Lots happening. Changing. Shaping. Flowing with things, being sculpted by them.
Realizations about myself. How much I’ve been controlled by my own need for others to approve of me, like me, feel good about me. To like me. This is an addiction on its own that has been controlling my life for so long. To be liked doesn’t feel good when it comes at the expense of your own soul, your own truth, your own needs and desires, your own ability to feel confident and express yourself so others can get what they want and be who they want to be and feel good. I’m realizing I have to feel good. I’m realizing how much energy I have spent trying to make sure the people around me feel loved and accepted and appreciated and valued and whatever, but I never really gave that gift to the person that I was really meant to give it to first which is myself.
Something that came up recently and stuck with me was this thing about ancestral wounds, and that several generations back there was some incest in my family lineage that had a huge impact, wounding impact on my family to come, we are carriers of this past and our patterns have been impacted by it in unseen ways. This came up for me today. This pattern with men that I have, it seems like a father/daughter incest issue, I can just see it like — a young girl having a hard time saying no, yet she depends on this person for safety and security and stability and love and connection and so much more, and then they have this tendency to try to fix or change her no, to make it wrong, so they don’t have to do their own work or see themselves — they’re in this self-deception. And the girl is meanwhile trying to communicate without communicating, to find new ways to communicate. To find new ways to stop the unwanted from happening, even if it means her own control manipulation or deception. I was reminded of my dad, being abused by his dad, and the words he said to me so many times echoed in my mind about how, when he finally stood up for himself and fought back, when he finally stood his ground and challenged his father’s abuse, was when it stopped for good, forever. And also that this was the opportunity for his father to finally see his own wrongs, his own effect, to see his reflection clearly and begin to question what he was doing to my dad. I was thinking about how in the cases and stories of incest and familial sexual abuse, that the girls who fight back and scream at the one doing the abuse, who is usually a father, call them names, throw them off, do something powerful instead of just let it happen, those are the ones who end the cycle forever, who end the pattern for good. I wasn’t able to get to that point with this person. I hope that doesn’t mean the pattern will continue but that I am rejecting the pattern completely for bigger and better things, relationships which aren’t so blatantly violating in a patterned way but are healthy and supportive and kind, inspired and mutually beneficial.
,I love black women. They are so strong, they know who they are. They can walk through fire and be sure they’ll make it through without being burned and if they’re burned they’ll wear the marks like battle scars and champion them. They’re so fierce. I want to be like that. I want to feel that confident in myself. I think I used to be like that when I was a kid and I lost track of that girl somewhere along the way, living in this world, getting knocked around in here.
How much I’ve allowed men to control me willingly by giving them the power, by needing them to like my preferences and feelings and wants and needs before I feel okay to express what my needs are. I just don’t express what I want, sometimes I won’t even admit it to myself, if I feel it’s not going to be okay with them. That can also go for having beliefs, too, having a perspective different than the rest of humanity or the rest of the crowd. Then I sacrifice whatever my truth is, whatever my wants and desires are, and convince myself I don’t actually have any wants and desires, and just “go with the flow” with what they want so they can have whatever they want and need. The person I became as a result of that has been the best case sort of person for men who are egomaniacs, users, narcissists and unhealthy. They can’t honor my needs because I don’t feel permission to have them, and often don’t express what they are or feel I’m allowed to have them at all. A self-made cage or prison that is.
Today I said I’m sick of this shit, I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m ready to kill these ugly patterns and all the enabling I’ve been doing to the narcissists and the egomaniac type people who abuse me, disrespect me, talk down to me, try to control me, are manipulative towards me, or whatever. Why have I tolerated this kind of stuff for so long from so many people? It’s genuinely shocking to me, like waking up from a dream going, “what the fuck was I doing all that time? How could i ever think that was smart / normal / ok / good?”
It’s liberating to feel permission to not need to cater to these kinds of people anymore and instead liberate all that energy to work on my relationship with myself and build more relationships with people who actually value me, appreciate me and enjoy my perspectives and habits and lifestyle and the things that I have to say and aren’t judgmental, critical or constantly attacking me / parts of my life publicly or privately.
I am realizing how much I really don’t ever stand up for myself, and how I have been the “doormat” type person in so many moments in my life without realizing it, thinking it was me being a good person, me surrendering to their needs and that this is a good thing, when actually it comes at my own sacrifice of time, energy, patience, peace of mind, sense of well-being and wholeness.
Part of me feels a little sad to have to leave behind something that was beautiful — I’m always seeing the beauty in people and things, even things that are ugly or dysfunctional or don’t work or hurt. I’m always looking at what I can gain from things in a way that makes it hard sometimes to break away — but the piece of advice which I’ve been hearing in my mind today is that sometimes it’s about saying no and leaving empty space that allows something better to come along and take its place. And to just be okay with the emptiness, to be present with it and keep that emptiness company for a while.
