smile and try to mean it

fun four letter words to know and share

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Part of Jacob wondered if Bea was just gonna walk out because she couldn’t deal with any of this, but as he fed Noah, he didn’t hear anything, in fact, he couldn’t hear anything. He thought that she would have come after him, wanting to talk about it, but there was nothing, so it left Jacob looking down at his son. Having Noah full time was definitely gonna change his relationship with Beatrice, but he didn’t know why it had to be a bad thing. This was only gonna make Jacob a better person, he was sure of that, and because of it, he was gonna be a better a boyfriend to her too, or at least he hoped so anyway. He’d already seen a change in himself, and he hoped Bea did too.

Jacob looked up almost right away as soon as those four words fell from his girlfriend’s mouth, eyebrows furrowing together because it could never be seen as a good thing when someone said that. His mind started to race with the possibilities of what she was about to tell him, the main one being that she couldn’t do this anymore and she couldn’t raise Noah with him. He couldn’t blame her if she did do that, raising someone else’s kid wasn’t fair on her anyway, and now Noah didn’t have a mother so it was probably gonna fall on Bea to be that person in his life, but maybe it wouldn’t be if she didn’t want any part of it. “Alright,” he muttered, looking down just in time to see Noah pulling back from the bottle. Placing it back on the counter, he grabbed hold of a blanket and tossed it over his shoulder, bringing Noah up so his head was on the blanket, Jacob rubbing his back as he held him in his arms. He wasn’t a natural by any means, but he’d learnt a lot over the last few weeks, both from books and Bea helping him out. “What do you wanna talk about?” It was gonna be a while until Noah went down for a sleep, so he didn’t see the point in waiting. His mind was gonna be going a hundred miles an hour until she told him what was up, and Jacob couldn’t deal with not knowing. If she was leaving him, then he wanted to know now.

[beamendoza-blog]

Bea glanced down at Noah, watching him pull away from the bottle. Her heart skipped a beat at the movement and she smiled absentmindedly. This life was not working out the way she had hoped it would. Jacob moved Noah up onto his shoulder and Bea smiled warmly, momentarily forgetting the issue at hand as she watched Jacob handle his son. “You’re doing so good,” she murmured quietly, watching Jacob rub Noah’s back. His question reminded her of the matter at hand and and Bea nodded, swallowing a little. “Uh,” she murmured, desperately trying to fill time before she admitted the truth. 

“I--I’m... I’m not leaving,” she blurted out, cringing a little as her tongue refused to cooperate with her head. It would be so much better if she just got it out into the open. “So, uh, if you have a plan then... I’m in,” Bea nodded, swallowing thickly. “If not then we can come up with that together but, um,” she bit her bottom lip, staring at Jacob before closing her eyes. Just do it. “But, um, I-I’m... I’m pregnant. So, uh, you might want to factor that into... stuff,” she stammered, blushing a deep red, not daring to open her eyes again. 

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“Yeah…gone,” he repeated, still not believing it himself. He’d stupidly walked around the apartment thinking it was some kind of joke, but no, he was now a single dad raising a son. A lot of people did it, he knew that, but he’d never had the right mentality to be a father, let alone a single one. Jacob turned his head to look at Bea, watching as she stepped back to rest against the wall. No doubt it was hard for her too, she was gonna be dating a full time father now, but he was also annoyed that she wasn’t saying anything, wasn’t saying anything to comfort him or whatever. Maybe that was selfish of him, but the biggest news had just been dropped on him, and if Bea wanted to walk away then she could, Jacob wouldn’t blame her. He wouldn’t have before but definitely not now.

“I don’t know what you can do, but I need to feed him.” Walking past Bea, he picked up the bag and walked back to the kitchen, thankful that he still had some formula that he knew Noah had. He was gonna have to get more of all this stuff, but that could wait until the following day once he’d wrapped his head around the whole situation a little more. Heating up the bottle, he rested Noah in his arm and took a minute to look down at him, smiling sadly. Jacob didn’t know it was possible, but Noah’s hair had got a little longer and thicker, having even more hair than Jacob now, and he definitely looked like him, there was no doubting that he was his. Wrapping his hand around the bottle, he slowly placed it between Noah’s lips, watching as he wrapped his small mouth around it. He was so innocent, had no idea what was happening in the world…and it was up to Jacob to look after him. “I love you Noah.”

[beamendoza-blog]

Beatrice swallowed, as though ingesting the news would make it any easier to take. The baby was his now, entirely Jacob’s. They wouldn’t have free time anymore, especially not with two babies. “God,” she murmured under her breath, entirely lost for words. Within an hour her whole life had come crashing down around her. She barely registered Jacob saying he had to feed Noah and she just nodded a little, feeling like she’d been tossed and turned so many ways that she no longer knew which way was up. Bea leaned her head back against the wall, slowly sliding down it until she was sat at the bottom, staring blankly at a spot on the floor.

What were they supposed to do? If Jacob was upset now she could hardly bear the thought of how he could react to the news of her pregnancy. Yes, he’d wanted this a couple of weeks ago but things had been easier then. She buried her face in her hands for a couple of seconds, breathing out slowly as she gather her thoughts. She’d never been the kind of person who even considered abortion, she was always pro-choice but she couldn’t ever do that to her own baby. So, it stood to reason that she was keeping the child - she could never just hand her baby over to another person. She might as well just tell Jacob. Tell him. But she couldn’t be more than a couple of weeks along, so at this point anything could happen. She could wake up tomorrow bleeding and find this whole ordeal was over. But he still had a right to know. Beatrice frowned in determination and pushed herself up to stand. She marched into the kitchen and opened her mouth to speak but instantly shrunk back when he told Noah that he loved him. She couldn’t get between that. This was the very reason she’d told him they shouldn’t get back together in the first place, and now she was about to drive an even bigger wedge between father and son. “We need to talk,” she told him meekly, her eyes already darting towards the door.

