a tick tock tumblr

the writings of emmy grace bautista

[aticktock]

i have your secret

i begged him to tell you

the truth that was his

now it’s mine

when did it happen

why i never told you

the thing that would’ve stopped 

you from the love

the unconditional condition

you had for him

it wasnt my place

and then i blinked

and the guilt sweat through

my truth with you

i tried

tied

my hands

cried myself

to myself

the coward

all the while

you should’ve known

i knocked

he answered

i called

you were there

he was there

everytime

i tried

to tell you

[aticktock]

new comic meat

i'm waking up today

surprised im still "alive"

last night i tried to kill myself

not in any dramatic way,

like slashing my wrists

or jumping off some building

but by living.

the only recipe for death

is to live.

if you live fast

you die fast

funny thing is

if you live slow

you just sleep.

you barely get up from bed

you follow all the rules

and do whatever it is

that someone else tells you to do.

that is no way to live.

the way to live is this

break the rules

get fried

do everything once

conquer your fears

fuck time

fuck hunger

or what the thing that everyone needs

what do YOU need

what is that secret thing

you are dying to do?

what are you dying for?

make sure you are doing

what you would die to do

in every moment

because it could be your last.

[aticktock]

sleeping alone

i think in this next chapter of drawing, i should use some tools. i've always been too proud to use a ruler, thinking the more i train my eye to draw a straight line without any assistance would be the highest favour. now, coming to an age where i understand my ego and accept that i will forever be a student, i must now reach for the help that has always been offered to me at little to no cost.

i can only go as far as i will let myself. maybe now, the fear that i have rediscovered will be abolished when i approach my craft, the war within me, with proper ammo instead of witchcraft and faith. blind belief that i am a master is only keeping me from my true potential, hidden in the dark. practice and late nights in solitude. this time, by choice and not by forcible loneliness.

try not to love me so much. i am still learning to love myself completely. but if you do, thank you. for without you, i would have had no choice but to sleep alone. 

[aticktock]

the almost tinder date

i sat at the corner table in the back corner of the drake cafe she told me to meet her.

the dark corner seemed fitting for meeting a woman i had never met before; i met her online.

not that we met online -- we almost met online. i introduced myself to her online.

we would've met online if she swiped right. i wonder why she didn't swipe right?

there she is. i gave her a wave but she points out that i'm on the phone. she is waiting for me to get off the phone. how polite of her except now she is making me feel like a douchebag because i am on my phone. whatever,

hi, michael?

yeah, emmy.

she was pleasant enough. she's good at walking the line of intelligence. i couldn't actually tell if she was fragmenting each of her thoughts on purpose or if her uncertainty meant she didn't have a concluding thought.

[aticktock]

moxam congress (pilot -- opening scene)

EXT. DAYTIME - SUNNY - CALGARY - 4th STREET - MISSION

emmy is biking through 4th street, mission, calgary, alberta.

EMMY, 27, filipino, long black wavy, unkempt hair. she is dress in a cropped long sleeve red shirt, black and white striped pants and doc martens. her style is hip hop, bohemian.

EXT. 17th AVENUE - BELTLINE

she turns onto a street that is recognized as the arts district of downtown calgary. she passes infamous bars, local 510, ming, the ship and anchor, una, fiores. she turns onto 6th street sw.

EXT. 6TH STREET - BELTLINE

she passes by GROUP SEVEN. there are a four of fresh skater looking dudes all decked out in stussy with stussy skateboards on the window in front of the shop. one block down she passes by a run down looking HOUSE with four punk rock skid bags sitting outside on the porch smoking. there are skateboards on the grass. she bikes into a park. she doesn't look if there is a car coming and a car halts in front of her and honks. she looks back at at the car without stopping and throws him a peace sign.

EXT. LOUGHEED PARK - LOUGHEED HOUSE

she bikes through lougheed park.

EXT. MOXAM CONGRESS ALLEY

she stops abruptly in a gravel alley and looks around. she looks confused and looks around. she see three figures on an apartment back stoop. the railing of the stoop is just covering their faces.

