I haven’t been on here in what feels like ages.
Looking back seeing how I dumped my entire depressed little life on here for 4 years and another 4 years on my originial babycharra blog... I can’t read this blog today without tearing up now.
I fought LONG and HARD to be the person I am in this photo today.
I have become everything I wanted and worked for. A week after we were quarantined I got my real estate license. Something I had wanted and worked for.. for a very long time. The only thing that held me back was myself and my vices.
Today is Monday, June 8th 2020.
Some days when I am driving I can still see myself with my head in my hands in the bathroom of Griffin crying and praying to god “make it stop!” or myself drinking myself into oblivion just to feel okay again.
I almost felt like I was living with an invisible broken leg. I hurt so bad for so long and not many could see that. Small tasks that I do with ease now felt excruciating and impossible back then. When you paint a pretty picture for everyone online, put on a happy face and act as the life of the party it’s hard for everyone to see how hurt you actually are.
I don’t believe that anything necessarily stopped besides me not believing in anyone else besides myself.
I think when you’ve been called almost every name in the book as far as “crazy” goes and when the doctor gives you more than one “crazy” diagnosis and when your brain starts to work against you, you start to create this narrative about yourself and you paint yourself as a monster in your own story.
It has now been 4 months that I stopped taking all prescription medication. I know they say not to quit it cold turkey. I think I just kinda forgot.
I fell in love with my life (again?) or for the first time ever..
I work for a international luxury real estate brand, I can get a drink with friends without blacking out, I take vitamins, I workout with a trainer two times a week, I have surrounded myself with people who love me, I have a great family, I have amazing friends. Nothing is perfect of course but I am so much closer to creating what feels like a perfect life for myself.
There’s a handful of people that got me here but a big shoutout to Stephanie & Mark. The only two that I could literally tell the good, the bad, and the very ugly to and they still stood there for every second of it and get to see the best parts now. I don’t know if I’d be alive without either of you both being there for every step. Literally every step.
Sometimes I can’t believe how I feel today but this blog is living proof that no matter how far gone and how deep you’re in rock bottom, you can always get yourself out with a little help. Whether it’s psychiatric, therapeutic or just with the help of solid relationships. You can be the best version of yourself in a matter of time, a year, five years, eight years. It’s a fight worth fighting.
Stick around for life — it’s going to be great. You don’t want to miss it all!
