As Seen in Seattle

I live in Seattle. I'm from the South. Y'all are strange. These are my observations of your strangeness.

[asseeninseattle]

What's my gender pronoun??

Second place today to ask me, "what's your preferred gender pronoun?"

Um... do I LOOK like I have an 8" cock inside these size zero skinny jeans?  My clit barely fits.  Jesus.

[asseeninseattle]

Your mom loves Bertha

Seattle drivers, Mariners ticket sales... and your mom.

Name three things still slower than Bertha.

[asseeninseattle]

Crosswalks and crossed hearts.

Cross your heart and hope to die because if you're not walking in a crosswalk I'm going to run your ass over.

[asseeninseattle]

It's raining, it's pouring, you're jogging and you're stupid.

The Ides of March ≠ the idiots of March.

Stop running in the fucking rain.  

[asseeninseattle]

Soggy Baguettes.

Watching a clueless couple walk down Fremont in the rain, canoodling while carrying groceries.  No umbrella. No jackets. Two baguettes are sticking out.  They're getting wet.  THIS ISN'T THE GODDAMNED NOTEBOOK.  GET OUT OF THE FUCKING RAIN.  

Wet baguette.  Gonna Urban Dictionary that shit.

[asseeninseattle]

Smiling Hipster. Noooope.

I actually think I saw a hipster smile in this Seattle sunshine... Oh, no, wait. That's just a bulldog with a GoPro strapped to his collar.