I got music in me baby.

there's a little bit of you in everything I do... Alex Holmes, yes the famous singer.

[avctaraangs]

The Morning After

Sunlight streamed in between the not quite closed curtains hitting Alex right in the face. Groaning he flung an arm over his eyes, slowly drifting back into sleep. However, the world had other plans for him...

Buzz....    Buzz...      Buzz......               BEEP BEPP!

“Oh my god,” he muttered to himself, reaching out blindly with his other arm to find his phone. Alex had been trying to ignore the buzzing and beeping of his phone for the last hour in an attempt to continue to sleep. Finally finding his phone (which he’d knocked on the floor earlier), readjusting on the couch again before looking at his phone. 

8 missed calls from mom 10 text messages from mom 8 voicemail from mom 9 missed calls from Rick (label) 7 voicemail from Rick (label) 6 text messages from Maggy (label) 3 text message from Amanda

Label could wait, after all he was pretty sure his mother would be pissed if he didn’t respond. Kicking off the blanket he fumbled off the couch to his feet, stretching before shuffling to the door, slipping his shoes on and stepping onto the doorstep. Amanda likely only called because their mom called her, so he’d start with their mom first. 

It’d only rung once before his mother’s panicked voice came over the phone. “Alex??” He sighed aloud before he spoke, first day home and he’s already got his mother freaking out. “Hi mom. Sorry about not texting you or anything, my walk turned much longer, and I uh-....” He paused glancing at the door he stood in front of. I ended up sleeping at Zia’s place, yeah not going to mention that. “Bumped into some friends and crashed at their place, no one seems to be awake yet. But once they are I’ll make a graceful exit and come home, okay?” There was silence again, his mother's breathing had calmed down the longer he spoke. “Fine, but we will need to have a long talk once you get home. Just because you are some superstar doesn’t mean you can just leave me here, worried sick, not hearing from you. You are lucky I didn’t call the cops!” Sighing again, “I know, I’m sorry. I’ll let you know when I’m heading home. I love you, okay, bye.” And with that, he hung up. 

Clicking on his sister's name in his text messages, he rolled his eyes. They wondered why he didn’t come home, well this was prime example why. 

From Amanda: Dumbass call mom, she’s freaking out. - 8:05 am I can’t believe you, you are home one day and you’ve already made mom crazy. Honestly Alex will you ever grow up?? - 8:14 am Call her, text her, SOMETHING. I’m trying to sleep. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t still kick your ass. Call mom or I’ll find you. - 8:30 am

To Amanda: I called mom, chill. - 8:55 am

He hit send quickly before glancing around the area, he’d never be able to stand like this anywhere else. Yet, he likely shouldn’t stand outside a whole lot longer here either. It was cold and Alex knew people would get the wrong idea on why he was on Zia’s doorstep so early in the morning. Slipping back into the house, he removed his shoes again and started cleaning up the couch. He left the blankets and pillows folded at one end of it, unsure if he should wash them or not. 

Once that was done he took a seat, bringing his phone to his ear again and listening to the messages from his label. He liked that his people cared about him and about his music, but he also wished they get lives and leave him alone for a couple of hours. Sending both of them a quick text saying he was alive and reassuring them that he would be working on things while at home. 

Leaning back Alex finally got to look around the room, it’d been dark and late last night so he didn’t really inspect the area. Pushing off the couch he moved along the room slowly, looking at pictures and decorations. Alex used to consider Zia’s home to be his second home. Now though, it felt weird to be in the space without someone being there. He used to come in and make himself at home, now though, he felt strange looking at some of the pictures. He used to be in her life at the time some of these pictures, but more recent ones, he wasn’t. He wasn’t there for when she needed him, he wasn’t there for the events or the reasons of the pictures. He didn’t get the text messages or snapchats of her brothers decorating the tree or baking cookies.

And it was his fault, he couldn’t say it was because of his fame, because it wasn’t. It was him. He made a choice, a bad one, and it blew up in his face. Outwardly fitching at sounds Alex put down whatever he’d been looking at and quickly turned to see if someone was coming. The urge to bolt rushed over him. This was who he was wasn’t it? Zia had ever right to be pissed at him, he wanted her to be, but here he was in her living room waiting for someone to wake up. Yet there was a small part of him that still wanted to run, still wanted to avoid dealing with what he did. 

[avctaraangs]

When We Were Free

There was a something about being in those halls again, the dull smell of the food court and sweat from the gym. Unlike others, Alex had a good time in high school. Sure, it wasn’t always great, but he went to his own beat and everyone sort of just accepted it. He was friends with a wide range of people, no one judged him for it, he could talk to anyone. No cameras, no world of fans judging him for the things he did or didn’t do. No one cared, they let him be whoever he wanted to be. He was free back then.