EMMY

hey does ryan live here?

one of the stands up

REBECCA, becca, 24, tall, white, brown rocking hair with long bangs. she is rock and roll and bohemian in style.

BECCA

no, he's in the congress. this is moxam. next one over.

EMMY

k thanks!

she bikes away and climbs up the stairs of an identical looking building.

you cannot see the faces of three women on the stoop but you can hear them inquire who "the chick on the bike" was. none of them know who she is. they continue sitting in silence. the kind of meditative silence that is comfortable only with a group of friends that know each other very well.

EXT. BACK OF CONGRESS

emmy skids and jumps off her bike and runs up the back stairs. she knocks on the door. no one answers. she doesn't look disappointed. she gets on her bike and keeps biking.

[aticktock]

help.

you know what? i can remember those days, those times.

the ones away from here. away from this place on my face where my lips curl. down.. down… into ablivion.

sadness, depression.

it's not easy getting here. it only happens sometimes. but when it does, fuck does it suck.

it happens almost -- suddenly. like a vacuum quicksand. like a drain pulling everything i thought i had together, apart. meta. spread. scattered.

like they were never together to begin with.

thats how far 24 hours has got me.

the financial stability i thought i had three days a week. the place i thought i had worked hard to get to, done. finished. i wonder how easy it was for me to fuck that job up. the chicks i was working with were smart, sure, but hadn't lived the life i had and didn't try in the ways that i still think i did.

is it hard to look at yourself subjectively? out of body, theres a fucking experience.

the drugs help but are not the answer.

the transcendence above all the things that govern your moments, choices, opportunities, revealed.

or so they say.

do people do that? the happy people? do you float above themselves more than i do to keep on the guarded path far from failure? do they have these kinds of lows?

they say -- okay fine… i say -- your ego is anything that separates you from another person. the conscious and constant critical correction of our natural ability to judge, condemn, castrate, crucify, another person from their faults and… nevermind.

it hurts when i scratch my scalp. my eczema is flaring. they say its stress that causes it. i've convinced myself to control my diet to keep it and my mind at bay.

oh good. I'm not bleeding. i check under my nails for any red.

more people have eczema than i thought would. to some, it is a little rash of 5 red raised dots on their arm. a place on the nape of their neck. to me, it is this beast that has lived with me for my entire life.

you know when you see those babies? the ones with rashes on their cheeks? the ones that have to wear gloves/baby boxing gloves so they don't scratch themselves to bleeding to their parents embarrassment.

i was one of those kids. multiplied by 5.

now I'm grown up and through my years, i have concluded that babies are souls interjected back into the matrix. they are playing the game of time and space and getting used to the rules and waking life and memory and the curve ball viruses and emotions being thrown at them starts when you can start remembering remembering.

you know why babies sleep too much? because they are still in the astral realm transitioning into gravity, physics, human conditions and bodies.

you know why adults are awake so much? because we start seeing 3D. we start "growing up". we start failing… succeeding… knowing… teaching…. leading…. procreating.

we are convinced that this world, this rat race is the real deal despite all the propaganda around us telling us to dream and keep dreaming and dream big. we start thinking that the term "drug" is a conspiracy and that the men behind the curtain are real. that the world is a fucked up place and there is no wining. there are only ways you can exist and we are all truing our best. yet the guy right next to me won't get my number if he asks because he is probably a plumber and i've dated ones like him before so I'm out.

everyones got it figured out. I'm the only one on this side and man can it get lonely. she is singing in the room next to me that she's so tired of being alone she so tired of being alone won't you help as soon as you can.

help. what a word.

[aticktock]

dear mystery pill, 

how did you get here?

what are you? 

where did you come from?

what do you do? 

when you gonna............

..............................

...........oh..................

................

.......................ahhhhhh.......

...........................

........okay.................

.........................

....hmmm............

......................................

..............................

