I went to a gaming swap meet and got some cool cool shit - things I wasn't expecting to pick up! Like, dang.
$LAYYYTER

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YOU ARE THE REASON
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Today's Document
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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@atomicstgtf
I went to a gaming swap meet and got some cool cool shit - things I wasn't expecting to pick up! Like, dang.
Team Balancing
"What? I'm not playing nice? You gonna cry, girlie? Good. If you're gonna play with the pros, you gotta man up. Oh? What's that? You gonna make me pay? How? You'll 'make me see what it's like'? What are you talking about, lady? You're nuts. God, I wish you weren't on my team. It's so much easier playing with a-"
*POOF! KA-CHANGE!"
"dude..."
(image from Sutibaru)
"I know you told me not to use the remote but, come on, you left me home all weekend. You have all these magic gizmos lying about and how could I not play with one of 'em? I thought a few button presses on this normal looking remote couldn't do much... but when I found it could transform me, well, I couldn't stop! I mean, come on, how could I resist? I wanted to switch back before you got home but the batteries died.
Huh?
What do you mean this thing doesn't run on batteries?!? It only has one charge?!?"
Dear Consumer,
Retail workers are not a hive mind.
We're not on the same page. We're not the Borg. You are not the lead in Pluribus.
To quote Helen Parr: "This is not about YOU."
Sometimes I practice my fire juggling in the most flammable shopping isles.
nooooooo I have to go to work. I feel like a Ripley clone in the fourth Alien movie
"kill me kill me"
Look Familiar
"Hey, Mom. Remember this thing?"
"Oh, my goodness. Sandra, where on earth did you find-"
"It was in your old clothes box, buried in the garage. You know, with your smaller stuff? Cool, huh? I'd wear something of mine, but I forgot my bathing suit back at the dorm. I gotta have something sexy for the beach trip. Nice style, Mom. Can't believe this used to fit you. You don't mind, do you?"
"Well... Um... no, dear. I don't mind. *sigh* You can have that suit... "
"Really?"
"... Seeing that it's too small."
"Oh... Crap... I'm... Sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to-"
"It's ok, honey. It's fine. Your old chubby mother said goodbye to two pieces, a long time ago. Don't you worry."
"Awesome! Thanks. Seriously, this is so sick looking. Damn, this bikini fits good on me."
"What you do need to worry about, young lady, is being able to stay that fit."
*Sandra's flat tummy audibly growls*
*RUMBLE RUMBLE*
"Hmmm? (Damn. I just ate. Why am I SO hungry right now? I could really go for some fries.)"
"It happens in our family, Sandra. It happened to me."
"What happened?"
"I lost the battle."
"What battle?"
"The battle to stay impossibly skinny."
"Oh, Mom, please. Not again."
"I mean it, honey. It crept up on me and it will creep up on you, too."
"No way."
"Yes way. Just because you grew out of being a little chubby kid doesn't mean you can't grow into a big chubby teenager."
"Mom, you're overreacting."
"I know... I know... I just worry about you. I want you to be ready for your changing body."
"Oh my God, Mom -Stop! This is so embarrassing! I'm nineteen. I've gone through puberty already."
"I'm talking about putting on weight."
"I know you are. It's annoying. Please, I'm young and active."
"And? Are you eating well?"
"I'm eating well... ahem... enough... "
"Sandra... "
"Come on, Mom. I'm watching what I eat. If the college caf is serving pizza... I only eat two slices."
"Two?!? For goodness sake. And?"
"A small soda."
"That's going to catch up with you, young lady."
"Oh, now you're body shaming me?"
"No, honey. I just... I just don't want you... I don't want..."
"What? You don't want me to get fat like you?"
"Sandra Elizabeth Marcus, you watch that tone."
"I'm sorry, Mom."
"Hmfff. You know, I don't think you're that sorry."
"Huh?"
"I don't think you realize how difficult it was for me - gaining all this weight."
"Jeeze. I said I was sorry, Mom."
"Then, be quiet and listen."
"Ok... "
"You know, it was bizarre when I lost my figure. Back when I looked like you, I never could have imagined being so much more. One day I woke up fine and fit and then, I felt it, something following right behind me... "
*BOOIINGG!!*
("Huh?! What was that? Whoa. Why's my butt looking so weird today?")