Life hadn’t happened yet, it was like they were in the spot where nothing could touch them. He talked to everyone from his sister’s boyfriend, to the jocks, to the goth kids. Even if he was a band nerd, no one really bugged him about it. He actually enjoyed it, he liked learning new instruments, even if his teacher didn’t really want him to try every instrument.

Alex could remember sitting in the band room, the door ajar only a bit. Singing and playing on the piano trying to get a song he’d been working on perfect, or just get that song that was on the radio out of his head. He never knew if the other students disliked like it, or if they thought it was cool. Sometimes for performances, he’d bring in the other band students, teach them the song he wanted - and then they’d play it. Sometimes it’d suck, other times though…It was amazing.

Alex loved being able to try things with his music, mostly people told him he’d “find himself” in college, he could be anyone he wanted then, be free. But he was free in high school too. He didn’t have to “be anyone he wanted” because he wanted to be himself, and if he wanted to be someone else for a little while, he could just play their music. He learned to experience things through other people, listen to people’s stories, their feelings and write about it through them. Alex hadn’t dealt with heartbreak, his family was perfectly fine, and at the time, he hadn’t had a girlfriend.

Zia had always been there, she’d been one of his best friends for years. Sometimes some of his dude friends would get annoyed or jealous, try to mock them for being friends. It never bothered Alex, he’d swing an arm around her and say, “I’d be luck if she wanted to date me, but in the meantime, she is my best friend, mostly because she doesn’t say crap like that.” And walk away with a smile plastered on his face. So it wasn’t a huge surprise when they somehow started dating, maybe he’d had a crush on her all along, but it felt natural and right.

The shared jokes, late night phone calls, giggling to themselves in class didn’t stop. The rules at Alex’s house changed once it got back to his mom, “no doors closed!” She’d yell as the two would run up stairs, hand in hand, to show Zia a new song he’d worked on. Sometimes they’d do homework, sometimes they’d just lay on the ground and talk. It was easy to be together, even when it was hard, it was easy to fight together. Alex was always willing to fight with her, for her. He didn’t want to give her up, she made him feel grounded. Reminded that he could have dreams, and still have home be important.

He missed when they were free, when they could just be themselves, be whoever they wanted. They could grow and change without what felt like the whole world freaking out and screaming “you’ve changed!”

Take him back, take him back to those days when he wasn’t anyone to anyone outside of the town, he was just Alex. He wasn’t a superstar, he wasn’t locked into things, he wanted to be whoever he wanted, without having people think they know him. “Take me back,” he’d whisper into the mic, “take me back to you and me, to when we were free.”

[noplacelike-zia]

“…Yeah” With a softer breath she mimicked his word in return. In a split second she regretted what she had said. She didn’t want to hear him say that. He really didn’t miss her too. He had Hollywood, screaming fans, models and snooty rich girls probably on his speed dial right now. He probably said it back thinking it was what she wanted to hear and the heavens above new that it was. Or maybe he felt sorry and didn’t want her to feel so bad for admitting something he’d truly never feel again. Zia wanted to believe him, she missed her friend, she missed him so much, and here he was in front of her–face-to-face but so much time had passed. She’d grown and as had he. She had to look down away from him. A soft laugh passed through her lips to try to save her behind but it was too late. He was just so…ugh. He was so easy to fall back into. 

And then he apologized.

No. No. This had gone far enough now. Waltz in from wandering out in the cold, in the middle of the night, knock on her door, and apologize? She almost wanted to laugh, remark that they weren’t in a high-end music video where he gets the girl in the end. But..she was foolish enough to believe in the spot of hope she had long dwelled on that her old friend was here again. For as long as he had been gone. For as long as he gone without saying it before, the words definitely hit a sore spot as he had the nerve to say them now. The new shining personality, the cocky attitude…it was suddenly a lot hitting all at once. Here he finallu was, singing superstar Alex Holmes.

 “You know…” She brought her hand up to nudge his away from her hair. “I think that’s enough catching up for one night. If you tell me everything now, I won’t have anything new to hear at the breakfast table in the morning.” Zia gave him a light smile before getting up from her seat, in a slight hurry. She didn’t want to hear anything else he had to say, didn’t want to set herself up for further embarrassment any longer. “There’s blankets at the top of the jacket closet. I don’t think you’ve outgrown the couch too much.” The last bit she tried to play off without being snarky, but if a hint of it dropped through, she wasn’t completely sorry for it. “I’ll see you at breakfast…My mom will be excited to see you.”

[avctaraangs]

Everything felt familiar again, he was leaning into her space and they were talking softly to each other. It reminded him of the days when Zia was everything, his whole life had been filled with her. Sitting by the fires simply talking, his fingers mindlessly playing with her hair, it felt like a memory.

