Im not sure if this has been answered on your page so I apologize if this is a repeat!
How do you balance d/s in a way where the submissive doesn't become completely dependent on the dominant figure? I am in a relationship with someone in the military who can deploy at any time and I'm struggling with the balance, I either try to be too independent and closed off or completely dependent where if he's gone even for a short training trip I'm a bit of a mess.
I have a few mental health issues and am disabled, I'm in treatment for everything but he really is my rock when im, say, in a depressive episode or a flare up and am struggling with motivation. I take care of myself in a literal sense but its the drive to function outside of basic care needs (like college, work, hobbies etc) that is a struggle for me to get myself to do without him around because he enforces thpse kinds of things when he's around, but ive never been able to get myself on a routine without the reinforcement.
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but I really enjoy your perspective on things. thank you for reading this!!
I have never been in a situation similar to yours, so take this all with a grain of salt.
I have to think that most people who are partners with someone in the military struggle when their partner leaves without much notice. Not just with being sad but also with the change to their own routine.
My stepdad was a long-haul trucker and even though his weekly schedule was usually the same, I know my mom struggled with switching from her routine during the week without him, to our routine when he was home. I've also heard people who share custody of their kids talk about how it's hard for them and their kids to transition from time alone with their new partner vs time with the child home, or from time with just their bio kids home to time with their stepkids coming to visit, etc. I think anytime we have people coming in or out of the household it's normal to struggle with how that changes routines a bit.
Would it help if you made a specific routine that is different for when he is away? Maybe make that routine with his help, and maybe one that is a bit more lax, so it doesn't overwhelm you when you're struggling with him being gone?
That way you wouldn't be trying to hold yourself to your 'normal when he's home' routine when he isn't there? That may just be too much to expect of yourself.
I am not sure that I really have much advice as far as how to avoid D/s causing dependency. My perspective is that (usually) D/s doesn't cause dependency, but D/s can cause subs to do more than they could/would have done without a dom, so then when the dom isn't around i can seem like the sub has regressed or become dependent...but if the sub was just doing more tha their usual because of the doms support...then that isn't necessarily a bad thing in the way that true dependency would be, in my opinion.
I think all people can do more or achieve more with support from others. I think we see that as very normal in certain settings, like getting a workout buddy to help motivate you tos how up at the gym when you may just sleep in if your workout buddy wasn't going to be waiting on you. I think D/s is usually closer to that example...and if someone was successful at work out regularly with a workout buddy, but then backslid after their workout buddy gave up...I don't think we'd see that as a dependency. It's more like...just being back to being left without a tool or without as much support, so it's understandable that you'd be a bit less successful.
I still think it's reasonable to want to be able to maintain those skills without that tool or support..but I think the key to that is usually related to mental health or things like that, and you said you're already in treatment for your mental health so it seems like you're already trying to work on the areas you want to work on...which is great, and I think that is kind of all you can really do?
I will invite others to chime in if they have related experiences or advice. :)
