My Thoughts

Mumblings of a Human Nature

[averageclay]

Again again again

So I'm back to where I was before. I made some headway in returning to school to complete my education and I'm doing well at work. I even thought I made a new friend, though I notice a cycle.

To sum it all up nicely, I keep getting used. Befriended, used for some gain, forgotten. 

I know it keeps happening, I recognize it, but every time it happens I'm hoping it'll be something better. I hope for the best. Every. Time. 

Or maybe they really tried being my friend but I'm so mind-numbingly boring it just... wasn't worth the effort?

If only my memory wasn't so great and I could forget slights like these.

[averageclay]

Circle

So here I am, back to my state of existential crisis. I'm not happy. I wish I could be. I wonder why I can't be.

I started thinking about what could be causing these negative emotions. What in my life is doing this? Being treated unfairly at work? Not having friends? Not having a significant other or being able to really connect with others emotionally?

I just want my normal to not be this. I don't like waking up bitter and upset every day. I just want out. Why was I given such an array of emotions if I stick to this one most of the time?

I tried blaming the weather, I tried blaming the food I ate, I tried taking vitamins...

Nothing. No placebos work and I'm ashamed to get help from a doctor. What if they can't help me?

If there is a God... I just want answers. What did I do? I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Just let me be happy.

[averageclay]

Pretty OK

So maybe I should try to rationalize that wild roller coaster ride of emotions I went through during my week long vacation.

For the longest time I was allowing my loneliness consume me and using my day to day life as distractions from the impending emotional collapse. Without going to work it finally happened and I spent a few days in bed just fuming. Blaming God, venting on here, trying to talk to friends.

But I got it out of my system. I found motivation. I started sleeping with my blinds open so the sun can wake me up. I bought a plant. I cleaned everything. I made small positive changes to my life that will eventually add up. I applied for readmission into my local university. I'm determined and I won't be alone in this as I have friends going back to school as well.

I think this is a big turning point in my life. I'm pretty happy now. Next semester I WILL take classes. My parents are kind enough to help pay for them as all. 

Maybe in my next blog post I'll give out details about myself. Until then, have a good night.

[averageclay]

Turning Point

Due to recent events I feel a newfound sense of motivation flowing through me. I can finally move on in life and actually enjoy the things I used to enjoy doing. I'm very relieved. Looking back on my last few posts makes me chuckle now, but at the time I wrote those I very much believed and felt what it was I was trying to convey.

I had much more energy today. I cleaned my humble abode quite thoroughly, organized things, the whole shebang. 

I'm pretty happy with it all. 

I hope this lasts and something good comes of it!

[averageclay]

Countdown

I feel as though my life has reached a point where it has become some sort of waiting game for death.

Why am I here? What drives me?

Nothing. Nothing compelling. 

If my life had an off switch that would've erased my existence I would press it.

A friend told me they'd always love me but I don't think I should dote on that.

I'm even reaching out to people who have hurt me greatly in the past just to have some sort of human connection.

If there is a God I would like some sort of explanation. Why create this self-destructive cocktail of emotion?

[averageclay]

Today was a pretty good day. Even though I had terrible, sad dreams I made up for it by spending time with someone new and catching up on things with some of my good friends.

[averageclay]

A Sinking Feeling

It is days like this I realize that I truly have made mistakes in my life. 

It is my first day in a week long vacation, something I've been looking forward to for months. I couldn't wait to get my vacation, a well-deserved break from my hum-drum job. A chance to do what I wanted with whoever I wanted. A chance to spend more time with my friends.

Instead I come to the crushing realization that I'm alone. I have few friends and none that I feel like I truly connect with. Every ounce of entertainment or happiness I feel lately seems hollow, mere distractions. I lay in bed wondering why it came to this. I wish I wasn't so lonely. 

I consider my life. My interests are narrow, I'm highly judgmental, sometimes I'm hard to understand, I'm not attractive, and I don't have any real talents. It's logical for me to not have any friends and to have great difficulty in forging new friendships, right? That's what I tell myself. But no amount of rationalization will take away this sinking feeling I have, the feeling that it will only get worse. The feeling that it's too late for me to have any real happiness. 

I can remember when I used to be happy. Genuinely happy, surrounded by friends that I cared about and likewise cared about me. Now all I have is the knowledge that making others happy makes me a little happy. 

I cling to the idea that maybe one day I won't feel this way. 

I would love some motivation. 

[averageclay]

Finally Started a Tumblr

Title says it all, mostly. I've been encouraged to get a tumblr by some friends of mine and well, here I am. I don't believe this blog will be indicative of how I actually act or who I really am, but it will allow me a place to vent my feelings and quirky ideas that I sometimes get. 

[averageclay]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Looking at myself in a mirror when I was wearing diapers.