class I will no longer have a one word answer for what genre is and the first thing that comes to mind will most likely be genre set or activity system and not simply music. I will be able to say that genre is always changing, that different influences create different experiences and that it helps us interact. Genre is reoccurring, recognizable and it reinforces communication.

           My project is titled ‘Hashtag Activist’ and what was studied for this project was how successful twitter hashtags are at creating awareness and bringing about social change. After re-reading Yates and Orlikowsky’s structure interaction section it can be said that my project basically looked at twitter hashtags as a genre system. Twitter hashtags are almost exclusively about communication, interaction, and uptake. In my project I referred to a couple of women, who were upset and dismayed by the ruling in the Trayvon Martin case. These women voiced their concerns to each other but also took to the internet; specially twitter to share their frustration. Twitter is used for communication of all types but many people, especially black people have used twitter as sort of an “underground rail road of activism”. Before there was Twitter, back when black people were captured and forced to be slaves, they were separated from people who spoke their language because their captors did not want them to communicate with each other and come up with ways to escape. Black people had to think of creative ways to communicate and they are still doing that today, with witty, clever and all too honest hashtags that bring attention to the issues plaguing the black community.

The Black lives Matter hashtag was created by one person who was tired of Black life not mattering. The hashtag wasn’t quickly taken up until it needed to be used. When more innocent black people kept being killed at the hands of police or vigilantes with no justice, many people were outraged and took to twitter once again and the uptake grew as did the hashtags. The conversation on race in America, racism in general, police brutality, hate and bias is more alive than ever before because of the structure interaction that is twitter. Twitter’s hashtag genre system is unique because it keeps the conversation going. In my project I quoted a passage from the book “From #BlackLivesMatter to Black Liberation”. The quote mentioned how at times when it seemed that the conversation had died it wasn’t over because another injustice would occur, another shooting would occur and more juries would acquit the killers from the last time a shooting happened and like in the reading it’s a loop that doesn’t end.

Twitter actually flips the system and encourages a change in norms. Before twitter, the normal genre system was racism, it was police being able to get away with killing black people and no one knowing or challenging them. However Twitter challenges the system of police brutality and injustices being the norm. Twitter calls out every injustice and racist event and demands to be heard. Even when juries acquit and police get away with murder, the hashtags have started and kept the conversation alive, and every time another situation occurs the hashtags and the interactions resurface and the conversations picks up where it left off.

This is genre, people doing things together in response to a reoccurring rhetorical situation. The reoccurring situation that causes the Black Lives Matter hashtag is often police brutality that results in the death of a black person. In class we also learned that Genre enacts change and helps to organize then redefine. That is a prime example of what Black Lives Matter hashtag and other hashtags created by black Twitter users are doing. Hashtags were not always a thing, but now they’ve been taken up and when ever that pound sign is used in front of words on twitter, others uptake it, they use it, they interact through commenting, retweeting, liking and sharing or using the hashtag on their own post and the conversation continues and grows.

[This was something I wrote reflecting (I think that’s what I was doing) on my Rhetoric and Writing class. I talk about my hashtag activist project that I’m hoping to include in this portfolio. I thought I would include this piece of writing to compare it with other reflections from a different R&W class]

[aspiringtobewhole]

GAY MEN AND THEIR INNER BLACK WOMAN?

As a black woman I am disgusted by this. Why do all gay males, especially the white ones, think that they have this inner black woman who is “fierce” inside of them. I know I saw something where Perez Hilton made a comment about all gay men having an inner black woman and then just now I was watching top model cycle 20 and there is this feminine guy on there named Cory. One of the judges, Johnny Wujek wanted this guy to be more masculine and said he knows it’s hard because “we all have this inner black woman” and the guy Cory agreed. And I’m just like WHAT. What is this inner black woman. And it’s not just gay males who think they have this inner black woman. It’s anyone who’s not black who lets their “attitude” come out. Apparently an inner black woman is when you say stereotypical phases such as “aw hellll nawwww” and you add the neck snap or the finger snap and maybe a shake of your pointer finger from side to side and a lip smack. THIS IS RACIST PLEASE STOP NOW. Why can’t black women just be black women without whatever we do or say turning into some sort of label that defines our entire race and who we are as people. I’m not a “sassy black woman” I’m just a woman who is sassy, it has nothing to do with my race. I’m not an overly aggressive fierce loud diva. A lot of the time I’m moody, it’s not an attitude, it’s that I’m depressed. Sometimes I’m quiet, reserved and shy. Black women are not allowed to have emotions other than “fierce and sassy”. The term inner black woman is disrespectful because it paints black women as only having one stereotypical side. And that side is “OOOH HONEY YOU BETTER WORK” or “OH NO YOU DID-INT” I’ve never even said those things.These stereotypes are not who I am. I am many things, I cannot be defined and put into one category and called into play whenever you feel yourself being “sassy” and “fierce.” No you do not have an inner black woman. You do not own me, I am not a part of you. I am my own self, my own personality and you don’t get to try on parts of my personality and say it’s your inner black woman.

[This is a post that I wrote on my personal tumblr and it was one of the most popular posts that I wrote. I think I could have a career in this if I really tried.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

Dear White People is so good on Netflix. It's funny cuz it's really not about white people at all. Even though they will think it's about them and secretly wish it was about them. However Dear White People actually ends up being more about the different ways people of color have had to conform due to white nonsense. They get called out by other people of color for conforming too much or not enough. It's really fascinating because I see myself in both sides and from all the different groups of black people that they have. The main girl Sam is mixed race so that adds even more of a twist. But they call out the people who "act too black" and "not black enough" they call out the "wanna be spoken word artists who just post hashtags all the time." And they show how stuck up BSU groups low key are. I haven't finished it but I love that these are well rounded black people. Like they for real remind me of people I've come into contact with at school. Only hoping they talk more about other POC, but right now it's bomb af.

Also it shows black people trying to navigate what being black even is to them, cuz a lot of them seem confused and don't even know themselves. Which is what I feel like a lot of poc go through as well. Are you conforming to white culture, are you conforming to stereotypes about your own culture? Or are you just being yourself?

[something that I wrote on facebook about the show dear white people. This is something that I would be eager to write again. I know there is an audience for this type of writing and analysis. Again this was not a serious attempt, just me expressing my thoughts and opinions. But that’s a think piece really, and usually the people who start out are not doing it for any profit or recognition. They just write it and people like it.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

We should stop using the word savage. I'm guilty of using it myself. I know when I use it I don't mean to insult Native American's. It's often used as slang. But it's triggering and hurtful to some because of it's past use. It's not or shouldn't be hard for me to change my language if and when I'm told that it's hurting people I care about. It's not about me at that point. It's about who I'm hurting and I should be empathetic to that.

[Something I wrote on facebook. It’s short and to the point but I often like writing things such a this. Ultimately I’ve always wanted to use my writing as a way to help people.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

Reflection paper on social justice events.

I attended three workshops facilitated by Lee Mun Wah.  Lee Mun Wah is an internationally renowned Chinese American documentary filmmaker, author, poet, Asian folkteller, educator, community therapist and master diversity trainer. I first saw Lee Mun Wah in person when he was the keynote for the American Multicultural Student Leadership Conference that was held at UWL. Lee Mun Wah told stories of his childhood and how race has impacted his life and the lives of those close to him. The most memorable story that he told was a story about when he was in elementary school, his mother let him bring a lunch to school. He was really excited to bring this lunch because it was his favorite meal and his mother packed it in this beautiful tin lunch box from Asia with these beautiful chopsticks. He said that he went to school and hid his lunch box because he didn’t want anyone to take it because he thought they would want it. Then when it was time for lunch he took out his lunch box and began to eat with the other kids and they made fun of his lunch box and made fun of his chopsticks and made fun of the food he was eating. He was so sad and ashamed that he threw his beautiful lunch box from Asia in the trash and he threw his beautiful chopsticks in the trash. Lee Mun Wah really is a marvelous story teller. That story stuck with me the most because it was so sad and so true to many of our lives. This instance of being proud about something and then ashamed after being teased can be about anything. Shoes a person wears, clothes a person wears, or how a person talks or what TV shows or movies or books a person likes to read. I remember many times myself and other kids in school would be teased for something that we liked, even if it wasn’t a part of our culture. We as people often hide our identities and our true values and characteristics that make us who we are because other people make fun of it or don’t understand it.

