Aurora

//Pisces\\ Starting over from scratch.

[auroraeliseborialis]

I think I've lost hope. I think I decided when my cat dies I go too. Cause i see my mom and I see my future and i know that it would take a great amount of work to find the happiness im looking for. I dont want to end up a lonely woman with a mean husband. With the state of the world and the work it would take to even meet my basic needs on my own its just not worth it. I think death sounds like a relief.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Love anyway

I think I'd be dead if I didn't have my cat. It sounds maybe dramatic to some, but sometimes I get really sad. it's an uncontrollable sad, and I feel like im drowning. Then I feel like a burden for feeling this way and for reaching out for help. It just seems like it's too much for anyone to handle, so most of the time, I just don't interact with people when I feel like this or I hide how im really feeling. It slips through the cracks sometimes, but no one has to deal with me, and that's for the best. There was 1 person I did interact with, but he left me. I don't blame him for leaving. I know how much this is for other people. I know im a burden when I feel this way. He needs to do his own thing, I get that. But my cat is the only one who's consistently there, and he doesn't have to do anything he's just there, and he wants to be there, and I know he loves me. if he wasn't there, I'd know there's no one who loves me so deeply that they will be there when its bad. When it's inconsolable bad. He gets sad when I leave, and he gets excited when he sees me and demands my attention sometimes. He makes me laugh, and he lets me know how he feels even when he's upset at me. He's never scary or mean. He's patient with me when im not showing up for him. My cat loves me in the way I've always wanted to be loved. I've realized that's the reason I want to work with animals. Why I want to help them and befriend them. Because I think animals are capable of love that humans do not know how to access anymore. Humans are selfish. Im selfish. Im selfish for wanting to be loved but being incapable of producing the love I want to receive. There's a certain respect that you have to give to earn an animals love, not devotion, but love. And I try my best, but sometimes they see through me, they see the love I am lacking. They see I am broken. And they love me anyway. My cat loves me anyway. I hope one day I'll learn from animals how to access that love. So, I'll stop searching for a human to love me and hope that when im ready, I'll love me anyway, and it'll be enough.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Just thinking about that one time when I was very young and I was grocery shopping with my dad and I only recognized him by his levi jeans and at one point I lost track of him in the crowd and grabbed a random pair of jeans by the belt loop and walked around with them until my dad found me

[auroraeliseborialis]

Anyway im back to having overwhelming suicidal thoughts. My sister hates me. Im a burden to my boyfriend and family. I have one friend who probably thinks im a bad friend. My dream job turned out to be awful. Im trying to get myself to paint to at least feel like I can do something right but whats the point. Whats the point of any of it. And all of this is because im just the worst person ever and I hate everything about myself so yeah id rather just fill up my bath tub. Slit my wrists and be done with it.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Why do men have such a hard time comforting woman? I mean more specifially my boyfriend struggles so much to comfort me at my lowest. I just don't understand because I will look things up and try to learn ways I can support his specific needs and he doesnt do that for me. He's a sweet guy, a caring boyfriend he doesnt yell at me or belittle me but he does make me feel like Im not worthy of that extra effort. My therapist told me that resentment stems from not communicating your needs and assuming someone will read your mind and getting upset when they dont, so the answer should be that I tell him I need more comfort, but it makes him feel bad about himself. Ive thought of looking things up for him and finding a video of examples of the comfort im looking for but then id be doing the work for him. Idk what to do.

[auroraeliseborialis]

I feel quite a bit like killing myself today

[auroraeliseborialis]