.........................

sincerely,

finder's keeper

[aticktock]

connecting...

i was there when you rang my phone

i looked at your number buzzing

im having a bad day i thought

can i tell you about it

when i tell you its bad

and thats why

i look like shit

feel like shit

cant smile

why

talk about people from my life you’ve never met

places i went but you’ll never know

the things i concluded but you wont 

compute

who i am

or why im sad

can i be vulnerable

to you

to someone i know

but havent met yet

connected to

answer it

answer it

he's calling

but then i remembered that i am back to thinking you might be a dud

but then i remembered that i am back to thinking you are a dud

that we are back to me thinking you might just not be real

maybe you broke my trust

the last time you called

sorry

the last time you were supposed to call

but didnt

and i waited like a fool

and you apologized

to me

like i was a fool

with a happy face

instead of a sad face

because that is what we are expressing

emoticons and fonts

this is how i have to read you

this is how you have to read me

i could tell you

maybe i’ll tell you

you told me 

in a week

so i didnt pick up

i talked my self out of it

even though my heart was pumping out of my chest

until your number

disappeared

[aticktock]

beep (wake up) by emmy grace bautista

[aticktock]

ring ring

i just got a call from someone i had an adventure with three years ago. i haven't seen or heard from him since. we caught up for the first little bit, then he purposely opened the memory portal to that day he met me, divulging that it was one of the best experiences of his life.

acid, hail, thunder, rock shows, bridges and buskers.

i lay back in my bed and let the sweltering toronto heat flood my room. i stare into the giant fan pointing directly at me as still as i can. for minutes, for hours and moments stacking, i cant help but blink and wonder when and how i'll ever earn the freedom to tell that story we lived and others like it.

from my room in toronto maybe? or nearly nude on a beach in mexico perhaps. fuck it, i've got to go to the bank before it closes to deposit these cheques to pay rent in two days. cant forget to meet with that guy for that job i might be taking, cleaning up used plates and discarded carcasses.

happy wednesday everyone. keep reaching for the stars ~

[aticktock]

emelia

your bangs so straight 

in a world

you might hate

change your tune

prune

you’re a creep

you’re a widow

what the hell am i doing here

i don’t belong here

you sing

then i look at your shoes

while you choose the next song

and all the while

radiohead sings

i wish i was special

i wish i was special

[aticktock]

a chess comic i need to draw

pawn: my only purpose is to serve and protect you, the king. your life over mine.

king: you fool. i am of no greater value than you. without these garments and this crown, i am you.

_______________

king: wake up and realize that this is all a game.

the circumstances which we were born into are irrelevant. this crown means nothing. i am just as powerless as you. you are just as powerful as me. we are all made the same.

_____________

pawn: the king has gone mad. who are we without a leader? who will enforce rule and power over us? what is my purpose now?

king: i just blew this guy's mind. sometimes, i forget that some people need structure and hierarchy. without it, they are lost.

_____________

king: never mind what i just told you. do what you are told. i am your king.

pawn: yes, sir! my only purpose is to serve and protect you, the king. your life over mine.

_____

king: we must learn that in life, there is a choice. only when we awaken will we truly be free.

let us indulge in this fantasy for now for everyone's sake. 

______________

[aticktock]

saturdaze

the other day, i flat out told someone to not be the reason why a great idea dies. instead of continuing down a path further away from the dream, we took his emotion as a positive sign that his passion still lives and explored ways we could continue moving forward. though we called our partnership quits, we were able to separate our friendship from our business partnership and found a way to help each other reach a common awareness. in the end, we are both looking forward to celebrating each other because that is what pals do and it couldn't have worked out better. this experience got me thinking; aren't we all seeking to do something meaningful? something that give our "selves" an actual purpose? isn't being emotional about something synonymous to feeling alive? being alive? or is it easier stack easier tasks in front of our true calling until we can't feel the pain anymore? it's all hidden in our choices. it is up to us and our will. our discipline to weed out all the bullshit and get to what's real, what's really good. the time to do that brilliant thing you've always wanted to do is now. every second is a second chance to start tomorrow, today. no regrets. remember to be fearless, be honest, communicate and ask for help when you need it. go with the flow and don't stress too much; there is contrast between black and white and one can't exist with the other. 

