I'm Amy, I'm in my early 30's and submissive. My Dominant partner is @CynicalDom. We're monogamous and 24/7 D/s. We have a podcast called Over The Knee. My asks are always open for any/all respectful questions. 18+ only. My main tags for my original content: #writing | #anecdotes | #asks. My Other tags: #vanilla to D/s | #other writers | #new to D/s.
Short posts or anecdotes get tagged #anecdotes. Asks that I answer are tagged #asks. When I add a caption to a photo it goes under #captions. Posts that that I think may interest those going from vanilla to D/s are tagged #vanilla to D/s. Posts that I think may interest those new to D/s are tagged #new to D/s.
Ever plan on posting about your DD relationship anymore?
I don't see myself ever going back to posting regularly. I feel bad that some wish I would. I appreciate that interest, but it's just not where I'm at in life anymore.
I do hope to do kind of a general update. I've started drafts a few different times and never got around to finishing them. I have some stuff to say about the mental health work I've been doing the last few years and such.
You marry the inner child of of your spouse, not the outer adult.
You don’t just marry the adult standing in front of you. You marry the kid inside them, the one who still flinches at rejection, still aches for safety, still remembers what it felt like to be unseen. Every partner carries an invisible backpack carrying their childhood: the praise they got, the shame they absorbed, the needs that went unmet.
That’s who shows up in conflict. That’s who gets activated when you walk away mid argument or go quiet when they need reassurance. That’s who lights up when you say “I’ve got you” or wrap your arms around them when they’re spiraling.
We get fooled by the outer adult, the career, the confidence, the curated image. But peel that back and the relationship is really between two kids who still long for comfort, safety, and love without conditions.
Real intimacy begins when you stop fighting the outer adult and start responding to the fragile, messy, hurt child underneath. It means instead of reacting to the sharp words, you hear the fear behind them. Instead of shutting down when they demand too much, see the little one inside who once felt abandoned.
This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means recognizing what’s really happening: a child is asking for reassurance in the only way they know how. And when you can hold that truth, when you can meet the inner child of your spouse with steadiness, kindness, and boundaries, you stop recycling the same old fights and start building something healing.
Love is not about two polished adults shaking hands and saying, “let’s do life.” Love is about being brave enough to face the ghosts you both carry, to soothe each other’s wounds, to nurture the parts of you that never stopped needing. Giving each other a corrective love experience.
That’s where relationships transform, from surface connection to soul-level intimacy. That’s where love grows softer, deeper, and less conditional.
Will you guys ever put your podcast episodes back on SoundCloud? Love your blogs!!
Thank you! :)
We'd likely only put our stuff back on SoundCloud if we were regularly making new episodes again, as the reason we left there was we had to pay a monthly fee just to keep the old ones up which didn't make sense to pay for indefinitely when we weren't active with making new episodes.
I used to think we would go back to making new episodes at some point but for a few years now it's not really even gotten very close to becoming a high priority for us. We enjoyed it for sure, but we have so many other priorities these days that it's kind of hard for me to imagine that ever being something we carve out time for regularly again. At the same time, we are in a part of life with lots of growth and change so I really am not sure how things may evolve over time. Maybe we will eventually find ourselves in a place where it becomes a priority again. Only time will tell, I think. :)
I'm back here formerly known as @lg-secretsx and just wanted to say hi it's been like 5 years and I'm excited to read your content again and updates!!!
This didn't show me your new username :(. Welcome back though!
I haven't posted anything new in forever but I am doing well and I hope you are, too!
What Do I Do With the Parts of Me That Get Off on Being Hated?
Content Note: This piece explores themes of degradation kink, erotic shame, trauma recovery, and emotional complexity in submission. Mentions of objectification, self-abandonment, and survivor patterns. Please read with care.
There are cravings I still hesitate to name. Not the sweet ones. Not the ones about surrender or touch or even pain. I mean the ones that live deeper—coiled tight with shame. The ones that whisper, I want you to hate me. I want you to ruin me. I want you to spit in my mouth and call me a thing, not a person. And I want to come undone from it.
Sometimes I want to be stripped of power, pressed into silence, and treated like a toy. Not just used—but discarded. It turns me on in a way I don’t entirely understand. And sometimes it terrifies me.
In recovery, I’ve been taught to listen to the signal behind the craving. To slow down and ask: Is this coming from a place of need—or from a place of pain? And the truth is, sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes it feels like both.
