ā basorexia / the desire to kiss prompts | @backwaterheroics :
āĀ 20 .Ā Ā aĀ kissĀ outĀ ofĀ desperation .
kunsel reminiscing abt a time w zack abt it
bc something cloud did reminded him of zack real hard
There's effort to be civil these days, a tolerance built through exposure and time; not unlike a frog set in a pot to be boiled. Their interactions remain astringent more often than not, cut short by the ever present feeling of interloping in each other's lives, but they stopped being actively hostile.
ā¦ Or he did, at least, swallowing down the pervasive feeling of wrongness that surrounded Cloud, having to deconstruct every facet of his discomfort for his own sanity, if anything else.
He felt wronged ā robbed of answers in his grief, every last trace of Zack was taken from him and given a form he cannot grasp, a wound torn open, a haunting in the flesh; Cloud appeared as the perfect scapegoat for all his inadequacies, an external target for the years of guilt he'd silently carried on his own; a stranger in an uniform five years out of regulation, a sword nearly as tall as Cloud, the notion of stolen valor tasted sour and it drove Kunsel to keep his distance ā because if anyone knew what being a SOLDIER meant, the history behind that blade, it would be him; it was the feeling of being left behind, always a step out formation, no matter what he did to try and follow, to make sense of the world crumbling around them he would always be left in the dark.
He was wrong ā Cloud never wished for any of this; he'd known him once, an infantry brat with the worst attitude he'd ever seen - to turn into what he is today he had to have gone through enhancement procedures (if not worse) so Kunsel had zero excuses for not extending him basic grace when he made a point of dealing with even the most unstable ex-SOLDIERs still around as no one else would (or could); it was his own selfish hope that made him cling to denial, a self-betrayal when faced against the odds that Zack would've been the one to survive ā the reports named it a SUCCESS; fear and anger never stopped him from reaching further, looking behind the curtain, and yet with Cloud that is what he did ā he settled only for what he could see, what immediate reactions and suspicions his mind could conjure (was it his mind?).
But as helpful as it was to break down his own feelings and rid himself of the burden that settled in his chest, it didn't change one thing they'd both have to live with ā there is something deeply wrong with Cloud, and it might always be.
It didn't mean that he should be a dick about it.
So he stopped being one.
It gave space for ambivalence to exist, as uncomfortable as it leaned towards being, no scathing words but no comfort to be offered in each other's presence. They didn't seek each other out, some words and actions unable to be taken back, but they didn't avoid each other entirely, either.
Oi, need to talk to you.
Got a favor to ask.
Call me back when you can.
[ Read - 2 Days Ago ]
It would be hard to, considering they both lived in Edge and Kunsel wasn't a stranger to calling in his delivery services, but that didn't mean it made either of them easy to find when they wanted to talk either, Kunsel having to head out of Edge with only the vague notion of "he should be getting back soon" from Tifa answering the phone.
He finds Cloud in the outskirts as expected, handling the wildlife with the tender hand it deserves, and Kunsel drives up only as close as necessary, getting out of his pick up truck and waiting there, leaning back against the front as he watches Cloud go at it. He could help, but it wouldn't be an appreciated gesture - Cloud's got it, and getting involved would just trip him up unnecessarily.
If Cloud wanted this to end sooner, he could've.
As it was, he's just having fun at this point.
ā¦ Kunsel could tell.
The hardest part of dropping his defenses and ignoring the uncanny sensation brought by Cloud's presence was having to consciously take note of each and every borrowed mannerism he saw and make the effort to see Cloud past it. He was doing neither of them to a favor by clinging to the past, and certain things he could see Cloud made his own and deserved to be accredited forā¦
But there's still these glimpses.
An afterimage of an afterimage.
Picking through them is like handling glass.
It's the straightening of his back as he faces a challenge.
A cocky attitude that has been earned through skill.
Attacks once learned in basic now mastered and made his own.
It's hard not to draw parallels, mind picking Cloud apart like it could peel away the layers that held him together: how much do you know, how much do you remember? But he doesn't ask - he doesn't want to. Not when it could mean tarnishing the memories he's buried in his heart, cast a shadow on who he knew Zack as ā the one thing he could ever name his own in a world that took everything from him.
Because that's all he can do now ā remember, reminisce.
The last message. The last voice call. The last time they saw each other.
