Wait wait wait. Before I really get into this, I think I need to let you know I’ll be writing EXACT PHRASING FROM THE BOOK in all caps just like that, because lemme tell ya, there are some gems
Alright, so there’s this bitch Nick Falsen. So Nicky-boy here hates cats. Haaaaates them. They killed his mother or something. Or they could have. But for real tho, cats got him fired from his job as a space guy. Even tho he saved his captain from drifting out into space and gave him his air tank and probably got brain damage from it and everything. But nooooo, they kicked him out of space club and everybody hated him so bad that good ol’ capn’ saved-ass was able to talk them down from any number of horrible deaths and simply marooned him on a planet called Antares VI, which I do not give a shit about except that it’s not even colonized, so you know Nicky-boo is in for a tough time. He’s pretty much going to die anyway so fuck it, amirite?
So guy is narrating in his head about all this bee ess and makes sure to mention the Mannschenn Drive (hey, that was on the back cover of the book!), which I suspect might be important somehow… but anyway, blah blah blah a bunch of never-again-mentioned spaceship stuff and then they’re pulling up to the place where Nickles will be stuffed into a sack and thrown out the window, and the whole time he’s all moody and broody and “oh I could break out of here if I really wanted to it’d be so easy” but of course he doesn’t do that because he’ll obviously get immediately shot by two chiefs sporting PROJECTILE PISTOLS, OLD-FASHIONED WEAPONS, OUTMODED BLUNDERBUSSES FIRING METAL SLUGS and Ni-ni “knows what kind of metal” they’re made out of (silver, it’s silver, of course it’s silver, the goddamn cover talks about space werewolves) and he’d rather die of starvation and dehydration on an uninhabited planet than suicide by cop
Anyway he takes up what precious little time I have in this world to name and rank every single insignificant person he passes on his way to the boat and the ship’s cat Minnie (see I told you, he even tells us the name of a cat we’ll never see again!) she spits on him as he’s leaving because cat racism against werewolf men is a space-world problem I guess
So duder talks about how he’s a priiiiisoner on this boat and they’re even pointing pistols at him— ok wait, hold on, no, look, a pistol and a blunderbuss are hell and far gone from being remotely close to the same thing except they fire projectiles, but hey, I’m gonna keep imagining that these future space-men are making this dude walk the space-plank while wielding 17th century firearms that take half a minute to reload after a single shot
Anyway, nobody wants to talk to dead meat because why would you, and he’s all like “weeeh you could’ve given me some provisions or something weeeh” and they threaten to shoot his ass for getting lippy, and oh, did I forget to mention he was in shackles? I didn’t, but he did! Bitch waits until the last second to mention he’s been clapped in irons, come on man, that’s important stuff
So the Baha Men start playing and they kick Nickerino into a huge puddle of mud, jeer at him, and fly away, spotlighting him to blindness as a final fuck-you. Dude is ankle deep in mud wearing motherfucking shorts and sneakers and swearing up a storm until he realizes that’s not gonna get him unbanished and just kinda says fuck it I guess
So this pathetic wet cat (werewolf) of a man (alleged werewolf, actually) brushes his pale blond hair out of his currently useless eyes and tries to survey the area, which is pointless, because his night vision’s currently shot to shit
Bitchy Nicky McGee’s eyes eventually adjust to the gloom and the horizon is pretty much a straight black line. Because it’s nighttime. It’s cold and rainy and muddy and dark and this idiot is still in shorts because they’re comfy and easy to wear, and he’s like, “that motherfucker just would strand me on a muddy little island in the middle of a garbage planet, he totally would” but then he gets over it and TRIED TO REMEMBER ALL THAT HE HAD EVER READ like Mary-fucking-Bennet over here to see if there’s anything he knows about like, navigation and this particular planet and shit, but maybe not because who pays attention to that it’s not like it’s important or anything, and kind of remembers that the middle of the planet is all swamp or some shit like that
Nickles the Echidna sight/smell/hear/taste/touches the air around him and there’s like… smoke? There’s smoke. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and where there’s fire, well. Time to go. So he trudges through the swamp getting mud in his shoes while the rain makes his clothing stick to him but not in a sexy wet t-shirt contest kinda way, in a pathetic wet cat (werewolf) kinda way, and he thinks to himself, “oh! I should inventory my pockets” as if he didn’t know what was in his pockets? I’m surprised the space executioners didn’t do a pat-down since they were so very intent on not letting him have anything useful when they threw Nicks in the garbage
He finds out that he’s got A LARGE POCKETKNIFE OF THE TYPE FAVORED BY THE SPACEMEN OF HIS ERA (come on man why did you say it like that it’s so fuckin’ awkward) and it’s basically a Swiss army knife. There’s also a lighter and a wet pack of cigarettes. Useful! He marches forward, ready willing, and able to cut and/or punch out a bitch if necessary
So now there’s a hill with trees and shit and VEGETABLE GROWTH OF SOME KIND— very descriptive— and he smelled smells. They were promising smells, but not food smells. He could never forget that smell. It was a smelly smell that smelled… smelly. (woman, he smelled a woman) (because werewolf nose) and HE HAD FALLEN LOW—BUT NOT THAT LOW. YET. oh my god dude what does that even mean you are killing me here
So now it’s time to be sneaky. Gonna sneak sneak sneak around that hill and sneak sneak sneak up on the sleeping lady and realize that, geez, he’s sure been lonely lately hasn’t hhh—oh my god no what are you doing don’t do that you jackass
So Pervy McNickerson here tries to be cautious because the sleeping lady could potentially be “armed” and he doesn’t want to “startle her” because he’s such a good guy like that (and it’s not weird or anything that the smell of a woman would make him remember that he had a dick or anything like that) ANYWAY so there’s this cave right (oh god the innuendo is so bad it hurts)
For real tho, she’s camping out in kind of a fissure inside of a hill. And of course. He enters the cave. Without permission. So he sees her things and decides to go through her clothes—
I fucking hate this I hate it I hate it I—
And they’re similar to his from when he was a space guy, except these are for a— I shit you not— a catering officer because they get uniforms too, but this one has an animal stitched into it because guess what ya girl worked for the Dog Star Line ain’t that just a kick in the teeth, wolfboy
But now wolfboy is cooold so he tiptoes to the fire but aaaw shiiit it’s twig time baybee!