For context:
What I’m describing is often called a degradation kink—a form of consensual play where being insulted, humiliated, or stripped of dignity becomes part of the turn-on. It can look like name-calling, being objectified, spit on, ignored, mocked, broken down emotionally or physically. It’s intense. It’s taboo. And it’s far more common than most people admit. Psychologist and kink researcher Dr. Brad Sagarin notes that “degradation and humiliation kinks often allow individuals to explore deep emotional vulnerabilities in a structured, consensual context.”
But what if that vulnerability isn't just roleplay? What if part of me believes I deserve to be hated? That’s where the shame creeps in. And it’s where I start to question: is this just a new language for an old wound?
Before I ever called myself submissive, I was already performing for men. I let them treat me however they wanted, because I thought love looked like endurance. I thought being wanted meant being small. Being silent. Being good.
Now, I give permission. Now, I ask for things. I tell men I want to be degraded, made powerless, called a slut or a thing. Sometimes I even mean it literally: “Use me like a toy. I want to be nothing but function.” And I do feel powerful, in a twisted way, when I orchestrate that. When I control my own objectification. When I say, “Ruin me,” and I don’t flinch.
But I still wonder: am I healing—or am I reenacting the same self-hatred, just with better lighting?
Author and trauma educator Melissa Febos writes in Girlhood that “erotic desire is shaped by shame as much as it is by pleasure—and often, the two become indistinguishable.” That line haunts me. Because it makes sense. The same part of me that learned to be desirable through self-abandonment is now scripting scenes where that abandonment becomes sexy. Empowering, even. But does that mean it’s safe?
When I hand someone the script—Call me a whore. Spit on me. Don’t ask me if I’m okay until it’s over—that feels like agency. That feels like I’m in control of the degradation. I choose it. I orchestrate it. But not always. Sometimes I get off because I don’t have to make a decision. Because being hated is easier than being loved. Because it quiets the part of me that’s always trying to be good. And that’s when I start to feel scared. Because the part of me that gets off on being hated doesn’t always care if I feel okay afterward.
As trauma therapist Dr. Jamie Marich puts it, “Survivors often return to what is familiar. Sometimes, that includes being treated in ways that replicate harm—not because they like it, but because the nervous system confuses it with home.”
So I check in with myself: Am I choosing this now, or am I being pulled into a pattern I haven’t healed yet? Do I feel seen afterward—or just used? Can I talk about the scene with my partner—or do I feel embarrassed, ashamed, afraid it’ll make them stop wanting me?
The truth is, there’s no clear answer. Sometimes I crave degradation because it brings me into my body. Sometimes it helps me rewrite old scripts. And sometimes I just like it—and that’s okay too. But I keep asking the questions. I keep grounding myself in partners who can handle the weight of what I’m asking for. I talk. I write. I don’t just chase the craving—I try to listen to it.
And maybe that’s the most honest thing I can do.
Because yes, there are parts of me that get off on being hated.
And yes, sometimes I worry that I’m still trying to hurt myself in prettier ways.
But I’m here. I’m awake inside it. And that means something.
I would appreciate the chance to have a conversation about marriage, gender roles, and various other topics. If you're interested, let me know ASAP. Please, thanks.
I'm not really one for chatting a ton on here. But for you or anyone else curious...
I'm a far leftist, atheist feminist. I don't think D/s or kink has anything to do with our gender. If you want to play with gender roles that's cool but it's important to distinguish between what titillates you and what is real or what you actually believe about gender, authority, consent, etc.
If anything related to D/s or kink appears more common in men than women or vise-versa, I'd chalk that up to social conditioning and living under patriarchy and authoritarianism.
I'm not anti-marriage (I'm married) but I was with my partner unmarried for a LONG time and getting married changed nothing that would be relevant to this tumblr account.
Part of why I don't fuck with misogyny kink anymore (it's super hot) is that I watched one of my friends fall into a hole about it. Eventually if you say a thing enough you begin to believe it, and eventually he believed it was true that his wife is inferior to him and that he was the arbiter of the truth because of his sex.
I'm down with RACK but that's outside of my risk profile.
I would appreciate the chance to have a conversation about marriage, gender roles, and various other topics. If you're interested, let me know ASAP. Please, thanks.
I'm not really one for chatting a ton on here. But for you or anyone else curious...
I'm a far leftist, atheist feminist. I don't think D/s or kink has anything to do with our gender. If you want to play with gender roles that's cool but it's important to distinguish between what titillates you and what is real or what you actually believe about gender, authority, consent, etc.