"Heard you're going an assignment with Sephiroth, just got mine too, headed to Fort Condor to inspect the reactor." Routine check-ups weren't too alien of a concept, but having so many SOLDIER sent out at once to inspect them all raised questions Kunsel didn't have answers toā¦ yet. He'd mail his ideas to Zack later. "Guess we won't see each other for a while."
Zack sighs, shoulders dropping like the wind got taken out of his sails - though as much as Kunsel would like to pretend it's at the terrible loss of not seeing him on the dailyā¦ he can tell Zack just mixed up the hours and showed up too early.
Zack perked up immediately, as it was something he kept meaning to do but their schedules weren't playing nice. Insisted Kunsel would love her, that it was totally different under the plate.
( What did he sound like? What did he say? )
The rush downstairs, the idle chatter on all the things they'd have to pause for their respective assignments - Kunsel had to leave just before the finale to one of his shows, Zack promised Aerith that he'd bring her to the top plate one of these days. A train ride listening to music on Kunsel's PHS, an earphone each, leaning into each other. Zack leading the way to the church, excited to show it off, to see if she'd be there to introduce Kunsel to.
And she was. While he wasn't as quick to throw out the world love, Kunsel did enjoy spending time with her and helping Zack put together the flower wagon, seeing the slightly odd but overall coy charm that had won Zack over on their first meeting. It was nice down there, simpleā¦ quiet. He could understand why Zack hid away in here so often, away from the pressure he had to face in HQ.
But time was passing, and Kunsel had to nudge Zack to get him to hurry up his goodbyes to Aerith least they miss their train ā Kunsel almost felt bad for having to cut it short, but with the promise made that Zack would come back and see her once he got back they made their way back.
And then that was it. Headed back to HQ.
No saying when they'd see each other next.
Kunsel's assignment wasn't too bad, Fort Condor nearby enough that he should be done in a week max ā but Zack was headed off to Nibelheim, which not only was on another continent, it was one of the oldest reactor models still in use - it was hard not to think about what could go wrong.
Alone together in an elevator, Kunsel twirls his helmet on his hand, spinning it around idly as he stews in his thoughts - and Zack laughs, tells him he's gonna do fine.
"Me? I know I can handle it, it's you I'm worried about." Kunsel counters, stalling the movement so that he could hold the helmet under his arm and face Zack proper. Twenty four floors to go. Zack shakes his head, laughs and tries to get him to relax, reminds him it's just a routine inspection, and he's going with Sephiroth, they're all going to be fine.
But Kunsel huffs, and brings his free hand up to Zack's cheek, guides him to look at him and his petulant frown, pulls him closer. "I know, just - c'mere." Less of a request and more of a demand, but Kunsel gets what he asks for, and he takes the chance to bridge the space between them. Eleven floors. It's rushed, a kiss shared with the knowledge the elevator could stop at any floor, barely anything worth remembering, a fleeting show of affection, but it gets the sentiment across.
Two floors. Kunsel leans back and puts his helmet on, turning to face the elevator doors. "I want you back in one piece, that's all I'm saying. Just be careful out there for me, yeah?" It's their floor, and they're headed in different directions - so they linger just a bit longer in front of it, Zack smiling at him with a palpable fondness, squeezing every last second that they had together just how they've always done.
"Yeah, yeah, I got you.
Don't worry so much, I'll be back in Midgar before you know it!
Just wait for me."
Does Cloud remember Zack as Kunsel does?
What he was like on the day to day? What he could have been?
Does he miss him as Kunsel does?
His thoughts are dispersed by a sudden silence, and although there's a lingering, complicated expression on his face, he is semi-impressed with Cloud's work as he looks up, uncrossing his arms as he stops leaning on his truck.
Not half bad - you'd hope so, considering he supposedly saved the world. Not good enough, however, to forgive the personal slight against him of not texting back or calling in 48 hours. That feels like a reasonable expectation, no?
With huff of mild amusement, Kunsel brings a hand up to his mouth and whistles loud and clear to get Cloud's attention, readying himself for a bit of attitude - no, it couldn't wait, he wouldn't be here if it could, now would he?
Ā
āļø tracking update on your delivery ā ā @meteor-shots
Cloud nearly growls, frustration eclipsing decorum and whatever self-conscientiousness he may have lingering still in the fringes of him & Zack. It's surreal that they're friends, it's wild that they're hanging out. It's just -ā ! He's not gonna think about it!!
He grips the polish rag tighter, leans in closer to the short sword across his lap. Like if he gets closer with the physicality of his feelings the scuff will learn its lesson andā! buffā out -ā alreadyā!
