𝄞 @barneygravewood - Tumblr Blog

I’ll keep my identity anonymous, it’s very apparent who I am from my username and posts. hello, if you’ve stepped upon this blog I ask you to tread lightly. there are uncomfortable themes present, such as descriptions of death, suicide, sh, and I’m sure other things that I’m just not thinking of right now.

this is a vent blog used purely for archiving my illness, so I tend to post only when I am unwell and not thinking straight. I do not provide content warnings in any of my posts and I do not censor myself whatsoever, everything I say is confidential to myself and is not meant to be spread around.

If you are a friend or a loved one you are free to look at this blog, I don’t have the ability to keep it private nor do I care enough to do so. I however ask that everything on this blog remains here and does not get spread around or screenshotted. This is currently my only safe place and I’d like to keep it that way 🖤

I’m pleased with where I am at in my recovery because I’ve been doing better at standing up for myself and being more open about my boundaries. I’ve been feeding myself and taking care of myself for myself and I am wholeheartedly proud of myself for it! I think I am actively getting better and I am very happy about it. I feel like nobody talks about the positive days in recovery it’s either their better or worse I wanna hear about those bittersweet days where both things happen lol. Today is one of my many good days and I’m praying nothing weird happens but if it does I’ll blame it on PMS and move on with my life because I got bigger things to worry about right now. I’m still sad and depressed and stuff is still happening but it’s lesser so and it doesn’t press directly up against my heart and make me want to die (right now) so I’m pretty alright.

I can finally get my feelings out now that this app is working, this is majority from last night that I feel the need to chart down. I do not like how easy it is for people to go against my boundaries and how people attempt to push it as crazily as they do, I’m not comfortable with people talking about let alone joking about my hospitalization and I do see where it gets confusing because sometimes I joke about it but it’s entirely different because it’s my situation and my trauma and something I myself went through. I’m the only one who can properly understand everything about it because it was something I went through….. I’m thankful I’m far enough in my recovery that I can simply get off the phone when irritating stuff is mentioned to me, my jealousy is still kind of out of hand I’ve noticed. It infuriates me and I’ve learned to turn my phone off entirely or go find a task that suits me and gets me away from my devices for at least 30 minutes. I recommend it if you have any sort of anger issues. even if me and her aren’t together I don’t want people joking about taking her from me or genuinely flirting I’ll seriously block someone over that with how uncomfortable it makes me. I’m glad I was able to call with my friends though it was fun to be there even if I did tap out early for my own sanity.

sometimes I think about how I’ve always been the one sending nice stuff to other people and now I’m finally getting people to send stuff to me. It’s bittersweet knowing all it took was me doing it for years for people to genuinely start noticing and analyzing me and my interests. It’s disheartening to know that in my relationships I didn’t really get anyone sending me soft and nice stuff about me, I was always this evil hound and I guess I internalized it. That’s still one of my aesthetics and sometimes I truly do want to be seen like that but it’s kind of sad that nobody sees me as a soft little puppy in a dress, but why would they? I’m a woman with emotions and that’s too much for the common person. That’s always been too much for the general population to deal with, a young woman with bpd. I will always be that and there will never be a cure and I am always flawed because of it. I’m losing hope that I’m ever going to be enough for a relationship, I need to give up my dream of being taken care of because even if I do get into a relationship I know I can’t do much and it’ll be me being cared for. I wish I could let myself take it when it’s handed to me but I put myself out for other people and I let everyone walk over me. I don’t want that. I do want to be someone’s pretty princess, I do want to be someone’s little puppy, I do want to be cared for and loved and I’m sick of pretending I don’t. I would do so much to be seen that way. I would do so much to be perceived in the way my core deserves to be. I’ve had it so tough my entire life I deserve to be taken care of. I deserve to take up space.

I’m kind of sad tonight, it feels like everytime I have a good and positive day it always has a bad night. I’ve unfortunately kept myself up because I’ve been nervous and I had to finish my project which I got half way thru and decided it was good enough and that I could do the decorating tomorrow… I hate it for myself though because tomorrow I’m going to be stressed out and tired over a couple things going on in my personal life. I’m irritated the call went as weirdly as it did, it feels like no matter what I do or how I present it always ends up odd… if I’m sad it’s bad, if I’m happy it’s bad… I just simply don’t know what to do, I dont know. It feels like even our friendship is fractured and I guess I don’t really have the ability to wave my wand and fix everything in an instant despite wishing with all my soul that was the case. I’m really sad that things are just as weird as they were when we were together. It feels like the breakup was entirely pointless now. I don’t know I’m having a lot of negative and conflicting thoughts, I’m going to bed. I hope tomorrow is better. I don’t know how many more weird days I can take in all honesty. I don’t want anything to be forced and I want it to take a natural course obviously but it’s just saddening to see her and know that we’ve become so fractured we don’t talk normally we don’t update eachother about our days and we don’t do anything together anymore. It’s just plain out sad watching everything die in an instant over such pointless issues. I don’t know. Praying for a sign that all of this has a meaning and that there’s a reason we’re going through this. It’s agonizing.