Lee Mun Wah showed one of his video documentaries on race titled, If These Halls Could Talk which came years after another documentary movie on race he did called The Color of Fear which I watched in another class that I had. These documentaries are fascinating and probably should be done more often because it has people of all backgrounds talking openly and honestly about race. I think that Lee Mun Wah has a lot of goals and purposes in his life and things he wants to accomplish but I know he wants a better world. We were able to perform some skits from Awareness through Performance for Lee Mun Wah and the audience at AMSLC. Lee Mun Wah said that he was asked if meeting Oprah was his favorite thing and he said no, this moment seeing all of us on stage was his favorite and that he had more hope for the future because of us.

I went to 3 of Lee Mun Wah’s events or workshops and at each one he had everyone in the room get up and sit next to someone they didn’t know. He said something like, how many of you think the world would be a better place if we all just loved and accepted each other? How many of you think we can change the world if we just take time to better understand everyone. I can’t remember exactly what he said but then he said how many of you came in here today and sat by somebody that you knew? So his whole thing was branching out, meeting new people, learning from new people and getting different perspectives from people. I think this really goes with the theme of our class. With every unit we covered, it seemed that the overall message was learning and education about things you might not be familiar with. It’s important to take time to learn about people who have different abilities than you, different sexual orientations than you and a different culture than you. When we take the time to learn about people and get to know them, we start to eliminate some of these bias and prejudices that we have. In another workshop, Lee Mun Wah did a small activity where he asked people in the room how many of them go by their real names. And then he had the people stand up who said they go by different names. The people who went by different names told the group what their real names were and how their real names had beautiful special meanings and their faces would light up when they said the meaning and their real name. The people who stood were convinced by others that their names were “too hard” to pronounce so they were given or told to use easier names. Lee Mun Wah had everyone in the room pronounce each person’s real name to show that we could pronounce the names and if someone cares and respects you enough they will learn to say your name correctly. This was another great example from Lee Mun Wah on how we can come together to create understanding among each other.  

Earlier in the year I attended the Widening the Circle event which is the Native American Hmong Indigenous Education Conference. This conference and the workshops were not only meant to teach appreciation and respect for other cultures but also to help educators to be more culturally competent and responsive. The first keynote that they had was Wayne Valliere. Wayne Valliere talked about how it was important to teach students culturally and not teach them culture. He had the Native American students work on all sorts of projects and building things with their hands such as baskets and canoes. This helped them to have more of an appreciation for things. He also talked about how it was important for the Native students to build and maintain relationships and bridge the gaps and barriers. My favorite workshop was with Heather Ann Moody. She discussed the racism towards Native American’s and Indigenous people in classrooms but especially Elementary school classrooms. She talked about her son who was in class and would come home with offensive projects or props and toys from class that his teach said he could take home. He once brought home a little toy soldier that had the confederate flag painted on him. During thanksgiving, the kids were told to make feather crowns and do pilgrims and Indians for a school play. This as we know happens in a lot of classrooms. Heather Ann Moody went to her son’s classroom and talked about how she is Native American and how her son’s friends didn’t believe that he was Native American because he didn’t fit the stereotypes of what they thought Native American’s looked like. She told the kids and explained to them about stereotypes and introduced children’s books that are culturally sensitive and told the teacher about not perpetuating stereotypes in the classroom.  Again all of this comes back to learning, education, and understanding to bridge these gaps between people and culture.  

[this was a paper I wrote for my Racism and Oppression class. I decided to include it because it shows the social justice type of writing and think pieces I’m interested in starting. When writing this I wasn’t intentionally writing or looking to write a think piece but this has hints of it or hints at the direction I would go if writing a think piece.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

My Muse

I can’t keep writing poems about you

Wasting ink, blue, black, or printer

I can’t keep using all my creative juices

It’s useless, nothing I write seduces you

I have to stop comparing your freckles

To the spots on deer

Doe a dear, you’re just a female

Dear

Made up of 70 percent water and atoms

How attractive

You’re not quite the drop of golden sun

That the rebel nun sings about

A cozy campfire maybe everyone crowds around

But then suddenly the whole forest is burned down

So yes, I guess you are a ball of light

Your lips are not pink starbursts

I was drunk when I wrote that

To be perfectly honest they’re pale and a bit chapped

Ok I lied they look like juicy pink starbursts

But you have very very very very very very many other Imperfections

I could break them off into sections

And color code and label and order them alphabetically

But you tell me I act a bit obsessively  

So maybe I won’t

However, the amount of your flaws is impressive

I won’t list them all but you speak with a lisp

Like you have too much spit

But you know what

I’m actually quite fond of it.

[I was either writing about a girl, or I was depressed or both. I think I really like my poetry because during my workshops in class kids would try and tell me how it wasn’t following rules, but the professor said I was the best in the class. I think I held on to that. Well I’ve never really followed the rules. But with my poetry I can really see where I just do my own thing and I think that is evident in all my writing. Which makes perfect sense for think pieces.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

The recent string of police brutality against black people, specifically black men and what would these founders say about the black lives matter movement. I think naturally, Mr. W.E.B Du Bois would have the most to say about this issue. He was fighting against the same inequalities back then that blacks are fighting against now. I think the first thing he would say is that we (black citizens) need to educate ourselves because education is one of the greatest weapons. Now a days we call it “being woke” but Du Bois would see it as opening our eyes to the injustices we face. He talked about how there isn’t force more powerful than a person who is determined to rise. But then he was so fed up with no change that he moved out of the country. But I think he would leave a message telling people (black people) to keep pushing back, keep rising against these injustices. If you’re determined to rise up and break the barriers of racism, then it’s possible you can make change.  Next I would think that Jane Addams would be really proactive when she heard about innocent black lives being taken by police. I think that she would organize marches and protests. She would use her voice to speak for the people who couldn’t. She would talk to white people and get them to fight for black lives because they would listen to her. I think she would spend time with black people, walking with them everywhere they go, just to see almost firsthand how they are treated. And she would call police out publically for the way they treat black people. Max Weber, while somewhat pessimistic would probably say that there is a chain link of things that need to be tended to be before police brutality can be fixed. He would say that the reason there is police brutality is because of power in the wrong hands, and because of the racial stereotypes of black people being dangerous, criminals, and thugs. Police see black people as inhumane which can be traced back to slavery. Max Weber would say we’d have to fix one issue at a time. He would probably start with asking police about their racial biases. Many people wouldn’t even consider themselves racist because racism stems so deep and is sometimes unconscious. Weber would say changing police brutality and trying to get people to see that black lives matter will not happen overnight. I think that Weber’s response makes the most sense. Racism is a system of inequality, it’s based on power, the reason things are the way they are is because it’s been like these for hundreds of years, and it can’t all be changed in a day. I would change W.E.B Du Bois’ reaction only because I think he gives up. I would love to have seen him stay and fight. He talked about rising up and how much of a force that can be. If you refuse to give up until you get justice that’s a lot to be reckoned with.

 Exercise 3.1

             There is really no place that is unfamiliar to me that I can reach by bus here at UWL. I attempted places that were not unfamiliar but places that you wouldn’t really sit and observe. I noticed that people usually think that you’re waiting for them to help you or they start getting suspicious.  I decided to walk down to Myrick Park. It’s not real unfamiliar to me, but I always feel like an outsider in a place that has mostly white people. It’s about 4:25 in the afternoon; it’s cool out and sunny. Right now I’m just walking along the winding street that they have in park area. I’m writing in my notebook because I thought it’d be easier to take notes and then transfer them to my laptop later. There are a couple people here and there, some kids playing on the play set with adults nearby. No one really looks at me. There are random people in the grassy area, their placement is sporadic. The few that I see are lying or sitting in the grass talking with one or two others. I see one or two people with books out. There are a few people on bikes and rollerblades who pass me, some cars drive to the nature center. I’m not really sure what this place has to offer. It looks like you could do camping or something, what I’ve heard is that they do nature sorts of things with kids. They have some benches so I sit there. I’m kind of lower down from the play area and closer to the center. It was fairly empty so I decided to go someplace else. I waited until Oktoberfest got into full swing. I sat outside one of the dorms that is right in the middle of some crazy action, hutch dorm. It was dark but I was still able to see in my notebook because of various lights around campus. People noticed me but I think they were too drunk to notice that I was noticing them and writing down what they were doing. I really don’t fit in with the setting because I’m alone and most everyone is with groups of people. I’m writing in a notebook and don’t look like I’m part of the party atmosphere.

-Group of guys walking, about 6 of them, 5 white, 1 black, listening to music coming from a phone and singing along.