I feel so alone. I'm supposed to be working on loving myself so I dont feel like I need you in order to be happy. But I'm tired. Too tired to talk myself down. Too tired to brush my teeth, to make sure I'm eating. Too tired to fight away the automatic negative thoughts. I asked you for comfort and validation and you said you dont have the energy to give me either. That's okay, that's valid. I understand. But I'm slowly fading, slowly numbing myself and isolating away from you because I feel so vulnerable around you. You dont text me goodmorning anymore or when you head to work. I feel like I'm losing you and the more I feel this way the more I need your comfort and validation. Sooner or later you'll feel like I'm too much. You'll finally tell me you cant do it anymore. And I'll be alone again.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Everything in my life feels fake right now and I've been fighting with myself because I've been working so hard to be better for someone else. Every good healthy desicion was made for him. For his approval. To be a better person for him. And that's not his fault. Feeling useful and like you're saving someone can feel really good. How could he know non of it was real. Wasnt genuine, because I cant love myself through someone else. So I'm a fraud. A bad girlfriend. I haven't ever been able to gain that kind of motivation from myself. I've only ever made it this far because others wanted me to. Not because I've wanted to. You're just the next in line of the people who eventually become reluctant to carry me through life. It's not your fault I've become heavy after all this time. Just set me down and live your meaningful life. Someone else will find me and take pity on me so dont feel guilty. Please dont leave oh god please dont leave me fuck I didnt mean it please I'll crawl if I have to. Please. Stay. Everything makes me think of you everything hurts please you're the only person who makes me genuinely happy. That's not fair though huh? Not healthy, its toxic. I'm toxic. That's the last thing I want. To drag someone down here with me. To turn someone else into a shell of a person. To share this pain. So please set me down. Walk away and dont turn around no matter what I say. No matter how I beg.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Last night my boyfriend and I were shit talking eachother in a flirting type way as we do and I accidently made a your mom joke outta habit. His mom is dead and I felt really bad but he didnt get upset but mannnn that's was stupid of me.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Having bad cramps all day, laying in bed when I notice a dark spot on my pillow where I just had my head. Looks like dried blood. Panic cause I just got and IUD put in today.

"Did something go seriously wrong?"

Its fucking chocolate cause I was eating chocolate in bed earlier.

[auroraeliseborialis]

People say communication is the key and then think that's all they need to say to be thought of as communicative but communicating is hard. It takes work and you have to be vulnerable and risk your pride in order to communicate. It's not just about letting someone know where you are or when you'll be home. It's about letting someone know when they've hurt your feelings or being honest about it when you hurt someone else's feelings. To communicate you have to be open to listening and trying to understand someone who is experiencing a completely different reality from you.

[toastbutteregg]

[dnd-one-shots]

Is your combat boring?

Do you find combat the most boring part of d&d? Do you feel you hand slowly reaching for your phone when it’s not your turn in combat? Are you constantly having your mind wander? Well, this post is for you!

How to spice up your combat!

Describe what you’re doing! This applies to players and to DMs. Instead of saying ‘I hit him, I do x damage.’ Spice that shit up baby!! Be descriptive! “I draw my sword off my back, and with one hand I slash him across the chest to set an example out of him and scare his friends!’ Or if you’re a DM: 'The hobgoblin has nowhere to escape, he attempts to climb up over the wall but it’s too high, he knows you will catch him. So he jumps off the wall and flies in your face, clawing wildly.” Damn, see? That’s way cooler than 'The hobgoblin is trapped, he’s going to claw you.“

Use your environment! This will make for more interesting fights and perhaps get you extra damage. "I punch him” vs “I grab him by the hair and smash his face into the table, holding him down. I lift up a tankard and break it overtop of his head.” How cool!! Wow, are you an action star? ★

For DMs: its more fun to kill 10 small enemies than it is to kill 2 regular enemies. (Unless it is a boss)

DMs: player rolled a 1 or a 20? Let them describe what happens. It keeps the players engaged and let’s them be creative.

Describe deaths. “Your magic missiles have killed him” vs “you outreach your hand, the hot missiles of your spell form around you, collecting energy until they speed past you, straight towards the Evil Man. He knocks the first missile away but the others hit him with an intense force, sending him flying into the wall behind him. His body makes an awful 'crunch’ as the stone wall cracks from the impact. He slumps down, and does not get up.”

Hope this helps! Have fun playing.

[auroraeliseborialis]

is it weird I want to impress my boyfriend by creating a really cool dnd campaign? and also feeling a lot of pressure to so because ive never played real dnd before? 

[auroraeliseborialis]

"Mother, you bother me with q-tip so I will take it from you"

[auroraeliseborialis]

I think that theres alot of little things parents do that wont be appreciated until the kids are older. Like encouraging your kid to try many things and doing alot of fun little activities with them. Sure they'll have fun at the time but it wont be until they are older that they'll realize how much they appreciated that time with you.

[auroraeliseborialis]

Even after years of working on myself I still dont want to live....great