dream @avirginlosingachild - Tumblr Blog

Leopard print rags and a blue eyed boy

She sat down next to him and softly whispered

“I’ll trade my soul for a part of yours”

He unveiled his face and gazed ahead

“My parts are scattered around this city, you’ll have to find them first”

And handed her a map made of feathers and string

“I’ll meet you at the end, for our next adventure”

nevver

You can’t lose what you never had, Giovanni Ozzola

nevver

Swarm, Kathryn MacNaughton (because)

pink-sprite

s-t-a-y-i-n-g

Title, if you want one

It’s been a good 3 years or so since I’ve posted anything online. Somewhere recently, I seem to have lost myself again and now I can’t pinpoint why.

I thought at the age of 28 (it was my birthday on Sunday) I’d at least have found contentment or some sense of stability. Where I am happy with Tom, in the home we own, with our 2 beautiful kittens, I feel that there is still something huge missing. And it’s from me. I feel like a huge hole inside of me is missing.

Work is good, I’ve worked myself up from shitty over-subscribed, comprehensive school in a dodgy town, to a noted, single-sex, independent school in the Cotswolds, where my largest class is of 19 and I have double the amount of time off. My salary increased this year to a salary I’d have to wait a few more years for in a state school. I’m comfortable.

My family are all fine. I’m speaking to both of my parents for the first time in about 4 years and we are all getting on great. My sister is having therapy and is talking to me far more than she ever used to. My grandparents are still alive.

So what the fuck is wrong with me?

I close my eyes and all I see in front of me is a wall. A great big fucking wall. I can’t see over it and I haven’t got anything to help me climb it, knock it down or even dig under. It’s a great big white wall, and it stands there in bleak silence. Almost obnoxiously. As if to say, “and what are you going to do about it?!”.

I stand and I stare at it. I start to feel alone. I feel so alone, so angry, so anxious. I disgust myself. I am hopeless. I need help.

Someone please help me.

I need to be me again.

Let me carry on dreaming, carry on pursuing my goals, carry on having fun.

Let me love myself.

Let me love everyone.

Let me have things to look forward to.

Let me be excited.

Let me meet people.

Let me laugh.

Please.

s-t-a-y-i-n-g

markmcevoy

nevver

Return to sender

Wheelbarrow

Penetrate the waves in all their blue Pluck at the strings that lie so deep within her chest The orange fuzz and weighted blanket Seeking a warmth if only for a moment Engulf her and strangle her Push down on her until she can’t breathe Pull her hair and watch her cry Then let go and tell her it was all for nothing The lights wont flicker and the sun wont set Its set in stone and its for all to follow Under each foil wrapper lies a reflection That shows you your biggest lies And blonde strands that you still find in your car That remind you of a year you forgot Teenage lust and rolled cigarettes She thinks about you every day

BA1

Beige and wet, the walls they whispered “We know yours but you don’t know ours” I took the long route to envisage Wednesday But was distracted by corners and shadows For they tower over me and peer inside And ask me why i left I cant find an answer or a reason So i listen to the man who sings He sings an unheard song In a khaki jacket made from leather As children drop a penny into his hat For the future of the man Who doesn’t know where he’s going I stood and stared at the Wednesday I once knew I wore green and walked so naively As if I knew I’d be back to remember this moment

Ceiling Beams

Clock ticking. Pipes whistling. Sheets rustling. Heart beating. Lungs breathing.

It was 8 o’clock.

“Do you want to?”