Azurith2.0

[azurith2]

Of course you've moved on. you're not the one actually in pain. You're not the one with a hit piece full of lies floating out there about you. Lies you made up. You're not the one standing there with a dagger in their back from someone they thought of as a good friend. IE You're not the victim here. People always want the people they hurt to shut up and move on. That's classic abuser talk "Everyone else is over it. why aren't you"

Youre still not owning up to what you actually did to me. Can't take responsibility and admit your lies. You're right opening up to a trusted friend is. normal, which is what I did with you, I trusted you. You asked me for honesty and I gave it too you. And I said over and over again shit wasn't your fault. This? This is your fault.

Edit: Also yah normalize blocking someone rather than telling them how you feel and working through problems, not letting them know anything is wrong. That will make everything better..

[azurith2]

So had someone send me this. So now you're trying to run with the narrative I forced you to write when all I ever did was encourage you because you kept insisting you were terrible. When are you going to be an adult and actually talk to me about this shit? You're being really fucking petty and you know it. You were never a carbon copy of me, but you were always jealous that my stuff got more attention than yours. Also I did manage to recover the novel you trashed. You *did* have a genuine friend, and you burnt your bridges for what? I had some sliver of senses less hope you'd own up to the shit you've put me through. One of your last messages being how you didn't know why stuff was happening, reassured me you weren't going anywhere. I've seen the messages of you laughing at me.

Stop acting like a fucking child, I get the rest of them are but you aren't. You watched them threaten me over my family and still continue with this nonsense.

You know my husband had to take off work and sit with me to make sure I didn't do something stupid? You've been cruel and heartless, and I never did any of the things you claimed. All I ever did was try to lift you up when you were at your worst. I suffered though a lot to stick with you. I put huge mental toll on myself to try and help you through the worst even when it was detrimental to me. I cried, and woke up many times afraid you wouldn't be there. But you try to paint me as a controlling abusive monster?

Stop acting like you did nothing wrong, stop acting like you have no part in this. You're a huge part of it and you know it. You masqueraded as my friend, and have done a lot of damage to my mental health. I feel used, like you only kept me around to flatter you and lift your spirits up, and threw me out like garbage when you got bored.

[twstanon]

Anon report from Az's server.

I made a Tumblr for this, I'm not saying who I am because I don't want to risk being attacked myself. But I was actually on Az's server for some time, and I'm sick at seeing how these people are treating Az. I wasn't on the VA server, nor was I around when apparently there was drama with another server so I can't comment on that. But, I was around for a while, and interacted some. For the most part, Az's server was warm and inviting. It was one of the few places I felt comfortable talking and I was sad and slightly distressed to see it go. I went looking for why and was shocked to find the document and people trying to attack Az. From what I saw, Az was usually encouraging, though sometimes blunt, and I can see how Az might rub some people the wrong way, but nothing like what was described in the document. What I can say is that both Bon and Retro often referred to the server as their "Comfort server" and they all seemed to have pretty good camaraderie. Especially Retro, who Az even handed the server over to for a while. I don’t think you’d do that if you didn’t trust the person. I was there the night the VA server was created, though I only lurked in that channel because I wasn't a part of it, and I was on the night that Bon came in upset about what had happened on her server. I actually happened to think that it was incredibly rude of her to do so.

Personally, I think the reason Bon and Retro were made to feel guilty, is because they were guilty. Az stated the truth, what Bon was complaining about was exactly what she had done. If your feelings are affected by someone being open and honest with you, then thats on you. Its no excuse to attack the person who made you feel that way. I’m also flabbergasted at many of the other accusations in the document. They do not line up with my experiences at all. Poor mental health was a common topic on the server, but that was because many of us suffered from mental health issues and tried to comfort each other.  Some of her darker subject matter is what attracted me to Az’s writing in the first place. Many of us readers would find comfort in those stories. It was also something Retro frequently wrote about. 