[jacobscxtt-deactivated20161201]

With Bea standing there, he felt all the emotion hit, and he looked down at Noah to stop himself from crying, because that wasn’t something he ever did and he wasn’t gonna start now. Noah’s mom might have walked away, but now it was down to him and he was gonna do what he could to make sure that he could have the best life that he could possibly have. It wasn’t gonna be easy, he knew that, but Jacob always did well when it came to a challenge, and this was a life changing one. “She was gone when I got there,” he started, not able to find the right words, actually, he didn’t even know where to start. It was such a weird situation to be in, one he never expected because he thought this just happened in movies or whatever. They had been doing alright at the co-parenting thing, both of them had plenty of time with Noah, and it was just hard for Jacob to understand. He couldn’t even imagine leaving Noah, not when he had his own little personality now at two months. He was able to recognize Jacob’s voice, would react to it whenever he entered a room…it was just hard for him to wrap his head around, but he was gonna have to for Noah.

“There was a letter, saying that she couldn’t do this anymore, that she was signing over all parental rights to me. The apartment was empty…there was nothing.” Jacob had a key for emergencies which is why he had been able to just walk in, but he never expected to do that and find it empty. If someone had been recording, he would have looked like an idiot since it looked like he was talking to himself. “Noah doesn’t have a mom.” With his gaze never leaving his son, he reached into the carrier and carefully pulled him out so he could rest him against his chest. “I’m gonna have to sort out a nursery…make sure he has enough diapers and everything else. Fuck…he’s gonna need clothes because he’s already growing out of these…I’m probably gonna have to move in my with my parents unless I drop out of college and find a job.” It was so fucking overwhelming and Jacob didn’t know how to deal with it.

[beamendoza-blog]

Shit. “G-gone?” Bea stammered, her toes curling beneath her in an effort to grip onto something solid. How could a woman ever leave her child like that? She watched Jacob pick up Noah as he continued to explain everything and what he would have to do. Bea felt the blood drain from her face as a wave of nausea washed over her and her hands clenched into fists by her side. She took a couple of steps back to lean against the wall, needing something solid to hold her up whilst her head spun. “I-- I-” she attempted, but didn’t even know what she was supposed to come out of her mouth. Bea closed her eyes, praying to some higher figure that she would know the one right thing to do, to say, but nothing came to her.

Already her mind was sifting through reputable clinics nearby. Jacob wouldn’t want their child now - hell, Bea wasn’t even sure if she wanted their child. He wouldn’t have to know; if she could just keep her damned mouth shut they would be fine. She would deal with it and would only look back on it as a minor inconvenience. Again, Beatrice felt like she was going to vomit. “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to blurt out, her eyes filling with tears. She knew it wasn’t her fault but she wasn’t making things easier for him. What was she to do now? This was exactly why she’d suggested they wait a couple of weeks before discussing having their own baby again, and now she would be stuck just like she’d thought she would be before. “I--I don’t... what-- what can I do?” She asked nervously, unable to peel herself away from the wall.

[jacobscxtt-deactivated20161201]

Jacob wasn’t sure what the fuck he was meant to do, not with the carrier in hand as he walked back to his apartment. It had been his weekend with Noah as agreed with the mother of his son, but he’d gone to take Noah back, only to find out that she’d apparently left town. All that had been left for Jacob was a letter along with a document that signed over all of the parental rights to him. It made him feel sick to his stomach, knowing that he’d slept with a woman that could do this to his son, and not only that, he was terrified. Jacob had only just got used to having Noah a few times a week, and now he was gonna be having him full time, his whole life was about to change. He already thought that he’d matured since he’d been looking after his son, but now he was gonna have to grow up that much more. 

It was gonna be a shock to Bea since he wasn’t meant to be coming back with him, and if she didn’t wanna be part of this then he’d understand. She had only just come around to the idea of Jacob having Noah a few times a week…now he was gonna be there full time. Swallowing hard, he opened the door to his apartment and stepped in, dropping the bag down to the floor as he carried the carrier over to the table. “Looks like it’s you and me boy,” he murmured as he looked at Noah, who happened to be fast asleep since the car journey had completely taken all his energy out of him. There was so much he was gonna have to do, starting with sorting out a nursey for Noah, which he had every intention of doing, but now there was gonna be a small rush to make it happen. Jacob knew his parents would help him too, but it was all becoming a little overwhelming. Looking up when he heard a noise, he bit down on his bottom lip as he met Bea’s gaze, tears pricking the corner of his eyes which wasn’t something he ever did…he didn’t show emotion. “Surprise.”