If anything related to D/s or kink appears more common in men than women or vise-versa, I'd chalk that up to social conditioning and living under patriarchy and authoritarianism.
I'm not anti-marriage (I'm married) but I was with my partner unmarried for a LONG time and getting married changed nothing that would be relevant to this tumblr account.
Maybe it's just my former neglected child swag but I really hate it when people act like iPads or some technology or whatever is an independent entity which can in and of itself cause what are literally just symptoms of child neglect. Like. Come on. Put on your thinking cap. If a child literally cannot hold a pencil by the time they enter school, if they have absolutely no emotional regulation skills or situational awareness, if they don't know how to entertain themselves to an extent that it's interfering with basic developmental milestones. And the parent either doesn't understand or doesn't care or simply hasn't noticed that this is maybe not fine. Do we think the sole and primary issue going on here is rooted in. The evil technology that melts your brain or whatever. Like sorry does the iPad have legs. Is it gonna sit up and run and start eating people too
Ok. I don’t know why it keeps coming across my dash… and also was in a podcast I listened to this week.
But it’s one that’s not always understood well, and very quickly/easily can turn unethical.
And it’s one I have experience with. It is permanently on my hard limits list now, but I have years of experience with it, from a bottom/subby perspective. So….. here we go. I will not share which ex this was with. If anyone has other questions… feel free to ask and I’ll answer them.
Findom.
I’ll start by saying there’s a lot of perspectives to approach this one, and, if you’re gonna ever dip your toe in, from EITHER side, you need to make sure that you and the person you’re doing it with are in alignment for what you want from it. A written agreement in advanced is not a bad idea here.
Some do it just for play, and don’t want an emotional connection with the bottom. For the bottoms who really really enjoy humiliation… that can work. But this side of things was not my experience.
I did it within a relationship, and am someone who needs deep emotional connection for a relationship in the first place. So, that side of the coin is where my experience and insight come from.
The person I did this with was long distance. Across an ocean long distance. So in person service and care wasn’t something I had the opportunity to give often. For me, the thrill and rush of giving in this manner came because it allowed me to physically impact his world for the positive, even when I could not be physically in his presence. I couldn’t make him tea when he was ill. But I couldn’t buy him a heated blanket or coffee. I couldn’t massage his feet, but I could pay for a massage. I couldn’t clean or cook, but could buy a meal or clothes. For me, it was a way to bring us physically closer, even when we were physically apart. Because of that, it actually meant a great deal to me for a long time.
For a long time, I felt like it was ethically done in that relationship, so, I’ll share some things about that.
For starters, we went through my spending and financial world together in some pretty thorough detail. He took control of my budget, which allowed me to still live a healthy (but severely restricted) life and also send him a certain percentage of every check I got. We called it “Tithe” cause we skewed a bit religious on occasion.
After that, I ended up starting my business, and, it was before my ADHD was diagnosed. He helped me stay organized, built a structure for my schedule (I cannot tell you how big of a help this was. Going from all structure being handed to you by an employer to a free-for-all cause suddenly you’re the boss was a challenge!). Helped me manage the business, tended to work spreadsheets, and we worked together on major decisions. Tithe continued, and, ended up increasing as my income increased.
When things got tight because of a major business purchase, we paused Tithe.
He never had access to my bank details.
All of that I believe was ethical, and a good way to approach it from within an existing dynamic. When it started, I felt very much that my safety was the priority, so it was safe to give.
I do not believe it stayed ethical. He was in charge of my schedule and my budget. For a while I was working 7 days a week, for long hours. Eventually I was given Sundays off and things started to get a bit better. But I was working and growing the business and some resentment started to creep in. I was working hard and my budget was *strict* and didn’t increase as my income increased. I felt as if I was working my ass off, and he was reaping every benefit of that, and, it sucked. I wanted to serve, but, I also wanted to buy new work shoes, and couldn’t. They sat on my “wish list” for over a year before I was given permission for them.
At one point when we were fighting, he insisted that I “owed” him the cumulative amount of what I would have paid during the pause that he suggested, all at once. Said that he had budgeted for it, and tax would be an issue if I didn’t give him that.
I don’t know when he changed how he was viewing it, but, he came to view it as something I owed him, rather than something I was giving. He tried to say I owed him for the help he’d given on the business, even though that had never been discussed or negotiated. Tithe started before the business was even something I’d thought about. He started downplaying how much I was doing, while aggrandizing what he did. Said he managed and I was “just a good do-er”. And kept insisting I owed it to him for his help. (He backtracked on that when I suggested reporting it as pay to the government instead of a gift tho 🤔). He said I couldn’t have done it without him.