I do remember when Bon was made a mod, and then within a day no longer one. I didn’t know what caused it, but didn't want to pry. I know Az was struggling at the time, because almost immediately after they left the server themselves. I think holding a mental breakdown that severe against someone is terrible. I saw Az's post talking about how they were suicidal at the time, and I wish they'd spoke up more. I don't know what went on in DMs (I find it sus Az is willing to release them and Retro is against it.) But I cannot believe that Az would ever encourage her to do anything bad. They were clearly suffering themselves and didn't need to take anything from someone else. As far as the accusations of being racist and transphobic, I never got that vibe from Az. It's not racist to like the characters the way they are in the game, and there were otherwise constant racial edits posted to the server it seemed like, and the edits were never deleted or taken down. I was not around/active at the time any of it happened, but I know Az often said she was rules oriented like Riddle, and liked to stick close to canon. This is all speculation but from my semi outside perspective, Everyone involved sound like a bunch of jealous teenagers throwing a fit because they didn't get their way. They screwed up and rather than deal with it, they tried to destroy someone.

[azurith2]

Thank you for speaking up. I get why you wouldn't want to name yourself with these rabid vultures, who knows who they'd try to turn on next. (You'll probably be blocked and called an alt I think its funny at this point that they seem to think I have all these alts when I literally have none) If you want however to reconnect on discord feel free to message me. If not I understand.

[azurith2]

A Letter to My (Former) Best Friend

So, I've decided against any private message, legal matters aside I'm still just overwhelmed this person would turn on me overnight. Everyone meaningful in the situation knows who I'm talking about. But this is a letter I wrote them on May 17, when they were really low and I was afraid of losing them to themselves. I'll let the rest of you decide if this sounds like someone who would encourage others to harm themselves. I'm still sick, I realize now that they were never really honest with me like they promised. That they were talking our private conversations and running to other people, twisting my words to them, and breeding hatred for me. I don't really understand why. I really would have done anything for them. I still have a hole inside me that will likely never go away now. And I just say anyone who trusts this person now, be careful because you're probably next.

I don’t honestly know if I’m helping you, or trying to get you to realize you’re not worthless is actually making you mad, and pushing you away. I know it's not what you want to hear when you’re feeling this way but it's true. You mean a lot to me, more than I can express, and I’m not going to give up on you because everyone else in your life makes you feel like garbage. I know it's only been since October since we really started talking, but like you expressed with Vil, you really have changed my life. I feel less alone than I did before, I finally have someone who gets what's going on in this crazy fucked up brain. Like I'm not as *broken* 

I’ve had a lot of people leave me too, and I know it's selfish but I can’t stand the thought of you leaving me too, especially because your brain is making you feel like you don’t deserve to be around. I don’t think I could handle it if that happened, I’ve been avoiding saying that because I..don’t want to try and guilt trip you, but I have to be honest. 

You’re brilliant and beautiful, and it kills me that you can’t see it. That other people in your life can’t see it. But I refuse to give up on the one person in this fucking hellhole that I can be myself around and be honest with. I am *not* leaving you. I’m not like the rest of those assholes, you have so much meaning and value to me I can’t even begin to find the right words. You are my best friend, the first person I’ve ever been able to say that confidently about. I know that may sound trivial but it's really not. I don’t make friends easily and even the ones I have IRL don’t really *get me* I’ve been told I’m too much, I’ve shut down talking about things I like because I’m overwhelming and drive them away. I can’t be me. I’m not afraid to admit I need you in my life. 

I’m sorry this is my own…self anxiety Idk? But I want to get this out, I’ve said bits of this over and over I know but. I wanted you to know that even if no one else does, there is someone out there that does care a lot about you. That would do damn near anything for you, and really truly does care. And you do deserve that, you deserve for everyone in your life to feel that way. And I’m just sorry that I can’t be enough.

[azurith2]

My response to Bons post

So I made a "side blog" to make sure this gets seen, it seems to have been removed from their post that I reblogged.

There is a lot to unpack here, first off the incident with your server, I've already admit to multiple times that I was in the middle of a mental break down when the incident with Hades happened. That it was my fault, I spoke more at length about this with "my best friend" because we talked more, but I was actively suicidal. I apologized to both you and her.

"Blaming you" for my server falling apart, I never said a word to you about it until you came on my server complaining about someone making a server from your server and all the activity on yours dying, and then I pointed out that's what you did on my server. You specifically have a rule about not making new servers from your server now because of this. And I more blamed it on the death of our VA project.