[beamendoza-blog]

Bea gritted her teeth as she tied the neck of the trash bag and carried it downstairs to the general waste area for the whole apartment block, trying her best not to think of what was inside. How had she let herself get to this? They had agreed to wait a couple of weeks, and yet her period had never come. It wasn’t a rarity for her to miss a course, between the stress she was under and her poor eating habits it was more likely for her not to go through her cycle at all, but she’d known this time was different. As soon as Jacob had left that morning to take Noah back to his mother, she’d taken the home kit tests. Bea tossed the bag into the dumpster, making certain that Jacob wouldn’t find the four positive pregnancy tests within. She sighed and stared at the bag for a few moments before turning on her heel and marching back up to their apartment. She had wanted to put this off until she graduated, to assure Jacob that it would happen - because it would - but she wanted her degree to fall back on. Now? Now she had nothing but her art, and her parents had told her time and time again that she would never make a living off the media. 

Once she was back in the apartment Bea threw herself down onto the bed, her hands immediately falling to rest on her abdomen. She swallowed thickly and closed her eyes, trying to imagine what her life would be like now. Not only would she be raising someone else’s baby (part time) but she would also be raising her own. She’d always wanted a big family, but not like this. When she heard Jacob return to the apartment Bea pushed herself to her feet and sighed, hastily pulling her shirt back down to cover her belly. The brunette gingerly stepped out into the living room, ready to admit everything on the spot, but she froze when she saw Noah was still there. Surprise. Bea’s brows drew together in an instant and she observed Jacob as though he’d told her the sky was falling. “What?” She questioned softly, crossing her arms over her chest. “Wh--what? Surprise, what?”

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There was no doubt for Jacob that Bea was the girl he was gonna be with for the rest of his life, they’d only broken up because he didn’t want to be tied down at college, but looking back, it had been a stupid reason. It hadn’t been because he didn’t love her or shit like that, he just wanted her to try and live her life as much as she could during college. “Sure…he’s not gonna be here all the time, but yeah, take as much time as you need.” For Jacob, it was set in stone what he wanted, and now it was just Bea who needed to get her head around it. “A couple more weeks.”

Moving in together made sense to him, Jacob could be an asshole sometimes and Bea was the only one who could keep him in check. Plus with him making time to see Noah, there was going to be less time where he would see Bea. If they lived together, then he would see her all the time, and since they’d been with one another for a long time before, Jacob didn’t see why she wouldn’t want to move in with him. It just seemed like the right thing to do for all of them, and he was determined to make it work. “Yeah, I mean…I can be a jerk or whatever, but I’m a neat freak and yeah, I want you to move in with me.”

Jacob quirked an eyebrow as Beatrice walked over to him and sat on his lap, not expecting it, though it didn’t stop him from placing his hand on her back to hold her steady. Looking between the both of them, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face, leaning forward to press a kiss to the top of her shoulder. It was definitely a case of Beatrice being a mother without a baby, even if she did currently have one in her arms. “If you wanna wait a few weeks to see where we are, it doesn’t mean we can’t practice the whole trying for a baby thing, right?”

[beamendoza-blog]

Jacob seemed to be set on flying full speed ahead and for the first time in her life Bea wanted desperately to slam on the brakes. He was offering her everything she’d ever wanted, but she had expected it ten years later. Her mind was racing as she analysed every detail, silently chewing on the inside of her cheek. He knew this was what she wanted, and yet somehow Bea felt out maneuvered. Jacob told her she could take as much time as she needed and she nodded slowly. “Thank you,” she murmured, glancing up at him again when he repeated her time frame. What if she hadn’t made her decision by then?

He told her he wanted her to move in with her and a slow smile spread across her face. She glanced around and then nodded quickly. “You know you’re going to have to put up with all my girl shit around here, right?” She smirked. Jacob was a tidy person, and Bea was not so much. But still, making a home with him was something she’d been longing to do for a while now.

Bea felt Jacob’s hand on her back and she smiled, then gently leaned in toward him a little more. She watched Noah drinking from the bottle and she smiled, nestling against Jacob’s chest. Upon hearing Jacob talk she glanced up at him, then laughed quietly. Bea nodded, pressing a kiss to his chin. “We can still practice,” she told him with a playful roll of his eyes. “But not right now,” she added with a grin. “Because I’m kinda busy with another little guy,” Bea winked. 

[beamendoza-blog]

jacobscxtt:

It was almost too hard for him to keep the smile off his face as he mentioned about having a baby, noticing the way that Bea eyes widened. “Yeah, I’m serious,” he admitted with another shrug of his shoulders, because he’d surprised himself by bringing it up. They might have been in college, but Jacob had a job too which gave him some money for rent and everything else. Maybe it wasn’t the best time, but they knew they were gonna end up together, so what was the point n waiting? It would make it awesome if he had two kids close together because he was close with his sister, and he wanted the same for his own kids. Maybe it was the wrong thing to be thinking about, but he wanted that.

“I was thinking that maybe you should move in with me too.” It was something he had been thinking about because he did love her, and she loved him. They pretty much spent all their free time together anyway, so it made sense and it would be the next step in their relationship. Bea put up with a lot when it came to him so he knew that he’d be able to put up with living with him to. That was one good thing he had about him, he was pretty much a neat freak so he wasn’t like a normal college boy whose apartments were completely trashed, his was spotless and that was the way he liked it. 

Checking the temperature of the bottle and happy with it, Jacob walked back into the living room and smiled as soon as he saw Bea with his son. She definitely had a way with her when it came to kids, and it was only gonna get better from here. Resting a hand on her shoulder, he handed her the bottle before sitting down, knowing he wouldn’t have to tell her what to do because she was a natural, and with how many babies she’d had in her life, she was sure to have fed a couple of them.

