Dear BamBam,

This is me (not) reaching out to you.

[bamueljay-blog]

Gold star (for me)!

I believe I've erased all the media-files containing you. And before that, my heart no longer soared nor plummeted at the sound of your voice. I'm still holding on to the hope that some day you'll be able to talk to me like a real person, but it hasn't engulfed me so that I burn and ache the way it once did. (Un)fortunately, I think a part of me will continue to care about you for a long time in some form or another; but that blazing fire seems to be dying down at last into flickers and embers. Hope you're well.

[missingfireworks]

So it didn’t last – that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good.

maybe the best things don’t need to be forever (via missingfireworks)

[bamueljay-blog]

I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable

Hitch

[bamueljay-blog]

The chasmic void, the incompleteness, the physical pain of it all.....it's gotten so much worse now that I've lost Andrew as well. Having him taken away makes me miss you more, but also causes this irrational anger to flare up that twists and turns every which way lashing at me, you, Andrew, and God knows who else as my mind leaps from tangent to tangent. I hate that I failed you two so miserably; sometimes I think I could have done better, but others I'm not so sure. And I don't know which is the lesser of the two evils. I truly wish I could reach out directly to you without violating your boundaries, just knowing you were there was such a comfort and now I feel...lost? Unsatisfactory at any rate.

[bamueljay-blog]

Great song, better show. I think you’d get a kick out of it.

[blossomfully]

“It never stops hurting, does it?” “What?” “Giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else.”

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #83  (via bl-ossomed)

[peinted]

absence and lack of communication makes the heart idealize a person and subconsciously twist one’s perception of them into something greater than they really are

[thetigerspider]

[bamueljay-blog]

Sometimes it physically hurts, like a kick to the stomach, and there's nothing to do but cry like a bitch.

[bamueljay-blog]

.......

.......

.......

but I love you.

Isn’t that the stupidest fucking thing?

[observando]

There’s so much I could tell you if I felt like it. Which I do less and less.

Margaret Atwood (via observando)

[bamueljay-blog]

Why couldn’t/can’t/won’t you love me back? As much I sometimes wish it was you who OD’d and not Andrew, I still wish it was you I could turn to for comfort and support. w/e, I’m a fucking mess, I guess.

I'm sorry I failed you both.

[bamueljay-blog]

So I guess now I go down a Sam/Son rabbit-hole once a month or so, but I think the holes are becoming shallower with each visit. Or I'm becoming desensitized. Does it even matter at this point? The pangs of sadness and loneliness are now more of a dull ache--although encountering content related to you yields a physical, almost visceral, reaction. Obviously, I'm not as desensitized as I would like. A part of me wants to let go, really let go, but another part can't. That part still clings to the promise of a forever that may or not come to be, and if I let go and walk away I don't think I can go back. At the end of the day, is that what you really want? Is there any real intent on your part of coming back to me in any capacity?

[larmoyante]

And I learned ‘You deserve better’ was sometimes no more than a synonym for ‘I don’t want to hurt you, and I want you to be happy, but I don’t love you anymore.

Beau Taplin, You Deserve Better (via larmoyante)

[nakedly]

I want you to drunk text me. I want you to think about me. Please fucking think about me sometimes because the only thing I do is think about you

(via bl-ossomed)

[bamueljay-blog]

I had some twisty dream where you'd answered this list of questions, but also people that were kind of mutual acquaintances weighed in too? It was bizarre. One of your "responses" was that your love had turned to dust...but then later there was this whole everything comes from dust and goes back to dust eulogic statement. I don't know it was odd and felt incredibly real, and to top it off ended up being a dream within a dream. Blegh, everything is just such a fucking mess I guess.

[bamueljay-blog]

For all your faults you were a pretty incredible fuck.

Eh, oh well.

[bamueljay-blog]

.....and you don't love me anymore, right?