-Group of girls, 3 they are walking towards campus and then they stop and look around

-A girl comes running from some place I didn’t notice, she meets up with the girls who were looking around

-A lot of two couple people, mix of male/male, female/female, and m/f white

-Some black people I’ve never seen, usually I’ve seen all of them here

-Occasionally a large group of mix genders (mostly same race, hard to tell all the time) cross the street and walk up the street in the direction of houses, some in the direction of the taco bell

-See some kids that walk by with backpacks (males and females)

-Police car drives around the block about every 2 minutes.

-Group of people knock over a garbage can outside

-People getting in and out of cars that are lined up in hutch circle

-People on porches and lawns (mostly guys)

-Staggering people here and there who are accompanied by one or two others

After writing down the 15 minute observation, I think this reveals that a lot of people are drunk. At least the staggering people, I could hear it in their speech and see it in their walk as their more sober friends held their hands. I guess I’m making assumptions about the groups of people being friends or not. Many times during these party or big gathering situations, people don’t always know each other. They just gravitate towards anyone who seems to be having a good time. And in the case with people who are drunk, a Good Samaritan may be making sure they get home safe. The police indicate that they expect rowdiness and they’re ready to take action as needed. They want to be a visual presence. I would have to be a part of one of the groups or all of them to know exactly what was going on. Advantages of being an outside observer are the people you’re observing can possibly be viewed in their “natural habitat”. A disadvantage about doing this is the hawthorne effect. Some people could try and act crazier to draw my attention, if they didn’t see they had an audience they might not act this way. I don’t think this would be a preferred way of data collecting for me. It’s too easy to assume rather than know when you’re on the outside looking in and your assumptions might not be accurate or even factual. And as I said if people notice you’re watching they might change their behavior. I think the best way is a more hands on approach where I would be a part of the group, without them knowing that I’m a researcher.

Exercise 4.2

             I would say that the top 5 dominate values at The University of Wisconsin Lacrosse are fitness, community involvement, lgbtq awareness, social justice, health. Some dominate norms would be playing sports, spending time outside, watching the packers play, going to Cru, or church, and longboarding/skateboarding/rollerblading. Five artifacts for UWL would be spending money on unnecessary things (fish tank, a new field house), constant construction, beautiful campus (lawn/grounds/scenery), view of the bluffs, north face jackets and workout clothes.

           I’m not really sure if my college is different from other colleges, or the same. I haven’t been to other 4 year colleges so I wouldn’t know. I’ve seen photos of other colleges and they all look about the same. However, some dorm rooms at other schools are much nicer, and some schools have better food. I think our school is pretty good academically. I’m too lazy to do the research but I’ve heard UWL is a tough school to get into. The classes I’ve had haven’t been too hard for me and I know other schools are much more competitive with more rigorous school work and higher expectations. I’ve heard this school is a party school, but I’ve heard that about every college. I think UWL students drink more than other students because the only thing in Lacrosse is bars. I find that people at this school are really friendly and welcoming for the most part. I don’t know if that is different at other universities, but I know it surpised me because you just

           The first visible subculture that comes to mind are the international students. They all walk around in packs. I see them as a subculture because they dress differently and are not white students. They wear really “trendy high fashion” clothing and shoes, things that are really expensive in America. They are usually from Japan or Thailand or China. I see the black students as another subculture. I’m a black student here and I wouldn’t say we really dress different or walk in packs but I know whenever I see another black student there is a connection. I would call us a subculture just because we are another minority at school. And a group of black people on campus can easily say we’ve had the same experience of discrimination and hate, but white people wouldn’t be able to say this or relate. I would also say the jocks/weight room people are a visible subculture. They always walk around in shorts and sleeveless shirts and if you sit by them, you can hear them talking about weight lifting, what they did at the rec, the meals they ate for calorie intake, etc. What makes these people a subculture to me is that you can see them and easily identify something about them that sets them apart from other students. Not everyone in school is a gym rat, and not everyone is an international student who wears high fashion clothing, and many of the students are white and not black.

           I feel that I am part of the dominate culture in the fact that I’m a student living on campus. I study, I go to the rec, I go to the dining hall, I lounge around in my dorm room, I do all the things that your typical college student does on this campus. At least on this campus, I see myself as partly counterculture. I’m part of the black lives matter movement. There are more people than you think who are against “black lives matter” and if you say “black lives matter” or if you speak on black issues, especially on a campus where the majority is white students, there will be problems. Just last year my dorm got into a heated argument because the hall director who is black wrote “black lives matter” on the board and a white student crossed it out and wrote “all lives matter, accept us all.” So I definitely see being part of black lives matter as a counterculture, unfortunately because there is still so much hate and racism that many people have a problem when you stand and fight for black rights. And I stated earlier that I saw myself as also part of a subculture because I’m a black student at an almost all white university. I don’t know if two people can be a multiculture but as the book says, members of almost any group of people who gather together on a regular basis can be a multiculture. So I would say that I’m part of a multiculture with different friends because we all have inside jokes, and some of my friends I speak AAVE.

           Campus culture is important because it tells you what’s important to the school and what’s important to the other students. I think Campus culture makes a first and lasting impression on people who visit the school and also the current students. There are always a lot of campus tours and if they see the grass is nice and green and that there are many large grassy areas where people are studying or playing it gives the impression that students here like to learn and also get outside and be active. I wasn’t very active regularly until I came to this school. Everyone here goes to the rec, they go skateboarding and biking, rock climbing and go on bluff hikes. Seeing other people active makes me want to be active as well. The school also gives students many volunteer options so it shows how the school values community and giving back. I’ve always wanted to do more volunteering but I never knew how to get started. Some students and outside people came to one of my classes to talk about all the volunteer options that were available so I’m looking to do that. There is also a summer abroad volunteer program that I’m interested in doing. The school makes it easy and accessible to partake in activates that allow you to grow, try new things, and stimulate your mind. I’ve gone to conferences and did volunteering that I never would have known about or gone to if it weren’t for other students helping me get involved through the organizations on campus. There is a new group for queer people of color on campus called “fierce” and myself and others are excited about it. I’m going to a queer people of color conference through rainbow unity in two weeks. One of my classes has group projects where we choose some place to volunteer, so I’ll also be involved in that. Nothing has discouraged me from being active on campus. The school and students as I said are welcoming, inviting and encouraging to people looking to get involved in something fun and productive.

[This is something I wrote for a sociology course. This was written again, before I knew I wanted to get into social justice related work or work with student affairs. This was written before I started doing presentations and panels about these very issues. It’s interesting that like I suspected, this passion or drive or want or need to speak on these issues has always been present.] 

[aspiringtobewhole]

