Coming up on 4 months? Let's see, what have you missed...
I think the deeper I dive into understanding myself, I've come to realize what my weaknesses still are. The intimidation I feel in starting a task, for one. The pressure I put on myself to not start anything I cannot perfect on the first try, being another. And here specifically, making sure I bring all the right words to say, despite me intending for this to be a safe space for trial and error.
Many times I've come to this place with the intention to just write. No agenda, no table of contents, nothing but a feeling or even a craving to let my head breathe on virtual paper. But the more years I've lived, the higher the expectation I've put on the level of insight I revisit this platform with. Like, being away from this blog has been study abroad and coming home here means expressing what I have to show for it. I've spent all this time away -- spent money, energy and resources, what can I say I've gained?
So I pose the question for myself, a writing prompt if you will:
What the hell have I learned?
Well for one, I've learned that no matter how much you know yourself and know what you have to offer, you'll never know or be fully prepared for the things that will happen on your path. Whether it's destiny or coincidence, planned or a surprise, life will always keep moving around you, with or without you. You can't always control what will happen or when, to you or anyone else, but you can always always control the way you respond to it.
I think a key practice I've had to lean on this past year is "openness;" Allowing every experience to have its moment both negative and positive. Not rushing through the process of pain, loss, grief, confusion, frustration, excitement, joy, and love. Each and so many more, being pillars of the shared home that is the human experience, constantly revealing what our souls are still sensitive to and why.
A humbling thing for me, especially while living out the last few days of my twenties, is realizing that although I've come to understand how to manage most of my insecurities, a few of them still restlessly exist. That, because I've been safe and sheltered away from any normal triggers, that I fooled myself into thinking I've found solutions. Although I wouldn't say I've been hiding, I can admit I have created distance between me and the fears I have yet to face.
While most would say I have a pretty good handle on things -- that I've built something solid, that I'm in my prime -- I'm noticing how overdue I am for a touch up. Having these past few days to myself, to sleep, to work, to reset & to chip away at planning my upcoming birthday trip, has left moments in between for me to look in the mirror and sit with the woman staring back at me.
I can't even begin to express how necessary it's been to finally catch up with myself. The person I've become has aged so much. It's a bittersweet process, reflecting on the last decade. The changes, the experiences, the people and things lost and gained... no wonder I look and feel so exhausted. I'm relieved to have this moment of clarity, that I'm taking the time to acknowledge and make note of where I'm at while I end this chapter of my life; But my pride is having a hard time accepting how much I still have to work on.
There really is nothing that challenges you like learning how to properly love and protect yourself. No matter how many times you think you've got it down, you'll always experience things that will have you second guessing it. What you've missed lately is the journey I've been on and the answers I've found, only to arrive here at another crossroads. The more I know, the more options there are for my life to take. The wiser I get, the more questions I have.
This is the most adult thing I've ever done -- admitting that I am actually afraid.
The second, is realizing that I don't always have to be fearless.