Yet it wasn’t. 

His hand dropped heavily back to his lap, reality coming back. They weren’t just Zia and Alex anymore, he had changed them. It’d been nice for a moment, but it wasn’t the truth. He deserved her not wanting to be near him, deserved any anger she had towards him. 

Watching her for a moment longer, he nodded. Desperately he reached out slightly, wanting to have her stay with him a little while longer. He closed his eyes turning his head away from her and let his hand drop into his lap again. He couldn’t do that, he didn’t want to hurt her anymore.

“Couch is fine, thank you.” He said slowly turning to look up at her again, he did his best not to flinch at her words. Subtle, but still powerful. Somehow he mustered a small smile, “I look forward to the morning.”

“Goodnight Zia,” he muttered pushing up from his seat, and making his way to the closet. He could’ve walked home again, it wouldn’t be a long walk if he went straight home. However he’d likely look foolish and cowardly if he just took off now. Least he could do is attempt to sleep here. 

[avctaraangs]

Missing Home || Radio Interview

Interviewer: You just put out a new album, “Missing Home”. We can make our assumptions on what it all means, but why don’t you tell us about it?

Alex: “Ha - yeah sure. Honestly, ‘Missing Home’ is exactly as it says. I’ve been away from home for such a long time that I’ve grown to miss it.” He pauses stifling a laugh, “You have to know, I lived in a fairly small town. Everyone knows everyone, and I have a love-hate for that. When I was younger, I hated it. I could never get away with anything. Now though, I come home and it’s refreshing. They all know me and of course, there’s people who still think I’m some amazing guy, but most of them just go ‘oh your home? Cool.’ Like, I went home for Christmas, which I rarely do now, but being back there was eye opening. For years I dreamt of leaving it. Most of my music was talking about seeing the world and going places and getting out there. This one though, is the opposite.” He laughs shaking his head, “I miss it sometimes. Small town drama is so much easier to deal with than the paparazzi going crazy and stories the tabloids make.” He sighs, shaking his head again, “I guess the best way to explain this album is it’s an inside look at me. It’s me looking back, being back there, and saying ‘I miss it’, ‘I miss you’, ‘I’m sorry’… I think it’s the most personal album I’ve ever done.”

Interviewer: “‘I’m sorry?’” What do you mean by that?

Alex: He pauses for a long moment, “Everyone thinks I’m this heartthrob, a sweetheart. I guess the best way to explain this is that I hurt someone when my fame started to pick up. S-They know who they are, and I hope they listen to it. I’ve never been good with talking about important subjects, but I always convoy what I feel through song. Which isn’t romantic, it’s actually horrible for relationships - of any kind.”

Interviewer: Very true, hopefully they listen to it. You said that it was a very personal album, do you think fans will like seeing this side of you? What do you think people in your personal life will think?

Alex: Chuckles lightly, “I can’t be sure they will. I mean, not everyone loved the last three albums I’ve done. But I think this will give my fans a little more insight into my life. All these songs were written by me, some are older like ‘Family Dinner’, some are newer. They get to see deeper within how I feel, not all is very pretty. One of the singles, ‘When We Were Free’, it’s pretty much an picture of my teen years. High School isn’t great for anyone, but I have some pretty great memories during those years, and it’s one of the more upbeat songs on the album.”

Interviewer: Speaking of ‘When We Were Free’, the video for it was just put up today. How do you feel about it and the reaction it’s getting?

Alex: “It’s great, honestly, I was really worried about it. It’s shot in my home town, I asked mainly local people to be in it. We made it look like how it would’ve when we were younger, we didn’t have the same things teens do now. So for people to be having the positive reaction that they are is great, it makes what I do so much easier.”

Interviewer: Really? I wouldn’t have known that, I bet that makes it a more special for you doesn’t it?

Alex: “Yeah, it does. I mean that’s my home, the album is one thing, you can listen to how I feel. But that video, I took you around, allowed you see my home, my room, the places that are the most meaningful to me. It was quite scary when they told me they were putting it up, I was freaking out if people will like it. It’s more than just allowing people to hear how I feel, I’m showing a part of my history with that video.”

Interviewer: So another one of the singles is ‘Wish I Could’, what does that one mean? Where did you get the muse for it?

Alex: Laughs lightly, “you know that person who I needed to say I’m sorry to? It was about them, I got the muse for it from them. ‘Wish I Could’ was about things I regret, things I wish I could change. ‘Wish I Could’ is saying I did stupid stuff, that I see what I did wasn’t good. That if it was possible, I’d change it.”

Interviewer: Wow, some deep stuff in this album. Thank you for giving us a little more of an insight into it. This was Alex Holmes talking about his album “Missing Home”. Coming up next his single, ‘Wish I Could’.