We hit a breaking point where it stopped feeling good at all for me. And I said as much. He told me he would back off and wouldn’t mention it again unless I brought it up. Then two weeks later, after edging me for an hour, asked for more.
He started using emotional blackmail to get more. Telling me he had one girl before me who’d give, and he lost interest when she stopped. Threatening to pull away. The only way to ease arguments was to give, and then he’d go “oh baby, you do actually love me…” as if it was the only thing I could do to remind him.
I used to keep a journal and got to the point where I was predicting days in advance that he was going to start a fight and ask for more. Based on how he’d withdraw and start treating me.
None of that was ethical. None of that should have happened. If you choose to start playing with Findom, and your bottom is uncomfortable, wanting to stop, feeling resentful… you damn well better stop. Pushing for more and more, using guilt or emotional withdrawal to coerce the bottom is dangerous, for the relationship, for the bottom, for their emotional health and well being…. It pretty much pisses on your entire duty as a D-type. Do. Not. Do. That.
It is your job as the D-type in that situation to check yourself repeatedly and often.
Due to my experience, I tend to believe it is significantly more safe if the bottom is the one to ask for it, not the Top. (I guess that’s different if you’re running a business with it, or the type who isn’t wanting an emotional connection. Just make sure the bottom is on the same page as you, and check in/communicate often).
I’m also not huge on humiliation. So… I fucking hated the term “pay piggy” literally made me sick to my stomach when I heard it. Felt like it went against everything the act meant for me. But I know some subs love it. Just depends on the person.
Some other points about playing with it safely.
It wasn’t addictive to me, but I know it is to some subs, both sides need to watchful for symptoms of that.
Some subs will feel immense shame if they are unable to give at a certain point. If they come to you and say they can’t anymore, DO NOT SHAME THEM! If they need to stop, don’t push them. Accept that with grace and understanding.
Could be a good idea to use a prepaid card, and when it’s gone, it’s gone.
Don’t use credit cards/go into debt to keep going.
Know your limits surrounding it and stick to them, be vigilant about creep.
It is such a good idea to have an agreement written up. It wouldn’t be legally binding in anyway, but it helps to keep it in perspective, and avoid creep on both sides.
As a top… check yourself, for real. The podcast I listened too mentioned a guy who had a girlfriend but also had a FinDomme, and she ended up blackmailing him into paying her rent even when he wanted to stop. DO NOT BE THIS ASSHOLE! Ffs, blackmailing is illegal, and, unless it’s been negotiated as something the bottom wants, is extremely unethical. Even if it was negotiated as something the bottom wanted, if they _truly_ want/need it to stop, continuing to blackmail them is unethical. Like… fuck. We shouldn’t have to say this. The Domme ended up blacklisted and banned from local community for this as well.
It follows the same basic principles of every other kink, ffs.
Don’t force it or coerce it.
Negotiate and communicate.
Remember they’re a human being.
Remember that in exchange for getting the power and control, it’s your responsibility to keep them safe/work within the agreed upon risk profile.
Venezuelan prisoners held in bluebonnet prison (TX) who fear being sent to CECOT form SOS in the prison yard. Photo taken by Reuters who flew over the prison in a small plane after being denied entry to the prison by ICE.
Marco Rubio announced a new “catch and revoke” policy regarding visa holders to revoke their visas if they have committed a crime (any crime, it appears). So “arrested for evading arrest” sounds like the way to ensure anybody can be removed from the country without due process.
Venezuelan prisoners held in bluebonnet prison (TX) who fear being sent to CECOT form SOS in the prison yard. Photo taken by Reuters who flew over the prison in a small plane after being denied entry to the prison by ICE.
Marco Rubio announced a new “catch and revoke” policy regarding visa holders to revoke their visas if they have committed a crime (any crime, it appears). So “arrested for evading arrest” sounds like the way to ensure anybody can be removed from the country without due process.
I’m holding on to hope, one day at a time—and today, I’m asking for your support. My family is living through a reality no one should have to face, and I’m doing my best to keep our voices heard.
📌 Please take a second to check out my pinned post.
🔄 Sharing it can help it reach someone who might be able to help.
🤍 If you’re able to give even a little, your generosity could ease a heavy burden.
Your support, your time, your care—it all matters more than you know.