[aticktock]

what i have to offer

"I’m just telling you off the bat that I don’t know anything.  And if there’s one thing that characterizes my writing it’s that I always start from that realization and I do what I can to keep reminding myself of that during the process." 

— charlie kaufman

i met a man by chance. he looked me in the eyes when i first met him. he was vulnerable, alone, and noticeably content in life. in this moment, he became my friend. 

_____________________

his name is Manju Kuppa. i first met him when i attended a new years eve party at my uncles house. i hadn’t attended an event of the sort since i was a child, so when my mom called me sweetly implying that she would love to spend the countdown with me for the first time in ten years, i couldn’t find it in my heart to say no.

the experience was surreal at first. a gathering of people that i grew bored with once was now new to me. i entered the four bedroom, tri-level, two car garage home and introduced myself to the new generation of introverted preteens that had no other choice but to attend that evening. i saw my cousins, aunts and uncles; they hadn't changed. they still welcomed me with open arms no matter how I came.

there was a family style buffet laid out on the dining room table. as i assembled my plate, i consciously adjusted my brain to experience the moment. i opened my eyes to my surrounding smells and sounds and i began to welcome each rolling moment while simultaneously trying to let go. every second was a time i could never live again and before i could blink, i was there.

the rest of the evening continued with this underlying clarity. i could feel the shift in my mind happen. i was aware in every moment, and i was genuinely enjoying myself. i got along great with every person i conversed with and i was able to find a connection with everyone in front of me through a common interest with such ease.

even when my cousins all marooned to the town square to ring in the new year, i chose to stay behind. the instant they asked me if i wanted to go, i actually envisioned a crossroad in my mind. down one end was the ever taunting unknown, the go-to path that has served me well countless times in the past. the other path revealed the smile on my moms face during the countdown and without hesitation i happily declined. i came here to spend the last seconds of the year with this beautiful important woman, and that was what i was going to do.

there is this tradition in my family where my uncle, tito ed, throws coins in the air right at the countdown. everyone of all ages dives to pick up as much as money as they can as a symbol of good fortune for the new year. even though i’ve had my hair pulled, stockings ripped, and money thieved from right under me, they are some of the best memories of my childhood and I was happy to show them up now as an adult.

perhaps this would be the last chance to celebrate in this fashion? my tito ed had been sick and hospitalized many times that year. i have actually never seen fear in someones eyes like I had seen in his the following september when he was sure he was going to die. we were all blessed to be there that night, him especially. there was no way i going anywhere.

i had no regrets when my cousins left. everything was just as it was. as the countdown begun chanting around me, my cousin michael showed up after disappearing for about an hour. he revealed that he had brought a friend with him. a short, open eyed indian man stood by his side. i acknowledged i had never seen before in my life. inexplicably, however, there was something very familiar about him.

____________________

hello.

i held out my hand.

my name is emmy. welcome.

he smiled and shook my hand.

hello. my name is manju.

would you like a drink?

sure. thank you.

you’re welcome.

tell me, what do you do emmy. 

i’m a writer.

are you? i have been looking for someone to write the story of my life. i travel, a lot. for weeks and months at a time.

wow. i am a traveller as well. i went overseas for a year by myself. somehow, even now that i am home and around familiar surroundings, i feel as though i am still travelling alone.

really? okay.

he reached into his wallet.

here is my card. we should meet and talk more about working with each other.

okay, sure. i will do that. thank you. 

________________________

the countdown happened, the evening ended, and after a couple of days, i followed up with him.

________________________

hi, manju. this is emmy. michael’s cousin? the writer?

hi, emmy. yes, i remember. thank you for calling.

i am calling to see when we can meet? i am interested to hear more about your travels.

okay. how about tonight?

yes, that works. what time works for you?

730 - 800 will do.

sure, okay. lets meet at the drake for drinks.

yes. okay.

great, see you then.

_______________________

when he arrived, i agreed to have one beer with him. the one turned into five after I quickly realized that this man knew the secret to life. the question was, how did he get there?