Jacob told her he was serious and Bea swallowed slowly, not sure what to think. Her lifelong dream was being handed to her by the man she loved, and yet she was tempted to turn him down. Her hands dropped to her abdomen and she pressed her palms against her flat stomach, trying to imagine herself carrying a child - their child. “I-I don’t know,” she stammered, her cheeks flaring bright red. “I mean, of course I want to, nothing would make me happier but... let’s just give it a couple more weeks with the three of us, yeah?” She asked him. “And then we can figure out a more concrete plan,” Bea decided with a nod.

He then told her to move in with him too and she stared at him blankly. Where was this all coming from? They’d only just gotten back together and now he was asking her both to have his baby and to move in with her. What if they broke up again and she was left pregnant and homeless? Bea swallowed at the thought and bit her bottom lip. “Are you sure?” She asked slowly. She knew that living with him would be fine - they practically lived together already - but she was all too aware of the fragility of their relationship: after all, he’d already asked her to leave once today.

Jacob returned with the bottle and Bea smiled, thanking him quietly when he passed it to her. She watched him get comfortable on the couch and Beatrice carefully flipped Noah in her arms and then moved to sit on Jacob’s lap, resting her head against his chest. She moved the bottle to Noah’s lips and waited for his mouth to open, then began to feed him with a small smile on her face. Sitting there, curled up in Jacob’s lap with a tiny baby in her arms, Bea realised that her foray into motherhood would be all too easy. 

[beamendoza-blog]

jacobscxtt:

“Fourteen? I’ve only got my sister and she’s older than me so I’ve never had to change one,” he admitted, “at least until now.” He liked to think he’d done an okay job with it, he hadn’t got peed on and the diaper was staying on his son, not bad for a first time and he could only get better from here. “I mean, I’d say we start trying now but I don’t know how you’d feel about that,” he murmured with a small shrug, still holding Noah against his chest before he pressed a kiss to the side of his head. Jacob had always known that Bea wanted kids, and he’d always wanted them with her at some point, but he could see how this was affecting his girlfriend and he wanted and needed to give her what she wanted in life.

Jacob watched as Bea tidied up once he had Noah, prepared to do it himself, but he appreciated her helping since he was still struggling with how to do everything all at once. He smiled softly as she pressed a kiss to his cheek, glad that she’d decided to stay and was helping him out. She didn’t have to, he knew that, but it definitely lifted a little bit of the weight off him, meaning he could properly enjoy the time he had with his son. It was hard to do that when he was worrying about how to put on a diaper properly or how he needed feeding. He wasn’t sure how he would have coped if Bea hadn’t been there. 

Seeing how happy Bea was at the thought of feeding Noah, Jacob placed him back in her arms, giving her another kiss on the cheek before walking out to the kitchen with a bottle in his hand. He even had a temperature gauge thing so he didn’t have it too hot or too cold, it needed to be exactly the right heat. “If you wanna sit down and I’ll bring the bottle over to you,” he explained, hoping she could hear him through the apartment.

“Mhm,” Bea hummed quietly, smiling when he told her about his sister. “Three younger brothers and a younger sister, and then obviously nine other cousins,” she explained with a small smile. “You’re doing just fine,” Bea promised him. Jacob suggesting trying for a child already and Beatrice stared at him with wide eyes, trying to figure out if he was kidding. “Are you serious?” She asked slowly, not quite certain what to make of his suggestion. Of course she wanted kids, and she certainly wanted them with him, but not whilst she was still in college - but then again, she’d already signed herself up to care for one baby. 

Bea knew that her parents would be less than happy if they found out about what she was doing. They’d already made her switch her studies to fit around their agenda for her so she had no doubt that they would try to change her social life too. But Jacob was something on which she would always stand firm, and she’d made it constantly clear throughout her life that she wanted children (a fact which displeased her father who was more a business man than a family one). They had to know that she wasn’t giving up this dream as easily as the others.

Noah was placed back in her arms and Bea grinned gently. She flipped him over so that he was laying on his front, not wanting the baby to start complaining if he was hungry when they were just about to see to that. Bea half heard Jacob telling her to sit down, but she was busy patting Noah’s back and humming to him quietly, trying to keep the baby preoccupied. She rocked her hips from side to side slowly as she switched from patting to rubbing slow circles between his tiny shoulder blades, perfectly happy to stay like this forever.

[beamendoza-blog]

jacobscxtt:

Jacob sighed softly as he admitted that he didn’t know how to change a diaper, caught by surprise when Bea came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “That’s easier said than done,” he mumbled, letting out a deep breath as he tried to relax. Jacob was just worried about doing something wrong, or dropping him, or something worse. “How can I not be tense?” Furrowing his eyebrows together, he did as she told him to do, opening the poppers on the onesie and pulled it up to his armpits, chuckling quietly as he wiggled as much as he could as he lay there. “You’re gonna be a right little handful.” Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to Noah’s nose. 

“Pull open the little tabs,” he repeated, doing just that as he pulled the diaper away from him and dropped it into a bag so he could throw it away once he was done. “How do you know how to do this?” Taking hold of one of the wipes, he quickly cleaned him up, shaking his head at the amount of mess one small baby could make. “He might pee on me? Why would he wanna do that? But then I guess he’s my boy, can’t really blame him for wanting to do that.” Once he was clean, he put the new diaper on, impressed with himself when he got it on tight and it didn’t fall off as soon as it was on.

