...
well...i came back to this place after years because i didn't know where else to vent and get things off my chest. no one i used to talk to uses this, surely, so i figure why not scream into the void.
i uh..today really fucking sucked. my best friend that i served with took his life this morning. i didn't find out until late afternoon. it felt like a record scratch moment, the world around me froze. idk what true shock feels like, but man, its gonna be that.
i loved that man. he was my brother. we went several years without talking, because life, but we'd always pick right back up when one needed the other, or when we had the time. but man, to have his wife tell me that tonight...fuck dude. i just. i don't know. i don't understand.
he had tried once before and pulled through, and was getting help. he didn't even reach out to me yesterday or today. he just...he's gone.
i'm sad. so so sad. i'm pissed. i want to break everything. i am a ball of "fuck this" that wants to explode. and thats not even the kicker. the kicker is that i feel like i know a secret, and it sickens me.
i feel for his mom Jodi and dad Tom. The problem is that he and his wife were split. they've been toxic and fighting for some time now, and my buddy was unhappy with her and the relationship. now that he's gone, his wife is the one setting up everything, and the gofundme that a family friend setup is talking about how happy they were and how good for each other they were. they're pretending that nothing was wrong and it sickens me, clearly something was wrong, he fucking killed himself.
i feel like i have the most important information that i can't do anything with, because it will just make things worse, and i don't have any proof other than the long late night conversations he and i had. i just hate so much that *now* she cares and wants to be his wife again now that his house, trucks, motorcycle, and dogs need somewhere to go. idk man, this whole thing just sickens me.
i miss you, man. my keyboard is wet and my eyes are drowning and my heart is so, so heavy. i love you dude, i can't wait to see you again