____________________

we sat down in a booth on the main floor of the drake hotel. the bar was dimly lit, and it was pretty full. we sat down, ordered a beer, and indulged in a bit of small talk.

true to fashion, it wasn’t long until i asked him a real question.

tell me about your life, i said, genuinely wanting to know. a loaded question for man wanting to another person to document the story of his life.

____________________

(14:55) 99.9% of my life is amazing. 

the 0.01% that is screwed up: 

i am going through a massive divorce. 

i’m in the final stage of writing a big check. 

then, i am free. also, i have two kids.

(16:55) they are free spirits.

i don’t question my kids,

that is how i want them to grow.

they have a lot of issues with their mother.

their mother wants to control them:

why you did not call me one hour ago?

why did you not call me two hours ago?

what were you doing?

that, this… etc.

i just listen. i don’t interfere.

my kids know that i am on their side.

not because it is their side,

but because it is the truthful side.

it is what’s right for me and for them.

my wife was a good wife,

but over time i matured and grew too much.

she did not grow.

because of this we had many miscommunications.

there was no respect, no love, no sex,

everything went sideways.

so for the last four years,

we have been fighting about everything. 

i thought, should i take this shit?

live this way for the rest of my life?

or write a check and get out of it?

that is the only bad part in my life.

my business is amazing,

my kids are good,

physically from ear to bottom, i am okay.

mentally, i am okay.

now moving forward,

i don’t know what i should do,

i don’t know what not to do.

(20:14)

E: i wonder what the next chapter has in store for you.

(20:26)

i believe life is a mystery.

just don’t think, move on.

(21:10)

some of my friends know about whats going on in my life

the wonder why i’m still smiling, why I’m laughing, why I’m happy.

if only one thing is wrong in your life,

and the rest 99% is good,

then why the fuck are you going to think

about the one thing that is wrong?

think about the 99 things!

i learned this through travel,

experience and life.

i’ve gone through so much hardship in my life.

not just now, but when i was a kid.

my life story is so different

compared to everyone else's

everybody has their own story

mine was such a different thing.

manju broke to finally eat the piece of vegetarian sushi he had been holding between his chopsticks in mid air the entire story. i understood that he did this not because he was hungry but because we both knew how heavy and important the story that was to come. --

(22:52)

when i was 20 years old,

you can say i had all kinds of diseases.

whatever north americans say,

psychological… mental… and all those things. depression… 

the reason why i had all these diseases

was because i was living in anger.

(24:24) not just for one day, but for weeks. months.

when youre living in anger for weeks,

the first thing is you cannot sleep.

when your angry and you cannot sleep,

you can imagine what the brain will be thinking all the time.

and you go crazy.

you cry. nobody is there to take care of you.

i lived off water and air for a long time.

those are the times i can never forget.

even if i want to go back now,

it is impossible to go back to that state of mind.

impossible.

it all started with my father.

i came from a very conservative family in india.

(25:46)

in indian culture,

there is no belief in any mind

where a father can have a second marriage.

my father married a girl when i was 18.

a 16 year old woman while my mother was still alive.

i could not accept that.

(26:20)

maybe now that i am more mature,

i would have accepted everything.

what he did was his pleasure.

but in those days my mind was not grown

and then i started hating him so much.

everyday we used to fight,

to see how much he can take it.

but because i am his son,

i am staying in his house eating his food

and i am giving him bullshit.

(27:01)

who takes it? he took it.

we were fighting for one month,

two month, three months, six months…

and then one day,

he said a proverb in our language.

in english it says:

if you want to live in my house, 

you must live like a dog.

or get out.

i told him, i don’t want to live

as a dog in your house.

even if i want to live 

just for one more minute

i will live like a king.

and i walked out of the house,

(27:49)

never went back.

in indian culture,

these things don’t happen.

you cannot walk out of your house

because there are no jobs.

how are you going to survive? it is impossible.

in india, you need to be with your parents.

when you grow up and all those things,

thats when you move.

at least in north america

you have opportunities are here.

in india if you walk out

you can not survive.

there there is no choice.

