bartonville

The unscheduled and varying work of Rory Barton...

[chicagoscreenshots]

The Blues Brothers, 1980

[bartonville]

I quoted this out loud, not because it's a great scene but more because it might be a secret credo now necessary for public consumption.

[davidmalki]

This is the part I honestly, truly don’t get. How can Trump possibly qualify for intelligence security clearance? To say nothing of the absolute highest level of it?

Full description of security clearance qualifications here: http://www.state.gov/m/ds/clearances/60321.htm

EDITED TO ADD: By rule, the president does not need a security clearance and is not subject to these guidelines. The voters decided he could have clearance:

Good work America

[bartonville]

Palmslap'merica.

[shittyrigs]

“Please do try this at home.”

Submitted by David McSherry 

[bartonville]

@jonmonteverde note well.

[idkaboutthesehotdogs]

*** GIVE AWAY BELOW ***

Hi Hotdog Friends! My friend Christina Scott (@withoutnest) made these great illustrations for me and then I turned them into stickers! And to celebrate hitting 300 hotdogs, I’m giving away 1 set to 10 different people!

Rules-

Must be following idkaboutthesehotdogs on Tumblr. Must reblog this post before *** JUNE 30 *** Multiple reblogs will be counted once. Likes will not count.

10 winners! Wow! Winners will be announced on July 1.

If you don’t want to wait, they’re also up for sale (as a set of 6) on my Etsy shop for $2.50 (including shipping).

Msg me w any questions and happy hotdogging!

[bartonville]

Stickers and encased meat? What’s not to like!

[mcconville]

Top 50 Antiquated Medical Procedures

50. Fresh Air Bath

49. Bacon Immersion

48. Jurgenson’s Ablation

47. Cigarette Weekend

46. “I’m Not Touching You” Massage

45. Oily Rope

44. Austrian Armpulling

43. Moon Exposure

42. Earthworm Tub

41. Cocaine

40. Fiarantino’s Gamble

39. Uterine Extension

38. Exploratory Spinal Replacement 

37. Oystering

36. Inverted Tickle 

35. Cranial Irrigation

34. Sepp Bladder

33. Infection-fighting Infections

32. Leech Relay

31. Light Flouring

30. Four Loko

29. Plastic Surgery

28. Ether Regulation

27. Hot Cauldron Soak

26. Hemoglobin Hemogoblins

25. Body Transplant

24. Tar

23. Grandma Rae Exposure

22. Long Drive With The Windows Open

21. Mechanical Bull

20. Biweekly Ice Injections

19. Beer Goggles

18. 2-for-1 Laproscopic Thursdays

17. RNA Embarrassment

16. Total Body Lancing

15. Weekend at Bernie’s

14. Frankenweenie

13. Hard Reboot

12. Hyundai Sonata

11. Retail Therapy

10. Fredrickson’s Flop

9. Burlap Slap

8. Experimental Jazz/Surgery

7. Labiodental Extraction

6. Ocular Cavity Search

5. Partial Lyophilization

4. Vascular Tickle 

3. Island Banishment

2. Horsekicks

1. Chicken Soup

[bartonville]

(via https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/born-rotary-ep-1009?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=tumblr)

[idkaboutthesehotdogs]

Wow, Hi guys! Tonight we hit 200 hotdogs! Wow! What a time to be alive!

I’m gonna do a little give away because that’s what people do when they hit big benchmarks right?

Reblog this by July 4th (duh bc of the hotdog eating contest in Coney Island) to be entered in a chance to win some weird hotdog art!

Prizes- 1 16x20 anniversary poster 1 8x10 print (your choice!) 2 sets of these new idkaboutthesehotdogs.com stickers

Rules- Reblog this, likes don’t count sorry Must be following idkaboutthesehotdogs on tumblr Gotta have your asks open and be okay giving me your shipping info! Don’t remove this caption info plz No giveaway blogs

Other stuff- International is fine! Giveaway ends July 4th 9am I’ll message the winner on July 4th. Winner will have 24 hrs to respond & then I’m moving on!

Other questions? Just shoot me a message.

Can’t wait to see if you win? Want to buy your own set of stickers? You could buy this stuff too right here!

*** CURRENTLY OPEN ***

[bartonville]

https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/born-rotary-ep-1005

[bartonville]

https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/br-tease-3

[bartonville]

(via https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/born-rotary-ep-1004?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=tumblr)

[bartonville]

https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/br-tease-2

[bartonville]

https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/born-rotary-ep-1001

[bartonville]

https://soundcloud.com/born-rotary/born-rotary-tease

[goingnegative]

REVIEW: MORNING WOOD

Have you ever been awoken by a playful dog, cat, or child jumping on your stomach? It’s fucking disconcerting, right? Imagine that happening to your penis every single morning of your entire life, and now you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Morning Wood is all about: fucking up the start of your day.

Oh sure, there’s the one in a million chance that you’ll have an actual lover next to you who’s interested in this all-of-a-sudden fully formed hard-on. Or maybe, if it’s Sunday, you’ve got enough time to masturbate before church. But more than likely, you’re going to have to exit your bed, raging boner pointing your way to the bathroom like a divining rod, where you’ll try and take a piss and end up getting it all over god-knows-where because sometimes your piss goes totally off the fucking deep end when you try and piss with a hard on. All bets are completely off and you’re equally likely to start your day with piss on your own face as you are to actually hit the bowl and avoid splash back.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like to be in control of my OWN erections, the way Pfizer intended.

0/5 stars

[goingnegative]

I legitimately have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you. But it is something deep and unfixable.

Here you are, in front of a great work of art, in most cases something you have seen on television, buzzfeed, your phone, school books (remember books?), and in Ferris Bueller’s day off. So, I...

[bartonville]

Best line included below: “So why, then, are you TAKING VIDEO OF THE MONA LISA WITH YOUR FUCKING IPAD YOU PHILISTINE FUCK?!” Last I was at the Mona Lisa, I think I took a picture of the iPads looking back at me...

[bartonville]

Updates to this interface.

Tumblr just offered me "some real crafty shit" in the future.

I'm ok with that.

[bartonville]

Monuments

I'd been thinking a bit about place and time and all the things that mark one's existence in the universe. Then I heard that a friend died. He wasn't a close friend. But he was definitely close to a lot of other friends. Beyond that he was a good human, probably better than most, maybe even better than me. 

I think his passing is very sad, especially for a community of connected individuals. 

With my connection to this community, a lot of what my professional colleagues would call "content" began streaming across the social media. Beyond being able to remember happy times and share a common pain, I can't help but think how brief that is. How brief any of this is.

I wrote some about my disdain for "#RIP." That's annoying. This is different. Before the news was confirmed of my friends, passing—another annoyance of the Age of Brevity is not being able discern specifics from the noise coming over a feed of sadness—before the news I was thinking about my grandfather's death and how I know pretty well where is grave stone is. I also know that my as yet undead grandmother's name is already etched beside his. In stone, it's like an egg timer that doesn't tick and won't ever ring, but slowly counts down.

On the other hand, my maternal grandmother passed a couple years ago. She has no headstone, and her husband couldn't bring himself to scatter her ashes per her request. He has since moved to assisted living. So more waiting. 

Maybe I'll be able to come to some conclusion on this. (Eventually we all conclude.) Until then, I guess I'll just have to wait.

UPDATE 11/15:

Found out the friend is not dead yet, but being moved to a different hospital. The outlook is still dire regardless. Please make the tense future.