“I think I’ve got it.” Clasping the onesie back up, he lifted Noah off the changing pad and brought him back to his chest, letting out a small sigh of relief that he’d done his first diaper change and it was all down to the girl in front of him. “Thanks for helping me, I wouldn’t have known what to do.” He wasn’t afraid of admitting he needed help, but he didn’t need Bea telling him that he wasn’t gonna be a good dad either. “Do you wanna feed him or something? I can heat up the bottle and then he’s all yours. I’ve done it before but you haven’t, so maybe it would be a good thing.”

Beatrice just smiled softly when Jacob continued to fret. “It’s okay, Jake,” she murmured. “It’s natural to feel like this, but you know you’ll be just fine,” Bea assured him softly, spreading out her fingers on his abdomen to cover more of his skin. “You don’t need to worry about any of this, one day you’ll look back and laugh at how stressed you were,” she promised him with another kiss to his shoulder blade. Bea smiled when Noah began to wiggle on the matt and she felt her heart clench when Jacob kissed his son’s nose. Knowing that another woman had given him a son who clearly made him so happy cut Bea to the core.

“I’m the eldest of fourteen cousins,” she explained whilst watching him do as she’d instructed. “I probably changed my first diaper when I was six,” Bea told him with a grin. She was then quiet for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “And I know what I want, and I want kids,” she shrugged. “So I made it my business to learn everything I would need to know,” Bea explained, gently pressing the backs of her fingers against the soft spot at the top of Noah’s skull. Jacob called Noah his boy and Bea’s stomach flipped. Her eyes found Noah and she nodded slowly. “He is.”

Once Noah was against Jacob’s chest again Bea began to tidy away the changing mat and the wipes, quietly packing them back into the diaper bag. “It’s okay,” She smiled, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. “That’s what I’m here for.” Jacob offered to let her feed Noah and Beatrice beamed at him, then glanced down at Noah. “I would love to,” she admitted with a nod. 

[beamendoza-blog]

jacobscxtt:

“No, I didn’t put those words into your mouth, you literally said it’s an experience I wouldn’t want to share, meaning it’s not one you wanna share either.” Jacob always had a temper and he was trying to get better with it, especially when he had a kid now. The last thing he wanted was to get angry in front of Noah, but Bea was making it hard. “Would I help you raise another man’s baby? Yeah, I fucking would. You know why? Because I love you, I wouldn’t put all this shit on you and make you doubt how you’re gonna be as a fucking mother.” That still hurt more than he thought it would, and it was hard to let it go. He was trying, wasn’t that good enough? Apparently it wasn’t anymore. 

Jacob didn’t look back as he walked into the bedroom, dropping the bag to the floor as he sat down and held Noah against his chest, rubbing his back with his free hand. If he was honest, Jacob didn’t want Bea to be there if she was just going to question everything he did, he didn’t want to be in her company. He was meant to be bonding with his son, and now he was worrying about his girlfriend and he couldn’t do both, not when he was still learning how to be a father. Jacob knew she was standing in the doorway without having to look up and then she spoke, causing Jacob to clench his jaw. It sounded like he was accusing her of incompetence yet again, and that made his chest tighten painfully. 

“No, I don’t know what I’m doing, but at least i’m fucking trying.” Jacob had a lot of pride so it took a lot for him to admit that, something Bea should have known. “No new father knows what he’s doing. Don’t I deserve some credit for trying? Do you know how many fathers walk away and don’t even bother? A lot. But I’m not…I want this to work, and instead of doubting me all the time, I need you to support me.” Not sure why he was crying, Jacob stood up and grabbed the change mat out of the bag, placing it on the bed before setting Noah down on top of it. He wanted to look like he knew what he was doing, but he had no idea. “I don’t know how to change a diaper.”

Bea groaned a little and rubbed at her eyes. “This is something I want to do, Jacob! If it wasn’t I wouldn’t be here,” she insisted, running her hands through her dark hair. She knew she was pushing his buttons but right now she couldn’t help it. She had to know. He told her he would help and Bea sighed when Jacob said he wouldn’t doubt her. “I know,” she whispered, admitting defeat. “I’m sorry.”

He admitted he didn’t know what he was doing and Bea nodded, watching him rant as he tried to calm Noah. Jacob finally came to say he didn’t know how to change a diaper and Bea smiled softly. Without a word she moved to stand behind him and gently wrap her arms around his waist. “Soften your muscles,” she whispered, kissing his shoulder as she peeked at the baby on the bed. “He can tell if you’re tense,” she mumbled into his shirt. Beatrice then moved to the baby bag. “Open the poppers on his onesie at the crotch and pull it up to under his armpits,” she smiled and grabbed a new diaper, baby powder and the pack of wipes. 

Bea sat above Noah’s head on the bed and laid everything out in a line. “Pull open the little tabs,” she then explained, pointing to the sticky patches on Noah’s diaper. She leaned down to kiss Noah’s nose and gently soothe his hair down, hoping to calm him down whilst Jacob changed him. “And then use the wipes to clean him,” Bea nodded, her voice slow and steady. “In future you will probably want to be quick because he might pee on you, but we can let that slide for today.” Beatrice offered him a kind smile and leaned forward to kiss Jacob’s nose too. “You’re doing fine.”