-- he ate another piece of sushi and chased it with a gulp of stella. --

tomorrow if they say if anyone wants to go on a hunger strike

i can go for two months. (29:08)

i will still be alive.

-- he laughed painfully. --

i went too deep,

too much in the mind

if there is too much in the mind,

there is no peace.

(29:50)

i thought let me commit suicide.

because what is life?

there was no life.

everyday i was crying crying crying…

a man, crying for yourself, like a baby.

and so what, even if you are crying,

nobody is there to see you.

nobody will come back and say,

oh, you’re okay. you will be okay.

no -- you are alone.

when i walked out of my fathers place,

i said i was going to live like a king.

i looked at myself and thought,

am i living like a king?

i was worse than the beggar.

in those days, whenever

i would go to my friends house

or my cousins house,

they’d ask,

what would you like to eat?

can i give you a coffee?

would you like a drink?

but my ego was so so high.

do you want to eat?

no, i ate.

even though i was hungry and thirsty like crazy.

can i have a coffee?

no. just no.

these were my thoughts before.

ego.

(32:05)

i thought what the fuck am i doing now?

i thought i wanted to living like a king?

but now I’m living in such a bad state of life.

E: how did you escape?

one day i said, from tomorrow on,

i will try (32:20) to improve my life one step better than today.

how can i improve and be better the next day?

the next morning,

i went to somebody’s house.

do you want a coffee ?

yes. (32:42)

do you want to eat?

what do you have?

(32:53)

see it was so simple.

they are offering.

why should you say no?

then i had my first coffee; it felt so good.

(33:20)

next day, i went to somebody’s place.

they didn’t ask me if i wanted anything .

(33:36) it was then, i asked them,

what do you have to eat?

oh i don’t have anything ready,

but can i make this?

sure. why not.

see, i got one more meal.

just by changing my thought process, i got another meal.

then more and more.

from there, i started a long journey to where i am right now.

but that, that was the worst part of life. 

___________________

here are three rules manju lives by:

1. always try something new

2. always meet with a traveller

3. always attend to business 

___________________

we met for a second time. this time, he asked if i could i take him to an improv drop in class at second city. i had told him that i had took my first class and shared what i had learned from it. he was very interested with the lessons i had learned and surprised that this community of forward thinking existed. it was also something he had never done before and he was eager to try it. seemingly, time was working against us, having him respond just an hour before the start of the class to confirm he was coming. he hadn’t even left his house yet. i expected him not to make it. 

he insisted that he could make it and he did, just in time. the chance that the class was full hadn’t crossed my mind and it was. i apologized but he declined it and said, who cares, let’s just go with the flow. how refreshing.

so we crossed the street and took two seats at a cafe for some drinks and dinner. he wanted to use our experience as an example to explain how the thought of impossible was impossible to him.

______________________

"i only give reasons to make it, not to not make it."

— manju kuppa

______________________

when i saw your text, i responded, i want to make it.

you started giving me reasons how i couldn’t make it.

could you see that i was only giving reasons to make it?

i never give reasons not to make it.

he explained how his train, when he checked the schedule online, would take him to union station with eleven minutes to get him to the corner i told him the training center was on. we discussed this on the phone and i recommended he take a cab instead of walking or taking the street car. he left the house immediately after my phone call and when he got to the station earlier than the time the train was scheduled to leave, a train appeared instantly.

maybe i read wrong, i don't know.

he got to union station fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. he was pleased to revert back to the plan of taking the street car to the destination now that he was early.

when he got on the streetcar, he remembered i had said that the training centre was below the shoppers drug mart on king st and peter. he had no idea where that was or how long it would take him, so when he saw the store sign pass, he pulled the cable for the street car to stop.

he headed in the direction where he came from. he thought to cross the street to ask where 388 king street was, the address of the corner i gave him. one of two of the bartenders directed him and at six o’clock, he found his way to the corner in front of the shoppers drug mart. this is where he found me waiting.

when i saw him approach me, i had only been waiting three minutes. when we greeted each other, he asked me how long had i been waiting. 

not long, i said. only three minutes.