Where are you going where have you been- They say I say

The short story by Joyce Carol Oates entitled Where Are You Going Where Have You Been is not overly complex to understand. The character Arnold Friend and the conclusion of the story are when different interpretations come about. A young girl, Connie who is the protagonist of this story wants to grow up fast, and grow up fast she does. Connie gets herself into a situation she can’t get out of when the antagonist Arnold Friend and his sidekick Ellie show up where she lives and won’t leave. It’s clear that Arnold Friend is based off the serial killer Charles Schmid. What’s not clear is the meaning of the code on Arnold Friend’s car and whether or not Arnold Friend is just a creep or the literal devil in disguise. I would say the biggest or most interesting topic of debate in this story is the character Arnold Friend. There are several different interpretations as to whom or what Arnold Friend actually is. Critics (enotes, lcdwriter, sparknotes) and many general readers believed Arnold Friend to be the actual devil. His characteristics in the story led people to think he was in disguise. For instance critics pointed out Arnold Friend’s lopsided wig may be lopsided because it’s hiding devil’s horns. Arnold Friend is also said to have a funny walk, like his boots were too small for him. Critics thought that Friend was hiding hooves. When Arnold Friend went to Connie’s house he never went inside. It is said that the devil cannot come unless he is invited. Arnold Friend says that he knows everyone and everything, the devil also claims to be all knowing. While Arnold Friend did not easily lure Connie, he did seem to have an alluring charm or hold on Connie that she could not break free from.  The devil is known for his ability to lure people, as he makes evil look so good. Arnold Friend listened to rock music, and rock music is said to be the devil’s music. Another thing that critics picked up on that an average reader might glaze over is that if you take the “r’s” out of Arnold Friend, you get “An Old Fiend.” I don’t think that the name of Arnold Friend and An Old Fiend is a coincidence, but taking out the letters would take some intelligence on the part of the readers. So it leads me to wonder if the author intended the name to be switched like that or if it was supposed to reference the devil or just someone else who was evil, such as a serial killer. In the story, Arnold Friend uses a code number. The numbers are 33, 19, and 17. Again this is another clue in the story that takes more effort on the reader’s part to figure out. “By counting backwards in the Old Testament of the Bible, 33 books, you will arrive at the book of judges. Go to chapter 19, verse 17. Although it depends on your translation, the verse reads” “And when he raised his eyes, he saw the traveler in the open square of the city; and the old man said, “Where are you going, and where do you come  from?” Where are you going where have you been is the title of the story, so that is obviously not a coincidence. Adding the numbers together, 33, 19, and 17 you get 69, as many know 69 references sexual connotations. Critics make the leap that 69, is what Arnold’s intentions with Connie are. One last meaning for the code alludes back to the devil again. Critics and readers alike have been playing with the numbers and coming up with a couple ways to get 666 such as this- Add 10x(33+17+19) which yields 690. Now subtract the sum of the digits (3+3+1+7+1+9) to derive "24." Subtract that 24 from the previously known 690 and you get "666". The numbers 666 are the sign of the devil. Doing math with the numbers to try and get 666 could really just be coincidental. You can get any number that you want by using different math equations. The bible verse and the clues to Arnold Friend’s appearance hiding traits of the devil hold more weight than the math. However I think that there aren’t many hidden meanings, and that the story as well as Arnold Friend is simply based off the life of serial killer Charles Schmid. Sometimes the answer is the simple answer. Although the code 33, 19, 17 can make 666 and reference the devil if you try hard enough, the simplest thing which is adding the numbers together to get 69 really answers who and what the story is about. As I said before, the number 69 has sexual connotations. Arnold Friend, as well as Charles Schmid were sexual deviants as well as sexual predators. The whole story was laced with sexual connotations. The similarities between Charles Schmid and Arnold Friend can’t be ignored. Charles Schmid, like Arnold Friend had the ability to lure young girls with his charm. Schmid was short in stature and stuffed his boots to appear taller just like Arnold Friend. Schmid wore a wig and make-up and hung around the high school, and at clubs and parties to pick up young girls. Arnold Friend in the story does the same. Then there is the matter of Arnold Friend’s sidekick, Ellie Oscar. Again critics and readers have tried to twist Ellie’s name and figure out more symbolism from it. For the obvious answer of who Ellie represents just look to Charles Schmid. Schmid may not have had a sidekick but there was a friend who went along with him and helped him bury a body. I think Ellie is around to enhance the appearance that Schmid and he are just two high school boys looking for good hearted fun. Many guys ride around in cool cars with their friends, and I think that was what Ellie represented; he also probably helped in some way with Connie’s eventual murder. The story has a lot to do with Connie wanting to be older than she is. She is very much into the boys, and clothes and going out. She tries to make herself sexually appealing but she actually knows very little about sex. She only sees the good side of sexuality but she fails to realize the dangers of it until it’s too late. The story is not only referencing Charles Schmid but it also highlights the risky behaviors of teens who wish to be older. The title hints to the main points in the story. Where are you going where have you been, two questions that Connie’s parents don’t bother to find out. The connections made between the devil and Arnold Friend, while intriguing are a bit of a reach. As I said sometimes the answer is simple. The code, added together equaling 69 which highlights the various sexual themes. The similarities of luring young girls; the appearance of the wig, make-up, boots, and the sidekick are all glaring clues that Arnold Friend is really Charles Schmid. Schmid and Friend’s acts might as well make them the devil, but in reality they are just really perverted disturbed killers.

[Why do I like stuff like this? This was an analysis I did for my short stories class a couple of years ago. While reading this over I realized I like to do writing such as this. To analysis meanings and do a content analysis. I thought this was similar to things I’ve read and want to write about the movie “Get Out”. Get out is a socially conscious movie and to understand it one has to be pretty aware of societies issues but even so there are many hidden layers. I like to have these types of discussions and write things (think pieces) about my thoughts and talk with other people and read their thoughts and opinions. I think this is an interesting place that my writing can go.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

No Memory of that

           Possibility of a Memoir: I’m sitting in the library at my school right now and I’m thinking of what I could write for a memoir and this is when I notice the gaps in my memory. I honestly thought that my memory was pretty good until I try and recall memoir worthy events. Maybe there isn’t anything special or interesting about my life; if there is I can’t remember. I have some extremely clear memories but everything else is like a fog. When I think back on memoires, I start to wonder how much even happened, and how much I made up.

           Photos: My mom has hundreds of photographs lying around our house in painted cardboard boxes. The boxes aren’t painted I guess. It looks like someone wrapped wallpaper around them and the designs are those old paintings in churches. I always thought my family was weird. We don’t have many photos hanging on the wall of us. If the cops came and thought we broke into the house there would be no evidence of photos telling people that we live there and we would be arrested and put in jail. Most families have photos of themselves hanging up somewhere on the mantle or the refrigerator or the walls. There is nothing on our mantel except for dust and old Christmas decorations that we never bothered to put away. The refrigerator has rusty stained magnets and a photo that looks like it was taken on accident. And the wall is just peeling yellow plaster with one photo. There is exactly one photo on the wall. It’s a photo of me when I was five, and two high school students we had living with us. One of them was a ballerina the other was a foreign exchange student, my mom isn’t even in the photo. I always wanted to be part of one of those families who had pictures hung up all over their house of themselves and their happy lives. Photos of family vacations, and weddings and baby showers but we don’t go on vacation and other people get married, not my mom, and I’m not pregnant, so no baby shower. Some days when I’m feeling nostalgic or looking for a photo from my fat days, I pull out the boxes and go through the photos. I get the urge to just bring back those memories and try and relive them. Like those days when you get the sudden urge or inspiration to rearrange your bedroom at 2:36 in the morning. Mostly the photos in the boxes are from my childhood. I often wish that I could relive my childhood but who doesn’t wish this? I don’t think there’s anyone who says “no I like being old and grumpy and worried about money. I like always being tired. I like going to the doctor and having them tell me I should worry about things I never worried about before.” I want to go back to my childhood for many reasons, but I would jump at the chance to go back in time and tell my mom to take videos of me as a child. That’s one thing from being a kid that I always regret. I always wanted to have memories in video tape form, stacks of videos from every second of my childhood. I wanted video tapes of my first words, or my first crawling experience or the first time I opened my eyes. I wanted video tapes of the times I was in school plays, or when I was swimming or taking a bath or playing sports or sleeping. I would honestly just stare at myself drinking out of a sippy cup for five hours if there was a video of that. Unfortunately there are no video tapes and the memories captured are buried away in our heads and old cardboard boxes. I always thought of myself as one of those people who had a good memory. I’m not saying that I’m one of those people who can remember every single thing about their entire existence; have you heard of those people? The condition where a person remembers every detail of their life, it’s called hyperthymesia. I think if I had hyperthymesia I would jump off the golden state bridge. I would take a plane from Milwaukee to San Francisco and jump off the golden state bridge. I mean I might do some site seeing before I took the plunge. Can you imagine though, being able to remember everything that ever happened in your life. I feel that would be insanely tragic. Especially if you have more bad memories than good memoires, then it’s just a constant reel of your life sucks buddy.