"Of course, I looked away. That extra flab on my tush was probably a trick of the light. That couldn't have been mine. Me? A bubble butt? Not me!"
("Um, what the hell is happening back there. There's no way.")
"What beautiful carefree, thin girl wouldn't dismiss it? But, when the weight found other places to linger, that was much harder to ignore."
"(Is this for real? This top has some serious lift.) My chest... Holy shit. (Fuck, yeah. I'm stacked! How'd I not see these this morning?) Mom, I think something's happened to me- I think something's up with my top- "
"But, being the ignorant young woman that I was, not to mention, a blonde airhead like my future daughter..."
"Hey! Mom! I'm... wait... what was I talking about? Hmmm. Whatever. Nevermind."
"... I flashed my fat top and thick hips for any slobbering cute boy around."
("Mmmnnn. This bikini makes me look hotter than ever. My girls are on full display. My ass is cute as hell.)
"It wasn't until I was huffing up the stairs every morning, that I noticed the downside to my voluptuous additions."
"Burp! What'd ya say?"
"I started to feel constantly bloated. Fuller. Thicker. Slower. It was pretty obvious to those around me that I was taking up more space than I was a few months beforehand."
("Feel so... So... heavy.")
*BLORCH BLOOOP*
"My wardrobe shrank without me noticing."
"(Am I trippin'? Why do my hips look like that? Have they always stuck out so far?) But, uh, weren't you always curvy, Mom?"
"An hourglass can only take so much sand, hon. Eventually, my bust and butt exported their chub elsewhere."
"You don't mean..."
"My dump truck of an rear end? Oh yeah."
"Wait, no!"
"What's wrong, honey?"
"Mom, I'm confused. Are you talking about yourself in this story or is it about me?"
"I'm talking about me, silly girl. Unless, you're looking behind and seeing something familiar?"
"Familiar? Mom, you're being ridiculous again. What are you talking about- gasp!-
What is going on back th- NO!"
"I had the same reaction, dear."
"My ass! How in the actual fu-"
"That, too. Oh, the memories."
"But, this is a story, about you, right? The past? This isn't... I mean, how could this be happening... to me?"
"I asked myself the same question, Sandra. How could my skinny body be blowing up so quickly? 'How could this be happening to me?' Well, obviously, after the endless sorority keggers..."
*Sandra's changing body quickly fills up like a stretchy water balloon wrapped around the end of a garden faucet turned full blast.*
"AAAAAAGHH!!"
"I gained so much weight in my tummy and face. Got a double chin and a paunch."
*POOCH TREMBLE*
"NOOOOO-"
"Never saying no to Burger Night on campus gave me hippo hips and thunder thighs."
*QUIVER QUAKE*
"-OOOOOO!!"
"I swear, I could hear every extra scoop of double chocolate ice cream I picked up at that corner convenience store stretching my fat ass wider and wider. Months later, I remember, looking in the mirror, wearing that old bikini, being as big as an amateur sumo wrestler, screaming at myself: "
"I can't be the FAT GIRL!!-
-NOT ME!!!"
*THWUMMP!!*
"That's right, Sandra. That's exactly what I said when I reached that size. Total denial."
"How? What? When? My body. My butt. It's go- Where did it... How?! Mom, whaaaaaat... what's going on? This doesn't make sense. How could I... I don't feel right. I don't feel like me. I feel... different."
"Aw, honey. You don't look any different than you usually do. You look fine."
"Are *pant pant* are you sure? Because I feel really stuffed up. Swollen. Hot. Like, even my hands feel weird. And, I can't move my arms the same way. My thighs keep bumping together. (Why are my damn feet glued to the floor?) My neck - nnnnk - *pant* - I don't know if I can bend it. Is this allergies? Am I sick? I even sound weird, Mom."
"Well, maybe this old, skinny mini bikini is a little too mini for you - a little too tight? You ever think about that?"
"Too small? But, it's a perfect size. It looks great on me."
"Honey, come now. How'd you manage to get this tiny, stringy thing on anyway?"
"I just put this on five seconds ago, Mom. You saw me in it. It fits like a glove. Shows off my sexy bod. Look how it - hnnnk - wraps around my tight ahh ahhh?? (This isn't mine. This can't be mine.)"