[beamendoza-blog]

jacobscxtt:

Jacob probably shouldn’t have mentioned about sleeping with the girl only twice, but he was trying to be as honest with Bea as he could, and if that included talking about the mother of his son, then that’s what he was going to do. Plus his girlfriend had a point, he was gonna have to know about his medical history, just in case something happened and he had to take him to the hospital. “I’ve already done up a crib, it’s in my bedroom,” he murmured, trying not to get annoyed. “And she’s bottle feeding, there’s some formula in the bag.”

He always tried to not let Bea doubting him hurt him in any way, but when he was doubting himself when it came to being a father, he needed her support more than anything. “It matters because it hurts that you’d think I would be a horrible father.” He was a new dad yeah, but so were a lot of many other guys and they managed perfectly fine, he didn’t know why it had to be any different for him. Jacob furrowed his eyebrows together as she continued to talk, trying not to think about Bea with another guy, but he knew it had probably happened while they had been apart. “I never got you pregnant because you’ve always been on birth control, she apparently wasn’t,” he grumbled, his annoyance growing with every passing second. “You know what, it’s obviously not an experience you want to share, so just get out Bea and let me do this on my own. If this isn’t something you wanna share with me, if it’s not the life you want, then get the fuck out. I’ve been doing everything I can to make it a thing for us, but it’s still not good enough for you, so just go.”

Shaking his head, he stepped towards her and took Noah out of her arms, thankful that he was still asleep from the car ride they’d taken. “I haven’t got time to be patient with you…you’re either in this with me or you’re not.” His raised voice obviously woke up Noah as the next thing that pierced the room was his cry, and Jacob started to rock him gently. “Get out Bea.” Picking the diaper bag off the floor, he hooked it over his shoulder and walked past the girl into his bedroom. He wasn’t sure what he was doing when it came to calming him down, but this was his first test.

Bea could hear the slight edge to Jacob’s voice and she sighed slightly. She could tell he was getting irritated but all she wanted was the best for Noah, she didn’t want him to have one routine with his mother and then another with Jacob. “Okay,” she murmured softly, glancing at the bag warily and trying to bite her tongue. Nursing is so much healthier. Bea shouldn’t have been so opinionated but if there was one thing she was meant to do, it was be a mother. She’d known how she was going to raise her child from a young age, and Noah’s upbringing would be entirely different from the one she had planned. 

“I never said that,” Beatrice countered. “You put literally all of those words into my mouth,” she muttered, setting her jaw. In truth she didn’t think he would make a good father, but with her by his side she hoped she would be able to help. She could tell he was getting more and more annoyed and Bea sighed when he mentioned she had been on birth control. She pressed her fingertips to the space between her brows and sighed. “That wasn’t the point, the point was that I’m now going to be reminded every day of my life that you were with another woman. Would you really put your whole life on hold to help me raise another man’s baby?” She questioned. Admittedly she wouldn’t need help, but she would need company.

He told her to go and Bea just sighed. “Well you’re going to have to make time because I’m not leaving,” she quipped, narrowing her eyes as the baby was taken from her. Beatrice didn’t know what it was, but Jacob taking Noah away felt like he was pulling a part of her away too. Her stomach clenched when Noah cried and Bea swallowed, noticing the way Jacob seemed quick to get out of her company now. She paused, ignoring his order for her to leave, and watched him vanish into the bedroom. After a moment she stepped over to the doorway to watch Jacob try to console Noah. “Do you know what you’re doing?” She asked quietly, more to check that he was okay than to accuse him of incompetence. 

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“No, I don’t know anything about her, I only slept with her twice,” he admitted with a small shrug, meeting Bea’s gaze as she looked at him. Jacob knew that she had a point, especially when it came to Noah, it was a good idea to know about her family history because he knew he didn’t have anything that ran through his. “Alright, I’ll talk to her…one conversation.” He didn’t really want one with her, but it was hard to deny what Bea was saying and he’d never be able to forgive himself if he got sick and he had no idea what it was. 

Jacob had always doubted himself as a father, so to think Bea doubted him hurt him more than he thought it would. “So you did doubt me?” Shaking his head, he tried not to let it get to him too much, but it was impossible to do when the girl he loved thought of him that way. “That’s still going to be a new experience for us. I wasn’t there for the months of trying or the nine months…I only found out a month before he was born,” he murmured, his eyebrows furrowed together in a frown. “That’s still going to be a new thing for both of us.”

He could understand what she was saying and why, but to him, it didn’t have to change, nor did he want it to. He still wanted a kid with Bea at some point. “How could he put you off children? I mean…you’ve seen how cute Noah is and he’s half of me, think how cute our baby would be, that could never put you off.” Bea was always going to be a Mom and Jacob wanted to make that happen for her. “Then we’ll figure it out, it’s still the two of us in that sense, still you and I. If you don’t wanna be a part of this…then walk away now but I don’t want you to.”

[beamendoza-blog]

Bea nodded curtly when Jacob admitted he didn’t know anything about Noah’s mother, and her nostrils flared at the mention of sleeping with her twice. Beatrice knew she shouldn’t be jealous but she couldn’t help it, that woman had something of Jacob’s that she now felt she never would; a son. Jacob promised to have at least one conversation with her and Bea nodded slowly. “Okay,” she said with an attempted smile. “You might want to see where she’s having him sleep and everything... if she’s nursing or bottle feeding.”