           Childhood: When I was five years old, I moved onto Lloyd Street. I made friends with a lot of the neighborhood kids who lived on my block. There was a family a couple houses down from me who I became close with. There were four kids, Ashley, Lindsey, Alex and Lauren. Lindsey was my best friend as a kid and I also played with her brother Alex who was only a year or two younger than us. For some reason, I have very strong memories of this family who at times felt like my family. I always wanted sibling and a big family, so I think I liked to pretend that I was part of their family. Lindsey and Alex stayed over at my house just as much as I stayed over at their house. We played together practically every day. I only remember us playing together. I don’t remember coming home from school, I don’t remember if my mom made me do my homework or eat dinner before I played outside with them, I only remember playing. There were two girls who lived next door to me named Tweet and Tanya. To my little eyes they seemed like they were 18. But for all I know, they were most likely 10. I couldn’t give you their correct ages if my life depended on it. I can’t even tell you how Tweet and Tanya looked. I only just keep picturing a yellow Tweety Bird cartoon character whenever I say the name Tweet. There was also a girl named Glennis and a boy who lived across the street named Chris but their faces are a blurry mystery. I didn’t play with those kids as much as I did with Lindsey and her siblings, so maybe that’s why my mind has forgotten their faces. There was a kid named Darius who was the neighborhood punk and looked like lil bow wow.  He had an older brother named Andre who rarely came out of the house except to yell at Darius for acting up. Andre was a polite shy kid; lord only knows how his brother was Darius. There was also Amber and her older sister Gina and older brother Zack. Zack and Gina were probably 8th graders. I thought they were cool when I was little. 8th graders are always cool and terrifying no matter what age you are. Dylan and Kayla are sibling who lived in the house next to Amber and across the street from Lindsey. I remember all these things. I remember playing in countless back yards, and alley’s and the local playgrounds. I remember roller skating and playing spy. I remember getting my friends to help me clean the house so we would get rewarded with McDonald’s. I remember playing school and house and horsing around on my red bunk bed. I remember not coming home until it got dark and riding bikes to the park. But I don’t remember Chris’s face or Glennis’s face. I only vaguely remember playing with a girl named Chancy who I met again in high school- she remembered me but I hardly remembered her. When I was four I played with kids on Wheel Street in River West before I moved to Lloyd Street. I was only one year younger than five. But I have no recollection at all of the friends I played with on Wheel Street, the only thing I remember about the house are the doors that hard large metal lines down them. There are pictures of me at birthday parties with these kids. I remember the parties. I remember blowing bubbles and eating raspberries and strawberries but I don’t remember the kids. I don’t remember the apartment I lived in at the time. I only remember long blocks and a Chinese restaurant on the corner that had good dumplings. I remember the spinach pizza me and my mom used to eat at the apartment. That’s the only meal I ever remember eating there. And I have this memory where I’m looking out the window in our apartment. My mom is taking my dog Seymour to be put to sleep. And I’m in the apartment looking out the kitchen window as she leaves with my dog in the car. And I stay there by the window until she comes back with no dog in the car. I told my mom of this memory. I told her how I remembered that I was in the old house watching out the window and how she told me that she was listening to “With or without you” by U2 on the way back and crying her eyes out. But my mom told me that we were in the new house when she took my dog to be put to sleep. Did I just make up that whole memory then? And if so, what other memories have been made up.

           When my friend Lindsey and I grew older Lindsey started getting mean. There’s no better way to put it. I’m not going to call a 9 year old a bitch. One day Lindsey and I were sitting on my front lawn. Lindsey was wearing rollerblades. Tweet or Tanya, I can’t remember which one it was, got out of the passenger seat of a car that had just pulled up. Lindsey turned to me and said we should pretend like we’re fighting. Lindsey liked to pretend to be tough and bad when Tweet and Tanya came around. Tweet, Tanya, and Lindsey then ganged up on me and told me that I was too scared to do anything. They said they bet I wouldn’t push Lindsey on her skates. They were teasing me and being bullies so I went and told my mom to come look out the window to witness this. My mom never did anything when I told her kids were bullying me so I wanted her to watch. I went back outside and they continued egging me on and picking on me, saying I was too scared to push Lindsey. I got tired of it and so I pushed Lindsey. She fell, she cried. She bled. My mom came out, because genius that I was forgot that I told her to watch out the window. I don’t remember if I got in trouble or not but that’s the last memory I have of Lindsey and I. I can’t tell you if we were friends afterwards, I can’t tell you if her mom was mad, I vaguely remember her little brother being mad and I vaguely remember being scared that her tom boy older sister would beat me up. Lindsey and her family moved. I don’t remember why, and I don’t remember if I cried. I can’t remember any of those events. A couple years ago I found Lindsey and her siblings on facebook. I always felt guilty for having pushed Lindsey on her skates, even though Lindsey, Tweet and Tanya were asking for it, even though I thought Lindsey got what she deserved. I messaged Lindsey on facebook apologizing for it. She said she didn’t even remember me pushing her on her skates. But she remembered how me her and her brother used to slide down my stairs on our sleeping bags and how we broke a window doing it. She said that was so fun and she missed it. I agreed. I missed it. I missed her and her family. How could she not remember something that I remembered so clearly? I wish I had never brought it up to her. Maybe she’ll forget; again.

           Lingering Questions: It’s unsettling when someone asks me if I remember something and I don’t, not even a little bit. Or when I ask someone if they remember something and they don’t know what I’m talking about, even though they were there with me at the time. It makes me kind of question everything in my life that I “remember.” Why does our brain block out certain events, faces and experiences but then remember other things so clearly. There are memories, things that I know happened, but then there are other memories that are blurry, and some I don’t remember at all.

           And Answers: Being interested in these questions, I decided to do a little research on memory. Long story short we make stuff up subconsciously. Some of the things we “remember” never happened. Or they happened to someone else, according to neurologist, writer, and amateur chemist, Oliver Sacks in The New York Review of Books. (Oliver Sacks, writing in the February 21st, 2013 of The New York Review of Books [Speak, Memory, Page 19 ff.]) Oliver Sacks explains, “There is, it seems, no mechanism in the mind or brain for ensuring the truth… of our recollections. We have no direct access to historical truth, and what we feel or assert to be true.” It’s eerie that many of the things we think we are remembering are not even true or that we’re remembering them incorrectly.

           In Speak, Memory Oliver Sacks tells the story of vividly recalling two bombings. The first bombing his brother had confirmed that it was exactly how he had remembered it too. The second bombing, he was never there. Apparently the boys’ older brother, David wrote them a letter in great detail about the bombing. Sacks as a child was enthralled by this letter, so much so that his subconscious made a “fake” memory, having Sacks believe he was actually there to witness the event. Sacks recalls another time when he was two years old and grabbed the tail of his dog. The dog bit his cheek. He says he remembers every detail. But then he questions himself. Is he remembering these details because he actually remembers or is he simply remembering what he’s been told? I can recall a similar experience. When I was probably two as well, I was at a party with my mother and people from our church at the time. Years later, every time we meet up with these people they ask if I remember when the door fell on me. Suddenly everyone around who was there remembers. I don’t remember but it feels like I do because I’ve been told the story so many times. Rosealind Cartwright well known in the psychology field says “Memory is never a precise duplicate of the original… it is a continuing act of creation.” In The Science of Dreams she says “The biggest lie of human memory is that it feels true.” Lastly Jonah Lehrer who writes on psychology and neuroscience, says “memory is not a recording device, the exact extent of its fallibility eludes — often, quite conveniently — most of us.”

           It seems that a lot of our memories are based on emotional experiences. I got mixed results on why we remember some things and forget others. Some results claim that we remember happier memories more than sad ones. I didn’t believe that to be true. I mostly remember sad memories and can hardly think of happy memories. But there is a reason for that as well. Some say we remember more traumatic experiences, at least in more detail than happy experiences. A lot of the reason we remember some things and forget others is because of our emotional experience with them. For instance I remember pushing Lindsey on her skates because it was a traumatic experience for me, it was a violent ballsy action and I certainly remember it. We remember emotional pain. I remember being bullied. I remember things people have said about me from 10 years ago. I often lack self confidence and I read that many people who have low self confidence are more likely to remember bad things said about them.  Our brains determine what is relevant to us and what is important to our development and growth. Our memories shape who we become. I remember experiences of bullying because they made me feel terrible; I remember them so that I don’t act that way to other people, so I don’t make other people feel the way that I felt. Lindsey doesn’t remember because apparently this was not an event that her brain thought was important enough to remember, it wasn’t going to do anything for her in the future, so her brain forgot it. I don’t know what that says about Lindsey but it could mean that she didn’t learn not to bully people and probably continued to do it.

           Don’t forget to remember: If I don’t remember something, I’m not going to stress about it, my brain decided it isn’t something I need, it’s not important. I might try and pay closer attention to why I continue to remember an event. It might help answer questions I have about myself; or could be of use to my future self. I guess when I look back on my life I’m expecting to see an entire film strip. But my life is more like looking at a ruined filmed strip. Even though not being able to remembering things is unsettling and some things I wish I could forget, I’m remembering them because they’re important to me; I just have to figure out why.

[aspiringtobewhole]

Portrait or Narrative Journalism

Disclaimer: You most likely will want to take a shower after reading this. If you are the squeamish type, you may want to skip this story all together.