*pat pat, JIGGLE, WUB*
"I'm looking, sweetheart. Are you sure you want to go out in the sun wearing something so, what's the kindest way to put this, revealing?"
"Um, yeah, I do! I have to show some skin. Hell, you didn't have a problem with your old bikini when you gifted it to me, like, a minute ago. Look at my little pooch... belly... Uh, I mean, my waist. I'm not hiding this sexy, flat midriff under a T-shirt. If you got it, flaunt it. *poke* Right? Wait. Where did this come from? Uh, what even is all this?"
"That's some of the skin you were talking about."
"Pfft. Swimsuits are supposed to be revealing, Mom. Duuh. (Seriously, what is all this? I've never seen it before. Why's my bellybutton turned the other way? And where... the hell... are my feet???)"
"Maybe not that revealing, Sandra. I don't think you've noticed or admitted it to yourself yet."
"W-what is it?"
"Be honest. You've put on weight, dear."
"Mom! Stop! Quit it, already! COME ON!"
"Relax! It's ok, Sandra. Like I said, these things happen - sometimes quicker than you expect."
"What weight? This is nothing. *pant* I don't see a problem. You can barely see it. I can barely see it. No one talks about it. *gasp* Hnnnk. It's just the Freshman 15. You're overreacting. Phew. (Jesus fuck, why am I breathing so hard? I'm just moving my arms.)"
"Nice try, big girl, but you're sweating just standing here talking to me. Mom says the beach trip is off until you're healthier. I'm not going to have my oversized daughter follow in my unhealthy footsteps. Now that you're visiting home, I'm putting you on a diet!"
"What? (Also, oversized? Come on. It's not that much!) No fucking way! That's so unfair. I'm not going on a stupid diet! I've never been on a diet! You suck! You should diet, fatty!"
"Ok. That is it, young woman. Last straw. You take off that ridiculous dental floss you're wearing, and get changed, right now!"
"But, Mom!"
"But nothing, big butt. Change into your sweats and start on your chores - mow the lawn. Maybe some activity will help you change your attitude... and your size."
"Aw, man... All I wanted to do was go to the beach."
[cropped images from artist Bojay]
"I gotta hand it to you, big sis. That spell book you bought really does work wonders. It's a real bummer you left it lying around."
"Change me back, Liz! This isn't fun-*crack*-ny."
"Ha! Your voice. Awww. You even sound younger."
"No... it's impossible."
"Believe it, junior. Mmmnnn. Meanwhile, I sound sexy as hell."
"Liz, come on. Stop messing around. I don't want to be the kid sister."
"It'll only be for the night. I'm going to hit up that house party across town with Steve."
"My boyfriend? The fuck no, you're not!"
"Why not? You've been calling him your ex for a month. Sounds to me like he's available."
"Whatever. You won't have a chance. He's a boob guy, and what you're sporting, won't turn heads. Good luck."
"Well, I guess I'll have to make my own luck."
"How... wait... what are you doing... Get away from me! Ow! No! Please! Let go! Stop it! Come on, Liz, this isn't fair!"
"Come here, you. Nope, can't squirm out of it. And... *thump* Pinned! You're too little to go out anyway, squirt. What are a few more inches going to hurt?"
*Liz starts another incantation.*
"Nooooooo. I'm already tiny. I don't want to be shorter!!! Get off me! Your dumb fat body is crushing me! Please, Liz. I don't want to -" *psshhhh shrink* "get any" *pttthhh shrink* "smaller." *bweeeooooo SHRINK*
"'Fat body?' I'll show you fat. I just need a little more of your mass to give myself-" *brumf swell* "a much bigger" *brumf goosh* "advantage." *bloosh bwomf*
"No... I'm so puny already... I... can't... believe... what... is... is touching... what is that??? nnnkkk... I can't lift my head! No. Wait. Are... those... are those your stupid BOOBS???"
"I think having tits the size of a human head should get me noticed, huh, little sis?"
"I can't believe I left the book out... "
Cindy: So, talk whenever?
Archivist/cameraman: Yeah. I'm on. Go whenever.
Cindy: *ahem* Yes, well, hi! I mean, hello! I'm Cindy -censored- and I'm here at The Golden Star Rejuvenation Clinic in Palmetto Bay.
Cindy: (whispering) Is that ok?