Jacob questioned her doubting him and Bea sighed. “What does that matter now? You have a kid and you’re doing fine.” Granted, it had only been one month out of several hundred, but he could learn as Noah grew. They both could. Jacob insisted it would still be a new thing for them and Bea pursed her lips together. He didn’t seem to understand. “Jake,” she murmured softly, leaning against the back of the couch. “Imagine this baby in my arms is biologically mine... and you’re not the father,” she bit her bottom lip nervously. “That every time you look at the baby you’re reminded that I was with someone else, that of all the countless times you and I slept together you never got me pregnant, but sleeping with one guy twice did the trick,” Bea caught herself going off track and frowned. “Does that sound like an experience you want us to share? Is that how you envisioned your life?” She asked him gently, her wide eyes watching him. “This isn’t a thing for us, this is a thing for you to experience and for me to stand by.” 

Shaking her head at Jacob’s words, Bea sighed. “He might be cute but cuteness doesn’t prevent colic or SIDS or anything else that can happen. There are so many possibilities, so many illnesses, so many things to protect him from,” she insisted fearfully. He told her he could walk away and she frowned, shaking her head. “You’ve already told me I can walk away and I’ve already told you I was going to stay, the night you told me about him. You should know that I’m here to stay. I just... I need you to be patient with me, okay?”

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The truth was, Jacob didn’t know much about Noah’s mom either since they’d only slept together twice and they’d pretty much had sex and then left each other. He didn’t know anything about her, all he knew was that she was hot and she made a gorgeous son with him, and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know more. The only time they needed to talk was when they were sorting out arrangements for Noah, apart from that, they didn’t need to know about each others lives, though he’d made sure to tell her about Bea so there was no resentment. “I mean…thanks I guess.”

Even with Bea telling him that she was okay, Jacob knew that she wasn’t, he could tell by the way her voice cracked and how she was barely looking at him. But then he couldn’t blame her for looking at Noah, he really was a beautiful baby and he still couldn’t believe that part of his DNA had made him. He’d had his doubts at the beginning whether he was even his, but you only had to look at Noah and you could see the resemblance so he wasn’t questioning it anymore, instead enjoying that he had a son. 

Jacob couldn’t help but swallow hard when Bea finally looked at him, his joke not even getting a smile out of her and then she explained why and he couldn’t help but feel sick. “There’s no reason why it can’t be our future still,” he murmured, a small frown of his own appearing on his forehead. “I might have Noah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one of these with you.” With his fingers still running through her hair, he leaned forward again and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Why does any of that have to change? You’ve never thought I’d be much of a father anyway.”

[beamendoza-blog]

When Jacob didn’t say much in regards to Noah’s mother either, Bea frowned. “Don’t you know anything about her either?” She asked softly, her eyes wide with curiosity. “You might... you might want to learn a thing or two, Jake. Even if it’s just a family medical history. If Noah got sick and it was something inherited from her family you wouldn’t have any idea,” she rambled, shaking her head to herself at the thought of the child getting sick. “Just... one conversation,” Bea sighed. “I think you should do that,” she pressed. 

Bea all but flinched when she heard Jacob swallow so harshly. She sighed quietly when he said it could still be their future. He pointed out that she hadn’t thought he would be a good father and she shook her head slowly, kissing his chin gently. “I thought we would have time to figure it out together,” she explained. “The months trying, the nine months of pregnancy,” Bea bit the inside of her cheek. “We could’ve laughed at my cravings together and videoed my belly,” she shrugged a little as her fantasy now seemed further away than ever. 

“It doesn’t have to change,” she nodded a little. “But don’t you think it will? We’re going to be raising a baby... I’m going to be raising someone else’s baby,” Bea sighed. “And I’m going to be spending the whole time wishing he was mine. What if he puts me off children? What if his mother up and leaves us with him? We have no idea what is going to happen. When it was the two of us I was always so certain, but now I have no idea what’s going to happen with us,” she frowned. “The three of us.”

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“Yeah, we’ve definitely got a trooper.” It made him smile, the fact that she was referring to them as a ‘we’, because it gave him hope about the whole situation. It could have gone very different with Bea walking away from him, so he was thankful that she was staying with him. “Do we want him to take after me?” Jacob would never say that he was a good guy, he definitely had his faults, but he liked to think he was getting better over time, and he’d definitely matured since he’d been with Bea.

As soon as he handed Noah over to Bea, he could see the change in her almost instantly and his heart started to pound against his chest. He’d never seen her with a baby before, but this set something off inside him, and he could see how hard it was for her. It just made him love her that much more, that she was doing this for him, trying, and he didn’t know how he was ever gonna thank her for what she was doing. A lot of girls would have walked away, not able to stand seeing their boyfriend with a baby that they’d had with someone else, but Bea wasn’t just another girl. Jacob couldn’t keep his eyes off her holding Noah, not saying anything as he watched her bond with him, though what he wasn’t expecting was the tears, not sure whether it was because she was happy, or sad, but either way, Jacob hated to see her cry, especially when he didn’t know why.

Stepping forward slightly, he brought his hand up and ran his fingers through her hair in a soothing manner, doing what he could to calm her down. “I never thought any different, but you’re a natural.” Some people were born to be a mother or father, and that was definitely the case when it came to Bea. She already seemed to be a mom without a baby, and it pained him that he’d got himself in this situation, having a baby with someone else that wasn’t her. His first kid was never gonna be with Bea so he assumed that’s why she was crying. “I mean…I’m a perfect guy, but I don’t see you crying because of it,” he teased, wanting to lighten the mood a little since he didn’t want Noah picking up on the atmosphere and crying himself, he wasn’t prepared for that yet. 

