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David Sims: Roses (2003)

Do they give me compliments and make me feel special? Are they trying to talk to me privately? Have they spoken to me in a sexual way? Do they tell me how attracted they are to me or that they want to do sexual things with me?

llovinghome

when i was 7 the older boy made me feel special, even though a part of me felt afraid of what was happening. it never became full blown grooming but that is the most accurate word i can find to describe what took place, and how it made me feel, how it affected me. i imagine my body, imagine salt being poured over it.

thepowergame-deactivated2015091

"when I watch these films, it's as if I were abducted by the girl on the screen and were no longer the woman I am today but the girl from the summer of '58. she overtakes me, stops the flow of my breath, and for a moment makes me feel I no longer exist outside of the screen.

this girl of 1958, who from a distance of fifty years is able to resurface and set off an interior collapse, must have a hidden, indomitable presence inside me. if the real is that which acts, produces effects, as in the dictionary definition, this girl is not me but is real inside me - a kind of real presence.

this being the case, am I to dissolve the girl of '58 and the woman of 2014 into a single 'I'? or proceed in a way that is, if not the most precise (a subjective evaluation), certainly the most adventurous, that is, to dissociate the former from the latter through the use of 'she' and 'I', in order to go as far as possble in the presentation of the facts and deeds. And go about it in the cruellest possible way: in the manner of people we hear talking about us through a door, referring to us as she or he, which makes us feel we are dying on the spot."

#annie ernaux #writing

serpenservm

Adam Curtis, “All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace”. 2011.

"a summer as immense as they all are until one is twenty-five, when they shrink into short summers that flit by more and more quickly, their order blurred in memory until all that remains are the ones that cause a sensation, the summers of drought and blazing heat".

#annie ernaux #writing

George Shiras, Among the first nighttime photographs of animals, 1906

i wanted him to heal me and of course he couldn't but then i turned the idea him into another way to self destruct. because it isn't enough. it's beautiful and it changed my life the way he listened to me, the way he put his foot down, the way he looked at me, the way he did not touch me, did not even let our fingers brush against each other, but it isn't enough to fill that hole in me. instead i leave it open.

achillesinhighheels

my mother was being cruel to my younger sister. she was making her cry a lot and this time, in my dream, i stood up to her (a faint recollection of this happening in real life, but i can't recall the memory). my mother picks up a dirty sponge and soaks all the water down my sisters back through her clothes. my boyfriend is in the other room and he is encouraging me to stay strong, to not let her do this, giving me advice on what to do. i take my sister and hold her and my mum rages at us. my mum is furious. she is so angry she gets a bedsheet and she wraps it around my head and uses it to bring me to the floor and i can hear my boyfriend shouting telling me to roll, to roll like a crocodile, and twist myself out of her grasp and free from the sheets.

then i wake up, next to my boyfriend, tell him about the dream, "it's because you have to see her today", think about the ways she's hurt my sister and i wasn't there or i didn't protect her.

#dream

autumn blood, summer weather

end of summer

catch up with my reading.

save money.

start writing.

keep promises to myself through rituals.

the detective in the other room sent his next question to the sexual violence liaison officer: after he sexually assaulted you, if he had tried to have sex with you again, would you have consented?

I knew the right answer was no. I knew that it was the only safe thing to say, even though I had been told to tell the truth, perhaps the subtext is you have to change your truth for justice because the real situation is too complicated for people to understand. but I couldn't play the game. So I said

nnoushja

Angelina, late 1990s

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