Ma. Salome

[bb-mariasalome]

When will love feels like enough?

[bb-mariasalome]

After long months of recounting and reflecting on what had happened,

I saw myself.

I saw how scared I was,

I realized how needy I was,

And I saw how broken I was.

I thought of things (actions and words) that I could've said or done.

What happened was long done.

It was the best decision for us to let go of each other.

He is indeed a good and special guy.

But we are not meant for each other. 

The moment I realized that, I made excuses and actions to make it work.

But it wasn't enough.

I was needy. 

I am blinded by the thought that he'd be my  potential lover.

I gave so much out of something unsure.

The thought of him taking advantage of me was so evident.

Yet I made excuses. I keep reasoning out something I'm not comfortable with.

He abused me, I abused myself, and I also abused him.

Knowing that someone likes me gave me soooo much validation —it fed up my ego.

I wanted more, I searched for more,

And that was an immature and lonely thing to do.

Everything was so toxic.

Everything felt so wrong.

That was the story of my first heartbreak in the first rainfall of May.

Enero 29, 2022

Maria Salome

[bb-mariasalome]

I allow people to take and take until I no longer have something left for myself.

[bb-mariasalome]

She did it

An act that started as a sin,

I keep repeating it to prove that it isn't.

My mindset and conscience adjusted.

I've noticed that it slowly became a hobby.

Panic took over.

"This is the end of it," "This is the last time." I keep telling myself.

But what's last became the beginning of something. 

Something new, something thrilling, something else...beyond normal, beyond me,

Or...is this me? I ask myself. 

This is what I've become.

Is it scary? Is it wrong? Is it ethical?

IDK anymore.

I can't promise something I know that I can't possibly stop.

This is like a drug that is eating me.

Slowly, painfully, and....confusing.

Enero 25, 2022

Maria Salome

[bb-mariasalome]

"It's been 6 months"

up until to this day,

his presence lingers

his words echoes

the memories are remembered

but this time, pain is gone

regret is no longer here

for where he is now,

i hope he is happy

i hope he is free

we may no longer talk

but it is my feelings and soul speak

now i accept that we may never meet

we may not touch the fate of one another

he'll be on his way and i'll be on my own

i've learned a lot in that period of short time

a week —a week of lifelong memory and story

Oktubre 26, 2021

[bb-mariasalome]

[bb-mariasalome]

[bb-mariasalome]

In lies, we trust.

[bb-mariasalome]

"The future's not ours to see...Que sera, sera"

[bb-mariasalome]

September is indeed a solemn month for me.

[resqectable]

“I need to stop fantasizing about running away to some other life, and start figuring out the one I have.”

— Holly Black

[bb-mariasalome]

Where would I start?

[bb-mariasalome]

I wander and I'm lost.

[bb-mariasalome]

How come that I still wish at 11:11?

[bb-mariasalome]

Our brain tricks us to believe what we want to believe and then everything else is just a blur.

[bb-mariasalome]

It's already September but it feels like April, when we had our first encounter.

[thoughtkick]

“The sun watches what I do. But the moon knows all my secrets.”

— Unknown

[bb-mariasalome]

Nababagabag

Hindi ko alam kung ako ba ay kakabahan o malulungkot.

Sa sobrang dami ng naiisip ko, wala na akong makuhang sagot sa aking katanungan.

"Sino ang mali?"

"Saan naging mali?"

"Bakit hindi umayon ang lahat sa plano? "

Napupuno ako ng pangamba sa aking mga naging desisyon.

Hindi dapat ako nagpadalos-dalos, hindi na dapat ako nagpakampante.

Natatakot ako na mauwi sa wala ang lahat ng pinagsamahan.

"Handa ba ako sa lahat?"

"Handa na ba kami?"

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko kung gusto ko magpatuloy o itigil ang lahat.

May parte sa akin na gusto, may parte sa akin na puno ng takot at pangamba.

"Paano kung ganito, paano kung ganyan?"

Parang moonstar, ako'y nahihilo't nalilito...aasa pa ba ako?

Ngunit...

Kahit anong gawin ko ay wala na akong aasahan pa.

Sa kakaisip ko na baka mauwi ang lahat sa wala,

Sa takot kong masira ang magandang pagsasama,

Hindi ko napansin na iyon na pala ang aking nagagawa.

Ang lahat ng katanungan sa isip ko'y hindi na masasagutan pa.

Nakakahiya, nakakalungkot, nakakagalit at nakakawalang gana...

Tapos na ang lahat ngunit ako lang itong hindi makatanggap na tayo'y wala na.

Agosto 8, 2021

9:20 PM