Lost
These days I often find myself contemplating the many possibilities of the “what ifs”. What if I decided back then to pursue something else? What if I actually did what I really felt doing? What if I pained for something that I was truly passionate about?
It’s actually quite painful to think that maybe, just maybe, things would have turned out differently if I actually included myself in the equation when I took those very important life decisions. I realized that for the most (if not the whole) of life, I had always put other people first before my own self and ended up forgetting, even losing myself throughout the journey. And it makes me feel frustrated. Like a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret doing the things I had to do for the people I love, and I really do want, with all my heart to see them happy and well taken care of. I just wished that I had done things a little differently. That I should have listened to what my heart was really telling me at those times. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to feel this miserable. Maybe I wouldn’t be as halfhearted in doing things. Maybe I would have put more of myself, more of my heart in what I am currently doing.
I am doing my best. But doing your best, and doing things with all your heart are two different things for me. For me, my best involves effort and commitment. However, pouring out your heart while doing things entails giving more than your effort or your commitment. It entails giving out a piece of you every time you do something. And it pains me to realize that I haven’t been able to that for God knows since when. I hate the idea of not immersing, giving out myself in doing things. But at the same time, it saddens me that I am not able to because in the first place, I don’t even know if I have myself to give.
I sound confusing right? Don’t worry, I’m just as confused (maybe more) than you are.
In the process of doing my best for the people I love, I had slowly detached my heart, my soul, my whole being, from the person I am today. I don’t know at what point along the road this started, because when I finally realized it was happening, it was already too late.
I had lost myself.
My heart.
My soul.
My burning passion.
My beautiful and ambitious dreams.
They were nowhere to be found in the person I had become after years of struggling to survive the jungle that was my world. It’s painful, really painful to learn that I had become so indifferent, so unconcerned, so unfeeling because I had no heart, no soul, no self to share with others. I am only living out the present simply because I had no more future to look forward to, because the person who had wonderful dreams was nowhere to be found in me.
I am not that person anymore. I had lost the girl who dreamed, who loved, and who gave it her all.
I had simply become an empty vessel that moves along day by day because the law of nature dictates me to do so. I had become someone who cannot dream, who cannot love, and it frustrates me so much that I have no idea how to bring back the person who started this journey. Where do I start looking for her? Does she even want to be found? Will it even change anything if I find her?
I do not know. At this point, I simply want to bring back a little spark that will help me find my way, and maybe myself, among these depressing dark woods that had become home.