Cameraman: (whispering) Yeah. Yeah. We can edit around it. Just keep going. Natural, remember?
Cindy: Right... My best friend Rose and I won a full paid weekend at The Golden Star. We won an online sweepstakes. I'm so excited. I've heard such good things about this place. All the famous people come here. They say you can come out looking like a new you.
*awkward silence*
Cindy: Hmm. Heh. Anyway, Rose should be finishing up her Deluxe Star treatment package soon. It's been over three hours. They only let one person in at a time. It's this huge, well kept trade secret. For legal reasons, I can't even tell you about what this place looks like... or what they actually do here.
[audio of a metal security door is heard off screen]
Cindy: That must be her. I- w-what? Pink? Who is-
R-Rose??? Is that you? Oh, my God. Those legs. That chest. You- You're huge!
Rose: Mmm hmm.
Cindy: ok you're going straight in for the hug and hello new eye level boobs
Rose: You're up next, shorty
Cindy: So, talk whenever?
Archivist/cameraman: Yeah. I'm on. You can start.
Cindy: *ahem* Yes, well, hi! I mean, hello! I'm Cindy -censored- and I'm here at The Golden Star Rejuvenation Clinic in Palmetto Bay.
Cindy: (whispering) Is that ok?
Cameraman: (whispering) Yeah. Yeah. We can edit around it. Just keep going. Natural, remember?
Cindy: Right... My best friend Rose and I won a full paid weekend at The Golden Star. We entered an online sweepstakes and well, here we are. I'm so excited. I've heard such good things about this place. All the famous people come here. They say you can come out looking like a new you.
*awkward silence*
Cindy: Hmm. Heh. Anyway, Rose should be finishing up her Deluxe Star treatment package soon. It's been over three hours. They only let one person in at a time. It's this huge, well kept trade secret. For legal reasons, I can't even tell you about what this place looks like... or what they actually do here.
[audio of a metal security door is heard off screen]
Cindy: That must be her. I- w-what? Pink? Who is-
R-Rose??? Is that you? Oh, my God. Those legs. That chest. You- You're huge!
Rose: Mmm hmm.
Cindy: ok you're going straight in for the hug and hello new eye level boobs
Rose: You're up next, shorty.
I freakin' love space travel.
Go Artemis II!!!
I've been scrapping for cash lately and I can honestly say,
Doordash needs to be thrown into the biggest hole on Earth and buried under the weight of a trillion Dasher bags.
Wanna be taken advantage of? Want to be constantly monitored? Want to be poorly compensated? Want to bleed money?
Well, we got ya covered with one of the biggest, jankiest and most unreasonable apps ever created.
Is it rush hour? Well, of course we're going to send you across the city and into the burbs... for practically nothing! You want gas money? Pffft!
Oh, and don't say no. Because doing that makes your acceptance rate go down. Who cares that this delivery will take up a massive chunk of your day? You got paid (practically nothing), right?
Arrive at your location, but it's a massive warehouse? Oops! The Dasher app thinks you're not close enough. You must be doing something wrong! Or, you're stealing! "I'm here, you piece of shit app!"
Want to be ridiculed and gawked at by staff and customers because you work for us? Got ya covered there, friend. If you think the chime you get every half hour is annoying, try being an employee at the restaurant with the chime going off every five minutes! They hate it! They don't have a suit to be mad at, so, why not you?
Anyway, all. I just had to vent.
Money sucks. It isn't real. Fuck the machine. Fuck the military. Fuck this war. Fuck ICE. Fuck this tired re-run of bullshit.
We all deserve the Star Trek future. We just need to kill our masters and leaders... with kindness, of course.
I got a followup interview for the job I really want. YES.
I love those who keep denying they've "put on a little".
Been away for a bit because I've been job hunting. I have an interview this evening. Wish me luck. This is one that I really want to get.
Update: I recently had to deal with some heavy family stuff. I topped it off by getting the crud from some aunt or uncle. I'm hoping to get back to posting soon.
"Ok. Don't panic. I got sucked into a cheesy horror film by some trickster demon guy, dead set on revenge. I've seen a hundred of these slashers. I know all the rules. I just gotta survive until the end.
Hell, at least I'm not playing the bubble headed, big boobed blonde who screams her way through the whole flick."
"Oh. Man."