I want it enough

SW: 62.2kg | CW: 62.2kg | GW:48kg

[astralmarrow]

When I get anxious I start having very delusional thoughts that I absolutely cannot reason with and my most recent one is that there's hair in my food. Every time I take a bite of something I gag and have to spit it out.

Lovely.

[astralmarrow]

Why are men so genuinely fucking boring like maybe I'm just too used to hanging out with other girls but having a conversation with a man feels like I'm trying to tow a car with fucking dental floss

[astralmarrow]

Fuck it I feel huge 48 hour fast here I come

[astralmarrow]

Tried c/s for the first time last night I don't know why I've never done this before omg???

First of all the sight of the chewed up mushy food made me feel so nauseous like knowing that would be sitting in my stomach made me so ill.

Second of all what do you mean I got to fulfil the urge to eat without guilt? This shit is magical fr I got so motivated after that I hopped on my walking pad instead of reading on the sofa like a slob.

[astralmarrow]

Watched the first two episodes of chainsmoker cat last night and somehow it has been unbelievably triggering for my ed?? Local idiot gets triggered watching people fall apart, more news at 12

[astralmarrow]

I'm so tired of the shock and guilt and utter shame I feel when I see myself in pictures. I literally look like a fucking cube. I'm about to have the mother of all lock ins.

[astralmarrow]

One day I have 3000 calories and then I get hit with another traumatic event that forever alters the trajectory of my life and eat 200 calories literally the following day am I quite okay

[astralmarrow]

Forcing myself to count cals during binges to stay accountable what the fuck do you mean I've had 3000 fucking calories today how does one even consume that much without dying omg omg omg omg

I am literally so violently repulsed by myself I have to fast I have to I have to I have to

[astralmarrow]

3 months purge-free down the fucking drain because some random guy I went on ONE tinder date with deemed it necessary to let me know that I could be so beautiful if I let him put me on a diet

[astralmarrow]

08/06/2026

Plan for today:

2 red bulls (225 cals each)

Vitamin water (35 cals)

Visit a potential apartment

10k steps

Journaling

Outcome:

1 red bull + 1 vitamin water (Total 260 cals)

24hr fast + extended

17.5k steps

[astralmarrow]

Motivated because me and the guy I've had a crush on for months fucked last night and he said he wanted there to be a next time,,,,, so I need to be thin like yesterday.

Plan for today:

2 vitamin drinks cause I slept 2 hours and I'm exhausted (35 cals each)

Half a monster energy (6 cals)

Potentially a protein bar? (145 cals)

10k steps

Mystery unknown dinner that's being cooked by someone else (8 billion cals)

Outcome:

2 vitamin waters (total 70 cals)

Half a monster (6 cals)

A metric fuckton of black coffee

Katsu curry (est. 850 cals)

Baking for my coworkers

Hit step goal!

Go to therapy ayyyy

[astralmarrow]

I fear it is time to go back to my roots.

Monster energy + black coffee welcome back

[astralmarrow]

My rules for Malnourished May

No sweets!

Never eat when alone, only in front of other people AND only if they ask me to

Low carb

No snacks outside of my planned meals

Either work out or get 10k steps every day

[astralmarrow]

My boyfriend is away this week time to omad my teeny tiny meals and make some actual fucking progress

[astralmarrow]

Maybe if I'm thinner than the girl my crush is obsessed with he'll love me instead