           With shaggy sandy brown hair and a smile and eyebrows that laced together his mischievous look, Jeffery Dahmer was your typical “all American” serial killer, at least that is how his neighbors described him. Yes, Serial killers are just like us! They attend school, they have friends and family, they have neighbors. They just like to kill people in their spare time and then go back to mowing the lawn. I don’t mean to make light of serial killers heinous crimes, but it’s hard not to when I read articles and listen to news stories on these infamous killers. I’m fascinated by the amount of people who don’t seem bothered by the fact that they knew Jeffery Dahmer, or that they lived next door to him. Or that he signed their yearbook. I suppose it’s easy to think back and laugh in a morbid sort of way that you and Jeffery Dahmer said hi to each other every morning before heading off to work. Interviews that I read and listened to had many people who knew Jeffery Damher personally. They often said he was a “nice guy”. While reading some of these stories I came across one of a man who went to high school and was friends with Jeffery Damer during 1978. Looking through his old yearbooks, he had found Damer had signed one of them. "To Ted, the most idiotic foolish person I know but nice kid-Jeff Dahmer. At the time, this seemed a little odd. But in retrospect this has a very chilling tone. 1978 was the year Dahmer committed his first murder. Was his dad a lucky one because he was friendly with Dahmer? According to the son who found this yearbook message, "My father was a neighbor and friend with Dahmer all throughout school. Well, the friendship dwindled when they reached high school because Dahmer 'became kind of weird then.' My dad was still a friend but not the kind that hangs out with him all the time. Probably one of the best judgments he's ever made, despite his very confident claim that, 'No no, Jeff wouldn't have killed me.' My grandparents to this day say that Jeffrey was such a pleasant, polite boy." (mandatory.com, Cory Jones) Jeff wouldn’t killed me, ha ha, we were pals, he was cool.

           I watched a video on youtube that featured some of Jeffery Dahmer’s neighbors. The sentiment from these people was similar. They didn’t seem scared. The “shock” wasn’t shock for the crimes committed, but shock that such a friendly looking person, such a “nice guy” could do this. This really gets me thinking, who is this Jeffery Dahmer. What was he really like? To people who knew Jeffery Dahmer personally, or had encounters with him that didn’t end in death, he was a nice guy. Even in courtrooms, people were impressed by the way that he carried himself and how well spoken and charismatic he was. Hearing and reading these stories paints an image of who Dahmer was, or who he at least portrayed himself as.

           Jeffery Lionel Dahmer was born on May 21st 1960. He was known as the “Milwaukee Cannibal” His murder spree ran from 1978 all the way to 1991. He was eventually caught on July 22, 1991. Dahmer is one of the most notorious serial killers. There could be many reasons for his notoriety including the nature of his crimes. He didn’t just kill young men; he raped, dismembered, and preformed necrophilia and cannibalism on his victims. Killing them wasn’t enough for Dahmer, he experimented on some of them, drilling holes in the heads of live victims and pouring acid in them, trying to make them into zombies. Dahmer’s weird behavior like many serial killers started at a young age. His parents divorced, it was said that he himself had been molested by a neighbor boy. Dahmer also was diagnosed with a double hernia, which people close to him said is when he really started changing. He had a surgery and after the surgery he said he felt exposed, and afraid. When he was 10 he started riding around the neighborhood looking for dead animals. He would take them home and dissect them and pour chemicals on him. It seems that doing these things was Dahmer’s way of making sense of the human body and his own experiences, with being touched inappropriately and everyone looking at his body like he was an experiment because of his double hernia. As many know, Dahmer eventually switched from dead animals to people.

           When Dahmer had finally been caught, his apartment was said to look like the scene of a horror movie. He had a number of body parts from his victims in varies states of decomposition all over his house. In my opinion what really made Dahmer stand out was his cavalier and seemingly friendly manner. To many he seemed like an average guy. It’s almost as if Dahmer himself thought he was normal, and just had a bad habit of killing men. This seemed apparent in many situations but one was the recount from the homicide detective, Pat Kennedy who entered Dahmer’s apartment on the night of July 22nd. “There was a severed human head in a cardboard container inside that fridge, along with a few other dismembered body parts – and those were only the first of many gruesome discoveries in that apartment. Kennedy also noticed an open box of Arm & Hammer baking soda in the back of the fridge, and remembered that his own mother used to do the same thing. On the inside of the door, he recalls, “There were condiments: mustard, ketchup, A-1 Sauce, that kind of thing.” (salon.com, Andrew O'Hehir) Killers have to eat I guess. I just found that detail so strange. The contents of the fridge really painted a picture for me of who this guy was, the amount of normalcy mixed with this deranged psychotic behavior. A friend of Dahmer’s tries to get people to see the more normal side of Dahmer with a graphic novel he wrote titled “My friend Dahmer.” This friend claims that he didn’t see Dahmer the way the media saw him. He writes, “To you, Dahmer was a depraved fiend but to me he was a kid I sat next to in study hall and hung out with in the band room.” The book describes Dahmer’s friend as “trying to make sense of the future serial killer with whom he shared classrooms, hallways and car rides. What emerges is a surprisingly sympathetic portrait of a disturbed young man struggling helplessly against the ghastly urges bubbling up from the deep recesses of his psyche.” Dahmer wasn’t popular by any means, but clearly he had a friend or two, despite claims that he was friendless.  A man by the name of Joseph Gates in his article titled “Rainy days and Monday’s living with Jeffery Dahmer” describes Dahmer as “a quiet and humble individual with an odd sensitivity and unique sense of humor. His appearance in court, always resembling the smart-alec-yet-contrite persona that enabled him to make his way through a troubled High School career, elicited sympathy and an odd sense of awe.” (http://unlistenablemusic.blogspot.com/)

           The talk of his unique sense of humor and sort of odd ball personality reminds me of two stories of Dahmer told to me by one of my mom’s friends. My mom’s friend knew someone who had an encounter with Dahmer at a local bar. The friend of my mom’s friend sat down at a bar stool next to Dahmer, obviously this was before he was caught for his crimes. The two guys started chatting, and just shooting the breeze. They asked each other what the other did for work. Dahmer replied “Oh I’m a serial killer.” The guy probably laughed and finished his beer, not knowing at all that Dahmer wasn’t joking. Imagine the shock of that guy when he saw Dahmer on the news. “That’s the guy who sat next to be in the bar and said he was a serial killer! Holy shit, I thought he was joking.” Another story was a woman who went to church with a friend of my mom’s. Her son unfortunately was one of Dahmer’s victims.  She was watching Dahmer on TV and she suddenly gasped. “That’s my son’s shirt. He is wearing my son’s shirt.” This was the kind of person it seemed Dahmer was. Saying and doing these absurd things, but acting like this behavior was socially acceptable. What kind of psycho killer wears their victims clothing? Dahmer’s comments were just odd, they were the kind of comments that make you stop and turn around, or laugh and wonder if the person is serious. Another one of his strange comments was made to police. When Dahmer was caught he was talking to the cops and said he was just glad all this was over and out in the open. What does that even mean? Like, phew, glad the cat’s out of the bag. It was really tiring having to kill people and keep them in my house. A neighbor of Dahmer’s named Pamela Bass recalls a time when Jeffery Dahmer had given her a sandwich. Seems a bit of an odd thing to do, but she thought nothing of it. That was until the details of his murders came about. “'I have probably eaten someone's body part,' Ms Bass admits in the film (The Jeffery Dahmer files) of her worst fear after being given the sandwich by a man she described as appearing friendly and sharing at the time.” (DailyMail, Nina Golgowski). Dahmer’s other neighbors didn’t seem as bothered by him, even after the news of his killings came out. His neighbors said he mostly kept to himself and was a weird dude, but friendly.

           The perspective of Dahmer from people who knew him personally and people who only know him through his gruesome crimes and terror shown on the news is like night and day. The way people talked about Dahmer was different from location to location as well. Milwaukee-based filmmaker Chris James Thompson who made “The Jeffery Dahmer files” was interviewed and asked if he had any personal connections to the case. He replied “I grew up in Madison which is an hour outside of Milwaukee. When I was 10, my parents divorced, which was right around the time that Dahmer (was in the news). I used to take the bus back and forth (between the two cities) and I remember people talking about it in Milwaukee very different than they talked about it in Madison. In Milwaukee, they talked about it like it was a flood or a disaster. It was a horrific event that affected many people around you. In Madison, people talked about it with a little bit of excitement, like it was entertainment. That stuck with me.”