"Aahggh..," Cloud scowls, a fierce glower, and just about throws himself to lay back on the floor in defeat. "M'gunna give up on this, it's just not comin' out."
āļø tracking update on your delivery ā ā @rosahope
He fiddles with a compact, the mirror dusty with bits of powder. Clip clap, clip clap. He should probably put it down before Chibs snarks at him... or before he breaks it.
He tilts his head over the side of her vanity chair, lazy and feeling more than a little boneless. He's glad they don't do reservations. Or, like, planning of any kind. They would really be late, and he'd feel like they were wasting time.
Instead, he's perfectly content sitting here just spending time in the princess' space while she tries to make up her mind on an outfit.
"Hey," he says, tone mild as if this isn't totally out of the blue, or a dodge to her various inquiries of this or that. He's glad he has a minimal closet--black goes well with anything. "D'y'think I should do somethin-- with my hair?"
questions we would ask sephiroth if we were trapped in an enclosed space (with no way out except to work together???) once we went through all 5 stages of grief & at least one hr of mutual upset silence
can you do the samurai katana food cutting trick or is that just anime and fruit ninja
howās your cartilage? coz our knees are getting kinda. yknow. painful
have yāever smoked weed, do u think that would help
what are your feelings on being the major contributing factor toward upholding a totalitarian corporatocracy
is it just like. that u want a ma? weād share ours except. šļøšļø
do you know that we pity you? do you know what that means?
whatās up with the throwing buildings thing, we both know itās not going to do anything but be annoying
do you ever get tired of hovering menacingly
or waiting in corners or at the end of roads
you know this whole thing (me&you) isnāt going to go how you want it, so why do you keep trying?
take this to elmyra and say it's from me. ā kunsel
party favors ā ā @sentmail
Cold dread overtakes him, sinking into the soles of his feet and climbing up to settle hollow in his chest.
Not because the request comes from Kunsel, a man whose very presence forces him to face the mirror shards of himself and never see his own face looking back, always other people. Stolen facets, shoddy mockeriesāa disregard to which Cloud didnāt even know he was giving. But thatās no excuse, thatās never an excuse.
Itās not because the request is to hand off something to Elmyra, a woman who shares his grief and can no longer muster the energy for anger or hate. Someone who, because of Cloud, had her child stolen from her. She has every right to condemn him, to demand retribution, to curse and scream and scorn him, find him worthless and despicable. Instead she lets him share her space, quietly and never for too long, butāā they found an accord, with one another. Cloud thinks itās because sheās a mother.
No, itās not because itās Kunsel or because itās for Elmyra.
Kunsel almost begrudgingly has passed over some random roughshod crystal bauble. Itās not valuable, itās certainly no treasure, nothing to be turned into cash for hard times. If he turns it this way and that, maybe squints his eyes a bit, it looks somewhat like a bear...maybe a Bagnadrana.. or a Dorky Face.
Whatever it is, Kunsel is tight-lipped, obviously uncomfortable. Cloud doesnāt want to know how he knows Cloud goes to Elmyraās on a somewhat regular monthly basis. (to pick up flowers, to take to the lakeshore in the ancient forest. to offer apologies, ask for forgiveness and penance he doesnāt deserve.)
But itās Kunsel to Elmyra and the only common ground there is Aerith. Heās not stupid, he can make connections.
This is something he doesnāt know. A part of Aerithās life he canāt ask about. Canāt talk to her about. Canāt share with her. Heāll never know and he doesnāt have a right to know.
It weighs on him, this yearning. He craves any part of Aerith still left in the world. His memories are faulty, His heart even moreso. What tangible evidence is there of Aerithās regard for Cloud? for Cloudās regard for Aerith?
Thereās just a grave.
But here Kunsel is with something, because he was precious to her and her to him, and thereās proof. Here in his hands. a little unremarkable trinket, obviously beloved and being passed on to a mother who would cherish it even more than a friend.
A friendā¦. orā¦..
Kunsel is right about him.
He doesnāt know anything.
āYeah, alright,ā Cloud agrees and canāt meet Kunselās face. He stows away the piece in a secure compartment in his pack where he keeps his spare materia, then turns away to fix a crate of packages onto his motorcycle, feeling his eyes burn and his shoulders curl. āIāll give her your phone number too, in case she wants to reach out. She got a line recently, soā-ā
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