baby megafauna

[babymegafauna]

So frustrated with letting myself be harmed by my own inaction (often via action taken in other directions, with only limited action capacity available). I see the wounding coming, and I let it crash down on me again & again.

(anxiety-wounding, shame-wounding, scarcity-wounding, self-disgust-wounding, overwhelm-wounding... many many forms of stress woundings)

My inner child-self is furious and wildly terrified. I don’t protect them.

[thescouring]

Bad bad feeling bad feeling bad

Total collapse of any organization & control, any structures, any touchpoints, most regulating tools

Core wound activation of how my existence is unwanted unwelcome a problem & it would be preferred if I just Was Not (& if I go on insisting on Being anyway, well, I sure better try to make up for it ongoing endlessly, better be apologetic & try to minimize the burden of that being, better be useful - more use than cost, better ingratiate, better acquiesce)

Gross terrible lonely sad ache aching chest through throat, pain anxiousness tension tension tension sad pain sad, pressure, pressure, hiding cornered wounded wailing (suppressed, suppressed)

Freeze response

No space for me

No space for me

[babymegafauna]

[babymegafauna]

Day before yesterday a lesbian friend of J---'s came over to visit her, & she was very pleasant & friendly & nice & all, but I overheard her talking about how painful it was for her that her daughter wouldn’t be having any children, that she would never tell her daughter that of course, but that she had hoped to be a grandmother, that so many young people these days are “choosing not to have babies”; twisting waves of quiet rage arose for me, about “choosing”. How could we, when we can barely survive ourselves? How could we, when everywhere is such danger? More of us would if there was any safety to bring them into.

Then today T---- started crying, was experiencing genuine grief about not being able to see his grandchildren next month; I felt flatness, I suppressed my anger, I tried to push my face into an expression of care. You got to have children at all. You get to have grandchildren. And I, prevented from ever doing so -- I’m now expected to manufacture & provide sympathy for you?

I’m very low on T right now; I was overdue and then only took 1/4 my usual dose. I already passed through the deepening of sad-hopeless-rawness & am now in the brittle hardness, the resentment, the bitterness.

Testosterone leaves me so soft and gentle and sweet, so eager... I’ve been wondering recently how much I might be using it to escape the full range of feeling -- to escape my expanses of grief and pain, the rough edges of my unkindness. How much I might be using it to self-placate, to create a linear narrative of getting-over, letting-go; to seep myself in, to saturate, to tenderize my body-being into the palatablility I performed lifelong but could never internally inhabit otherwise. There’s a meanness in me that I forget; a bound and staring viciousness, often unknown and always waiting.

Am I inducing myself into pleasantness?

Am I acquiescing?

Am I acquiescing?

[babymegafauna]

It is too hot & I sent a text earlier in the hopes of being reassured & the response was Super Not Reassuring & I don't want to be bothered by it but I am & I feel awful & don't want to do anything

[babymegafauna]

Persistently feeling real down recently I'm more or less handling things reasonably given what I have to work with, I just kinda feel awful throughout & ongoing Started taking Prozac daily about a week ago but it hasn't made any difference yet

[thescouring]

Also: My forearms are at least ¼ larger than they used to be (with muscle) and there’s more hair on my face and I feel a mush of deeply ambivalent emotions about it.

Brief T & trauma complaint (dear sibling, you may get a lil weirded out just fyi)

Keep reading

[babymegafauna]

Today I lay collapsed, kinda crying and whining and wailing and laughing at myself, about everything sounded horrible and how I was restless but also didn’t want to move and everything was too much and how I felt like I was being crushed with pain and sadness etc etc

Then @syntheticspiders encouraged me (w/ prim sassiness - hah) to finally do my T shot (I was four days overdue)....... and I immediately felt IMMENSELY better......

[thescouring]

I was hoping to somehow salvage this day, but like, nah. Took my first Xanax today and now it’s nap time.

(Thus far I’m not enjoying how it feels - emotional pain is still screeching but just muffled, & now my head feels heavy. Def just a last-resort kinda tool.)

[thescouring]

Today I went to see my doctor (the one I adore) & I cried a lot & was v keyed up & agitated & they were clearly Concerned & wanted to be helpful

Anyway then I got prescribed adderall again (!! RELIEVED!) & next month’s T & also 3 different anti-anxiety meds

In part b/c rn I feel searingly anxious & self-loathing & profoundly rejected when existing around any other human beings, regardless of whatever it is they’re doing - which is almost never anything particularly objectionable or concerning, really - my brain just decided to crank some lever up to the maximum setting of EVERYONE HATES YOU AND YOU SHOULD JUST DIE (w/ the sidenote of, “IF THEY DON’T YET THEY WILL IN A MOMENT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU TRY TO MAKE ANY RIDICULOUS UGLY CLUMSY WORDS COME OUT OF YOUR RIDICULOUS UGLY CLUMSY FACE”) and then snap the lever off there to make sure I can’t ever chill the fuck out for even a moment