now that we were sitting at a restaurant, battling the absurdity of the bruschetta the waitress recommended, he was able to share his revelation when we met.

why did you think to wait there?

i have the mind of a traveller. when i say a corner and a time, i am there without any excuses. so when i told you to meet me at the corner, 388 king street, in front of the shoppers drug mart, i thought about how easy it would be to miss the entrance of the training centre, it being just around the corner. 

okay,

i waited right where i told you to go. now, knowing you and how your mind works, i knew it wouldn’t take long for you to find me. even though i tried calling you and your phone was dead, there was no doubt in my mind that you were going to make it.

i see. plus, it is so cold outside!

i laughed, i know. it didn’t matter. 

see, emmy, i never expected you to be waiting there. i was surprised to see you waiting there on the corner in the cold. this just reinforces that we have like minds.

i couldn’t agree more, manju.

__________________________

a person looking to expand his horizons.

a traveller who understands the beauty of meandering. 

a realist acknowledging chance.

a man undefined by his successes in life.

a businessman seeking the truth.

a struggling human looking to be understood.

a father owning his vulnerability.

an adult looking for personal growth.

a master salesman with a soul

a wealthy man living a backpacker life.

a simple person looking to simply be happy.

a intellect not afraid of the unknown.

a mortal living life fearlessly.

____________________

who is manju kuppa

manju is that short indian man, dancing by himself in the middle of the dance floor at a club you’re at. you instantly deem him crazy because he is weird and his reasons are unknown to you, but you can’t help but look. some giggle, some mock him. but there is some part of everyone that thinks about dancing with him. few of you do and let me tell you, when you do, he will smile at you and kindly dance with you. maybe he’ll grab your hand. in this moment, you will realize you have never had this moment before.

my next story is about a man that inspires me. if you have any idea where that adventure might lead me, then please, don’t tell me. because right now, the only thing i’m certain of: i’ll be dancing all the way.

____________________________________________

[aticktock]

i dont give a fuck

life is fleeting. i write what i think

and i think what i think; cock. dick. balls.

my thoughts are mine and i do what i want with them.

where do they come from? where will they go?

they wander in, i grab hold of them,

decide what to do with them,

and then like dust in the wind, they fuck right off.

they are disposable. some more than others. 

these words right here, the ones that you are reading,

are a function. a form of release.

some haunt me until i find a way to free them,

and in turn, myself. i didn't ask to be human.

i didn't ask to have a conscious,

thumping brain or passion for anything.

yet here i am. here we all are if we choose to accept it.

if we choose to be living, be conscious, be self aware,

above all, be grateful.

whatever, this is all bullshit anyhow.

life is bullshit, these words are bullshit,

thoughts and experiences are all bullshit…

experiences, ego… bullshit...

i only practice living the best way i can,

honest and truthfully.

i dig whatever wants out. do you?

[aticktock]

You're It - Alan Watts

[aticktock]

holy shit

i just realized i am living what i dreamed i would be doing this past august. i remember it clearly: i was living in calgary, sitting on becca and jodi's moxam stoop in silence, seeing weekends with my parents and succumbing to artist life back home in toronto. that was a dream i had when i was in manila, sitting infront of the house my dad grew up in, on route to see my moms hometown. it was so vivid; i remember vocalizing and manifesting my return to both calgary and toronto to my friend nickie and we still trip out about how it all happened. i remember dreaming the dream of manila and seeing where my parents grew up for the first time when i was living a domesticated snowboarders dream with my boyfriend at the time in calgary. i saw adventures of japan, thailand, and australia in the transition from canada to the philippines. i remember it hurt to leave a relationship in the past after having the essence of him and that time come true after my college roommate and i dared it to happen before i left ontario in 2009, but dreams are meant to be followed and paths do separate. you can only trust in them and be grateful and that i am.

love life. trust your heart and live in zero fear and life will love you back if you live in love. always always always be grateful. stay balanced. always forgive. practice purpose. meditation will save you. consciousness will guide you. discipline is learned and never lost. health is healing. healing is health. there is harmony in all times. happiness is simple. love is everything. peace is inside.