           How well do we actually know people? If we are close personal friends with them, does that mean we actually know them? People who had contact with Dahmer before and during his killings saw a different side of him than people who’ve only watched him on TV. After looking at all this information, Dahmer seemed like a quiet shy nice kid and turned into a quiet shy adult. People thought he was a bit strange, weird and out there but not in a way that they felt they should be worried. The way Dahmer talked and behaved was like he knew what he was doing, but couldn’t stop himself. He knew that it was wrong, and he knew that he should be punished. His serial killer persona or personality was completely different than whoever he was before the killings. His killings were some of the most heinous, cruel and disturbing acts that people ever witnessed. Yet many people who knew him say that he was polite and cordial. His neighbor was only scared after she found out what happened in his house. But many others that knew him seemed to just overlook that detail of him being a serial killer. They still claim he was just very nice. Like such a shame he had to go kill those people and do gruesome things with their bodies. I really wanted to have him over for coffee.

           It’s hard to even think that Dahmer could have just been some regular kid who dealt with a lot of psychological issues that he couldn’t control. It makes me wonder how many of my friends could secretly be killers. I’m not going to become paranoid. But it’s just a thought. We like to see the world in black and white, bad or good. But no one it seems, not even serial killers are all bad, at least not to the people who knew them as friends before they knew them as killers.

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Final Essay on this

                                   Serial                                                                          

             So, this guy was at a bar probably sometime around 1991. This guy was a friend of my mom’s friend. He was drinking and shooting the breeze with some guy who had come and sat next to him in the bar. They talked about whatever guys talk about to strangers at bars. The stranger asked this friend of my mom’s friend, I’ll call the friend Fred, the stranger asked Fred what he did for a living. Fred said he was a contractor but had odd jobs here and there. Then Fred asked the stranger what he did for a living. The stranger, with a straight face replied “oh, I’m a serial killer.” Fred laughed because Fred probably didn’t know that this stranger was in fact notorious serial killer, Jeffery Dahmer. Dahmer probably broke into a smile too and clanked beers with Fred. Fred was unsuspecting, as many who encountered Dahmer were.

           Stories about the friendly, quiet, shy and polite killer are constantly in the headlines. Several hundred books could be written about all these real life killers who pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes. But if the wool hadn’t been pulled, then these killings never would have taken place, right? Murders are prevented or they aren’t, that is how logic works. If future and current killers weren’t able to fool people, none of these crimes would have taken place. It’s not always about fooling people though. It’s about people being oblivious, and the fact that we can’t stop crimes that haven’t happened yet. We can’t turn people in if they haven’t done anything yet, even if they show sign that they aren’t quite right in the head. If there isn’t a dead body to present, or a closet full of guns and bombs, or letters talking about murdering people, it’s going to be hard to know that is what someone plans to do. It’s simple, but if we could stop bad things then we would stop them, if we knew what was going to happen we would stop whatever it was if we could. But most of the time, the bad thing has to happen before we can do anything, and then obviously by then, it’s too late. Very rarely do we stop something bad before it happens. We are humans and not super humans, we can’t see the future. We can’t read minds. We can’t stop things before they happen. We have to live out the bad and then we are left wondering why we didn’t see the signs, why we didn’t prevent this. Whether it’s 911, school shooters or serial killers, the evidence presents itself after the fact, and we wonder why we’re only seeing it once it’s too late to do anything about it.

           Many killers, such as Dahmer are able to keep up a “normal” persona. Jeffery Dahmer went to school, he had friends believe it or not; I guess serial killers need companionship too.  A friend of Dahmer’s tries to get people to see the more normal side of Dahmer with a graphic novel he wrote titled “My friend Dahmer.” This friend claims that he didn’t see Dahmer the way the media saw him. He writes, “To you, Dahmer was a depraved fiend but to me he was a kid I sat next to in study hall and hung out with in the band room.” The book describes Dahmer’s friend as “trying to make sense of the future serial killer with whom he shared classrooms, hallways and car rides. What emerges is a surprisingly sympathetic portrait of a disturbed young man struggling helplessly against the ghastly urges bubbling up from the deep recesses of his psyche.” I think it’s an interesting view that Dahmer’s friend has. Of course the media sees Dahmer as a monster, because they never saw Dahmer as a classmate they sat next to. What I find curious however, is the way acquaintances of Dahmer were not more perturbed when finding out that their friend or neighbor was a serial killer. I came across a story of one man who went to school with Dahmer in 1978, the year of Dahmer’s first killing. This man’s son was looking through his dads old yearbooks when he came across a signature from Dahmer. In the yearbook, Dahmer wrote: “To Ted, the most idiotic foolish person I know but nice kid-Jeff Dahmer.” The son who found the yearbook message said:

 “My father was a neighbor and friend with Dahmer all throughout school. Well, the friendship dwindled when they reached high school because Dahmer 'became kind of weird then.' My dad was still a friend but not the kind that hangs out with him all the time. Probably one of the best judgments he's ever made, despite his very confident claim that, 'No no, Jeff wouldn't have killed me.' My grandparents to this day say that Jeffrey was such a pleasant, polite boy." (mandatory.com, Cory Jones)”

           A lot of people referred to Dahmer as “Jeff” which I found intriguing. Anyone who didn’t know Dahmer as a friend called him “Jeffery”, not “Jeff”. It’s as if the people who knew him before they knew about his killings still see him or saw him as their friend “Jeff” or that guy “Jeff” and not serial killer “Jeffery Dahmer.” I recall watching a video on youtube where one of Dahmer’s neighbors was interviewed. The neighbor had this really laid back cavalier attitude; one hand was in his pocket. He shook his head with a smile and then threw his head back and chuckled and referred to Dahmer as “Jeff” saying “Jeff kept to himself; he was kind of a weird dude. Ha ha”. Thinking about this interview now, I equate the laughter to nervous laughter. Or maybe even embarrassment. Many people seem to want to come up with good things to say, maybe so they don’t look so naïve. If it were me I’d probably say the same thing, trying to come up with reasons as to how I didn’t figure out what was going on next door. It’s almost like there is no good response though. If you find out that your neighbor or friend is a serial killer and you say “yeah I’m not surprised” then you look guilty and weird. If you’re not surprised then why didn’t you try and inform someone that your neighbor or friend seemed a bit off and up to something. And then if you say how nice and polite they were, you look stupid and people wonder how you can be so oblivious. Dahmer murdered people next door and you’re saying he was friendly?

           I think this really speaks to how humans are. How we interact, how we interpret things, the way first impressions matter. I think to myself, if someone was always nice to me and then I found out that they were a killer, I would just keep saying “well they were always nice to me…” It’s a strange response. But usually when a person behaves a certain way with us, we believe that’s how they are, even though it’s dumb to think a person can’t have multiple personalities, and be manipulative and lie straight to your face about who they are. As the man who went to school with Dahmer said “No, no, Jeff wouldn’t have killed me.” I wonder how he knows that for sure. But then I think about my own friends. If I had a close friend, or someone I talked to and was friendly with I would probably say the same thing. If someone has never shown ill will towards you, and has been nothing but pleasant, it’s hard to believe they would ever do something to hurt you. That being said, Dahmer did have a type. But I guess if you weren’t his type, you were safe. Some serial killers just kill whoever they want, whoever gets in their way, whoever they see. Others have a type. Dahmer had a type for sure, it was young gay males. He was a predator, and dangerous to young gay males, but if you weren’t a young gay male, apparently you weren’t on his radar and he was a nice guy and you would be ok if he was ever in your presence. That could be another reason for many people’s nonchalant attitudes towards “Jeff” when they found out what he did. It’s like, well I was safe, and so I guess it doesn’t really bother me. I was never in danger.  I mean they know that now, but they didn’t know that during his killings. So I guess it just goes back to the fact that Dahmer was always “polite”.

           When Dahmer was caught he was talking to some of the cops and said something peculiar. He said he was just glad all this was over and out in the open. Like what does that even mean? Like, phew, glad the cat’s out of the bag. It was really tiring having to kill people and keep them in my house. But really good police work guys, well done. It’s as if Dahmer didn’t even realize that what he did was heinous. That it’s not normal to do these things, and it’s not normal to chat it up with the cops as if you had just been arrested by mistake. Dahmer’s comment to the police, combined with the fact that he only went after gay males makes it seem like this is something he really didn’t want to do, but just had too and felt bad about it, but oh well. It’s like he saw it as a simple bad habit he had, killing people. Like, I’m a nice guy; I just have this urge to kill young gay males. But other than that, I make a mean pasta salad if you ever want to have a cook out. I feel insane for thinking this, but I can kind of, slightly see why these people who knew him didn’t seem disturbed or upset or afraid. It’s like I said before, I guess if you weren’t his type you were not in any danger and he was a good guy.

