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Ars longa, Vita brevis. "I'm Hopeless and Awkward and Desperate for Love" Digital Diary

[chained-heart-deactivated202311]

I miss him. And there’s nothing I can do about it unless he does something. I just keep waiting and waiting for him to do something. But everyday, there’s nothing. I miss him with all my heart. He’s all I think about. He’s the only person who can make me daydream with just the thought of him. He’s the only one in my eyes. So what do I do? How do I heal? How do I move on and forget about him?

c / nothing

[astriloquus1]

If anyone knew me here and saw this id kms

[originalferal]

I don't give up on people. I know, it's stupid. Self respect? Well. But I am just very tired of people leaving. How can they? Why can't they be as invested in me as I am in them? What's wrong? Am I that crazy? It just breaks my heart. Really breaks it. So much so that I forget how to walk or stand properly. I just lie on my bed and weep. For a person? Yes. A friend, a lover, a relative. Anyone, I don't want people to leave. Once you are with me, stay. Please stay. I've been left enough times, it's so difficult for me to trust anyone. And when I do? They walk away. Setting me back months of recovery. They leave without any explaination which makes me think of the worst scenarios. Was I too clingy? Did I say something wrong? Was I begging, again? Was he scared when he realised just how hollow, broken, pathetic I actually am? I am so tired. Don't leave. Stay at a distance, call me once, text me in months, but don't go away. Please don't go away and leave me with a mind that so often turns dark.

[astriloquus1]

There was a time when I was desperate to be in love. Now I'm desperate to be out of love.

I forgot to ask to BE loved.

I can't keep trying for someone that doesn't want me.

Don't like you anymore. I love you, I'm damned with it. What matters is that you don't.

It's okay that its over

I've learnt that I can love. That I can feel so strongly, overwhelmingly, obsessively. I know how not to do it now.

You've taught me to never trust You've shown me how much it can hurt.

And I'm worth it. More than you are.

I'll never love anyone like I loved him. No one's ever gonna love him like I did.

[astriloquus1]

I was sitting in that broken balcony

Watching a little bird

This little bird, with a loud orange beak and bright green feathers

There it was on the saddest trees, that shed all its leaves 

Standing crooked and bare among the other lush tall trees

And right on a scanty small branch at the very top

Sat my little birdie, on the lookout.

Looking for something, restless and alone

The way his neck went all around

Whenever he heard any sort of a sound

He waited a while and started singing, 

It wasn't pretty bad, though I couldn't judge by birdie standards

Other birds flew around, some perched for awhile

And flew away after awhile

My little bird ruffled his fluffy green coat

Brought up his wings showing off his beauty

A sight to see, though I wasn’t the one he sought to impress.

Looked here and there, hoping to find his mate

But now how much longer would he wait?

Now I was watching myself,

In that little bird.

He was nothing wrong

But had to wait too long

We were a lot more the same

Not knowing when to let go

We waited, and waited

And waited,

Nothing.

I was about to get up

This was starting to hurt

And then showed up this crow,

There were a lot more around

Together, in their nests

This one, came up to my birdie

Sat down on a lower branch and watched

My guy didn't care at first

Then he turned around

They were nothing alike

Big and small, dark and bright

But they were alone.

I watched

They stared.

A lot went through

A lot I saw

A lot I won't say

And then they flew away

Each their own way

Opposite to the other

And all I could think was

Maybe we werent so different

This little bird and I

Only he knew,

When to walk away

While I was still here

Sitting in that broken balcony

Cause somewhere, in a dream I dare not say

I see them fly away to gather and build their nest.

[bluevelvia]

Holly Black, The Prisoner's Throne

[typodescript]

[text: "I want," she says. "That's my problem. I want and I want and I want."

"What do you want?" he asks, voice soft.

"Everything. Charm me. Rip me open. Ruin me. Go too far."]

[astriloquus1]

What goes around comes around Like I drowned. So do I let you in? Do I fall back to your pinky and spin?

Oh she’s gone again Darling I’ve fallen all over again I tell you it won't happen again. Been there, done that. Yet again, You quietly call the bluff in my voice. Again and again and again And again.

A million times, I’d choose you if I could. But I never did decide. Cause falling isn't a choice, I understood You walk in and I realize There you stand, And here I am, damned.

What goes around comes around. Pretty much how you downed. So do you get another chance? Was any of this ever a romance?

[astriloquus1]

The boy from forever

WHy do we not have center align.