[noplacelike-zia]

“I told them, I so mentioned sprinkles would make them look so much cooler but the only kind we have in the cabinet, the small square…shimmery looking ones, the boys said that’d make them look girly and didn’t put any.” Zia mused on, grabbing a plate to grab a few to eat a few herself in the dead of night. Not like she could just pick off of the ones on his plate (he didn’t need that many and that one hanging off the corner of his plate was totally screaming her name to be picked off). That sense of awkwardness so far she did hate. It’d be nice to just ask now where they stood. What was too much, or too far off of the ‘just friends’ divider. Because right now she’d cutely kiss him for that response. Lean right over the table and catch the corner of his mouth where that cookie crumb was sitting. She stared at the spot with her thoughts hurriedly fighting away the thought with a swivel back around for one of the kitchen cabinets. Hot chocolate didn’t sound like a bad idea right now either to dip her cookies in so she grabbed herself a mug. As she heated up the water, habitually maneuvering around the kitchen at such a fast pace she finally pulled up a chair and sat a seat next to him. Smiling, not catching herself, she reached up and picked out something from his hair. “I hope you didn’t come over here expecting to be heading right back home. I’m not letting you go back out there. Especially if you said you walked here in the freezing cold. Brilliance.” she poked fun at him finishing up with his hair. Then her hand dropped from it’s place at his hair to his shoulder. “I’ve missed you.” she then admitted softly, her eyes looking down quickly. Caving to an area of her feelings she hadn’t want to go near, partially angry she admitted first, it was the truth. “You have no idea how much…quieter things got around here when you left.” She let that word linger before she quickly picked up on how it sounded and amended hurriedly. “When you left town–and-and got your gig, hit your deal, and all. Every one else we know thinks 9 PM is a bedtime since everything closes at 10. Absolutely no fun at all.”

[avctaraangs]

“Boys,” Alex muttered out, honestly who cared if they looked girly or not. “Tell them that Alex Holmes says that Sprinkles make everything better. I’ll even write them a note!” Leaning forward again to show he would, he’d gotten so used to signing things, that a simple little note to Zia’s siblings wouldn’t be a problem. 

Watching her carefully, he absently reached towards his mouth, finding cookie crumbs. He let his face fall slightly as she retreated to the kitchen again. Part of him wanting to stand and follow her, being in her space for as long as possible. Yet he couldn’t, he had to give her space. After all he’d been rude enough to show up unannounced at her door.

“Just can’t get enough of me Z?” A cocky smile formed on his lips, forcing himself not to tense up at her touch. He craved it, but he also knew he didn’t deserve it. Any of this, he didn’t deserve any of this. He was waiting for her to snap, waiting for her to scream at him, throw things at him. Perhaps she wouldn’t do that, she was always so collected, not like the models he’d spent time with. Those relationship were hardly relationships, his people told him he was going to appear with them, act like they were dating. To him it was all for the show, to them maybe it wasn’t. He’d broken it off, every time. Their names across all kinds of gossip blogs, magazines and shows talking about the drama and their break up. Zia was nothing like those girls, she was always a breath of fresh air, even when he’d been with her all weekend. 

Her words hung in the air around him, unable to speak for a moment. His mind screamed to say he missed her too, that he hated how he ended things. "Yeah,” he said slowly, wanting so badly to lean in and capture her lips with his own. “I’ve missed you too Z.” More than anything, his mind screamed. He stared at her for a long moment, wondering if he should say anything or perhaps he should just stay silent and let her talk forever. “Well,” he started, his eyes moving to her hair that hung over her shoulder. “Not everyone is nearly as cool as you and me. We were the fun of this town, we made it enjoyable.” He found his hand playing with the ends of her hair mindlessly. He wanted so badly to reach out and wrap his arms around her waist but knew he better not. 

For a moment he thought of pulling his hand back, it wasn’t his place. Looking up at her softly, the smile falling from his lips again. “I’m sorry Zia.” 

[noplacelike-zia]

◀◀| Time at the Fair 🎡

[noplacelike-zia]

“True. This is all so very true. You know in Texas they have a giant carnival and I heard that they sell like…fried everything. Cereal, Oreos, Twinkies, cheesecake. So maybe snowcones in the winter isn’t that bad. We aren’t eating for heart attacks.”  Zia laughed and bumped her hips back his way, genuinely happy in the moment. She had begged and pleaded her parents for weeks to be out here with him for a date–sibling free.  Locking hands with his she nearly bounced to keep up at his side allowing him lead the way, adoring the way he always did so. Alex always had places to go, things to do, and people to see. She was always ready to tag along for his next adventure and see what they’d get into next. “Do you think so? After last year, i’m not completely holding my breath but that cheesy comedy routine actually did save the show. But of couuuurrssse…. “ she dragged her last word and paused. “There isn’t anyone up there who would be as amazing as Al Holmes would be.” Of course she was going to bring it up, she always did never fail. Alex had a gift, his voice was like gold and so much she wished he would climb on that stage and share it with their town. Private serenades and being the first to hear rough drafts of his songs was always a treat, yes. But his voice deserved to hit more ears and she was certain would touch plenty of hearts. “I’m just sayin’,” she tacked on with a grin. “You know you’d rock it up there.”