As is typical w/ suppressing habits, I kinda set aside the whole thing w/ S & the “community” house & how all that went down and avoided thinking about it because it felt bad to do so & there’s so much else that’s pressing on me urgently, but as the major culmination of a series of losses and multiple breakups and chaos since December, that whole circumstance & the way it echoed past traumas & (to my mind) “validated” deep long-held fears - it seriously broke something crucial in my brain real badly, & I can hear the goddamn rattling around of whatever loose warped fragments are no longer holding some structural support pieces together & yeah, so, my brain is screaming some real bad thoughts at me that it hasn’t been fixated on like this in a long time, & literally no person feels safe to me any more (not b/c of them, but because I Will Ruin Everything)

Anyway I cried at the bus stop and I cried on the bus & then I went to the grocery store & came back to the house & made myself vegan nachos & I am kinda low key crying some more while I sit with my beautiful dog in this very pleasant shady backyard that is blessedly free of other people for now & maybe I will rest a while & then go fetch my prescriptions

[thescouring]

Tbh I’d way rather focus on Buddhism instead of DBT, which in many ways seems like a… more sterile, boring, clinical, colder, shallower version of the same basic skills/perspective. (The creator of DBT has since gone on to become a Zen master and put her focus there instead, also.) But I think I do need something intensive and structured with external accountability, and OHP will pay to cover me doing this PTSD DBT program, so. Yeah.

(It’s a minimum 6-month commitment; about 3.5 hrs per week of individual & group sessions, with daily journaling and regular homework, ongoing.)

Keep reading

[babymegafauna]

Sometimes I choose to serve as a vehicle for other people's self-learning -- But it is a choice, and a gift. And only sometimes.

[babymegafauna]

Wild animal perspective & brutal self-honesty I asked for clarity - I am getting it Sad eyed ache for what may break in the blooming, but onward brimming, bursting through, out, up I have never wanted to thrive so fiercely as I do now.

[babymegafauna]

Inner pull* installment #1

The footage in the documentary was edited from a previous television work by Vasuykov, with original production and voiceovers by Herzog. [source]

Cut down from a four-hour documentary by Vasyukov... [source]

Watched this on Netflix last night, and it felt like a lovely gift.

Some of that was definitely about seeing an unfamiliar place and watching the details of a way of life unfold, but the frequent presence of Yvgeny (the main person it focused on) was crucial - it didn’t give a lot of screentime to the native Tet people, but the person who spoke the most during that section was also compelling. Felt a lot of appreciation for Vasyukov‘s instincts in searching out those folks to talk to in particular. (Also, both of them were totally both MBTI iNtuitives, which always has a lot to do with whether I feel immediately resonant with a person or not...)

Herzog’s voiceover, however, was paternalistic, judgmental, startlingly simplistic, naively idolizing, and generally irritating...? I’m pretty certain that slathering his super basic good/bad assessments all over the footage was not an improvement at all. Ugh.

I’m trying to remember the last time I watched a film. It might have been when I re-watched Song of the Sea about two months ago? Since then it’s literally just been occasional Steven Universe and Adventure Time, and watching all of Over the Garden Wall in one sitting. I actually have a lot of things saved that I want to watch, though... mostly documentaries... and I want to return to Top of the Lake, also.

*I’m making a conscious effort to seek out things that I actually feel an internal pull to do, to redirect my current pattern of spending almost my entire existence reacting to whatever I think should/needs to happen, alternated with restless and dissatisfied procrastinating. Not particularly into the phrasing but I’m just going with it for now.

[babymegafauna]

(I actually had a super good day, overall! It’s amazing how a shitty moment can actually blow over very quickly when I’m able to express my feelings, and especially when the other person is at least trying to understand.)

[babymegafauna]

Cont. from other blog

....after I concluded my roll and lay silently some feet away for a time, I gave a big sigh and returned to engage in a lot of swearing, hand-waving, throwing chunks of hard sand across the beach in agitation while shouting that his political stances were BORING and TERRIBLE, telling him to shut up until I was done talking, and furiously drawing extremely rough diagrams in the sand; including one that involved a small circle - "here is what you know, this is your very limited experience and the very specific fragments of information you've encountered" - enclosed by a massive circle, "And here's everything else, all of the other context and perspectives and lived experience and history and complexity. And here you are making all these broad judgments based entirely on your tiny. TINY. Little. Circle. WHEN THERE'S ALL THE REST OF THIS." ....also at the end it somehow shifted into me ranting about human history and how long we lived in forager cultures and getting to him to enthusiastically agree with a basic summary of anarchism??? (Up until I told him the name of that particular philosophy, of course.)

[thescouring]

“I have never been quite like most people. I was aware of my difference from a very early age. It was as though I viewed the world in an entirely different way from the people around me.

Things that they took seriously seemed inconsequential to me. Things that I took seriously seemed inconsequential to them. I felt perpetually misunderstood. Adults were always telling me I was ‘gifted’ […] And yet, at the same time, it seemed as though I couldn’t do anything right. I was always tripping over my own feet. I had trouble staying seated in school — literally. My body would slide out of the chair, and I would find myself on the floor. I couldn’t stop daydreaming and looking out the window, no matter how hard I tried.”

Yes, right, all those things, sure

“'Little’ things were big deals to me: my apple juice had to be just the right temperature, or I couldn’t drink it.”

Keep reading

[babymegafauna]

Reblogging here so I can delete on main blog. Overshare!