[sawasawako]

hold on a second man…

[vee-not-afraid]

@insect-p0sitivity tags peer approved

[earhartsease]

oh this reminds us of a poem we saw in the seventies that was something like

you

me

you

me

you me

us! us! us!

you me

you

me

you

me

[astriloquus1]

Look at the moon and think of me Think of how I kept you up on your birthday Stayed up all night dreaming when i heard you say 'This might actually work' (Too afraid to stand up after we fell face first)

Ask a question and think of our games. Think of how my cheeks flared when I caught your stare. Favorite colors and food, 3 things i love? 'You, you and you.' (Now that answer just might be the worst)

I hope you hear a laugh and think of mine Take a picture and think of mine Watch a movie and think It should've been with me.

I hope every time you say that one word you feel you throat dry down, eyes well up and you think, She used to be mine.

A table or Taylor swift. Library or late nights. the sky and a sunset. Pasta or brownies. Your little snores when you fell asleep and my sighs you always felt were something else

Read every story, that could've been us. If only we weren't fucked up But I know I'm not to blame you I know this was karma's fated due These poems are turning into my infamy I sit here, waiting for you to stir back our alchemy

So I hope, when you think of us there's a little smile on your face. And then you realize I'm all you want I'm where you want to sit at the restaurant You know my smile is everything you ever wish to see And baby i really hope, every damn minute, you think of me.

[astriloquus1]

My world goes around Yours turned upside down.

My love couldn't make you stay Yours made you step away.

The blame game has finally settled. For once, I win. and its left me stiffled. Gave you space enough to fall now the void has me threatened.

The anchor snapped in the storm. Always, I'd be there, But only in your dorm You grew sick of this house when you lost your home

This broken boy is new. Baby, I've got no idea what to do.

A picture put us at the start Then the verity pulled it apart.

Left in the epilogue Places I'll never go, Words I'll never hear Colors I'll never see Your Love, that I'll never feel.

[astriloquus1]

Let the nails scratch in too deep,

From the crescents against blood streams You build moons and shooting stars Won't let yourself see the scars.

How far along is the deceit,

Believing this game of make believe Afraid to let the rose lenses leave Let your heart off the sleeve.

I love the living hell of you, {I'm afraid I mean that too much.}

Show's over, doodle your own receipt,

Lost enough of your life Can't let this pathetic love connive Over this fever dream of a discerning housewife.

Please don't make this the end effete,

Lived through a love That most only heard of Its time to get over what should've.

"Now I have to remember you longer than I've known you,"

[astriloquus1]

Can I fall into you now? I'm nothing if not yours.

Can you hear me at all? Standing behind these doors.

Can you feel the tug? Every time it's your name I curse.

Can I drown in you finally? The void just keeps getting worse.

Can you hold me when I break? Not strong enough to stay away.

Can you stop hurting me now? Promise to let you have your way.

None of me rhymes without you, Nothing makes sense.

Can we be us forever? I can't do it anyway else.

[astriloquus1]

undeciphered stares hold declarations unspoken

almost touching hands leave lingering temptations

unkept promises hide dangerous hope

stars light years away illusioned together by constellations

threads of the souls woven and torn by heart

[thoughtkick]

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”

— Benjamin Franklin

[astriloquus1]

The Villain

He was bright and terrifying

like the sun to arrive.

He was ice and a burn

like shades of blue brought alive.

He'd burn the world

and you'd drown in his smile.

Passion and torment?

walk right down his aisle.

He was ambition and the woods

a mess of suits and cuffs and neck ties.

He was a pretty face and a gentleman

with a dangerous gleam in his sordid eyes.

He was crooked lines cut razor sharp just too bit.

Don't try to soften the edges, he's not a broken boy to fit.

Falling for him was easy, Allure to the darkness and all.

But standing straight was hard, love is too deep a fall.

It wouldn't sit right, so you'd change the script,

A hero you'd worship and make to believe;

all that he'd shatter and leave you to grieve.

And laughing at the grave he'd come to visit,

Oh darling, The villain writes his story;

and you watch and romanticize all his glory.

[illbeyouranchor-deactivated2024]

“Connection is either there or it’s not.”

I heard that this morning, and all I can think about since, is how some people have no idea what deep connection feels like. They carry on, sipping their tea, smiling at the sunset in the company of a stranger, and they long for nothing. I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t envy something about that. Because once you know deep connection, surface level feels like drowning. And well, I’ve been gasping for air for quite some time now.

[astriloquus1]

Growing up is when my favourite season changed from spring to fall.