Toadstool Enmeshments

[astrivingtoadstool]

An imaginary response

You know, the shit you’re doing is fucked up. You’re being a complete fucking moron by going against your own “beliefs.” Being the very person you fucking detest and seek in your faithful partner. Projecting on to them the stupid shit you’re doing behind their back. Betraying the trust that person confided in you with. Sure a year has passed and things aren’t going as great as they were in the beginning but that still doesn’t mean you go and fuck someone else without first letting your partner go. Especially when they’ve been nothing but be honest with you!

You would fucking go OFF if he did the stupid shit you’re doing. You consciously know it’s fucking wrong and stupid yet you do it anyway. Breaking your own fucking rules on that shit and for what… to play victim in not trusting the next stupid fuck you decide to toy with. Because you’re the idiot that likes to play with people’s hearts.

Now.. I don’t feel bad for you at all, all those crocodile tears and sob stories that probably aren’t fully true. Openly talking about how you gave your ex’s absolute hell because YOU’RE the shit one! That you’re the fucking problem… you admitted all of that. I thought you were being extra or over the top and I sympathized for you. I thought you were being hard on yourself and maybe you were to some extent. I know some of them did fuck you over but to continue to perpetuate bullshit like that from your end is so fucking stupid!

As your friend, I am so fucking disappointed in you… so fucking disappointed that you would stoop so fucking low just for the sake of it? Were you bored? Yea that must’ve been it, that would be your shitty style. As if you were the star of your own fucking movie. What a “cinephile”… BARF. But the again I’m so fucking grateful that you finally showed your true colors… the signs here and there, little bits of truth you’d release to me. Dropping subtle hints about how fucked up you really are.

I refused to believe it and mostly for selfish reasons. That’s where I failed… a moment of intimacy skewed everything. I believed you so willingly in hopes that maybe I could have you again and for much longer. Ignoring all the almost neon bright red flags for my selfishness. A problem I’ve had for so long and I’m just now realizing how bad it is because of you. But I digress, someone close to the both of us even told me you were a “psycho” from their own lips. People left and right saying to stay away because they heard some awful things about you. My ego got the best of me though and I’m paying the price… as I should. I deserve what I got and now I’m learning from it all. I let you go… not wanting to, catching you off guard I’m sure although I suspect you already knew that I would know about your moronic behavior.

Still… at the moment I miss you terribly. Sometimes so badly that I want to puke but I know that’s just the “addiction” talking. I’ll get over your regular ass and I’ll continue to improve on my thought process, things will get better. Shit.. for you too once you get the karma that’s gonna come quick and knock you so hard and flat.

Thank you for the lesson and farewell!

[astrivingtoadstool]

A Memory

I was about 7 or 8 years old living out in the north western part of the United States. It was beautiful out there, pine trees everywhere and moose running around freely. Mushrooms galore and that petrichor smell was so sensationally strong that to this very day I could never forget it. I used to have a funny thought then thinking that the moose and bear poop must be adding to that smell and how it weirdly smelled so good hahaha!

Now, I know that it was all things natural decaying that made such a strong impression in my mind. I remember it would make me dizzy with how euphoric it would make me feel after taking a deep breath. I loved it!

Anyway, on this one particular evening I decided “ Today’s the day… I’ll wait till grandma and sis are downstairs and go for it.” I had been planning for some time to try on some of my sisters clothes because I liked what she got to wear over what I had to wear. As a boy it was always the same shit but my sis, she had the coolest stuff. So the time came, they were both downstairs and my chance was open!

I snuck from my room to my gram’s room where all my sisters stuff was and started trying on her shoes. I loved it, they looked great and I knew right then that I wasn’t supposed to be a boy. It was as if I was struck by lightning and everything was right for a brief moment! And that’s when it happened… my little sister pops her head in the doorway and asks “What are you doing!?” In the most curious of tones.

[astrivingtoadstool]

A place to rant. A place to release.

I’m starting this blog to release the shit I have on this many folded, pink and bloody skin tissue resting inside of my skull. To put it on the internet so that maybe one day when I die, it’ll be here for the ones I want to let know it’s here. Also for those who are bored and wanna take a gander, those who wanna learn from a wise-ish turd millennial or for those who wanna talk shit because they’ve got nothing better to do after shoving a wand up their incel dick pretending their straighter than a spiral staircase. Doesn’t matter really because this is for my loved ones to see how shit fucked my thought process feels or is. Honestly… it probably isn’t but it sure feels like it is.

So this is day one, where to fucking start? Fuck… I’m drunk and tired now. I’ll start another day lol.