[avctaraangs]

“Fried everything?” Alex looked over to her with raised brows, though the idea sounded slightly gross, he’d likely have to try everything if they did go somewhere like that. Zia’s touch always made his heart race, even if it was an innocent touch like holding hands. He loved being around her, she kept him on his toes, and she was the best supporter he had ( next to his mom ). “Hey now, there was a pretty good singer a few years ago. Uh, I can’t remember her name but she wasn’t half bad.” Although a grin crossed his lips, he pulled her closer to him, unlinking their hands and wrapped an arm around her should to draw her closer. “I know, maybe one day.” He tried to keep his knowing smile to himself. He’d already made the plans, already knew he’d be opening the show. Alex hadn’t really cared where he as in the show, he just wanted to get on the stage. He itched to play in front of people, yet he also wanted to throw up. The idea of so many people watching was terrifying, what if they hated him? What if they booed him?

Glancing around he noticed the lady getting ready to go on stage to bring people in, talk about some of the talents and introduce the first one - which was him. “Hey,” he murmured pulling away enough to look at Zia’s face again, “I’m going to back in a minute okay? Just stay here so I can find you again.” Slowly pulling away, he stopped and leaned forward to kiss her nose with a wink. “I’ll be back, just watch the stage while I’m gone!”

[noplacelike-zia]

◀◀| Time at the Fair 🎡

“I’m going to eat all of this by myself if you don’t stop me.” Zia threatened as a spoon disrupted her grin as  another delicious spoonful of a snowcone went into her mouth.The Fair literally had the best snowcones known to man. Which was probably was a  bit of an exaggeration because they really were the only snowcones Zia had ever tried. But she was certain nothing could compare to them. Same could be said for the rest of the carnival food that graced their noses along with the ambiance of the lively winter fair. It was supposed to be his snowcone (she opting to have cotton candy instead) but after he handed it aside for her to hold for a quick moment the treat wasn’t going to leave her hands easily. With another giggle she poked at the snowball with her spoon readying for another bite. “How many people do you think would call us crazy or insane for selling snowcones in the winter? Just shows how much endurance we have against the terror of cold.” She went on, looking at her boyfriend to see if he actually was going to try and stop her anytime soon.

[avctaraangs]

Shaking his head at her comment, he pried the snowcone from her hands. “Even if you do, I can always buy another one.” Quickly taking the spoon as well, he at least needed to have a bite from it before she got it all. “I thought you didn’t want a snow cone, you wanted cotton candy.” Bumping her with his hips as he spoke with a smirk. “It’s a carnival Zia, there is no logic to what food is sold. If they are crazy to sell it, we are crazy to buy it now aren’t we?” This smirk turned into a grin as he spoke, watching her. “Come on, the stage isn’t much further, I’ve heard there’s some pretty good talent this year. If not, we can always make fun of them like we always do.” Pushing the spoon into the snow cone, he grabbed her hand, pulling her along. Even though Zia was one of the few people that had heard Alex play, he had a surprise for her. They’d been saying for years that he was better than anyone that went on the stage, and he’d finally went and signed up. Even if he wasn’t going to be on for a bit longer, he wanted her to be close to see it.

[noplacelike-zia]

“You got it,” she nodded with a slight tick of her head before stepping back and to the kitchen. So hospitable, she couldn’t help it. “Go on, get warm and make yourself comfortable. You know the house.” She smiled at him while she bounced on her tiptoes to reach the good line of mugs. The hardly touched kind reserved for special guests. Not the fun and funky colored mugs that were normally handed off to friends and family with no prior thought. It was a small statement perhaps, the most Zia could consciously think to make because was this just…too casual? There was no way in hell he could get off easy for what he did and seeing him just ripped her apparently healed wound right back open. Starting up the water to heat, she went across the kitchen to pick up one of the oddly shaped cookies from the lid they’d put them under for the night. She set two on a napkin, one type of each, and then brought them to him first. “I tried making the sugar cookies from scratch this year. Tell me how it tastes? And be honest.” She gave him a playful look phasing back into that bantering role they used to constantly kid around with . “Pretend you’re one of the sweet chefs on the Food Network channel and giving me my million dollar make or break judgement.” She encouraged him, hoping that it’d further lighten the mood as she waited for the water to finish heating up.