I did the night the server was made go to mu friend because I was having a panic attack associating it with the shit Hickory did. *Beacsue we were friends* I never asked them to delete the server or not continue with the project.

Nothing I ever said was meant as a guilt trip to you, I remember specifically telling you that you'd done nothing wrong.

Now as for me joining yours, I never really wanted to, but did anyway because I didn't want to disappoint my friend. They put a lot of pressure on me, and after I snapped I was clearer with my feelings, Something they said they wanted.

Even later tho when they tried to blame themselves for the incident I took 100% responsibility. I did have some bad medication, and it had me really screwed up mentally and physically. I communicated all of this to both of you. Also I don't ever remember asking for Lee to be kicked, I'll go back over our dms and make sure, but I specifically remember venting to them because they were an owner and my friend. I may be wrong tho I was not myself during that time and actively suicidal (said friend actually asked me what my plan was tho, so that was nice)

Yeah my behavior on your server was shit, that's part of why I never attempted to go back even after I got my medication straight. I've already apologized to you both over the incident I'm not sure what else you want from me there. If you still had issue with me after that you could have come to me instead of pulling this

The incident with Hickory, no it was another not proud moment of mine, she had me so on edge I was afraid to talk on my own server, this is the time period my friend and I started talking more in DMs. Yeah I blew up, but I'd found I'd been lied to, and had people going behind my back, purposely keeping secrets from me. and again I'd apologized for my explosive reaction. Hickory did a lot of damage but I at first didn't talk about her at all. I never attempted to "turn everyone against her" we had a night where we mutually vented about the situation. I didn’t go out warning people away from her, she was gone and I just wanted to move on. It's nothing like what you're attempting to do to me now. And like you noted, I tried to reach out to her to talk things out, before things got bad.

As for your issues with me and joining in on HC discussions on the server, I was sharing my opinions just the same as you guys were. I never silenced anyone, I could have just kicked people I disagreed with. in fact one incident got out of hand because I didn't want to just kick them. If me disagreeing with your head.canon is enough to make you not want to use it, then I'm sorry but maybe you put to much stock into my opinion. That was one of the issues I had with Hickory, she sought me out as a source of validation and I couldn't be that for her.

As for the incident of running someone off the server, again yes I argued with them, but Hickory is the one that was super aggressive. I should have acted sooner and removed her as a mod but I didn't because she had me afraid. But ultimately the person ran off had devolved into personal attacks rather than debating the characters merit and that was major no no.

Its also part of the reason I removed you as a mod, which by the way I was hesitant to do anyway, because you were a minor, but our friend talked me into it. I didn't want a repeat of regretting how things went with Hickory.

As for the incident with Jamil and Kalim’s recolor, I made that comment, because they seemed to be going for more Canon accurate not just looking to make them darker for dark skin Arab rep. Because that card was ridiculous.

As for the comment about the weird HC with 500, I never specifically said what it was. and it was in comparison to the like 20 notes my friend had gotten on a gorgeous peice of artwork. I also was trash talking the memes I made that got a lot of notes. I think you're really trying hard here with that one.

As for my thoughts of trans Cater, there was a reason I never wrote it, I admitted it was a bad idea. I wasn't Trans and couldn't represent it properly. And I wasn't adding trauma, the stuff with his sisters is written into his character.

As for my thoughts on race swapping in general, my argument was that it wasn’t right to yell at someone who may draw say Leona a little lighter because they identify with him, and wanted him to look more like them, and yet turn around and race sawp another character. I personally also prefer characters as the races they are presented in game, but expressed that was a personal preference. My major issue was the ",It's okay when I do it, but not when they do it" mentality.

As for the Vampire thing I'm very confused, there wasn't much of anything said after the earlier raid, and when you left. I never called anyone a vampire (and why would I use that degotory I like vampires, I made Cater one?) and I would never dismiss someone's fight with cancer. Cancer sucks, I've lost a lot of people in my life to it.

I think that was most of the major points, and again I don't know why you let any of this go on so long rather than talking with me. You never said a word about how you felt, when I'd been honest with mine.

Addon: Being upset about the Riddles mom is Cater’s doctor thing is so weird. I said that cuz I'd made their mother's friends because rich and powerful women, had nothing to do with them being in the same country. You forget *mirror travel* exists .