noticing my compulsions are actively worsening, everytime I eat I have to wipe my mouth and wash my hands which isn’t necessarily a bad compulsion but like I have to do it or else I’m not able to do anything else. That’s the only reason I know it’s apart of my compulsions, again it’s not harmful whatsoever lol but I don’t like how much of my behavior has been replaced with repetitive compulsions. I think it’s entirely a stress thing and lack of medication thing because it started acting up really bad after I got out of my parents house. I think living in filth 24/7 for 18 years genuinely made it impossible for me to not have things organized or in order. The online organization was the only thing I could do to pass a majority of my time when I wasn’t on call for the entirety of my internet life… for a while as a younger tween I didn’t worry much about it but from 14 onwards it started bothering me. It always bothers me when i don’t have things absolutely perfect but it targets random stuff so I don’t like to self diagnose myself with anytjing. I have heavy compulsions that either work perfectly fine in my day to day or they become physically and mentally debilitating

I have some sort of dedicated section on nearly all my social media dedicated to her, I really do love her and it hits really hard every couple hours. I add to her board and her playlist and the folder I have for her on tt and it just makes me so unbelievably sad, I’m not deleting them because they’re all being actively used but I do have a extremely hard time listening to songs I associate with her, including ones that used to be important to me. It sucks so unbelievably bad when you have a rough breakup and stay friends afterwards because you get to look her in the eye and know that you messed up and that she isn’t ever coming back to you. I’ve messed up all three of my long relationships and I don’t think people realize how much it hurts knowing all three of those people were so close to me and one of them is a stranger, the other I’m close to as a friend, and the third one is someone I will literally never get over. Realistically people my age just get on a dating app and start talking to people or they go out and get drunk or go to fuck someone but I’ve never been like that I’ve always seen love as this sacred ritual. It was supposed to be her and I don’t know how to get over it, we did so many things together for the first time. I was her first and I was supposed to be her last. I am devastated

Not being able to say “I love you” has genuinely killed something in me I swear to god. It being replaced with something lesser implying that I too am seen lesser makes me so unbelievably sad, I wonder every day if she truly does think about me as often as I think about her. In a sick way I guess I hope so, I hope I wasn’t that forgettable because I honestly worry that I was. I miss her, I still love her and it hurts. It hurts more than absolutely anything else right now and I don’t know how to go about it. I want to joke with her and be normal around her again but I can’t and I don’t know how to kill my obsession so that I’ll be normal. I’m either crazy and obsessed over a person or they’re just a good friend to me

I genuinely don’t want to be alive anymore this is so disgustingly painful for me I hate looking at her and knowing she’s finally free from me

guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 guess who’s tweaking out again 😂😂😂 ITS ME!!!

I would do anything to have you here with me and to have you love me in every way you used to. I hope you get a crush on me and fall in love with me all over again I pray with all my heart you’ll be head over heels forever this time and you won’t break my heart again

I am the saddest I ever have been. I have lost so much this year and in this life and I wish time would go by faster so that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. I yearn to be held and taken care of just once more because I’ve rawdogged the last few months and I am wholeheartedly tired. I just want everything to be okay again

the next time I waste my time on a relationship that ends with me bawling on the floor begging for someone I think I’m going to take a gun and I’m going to blow my shit clean off because my heart cannot take this I am too weak

genuinely really upset that I’m alone again. I’m upset that I am always the one left and nobody genuinely stays. I get it I’m not really easy to talk to and I’m generally boring if I’m not freaking out or something. And that’s another thing, nobody likes a chick who can’t handle her emotions. Nobody wants to be with me and it makes me sad. It really does make me sad.

if I’m pessimistic im wrong, if I’m overly optimistic I’m wrong. If I’m nothing and numbed to the point of tears im wrong. I don’t understand people’s obsession with making me be in the wrong all the time, it’s so unbelievably hurtful. I have a giant gash inside my heart from the amount of breakups I’ve had and all of the failed relationships I’ve had in general and I feel like nobody genuinely understands how hard it is to live a day in my shoes. I’ve started saying that because I fully believe that would kill someone if they had to live a few hours in my life. I’m not even talking about where I am now, I’m in a loving house with great people and I am fed and have a place to sleep… I’m talking about the last 7 years of my life, that shit with absolutely no therapy is diabolical. I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist or any sort of outside help and it is wholeheartedly not an option right now because of me being unemployed and broke I have CENTS in my bank right now. I have a giant bill that needs to be paid and I have no way to pay for it! It irritates me so ungodly bad that everyone is so mean to me during genuinely the worst year of my life I could go on about it for HOURS.

I have gotten such little comfort and care since even before the hospital visit and especially none there, I’ve had to deal with almost everything alone because of everything going on and I will never forgive the people around me for doing that to me because I am a genuinely good person wether anyone believes it or not. I know in my core I am a kind and understanding person, I know in my core I am a nice person and I am a good person. I know in my core I am just ill, I don’t hate myself as much as people like to make me out to sound. People are so disgustingly cruel to me sometimes and I just don’t understand it I don’t see what I’ve done wrong to deserve absolutely any of this…

being honest I wish I could be in a femme4femme relationship where we take care of eachother. I want to be cared for like a little girl and guided by an older woman, I want to be treated like I’m really and truly special even if I get in trouble often. I want to be someone’s girlfriend. I want it so bad. I’ve realized over the last week that I’m not as butch as I used to be and I do enjoy my femininity even if I use he/him pronouns and terms often, I’ve never been the girl in any of my relationships I’ve never been the delicate one and if I have it’s been so unbelievably difficult because I always get turned into a masculine person even if the person doesn’t even mean to do it. I hate my genderfluidity I wish I could just be both simultaneously because what if this is a phase even though I know it isn’t. I am in such desperate need to be held

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