[avctaraangs]

Alex watched from the door a moment longer, finally slipping his shoes off and taking his coat off. Moving into the living room he couldn’t help but let a small smile form. He wanted to feel comfortable again in her space, yet he felt so out of place. Everything felt familiar, but he didn’t. He stood out in the empty room, everything was a reminder of what he left. Flinching at his thoughts, he wasn’t aware of how much self loathing he really could do. Taking a seat just in time as she came into his view again. He took the cookies gingerly, let a small laugh out. “Okay, okay.” 

He brought the cookies to his mouth, the sweet taste reminded him of Christmas. “Well,” he said slowly, looking down at the strange shaped cookies. “Presentation could be better, however, the taste makes up for it. I’d give you a eight out of ten. Or whatever the grading is on those shows.” It was easy to let the smile form on his lips, looking up at her again. “Sprinkles might’ve helped with the looks though.” Raising his brows at her, before taking another bite out of the cookies.

[noplacelike-zia]

‘My feet brought me back to you.’

'You look beautiful.’ 

The expressions unconsciously brought a sound from her throat and immediately she ducked her head downward. Did Mr. Lyrics have an off button? Had he really stepped into her house and called her beautiful? Who gave him the right? Why did the butterflies in her stomach still respond to that expression and goddammit she felt a heat on her cheeks blushing from it. Was he pretending the last two years didn’t happen? Zia couldn’t read the game he was playing right away, but he’d won an amused smile on her face from what he said. Quickly Zia regained her composure and tossed her hair when she looked back up at him. Oh she had some choice words for him. Yes she did.  “And you’re still as handsome and poetic as ever.” she said as a jab back at him but her tone totally betrayed her…. and those were definitely not the choice words that she had in mind. 

Why couldn’t she be so bitter and angry lat him for what he did?! He literally chose one of the worse ways to dump her at one of the most crucial points in her life. She believed in him more than any of those Hollywood junkies said they did. But they were better, richer, living a much faster pace than she could ever catch up with. But still…her heart was happy. Her heart was racing looking into his eyes, studying his expression, taking his presence in and trying to make of his appearance all at once. Her best friend was home for Christmas. Her best friend had come back and knocked on her door. That had to mean something right?

“Never been better actually. We finished decorating the tree before  Christmas this year, so, major accomplishment. I was just catching up on some Netflix,” she motioned her thumb over her shoulder to any area behind her in particular. Looking at him again, a genuine smile spread across her lips. A sentiment was bubbling in her throat and the longer she looked at him the closer it came to vomiting itself out until it finally did. “Welcome home, Superstar. It’s good to see you. Alex Holmes in the flesh.”

Boyfriend or not it was a solid truth of happiness to see him in one piece. Shivering, but he was still here. No matter what, they were still friends. She wanted at least that much to stay that way and for him to know it. To reassure him further, or maybe for her own personal confirmation she wasn’t hallucinating on candy canes  she reached out to touch his shoulder and slid her hand down his arm before giving it a light squeeze. Was that too casual? She bit her lip lightly before rocking up on her toes briefly. “Can I get you something? Coffee? Hot Cocoa? Tea? We’ve got leftover sugar cookies and gingerbread monsters if you want. I’m sure Santa won’t mind sharing a few.”

[avctaraangs]

His brain twisted as she spoke, she’d never been better? She was happy without him. What if she had someone else? Was him showing up making her feel any of the things he was feeling? This wasn’t fair of him, if she was happy he needed to butt out of it and allow her to be happy. She deserved to be happy. 

Letting a small chuckle on the comment of the tree, his gaze moved towards the tree. “It looks good,” he offered a smile, though sad as it was. Zia’s smile though took his breath away, it made him want to grin, made him want to curl into her. That smile that made him want to make her keep smiling. 

“Come on,” he mused, tilting his head to look at her. “Don’t call me that. I’m still your Alex, just - Alex.” He said slowly, he didn’t want to be someone famous to her, he wanted to be her best friend again. Which he doubted that would happen, but it was worth a shot right?

It felt like a jolt when she touched him, the almost sunk into her touch. Wanted to move closer and feel her arms around him, feel her in his arms. Stay that way forever, just staring at each other. Close enough to touch, close enough to speak. He wanted her closer, but he didn’t deserve that. He was afraid if he had her closer he’d hurt her again. Her question made a small smile form, so kind even to those who didn’t deserve her kindness. You. Was all his brain screamed, he wanted anything she’d give him. “I would love a cookie, you guys always made the best. Maybe some hot cocoa because I’m a little chilled from the walk.”