            There is no denying what Jeffery Dahmer did, no matter how nice, “charming” and polite he was. He was a gruesome serial killer who committed these horrible unthinkable and violent acts. Even if you knew he would never kill you, he still killed other people. The charm was just all part of his allure, it was why he got away with all those murders and no one was the wiser. It was how he was able to get so many guys to go home with him. He showed his “charm” and easy way of talking, like when he chatted with police. But Dahmer was twisted. There is something in his eyes and the curve of his smirk that makes my skin crawl. Dahmer was a master manipulator. He would smile and laugh and make jokes with you while wearing his latest victims clothing.

           There was a story I heard about this lady. Her son had been missing for a couple weeks. There were no leads but there was talk of a serial killer who was going after young males in the city of Milwaukee, where she lived. She said she was watching the news one day and saw they had finally arrested Dahmer. Jeffery Dahmer came across the TV screen and the woman said her heart just stopped and she gasped and covered her mouth. Apparently Dahmer was wearing her son’s t-shirt.

[I can’t remember why I choose to talk and write about this or even what the assignment was, so that makes me look a little weird. I liked this writing I did here though. Something I noticed is that I always just write what’s on my mind but I’m able to turn it out so it sounds intelligent but not over people’s heads. I think I find a good common ground. I wouldn’t mind writing more pieces similar to this, it reminds me how I’ve always had a spot for psychology and reading people.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

Creative Imperative Write Up.

The Creative Imperative that I went to was “The media story of Donald Sterling.” I was looking forward to this presentation because I thought it would really get into race issues. I went to the class where this creative imperative was held and all I saw were white people. The speaker was white, and the host or whoever she was was also white and the students were white. Immediately I knew this would not go well. I should have got up and left but I needed to go to Creative Imperatives for two of my classes and none of them sounded that exciting. My friend told me about one she went to that had a black artist talking, I wish I had went to that one but I for some reason thought the Donald Sterling one would be stimulating. I was wrong. I decided to stay, hoping that maybe this will not be as horrible as I’m picturing it will be. I was wrong again. Right away I found out that the speaker was a teacher in the sports journalism field. The kids who were all there in attendance were her students who had to be there. This was a bust all around. The teacher starts out talking about Donald Sterling, she didn’t go into much detail. I feel that if I weren’t there she would have said some things that I could tell she was holding back on. I don’t think she was comfortable talking about race with one black person in the room. She talked for about five minutes about the racist comments that Donald Sterling made. I was under the impression that the presentation would be more about getting racist people off the air and out of the spotlight. I thought it would be reprimanding Donald Sterling. Instead the presentation was more about how Donald Sterling was a “scapegoat” for the real problem of racism in the NBA and sports in general.  We briefly talked about Riley Cooper, the guy who plays for the Eagles who was caught on tape saying the “N” word. But that was about it. Most of the conversation turned to Ray Rice and his abusive behavior and how poorly the NFL dealt with that. It was baffling to me, although not really because this I’ve come to expect, but the conversation suddenly became about how bad Ray Rice was. The teacher commented that she even questioned if she should let her daughter wear a packers jersey because it might look like she is in support of Ray Rice and the NFL’s horrible way of handling things. I just sat there in my seat thinking; did you have this same reaction when the Eagles player made racist comments about black people? Did you have the reaction of not wanting to watch basketball anymore after Donald Sterling’s comments? I was under the impression that this was supposed to be about Donald Sterling, not about Ray Rice. It’s funny how it shifted from the bad things a white person did to the bad things a black person did. At the end the teacher went back to talking about what can be done to stop the racism in the NBA. Everyone in the room was stumped. It was like someone had asked them to solve the world’s biggest mystery. I wanted to shout out “HEY HERE IS A WILD IDEA ON HOW TO STOP RACISM. STOP BEING RACIST.” But I didn’t say anything. I just sat there cursing the whole situation and laughing bitterly in my head. It’s not rocket science. Stop hiring racist people. Talk to people, make them uncomfortable, that’s the only way to try and fix the problem. Make people see that even if they are not outwardly racist, they still hold racial views, prejudices and stereotypes, some they may not even be aware of. And when they are not aware of them, this is when racist behavior surfaces. We also need to start holding people accountable for their actions. The teacher actually made an excuse for Donald Sterling saying he’s from a different time, he doesn’t know any better. Are you kidding me? Ignorance is no longer an excuse for racism. You have eyes, you have a brain, do the research, become educated, and open your mind. It doesn’t matter how a person was raised. They are old enough to learn things on their own and learn that maybe their parent’s views and the views they brought them up on were not ok. Even three year olds can think for themselves. All in all it was a very irritating experience.

[LOL! I have no clue what I wrote this for, I know it was for class though. At my school we have Creative Imperatives and social justice week and other things and professors have the students attend. I’m not sure if I did this for Dr. Thoune’s class or not. It’s all a blur honestly. I thought this was funny because I was so mad and this was before I even started to scratch the surface of social justice writing and social justice and diversity in general and I was still on my soapbox.]

[aspiringtobewhole]

Exit Essay

Something that sticks with me most about this semester is something that we were taught basically on the first day of class and that was that plagiarizing is good and we should do it! A better way to put the word plagiarizing is to say imitating. It’s not that you’re stealing another writer or artists work and calling it your own; you’re borrowing the ground work and the foundation and building your own house from it. That’s something that I think everyone, myself included, I don’t know if struggled is the right word for it but it caught me off guard. Since probably middle school we’ve all been taught how wrong and bad plagiarizing is. It was basically seen as academic suicide. You could smoke, you could drink, you could cuss, you could fight, hell you might be able to cheat but plagiarizing was something that you couldn’t do.

When I got into Forms of Fiction the first day, and was told that we would be plagiarizing, I too took part in the uncomfortable awkward laughter.  But then it was explained that we would creating our own work based on styles we came across in the readings. We wouldn’t be trying to write exactly or take the works of another writer, but we would find that style they used and imitating it to create our own work.

A piece that still to this day was one of my favorites, and I think a piece I’d read before the class was Jamaica Kincaid’s “Girl”. I don’t know why but I felt myself really relating to the story. I fell in love with the way she wrote her words. Some people said it was repetitive, but I think that just added to what the story was trying to tell us. I loved how dipped in the culture the story was. I think a lot of people just live in the now and forget that many stories were not written for or in 2016. I don’t think it was a story that was meant for everyone to “understand” or like.  Maybe it’s because I’m a black girl and I just understood, maybe because the writer was black and I understood. I liked that it was a list of things but it didn’t in my opinion drag on. It only enhanced the fact that the girl has been told these things multiple times. Honestly who can’t relate to being told over and over by someone older than them to do this and do that and don’t forget this and don’t forget that. And you just have little side comments in your head. That story was just really enchanting.

I also enjoyed the Lady with the dog. I know some people in class didn’t like it but I liked the love story. I like the unreliable narrators and the flawed characters, and the ones who we dislike because they’re too “human” for us. I liked the message in it. I don’t know actually if it was a message but the story seemed to be about living a double life and people not knowing who you are because you show them different sides of yourself. I tend to like the honest and raw stories about human emotions and human short comings. I liked “The Underground man” and I liked “Oysters.” I prefer stories that are to the point and not hard to read or understand and stories that start right away instead of somewhere in the middle. The story I didn’t like was the Funhouse story, if I’m correct in that was the story that the narrator kept interjecting far too much. I liked “How to talk to your mother”, and “How to be a writer”. There really weren’t many that I disliked.

My favorite thing was writing the imitation essays, mostly because it gave me a chance to write, and write in ways I don’t normally write. I think this class really taught me that fiction writing isn’t this little boring box that I have to stay in. And that I can make stories of my own by imitating other pieces that I liked. I think I really was onto something when I wrote the creative final. I’ve never written a story from that many perspectives, going back and forth as the narrator, and doing distinct voices for all of the characters. I think reading more stories and finding things to imitate would be something I’d be interested in pursuing further. For future classes I would say to share more of our own writing with the class because I like to see what everyone else is writing and I think that sharing our work in front of the class always generates good ideas.

[This was an exit essay that I had to write as part of the Final for my Forms of Fiction class. The thing I like about my writing is that even when it’s for class I try to be honest. A lot of people write what they think the professor wants to hear but I think I do a good job of bringing my own voice, not lying and pretending loved every assignment, and doing critical thinking. Isn’t that what they’re all looking for?]