It was my birthday weekend
I invited you over because it had been so long, you were one of my best friends, someone I called a brother. You were always there to protect me, until that night at the beach house.
I had never been very fond of the beach, maybe it was the bad memories or maybe it was the way the sand sits between every crevasse of your body in the most uncomfortable way or how the ocean is so loud it reminds me of gunshots when it crashes down
I looked forward to the beach house for weeks hoping to find peace there; an escape. Maybe where I went wrong first was inviting you to come the first night there. I guess I didn’t give myself a chance to find peace. You came late, it was 10pm. I was tired but I wanted to see you. You arrived and I had already been drinking a little. It was my birthday after all. We drove to the liquor store to get you and your friend a drink, you picked a seltzer, I thought that was weird, you usually like things much stronger
We got back to the house, I sat down on the couch and looked down at my phone. Suddenly I felt a hand on my face and next came your lips, I pulled away. I thought, what is he doing? Where did this come from? All of four years of knowing you and you’ve never done that. I found it to be quite odd but shook it off. We all sat in the couch to watch a movie and you instantly put your hand down my shirt and placed it on my breasts. Did you just come here for that, friend? I felt frozen and confused.
I asked my best friend to follow me to the bathroom, and told her what was happening and how I felt uncomfortable. After that things get blurry, I remember you kept trying to get me alone, and we kept trying to ask you and your friend to leave, but you wouldn’t, we hoped you’d get tired. I asked my best friend to stay beside me just in case. I walked to my room, to grab a hairbrush. She was right behind me. I remember picking it up and hearing the door behind me slam shut and locked. It wasn’t my best friend, it was you. You pushed me onto the bed and planted your hands and lips on my body like it was yours. I yelled please stop, I begged you. Please, stop. Is all I could say.
My bestfriend banging on the door, you ignoring her. You picked me up and pushed my face against the bed, I couldn’t even breathe, and then you took it from me, something that’s already been stolen so many times before, my body, my choice. I was so in shock, I didn’t even realize what had happened. I wanted to protect you, can you believe that? My bestfriend got into the room and started screaming at you. I ran out the front door, I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I couldn’t stay there.
I thought, maybe I could talk to you. Maybe you didn’t know what you had just done to me. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. Maybe, it was my fault. I pulled you outside and told you I never wanted that, and I never will. You grabbed me and tried to kiss me while I was saying those words. Do you even listen? Is this body of mine all that I’m good for? Four years. Four years you and I had, how could I ever trust anyone? But you weren’t the first to betray me, but you were the first I tried to fight. I pushed and I kicked and I yelled but I still wasn’t strong enough to stop you. I wonder if I’ll ever get to know what it’s like to be wanted for more than what you and so many others took from me. You see I never had a choice, but you did. And I’ll never forgive you for the nightmares and the pain and fear I feel when I see your name. You will haunt me forever, friend.