There was a moment while they stood there, so close. That he wanted to pull her close and kiss her. Feel her lips against his once more, feel her cheek against his hand, her hair in between his fingers. He wanted to wrap himself around her, and have her want him back. He wanted that high school love, he wanted all those songs he wrote to be them again. He wanted her with every fiber in him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t drag her back to him. 

She couldn’t love him.

[noplacelike-zia]

“Don’t do it Karen.”

A blonde sauntered up to the front of a door she occasionally glancing over her back as her breath shook with each step she took up the door’s steps. The ominous music narrating the woman’s movements and the eerie lighting of the apartment complex she was walking to made the scene tense and had Zia at the edge of her seat. Curled up on her couch Zia whispered out another warning to the character on her screen of her laptop. She was so far behind in watching Daredevil… Even if she wanted to binge, watching the gory, high suspense TV show during the day while her brothers were awake was a no go. Trent was a curious caper and the last thing she wanted was for them to even catch a glimpse of any of the scenes and get shaken with nightmares. But now with the snow falling, everyone sound asleep, and the freshly decorated Christmas tree illuminating the room it was a good time for Zia time. Even if she knew how this scene was going to play out no thanks to workplace chatter. 

The music was getting louder, Karen was through the door, and Zia’s heart was racing. Her blanket pressed tight into her face, leaning forward, eyes glued to the screen, the actual knock on her door made Zia jump scare out of Hell’s Kitchen and back into her living room. Snapping the headphones out of her ears with a yank in response, she looked up at the room, a quick check that nothing–or no one–was there with her before looking to where he front door was. She took a deep breath to calm down, holding her chest as she hit pause and tossed her laptop aside to get up. Where was her ominous music? It was just past midnight,freezing cold outside, and someone was knocking at her front door. She looked around again to see if anyone in her home was up to have made the sound before creeping slowly toward her front door. Pressing herself against the door softly, she peered through the peep hole to see….Alex…? 

Alex Holmes? The world’s newest singing sensation, her best friend, her high school sweetheart, her other half, her ex that left her behind with a lousy voicemail? If this were any girl else, they’d probably scream with delight and wake the whole neighborhood because it’s Alex Holmes. 

Rushing to unlock the door. Her heart raced like it had years ago–fast and slow all at once. His name, after so long, had touched her lips once more and louder than a whisper.  She knew that face, she knew the motion of his stature, and when she swung open the door and heard that voice–it was too much. It was him. He was here. Right there on her doorstep.

 “Al…?” She asked carefully, testing the nickname and nearly drowned in nostalgia at the familiarity. The sound of her name was like a ghost of a whisper and the second he said it she recalled the nights she asked to hear him say her name like that again just one last time for her to hold onto forever. Just in case, as she obviously stood corrected, he never came back. 

“Get inside here you idiot!” She hissed and grabbed him by the arm pulling him inside the house.  She was still in much of a shock but when the chill of the cold bit her she wasn’t about to freeze or let him freeze to death at her doorstep. “Wh-what are you doing here? I mean–hi. I mean.” All the practices she had for  what she’d say if she ever saw him again were out the window. “Keep your voice down, Zech and Trent are asleep.” Finally she got herself out to say. She looked him up and down trying to say something else but eventually just gave up, dropping a hand down on her thigh with a smack. “I….”

[avctaraangs]

There was a moment where he thought he could run for it. Jump into their  bushes and hide. He even moved over to get ready to jump, only to plant himself into the spot. He was not that much of a coward! That didn’t stop his brain from screaming to leave. There was time, he could make a run for it. She’d likely just think it was some stupid kids thinking it was funny. He even turned around to leave, but heard the steps inside and couldn’t.

It was moments like these that he liked the night. No one was around to notice how much of a struggle he was having. No paparazzi waiting for him to do something stupid, no screaming fans to ask him what he was doing, or who he was dating. It was just him, out in the cold.

Zia was the one that got away. But she didn’t really “get away”, Alex sort of pushed her away. Walked away from her, so it was more his fault than anyone else.

This all was quickly forgotten once the door opened. Anything he thought he was going to say (which wasn’t much because he was thinking of running) wasn’t coming to him now. Suddenly there was nothing he could say, his voice taken from him. Nothing he could say would make up for anything, yet there she was.

She was beautiful, which wasn’t surprising, she always had been. But it was like he was hit with everything, her beauty, her voice, everything. He just wanted to curl up near he and just be near her. But he didn’t deserve that, he didn’t deserve to even be on her doorstep.

“I...” He didn’t know what to say or do, he didn’t want to go into her home. Yet he couldn’t help it. Her voice pulled him near, he’d do anything for her if only she’d ask. He home was familiar, warm, kind. It felt the same, smelt the same, yet it was different. Perhaps, it wasn’t different, but he was.

