an explanation to my absense.
as you all are very well aware of, i’ve been absent from this rp for a little over a week. and here’s why. i have no muse for either of my characters or this rp in general anymore. i’m not going to sit here and lie and say everything has been peachy with me when it comes to this rp. you guys are like my family, but i’ve had some issues going on in my own mind that i’ve slowly started to figure out. now, me saying what i am about to is in no way me saying that this is actually what’s going on, or how people are acting. this is me voicing my own opinion and how i feel, do not take it to heart because at the end of the day, i do still love all of you.
it’s been pretty evident that me dropping grayson was probably one of the hardest choices i’ve had to make, and in doing so, things backfired for me. i no longer have a character that causes daily problems, no longer have a character who thinks he’s god. and because of it, i feel as if my new characters aren’t as important and will forever live in the shadow of who i used to play. i’ve thought about bringing him back, but i honestly just don’t have muse for him anymore. that being said, i don’t like feeling as if my characters are being put on back burners because they’re not really that ‘problematic’ or even friendly (aka jax). i also feel as if the girl characters do not get half the amount of love and attention as the male characters and i do not feel that it is right at all. again, not saying that everyone feels this way, or that it’s happening to you -- this is how i feel as an individual.
not only that, there have been times where i do not feel wanted or needed, at all. most of that is because i was gone for a little while and im sure people made other connections, but i think part of it also has to do that i feel as if there are major cliques going on. again, if you don’t feel that way, you don’t have to and i’m glad you don’t. this is just how i feel and i need to get it off of my chest because it’s been a very heavy weight i’ve had ever since i came back. i played it off as if it was just me being self conscious as i always am, but after months of the same things happening, i realized that it probably wasn’t just me. i’m not asking for everyone to do nothing but pay attention to me.. in all honesty, i hate that much spotlight. all i wanted was a fair chance to come back, to play the muses i had muse for and to be welcomed with open arms again. this sadly, is not how i feel.. not anymore.
i took this hiatus to try and talk myself out of leaving redwood, to try and sort out if what i’m feeling is just me overthinking everything. but i’ve talked to a few people about it (who are not in this rp) and they’ve all told me that the signs of what have been going on and how i feel seem to be exactly what i was worried about. this rp has been there for me for two years of my life, some of the hardest times i’ve ever had and now i don’t even want to log on to this account anymore. it weighs on me heavily that i feel this way because i never, ever, expected this to come out of this rp.
i’ve spent a few evenings so upset about what choice to make that i’ve stressed myself out to the point i was physically ill. that is not something that i can mentally handle again. i’ve weighed the pros and cons, and sadly, as of right now, the cons outweigh the pros. i’ve come to realize that redwood isn’t a good place for me to be anymore, that it’s become so toxic because of the way that i feel things are going on, the way that people have handled it. i’ve come to realize that maybe, this just isn’t the rp for me anymore. so with that realization came the horrible thoughts of me leaving this place again. yes, again. i left the first time because i had a lot of things going on in my life, i’d lost muse for grayson and for some of the same reasons i’ve lost my muse for aurora and jax. the time has come that i am leaving, and i do not believe i’ll be back this time because this place is not good for me anymore.
now, all of the sad and hard things aside, i just want to let you all know that you shouldn’t take what i’ve just said personally. not at all, because i know most of you, and i know that it wasn’t your intentions. i know that no one intended for me to start feeling this way, but things happened, and i do. i ask you to think about what i’ve said in a way that makes you and your characters grow, not in a way that makes you feel bad or sad about the things i’ve voiced on. i hope that this rp continues to grow and become strong, i really do and i wish nothing but the best for all of you. i just cannot, personally be here anymore because of the way i feel like things are being treated and handled.
i waited so long to write this, to tell you all how i was feeling because i do not want you to take this as me saying i’m mad, or upset with any of you. because i know that it could be taken that way, but it is not my intention or thought process in the least. i waited to voice this until i was completely sure that i couldn’t be here anymore because of the way that i feel right now. do not let this be something that you take in a negative fashion because it is not how i want it to be taken at all. i want people to become more aware that people might feel like i do, to grow as a person from me voicing that i don’t feel like all of the characters here are getting the same amount of love, that maybe as a whole you could grow to see that and fix minor little errors.
this is the final thing i’ve got to say, and it’s on a little bit more positive side. i want to thank each and every one of you for the time that i have had here up until this point. redwood became my safe haven about a year and a half ago i do believe. i was in a really horrible spot in my life, felt useless, unwanted and just like i was a waste of space. but then i stumbled upon red and things started to change, i doubted myself less, took compliments in a positive way instead of just telling myself i was told these things out of pity. i do love each and every single one of you because you have all changed my life in some way or another, i just cannot continue to have all of these negative thoughts creeping back up in my life because i’ll end up right back where i was before i joined red a year and a half ago.
so, if you made it this far -- this is my goodbye. i love you all.
signing off,
caitlyn.
