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rant blog, just to let everything out.

[cherubis]

REBLOG if you r tired of sneky peopl....

[atsunemiru]

Monday, January 6th, 2014.

I don't really know why I roleplay, honestly. I've always been the type of person to get through everything with the most minimal effort possible, yet I'm writing of my own free will and even going out of my way to make icons and turn text smaller to make my replies 'prettier'.

I always put replies off, even, and look downward to longer replies yet I praise myself when I finish them and feel good about myself just a bit.

I'm not used to being praised, and I'm not used to having talent either. I'm not sure why it bothers me when there are roleplayers of the same muse as me with more talent, because I've never really been competitive, and i've always been fine with being low in ranks.

Maybe I really am competitive, I just never cared for the reasons in life I was supposed to compete for.

[atsunemiru]

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013.

Today, I woke up at around 10:30 and I felt absolutely disgusting. I ended up grabbing a coke from the fridge in hopes of succumbing the dire pain in my throat and stomach, though it didn't prove itself to make so much of a difference. I was on my computer, talking to a friend of mine... and then I knocked out.

Suddenly it was 3:00, and i look down to see my coke spewed all over the white rug fastened to the floor of my room. I was more upset for the loss of my drink than the rug, though.

It was then that I realized that I hadn't eaten anything the entire day, and I even worried about such; thinking that I should grab a bite to eat then and there, anxiety shriveling up inside me at a tremendous pace.

... But I wasn't hungry - not at all. My eating habits are getting worse, I guess, so I went downstairs and got an iced tea from the fridge.

I went back on the computer. I tried to watch more of this anime called Outbreak Company, and after five minutes I remembered my iced tea, which was now spilt all over the bed; lovely -- this was the second time.

I cleaned it up. I gave up on that anime. Then my mom came home, yelling about something unimportant per usual. I just said 'yeah', though I didn't actually listen.

She pretended she cared afterward, and then allowed me to know a whole load of things that all sum up to why she's 'perfect' and is 'such a great parent' and how i should be grateful for being blessed, even, to have such a great mother like her.

Then she used her favorite similie, the one about comparing our lives to the poor kids in africa, but i don't think she realizes that even with a comparison, it still doesn't make her constant neglect okay.

We went to pick up my sister from work after that, and I desperately tried to cheer her up. Though she was in a bad mood. But I was in a good one, I think it was because I was eating food for the first time, and that i got to see her. I tried to make her laugh but she told me to shut up.

I felt pathetic after that, like the gum at the bottom of her shoe. I felt like nothing.

Why do little things like this bother me so much? I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I get embarrassed so easily, I hate myself.