“I’m home for Christmas.” Alex spat out the words like they would explain everything. He wanted to tell her everything, why he was on her doorstep, why he couldn’t sit at home, why he left her. Yet no words came to him. Of course not, they only came to him when he was writing.

He thought of asking how her brothers were, how her family is, but that felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to say. “My feet brought me back to you.” Every time he spoke, it felt like it would make everything make sense, yet it didn’t. He’d have to explain, in words not in lyrics. Could he do that, though? Put his guilt and pride away to explain, to tell her he didn’t mean to hurt her. That he was stupid and young that he didn’t know a good - great thing when he had it. He was driven by the new fame that he wanted to experience it all, without a girlfriend to hold him back. It didn’t take long to see how lonely life was. But his pride stopped him from doing anything about it. So he filled that gap with people, no one that would stay, but just someone to keep him company for awhile.

“You look beautiful.” He said slowly, testing out the words again. It felt like he was picking her up to go on a date, but he wasn’t. He was being selfish, he ran away from home in hopes of getting away from the guilt. Now he was standing in front of her, having to figure out what to say, forcing her to be around him.

“How you been?” His mind screamed at him, he didn’t deserve to know. He shouldn’t be allowed to ask. He wanted her to be happy, but not without him. He wanted her to live a full wonderful life, but not without him. He wanted her to be have someone to hold, but he didn’t want it to be anyone else but him. Selfish. That was what he was, he wanted her to miss him like he missed her. He craved her touch, and he love more than anything. Funny, how we always want what we don’t have, or rather, sad.

[avctaraangs]

“Knock knock,” Alex said opening the door, suitcase pulling behind him. The house went silent as he closed the door. “It’s been two years guys, not eight, come on!” They were giving him these looks like he’d raised from the dead, which he hadn’t. “Well, not everyone is used to not seeing their brother for such a long time.” Amanda commented, she cracked a smile, her husband nudging her - likely telling her to be nice. Everyone hugged him, he made his way around, answering any questions they had. Though after the flight he just had, he didn’t really want to be around anyone.

After some hours, the family separated and Alex slipped upstairs to his old bedroom. The door hung open, but Alex couldn’t bring himself to step into the room. It had been years since he’d actually stayed in his old room, normally he’d stop in, or have them meet him somewhere. This was Christmas, and no matter how much he said he’d stay at a hotel, he was forced to stay at home.

He’d expected the room to be empty, made into something else - but it wasn’t. It was as if no one touched his room since he left, they kept it the way it was. Finally, he stepped forward, dropping his bags just inside the door. His pictures hung on the wall still, books scattered his desk, the keyboard tucked into the corner. His notebooks stacked beside his bed (though it was never like that when he lived in this room.) It all reminded him of high school, which was both the best and worst time of his life. No one actually liked high school, not to mention he was a band geek. (Which oddly enough, didn’t actually mean he was being bullied. Though yes, jokes were made about him and his fellow band geeks, most of the jocks were friends with them. After all, they played the music for the games.) Last few years of high school, Alex spent with a wonderful girl. Though they’d been friends throughout their schooling, those last years - they were much more than friends. He loved her with everything in him, she was his muse and his closest friend. But like they say, all good things must end.

With that thought circling his mind, he saw it all. Every time they’d sat on that bed, chatting, laughing - kissing. Sitting at the keyboard, with her on the floor, playing her the newest song he’d wrote. The amount of homework that had stacked up on that desk and the two of them laying on the floor “working”. Those notebooks filled with songs about her, about school, about everything he walked away from. It was like he couldn’t breathe; the air almost smelt of her. All the stories, all the fun, the love, the sadness - it was all here. Wrapped up in this room, and Alex couldn’t take it. He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door, yelling something about a walk over his shoulder. Even the front yard reminded him of her. Them sneaking out late at night and trying to hold back giggling while they opened the gate. He headed down the street, trying to escape her.

He walked through the park that lead to the stores, the benches they’d sit on in the spring, the swings that they’d talk on at the dead of night, everything reminded him of her.  The stores, the school, the streets, they all reeked of her. Of them, of what he’d walked away from. It was a reminder of what he’d given up.

He walked for God knows how long, he stopped looking up, knowing no matter what he’d remember her. It felt as if his eyes were closed, walking blind in hopes of when he opened his eyes, he’d be free. He walked what he guessed was across town before he looked up. His phone said it was midnight, and he knew he’d have to go home sooner or later. But he couldn’t, not now, not when he stood in front of her house. He didn’t remember knocking, but he must’ve because someone was awake inside.

“Zia,” his voice cracked as he said her name. It felt warm, and comfortable to say it, but wrong all at once. “My feet-” he paused unsure what to say, unsure if he had the right. Afraid if he even blinked if she’d go away, slam the door in his face. “They lead me here.”

[lightwoodxalec]

(x)