I’m realizing how low my self-esteem has been maybe for my entire life — I don’t recognize a starting point to it all and I think if I look back, too, moments I would maybe be blind to before taking this remedy appear to fit that pattern of my feeling of low self-esteem manifesting as a person saying or doing different things to fulfill that low self-esteem perspective about myself.
I’m realizing I can dream and my dreams can manifest and happen if I want to — it’s just a matter of commitment to some direction. And that commitment can benefit humanity, even if it’s worldly. But I also have to commit to support myself, to believe in myself, to allow the unknown and infinite possibilities to become opportunities or doorways for me.
I’ve been thinking a lot and rethinking a lot about this idea of success, and this idea of balance.
About my relationship with myself and with men in intimate relationships.
I was able to express myself in a very direct way yesterday, and it wasn’t well received. I then realized I’m not responsible for it being well received and I don’t need it to be well received in order for it to be okay that I said whatever I said, and my only job is to be love — to communicate lovingly with compassion and try not to hurt anybody inadvertently if I can help it.
Praying for more peace, less suffering and resolution to all this unnecessary old paradigm patterns and programming. I’m so ready to leave them all behind… and it feels fresh and new, this life, to be appreciating that opportunity again, to recognize myself and my potential and life’s potential from a higher place.
And I was thinking about death a lot, like I always do — but this time it was like I didn’t feel any fear. I could just recognize the change and how it might be. I am still thinking about the future and wondering what’s going to happen, but the process of dying and death itself seem to be less terrifying than they used to be.
It feels uncomfortable to stand in this place, feeling the emptiness, and the mild longing and the empty space. But that is only temporary. I’m sitting in that discomfort knowing that good things, better things, new things, and things that are less masochistic are coming my way soon — people are coming my way soon to help me, support me, lift me to reach my dreams and goals that I have to help humanity in the unique ways I can offer. I know that I have so much to offer; it’s about being patient and waiting and trusting that that time will come soon, and being able to give those gifts will fill my soul with so much of a sense of purpose and rightness, completion of sorts.
Meditation has become easier today, it feels less forced and more like coming home, like being born again, being filled up, lifted up, powered on, supported, celebrated for the unique being that I am. The lessons in all of this have been beautiful, powerful, transformative, but I’m ready to leave them here completed as lessons learned, and not lessons I have to go on living. I’m leaving this behind knowing that I’m not running away or shutting it down because I’m afraid or angry or critical or reactive. But because I expressed what I really wanted in my heart, the things I have for so long ignored or chosen not to see or chosen to sacrifice at the feet of someone else’s needs and to avoid their negative reactions to me being in my power, expressing myself, living my truth, owning it, being it, speaking it out for everyone to hear — because I did all that, I became that, I expressed that and received this person’s own emotional drama, the judgement and criticism and abusive mindset and lack of space for my needs to be a part of the conversation at all, and because I recognize now that I’m not willing to compromise my needs anymore to let them have theirs with my own as the cost of admission. I don’t need permission to feel.
I told myself this lie that was theirs that I am being manipulative, controlling and self-centered for having needs of my own, desires of my own, expectations of my own, preferences of my own. When, in fact, it is not manipulative to have desires and needs and know what I want and be able to own that. It’s manipulative, controlling and self-centered of them not to own their own part in that, their own demands of me, their own attachment to having me be some certain way. There’s a fine line between having needs and expressing them in order for there to be a clarity between us, and having needs and expressing them in order for the other person to reshape themselves or compromise their own to conform to what you want them to be. And we do those things ourselves when we are too controlled by the attachment, the desire or the need to be liked/valued/connected so much that we’re willing to sacrifice our very selves to get those needs met in an unhealthy way from someone that may not really care about how it impacts the other person. I’m realizing that it’s my responsibility to care about me as #1, because nobody else is going to do that work for me, I have to stand up for myself and be able to be bold about it and uncompromising about it and clear within myself about it to not need other people to be a certain way for me to feel safe and comfortable being in my power. I need to just be in my power, and to hell with them.
In my life, that looks like following my own damn path, speaking up when things don’t work for me, setting expectations and expressing what’s on my mind without worry about what others will think about it (in a way that is unequivocally firm but kind, not prideful or demanding). It’s working on the things in my life that I don’t feel good about and prioritizing myself, prioritizing solving problems that bother me, prioritizing healing and self-discovery, prioritizing movement and exercise, play and fun and inner connection, connection in unexpected ways with the Divine within me, whether through making or listening to music, experiencing the world in spontaneous ways or playful ways, maintaining a mindset of inner strength and wholeness through self-discipline and mental discipline, standing my ground, letting myself be myself in all situations, capturing my shame and fear and labeling and destroying it systematically until I feel completely free, doing the ethical diary and rooting out all the crap, cleaning out all the crap weighing my soul down, and not letting anybody or anything get in the way of feeling good.
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