Step on a twig, girl’ll flip her lid
Then suddenly: NAKED WOMAN leaps out of her little huddle of blankets and she goes straight for the motherfuckin’ eyes as is her right, but ol’ long arms does that thing with his long arms where he holds her far enough away that she can swing and swing and swing and never hit him, because this is now a cartoon apparently
I do not want to tell you that Nick Dickleson intruded upon a sleeping naked woman and grappled with her, but those are the literal words. I will not write the literal words. They are not what you are thinking, but are written in a way that might sound like what you are thinking, and I don’t like it. All you need to know is that he flinched from the withering look she gave him but then he’s all like “bark bark, dog don’t eat dog, bark bark bark” and she calmed down? Because guess what motherfuckers—
No wait, I can’t tell you that yet
Yes, I’ve already read this book before, and I can’t tell you that yet it’ll spoil the surprise
(oh jesus I just read ahead)
He gives her the ol’ up and down and “her flesh gleamed with a shimmering insubstantiality” whatever the fuck that means, but, cough, SHE COULD ALMOST HAVE PASSED FOR HIS SISTER oh please oh please it has been a while since I read this but please don’t let them fuck that’s eugh!
I… I don’t want to describe how he sees her but I must. Here’s a list:
dark hair that is everywhere
no really he goes on about a happy trail that goes all the way to her belly button
BELOW THE LEFT ONE WAS A THIRD, RUDIMENTARY NIPPLE
So anyway besides all that stuff she’s beautiful (what a dick) and she’s got a savage animal vitality that aroused him you keep that dick right where it is mister
She’s all like “who are you wolfboy, where you from” and he tells her his stupid name and tells her about his stupid job and the stupid ship where he did his stupid job and then told her all about how his stupid shipmates kicked him out and—
“Why didn’t they just kill you?”
Damn girl, go straight for the throat
As it turns out, our girl here has been marooned for sixteen weeks already, and before she became a maroonee she was DOG STAR LINE. PURSER. CATERING OFFICER AND MAID-OF-ALL-WORK ABOARD THE GOOD SHIP BEAGLE, as if that isn’t a little too on the nose, and she’s now all like “how come I didn’t hear your ship come in, that shit is loud as hell” and he’s like “oh it was, y’know, way over there, you probably never heard it before” like some kinda goddamn snob, sure ok man. She then proceeds to be severely catty about his fit ‘cause dude is trying to rock the “SOAKING WET WITH MUD UP TO YOUR ARSE” look and it ain’t working, but yeah, why didn’t you just take off your clothes to keep them out of the mud Pnicky? Why didn’t you do that? Huh?
Well she’s tired of looking at you all wet and pathetic like that, and she’s a catering officer so clearly she has to feed you, but you can’t come to the table like that all SOAKING WET WITH MUD UP TO YOUR ARSE like that, so just take ‘em off and I’ll getchu a tin of beef stew and—
Look, I don’t like where this is going, you don’t like where this is going, but go there we must. Commit to the bit
N.Falsies gets nekkid and warms up under the blankets like she tells him to, and when she comes back with some food I cannot for the life of me stop hearing Love Delicatessen playing in the back of my head. Needless to say, the food does not get eaten, my greatest fears are realized, and they do teh angery smex, but, y’know, all quick ’n’ dirty. THERE HAD BEEN NO FOREPLAY; THERE WAS NO AFTERPLAY, and they fell asleep like the tangled pile of pantyhose you ran through the washer without a delicates bag
Intro | Chapter 1 | 2 | 3