[beamendoza-blog]

Bea tilted her head a little when Jacob repeated her pronoun. Surely he’d picked up on it, so instead of commenting on it she glanced down at the child in his arms again. At his question she bit her bottom lip. The answer was a definitive no - but, Noah wasn’t about to take after her either. “I don’t know,” Bea answered slowly. “I don’t know what his mom is like,” her voice softened at the mention of the other woman who would now forever be linked to Jacob. “So,” she shrugged, buying her time as she tried to think of an answer that would pacify him. “I guess, for the time being, you will do.” 

A slow sigh slipped from her lips when she felt Jacob’s fingers in her hair. “I’m okay,” she attempted to assure him, but her voice failed her and cracked slightly. She wasn’t even sure why she was crying; the infant in her arms was no less than beautiful, and he belonged to Jacob. But maybe that was the problem. Noah was Jacob’s, not theirs. He told her she was a natural and Beatrice smiled softly, still refusing to tear her eyes away from Noah against her chest. 

Jacob cracked a joke and Bea shook her head slowly, finally looking up at him. “I wanted this for us so badly,” she conceded in a whisper. “Not now, of course,” Bea added with a small frown. “But... at some point, I had hoped that this was what our future held.” Beatrice licked her lips and looked down at Noah. “I hadn’t expected it to look like this,” she said, her voice a little flat. “I wanted this to be ours,” Bea admitted softly, biting her bottom lip whilst trying to avoid looking at both Noah and Jacob.

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Jacob could sense the change in Bea as soon as he turned towards her, and there was a feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach that he was putting her through this. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that she wanted to be the one to have his kids, and there wasn’t any reason why she couldn’t be, he just had another one with someone else. But even knowing that didn’t stop his stomach from flipping, desperately wanting to reach out to her but not knowing if it would be wanted. It was a hard situation to be dealing with.

Glancing down at the baby in his arms, he paused for a second before looking up at Bea, watching as she came closer towards him. He’d known her long enough now, but even he couldn’t figure out what she was thinking, though he was sure it was a mixture of happiness and sadness all at the same time. “Yeah, he was only five pounds when he was boring,” he explained, smiling softly as Bea rested her hand on his arm. “He was born three weeks early so he’s still got a bit of catching up to do.” When Jacob had first held him, he’d been scared about breaking him or squeezing him to hard from holding him, but he was a lot better now, anyone could see that.

“Yeah? I look good as a Dad?” He understood people’s reservations about him being a father, he was selfish both about his time and his belongings, but he was gonna prove to everyone that he could do this and he was gonna be good at it. As Bea stepped back, Jacob looked at her once more and moved a little closer, holding Noah out to her so she could hold him. He wasn’t gonna say no for an answer either, placing the baby in her arms before she could say no. Jacob was doing what he could to combine his two lives, the one he had with Bea and his life as a father, and this was the first step for him.

[beamendoza-blog]

Jacob explained that situation of Noah’s birth and Bea smiled softly, looking down at the baby. “We’ve got a trooper here, huh?” She asked, glancing up at Jacob. We. They didn’t really have anything, this was all Jacob’s. “If he takes after you, he’ll have to problem bulking up,” Bea smiled a little and pressed her hand to Jacob’s taught abdomen. She wasn’t entirely sure where to look; in both places she saw Jacob, and she wasn’t sure which view was more beautiful. Either way, she was struck by the difference in the man she loved.

Her stomach knotted at his question and she pushed the corners of her mouth up into a smile. “Of course you do,” she nodded, looking him up and down and forcing herself not to focus on Noah too much. When he’d first told her about Noah she had doubted him (in fact, she had doubted him up to this very second) but seeing that proud smile on his face assured her; he would be good. But when he stepped towards her, his arms extended, Bea immediately opened her mouth to turn him away. She didn’t want to take his son away from him, that was the whole reason she’d told him that this was too much for her in the first place. A good relationship between Jacob and his son was what Bea strived for. And then the infant was placed in her arms and it was like the whole world fell away. 

Beatrice examined the diminutive creature carefully, her arms instinctively cradling him against her chest. “A baby,” she murmured, as though puzzled by the sudden intrusion in her arms. “Hello, little one,” Bea crooned, her lips brushing against the peach of Noah’s cheek. “Hello, you beautiful, little thing.” Bea could feel the tears slicing her words and she closed her mouth, pressing her lips together as she sighed slowly through her nose. She kissed each of his tiny fingertips in turn, her belly quickening once her brain finally allowed her to register the damp weight of the child in her arms. “Look,” Beatrice almost laughed. “You’ve made me cry, my love,” she whispered, carefully brushing the tears from her cheeks, having forgotten about Jacob’s presence a long time ago. “How ever did you manage that? You tiny little, perfect little boy.”

[beamendoza-blog]

jacobscxtt:

Jacob wouldn’t have blamed Bea for walking away from him after he’d hit her with the news that he had a son with someone else. She’d never made it a secret that she wanted kids one day, but Jacob always thought that it would be a long time from now when they were a little more mature to be able to handle things. He wasn’t sure if he was mature enough for it, well actually he knew he wasn’t, but he had a son and now it was his time to step up. He didn’t want to be like some of the guys out there who just didn’t give a fuck about their kids, leaving it to the Mom to do it all, Jacob wanted to help with whatever he could, even if he did risk his relationship with Bea by doing that. He was just thankful at this point that she was willing to stand by him and help him out in any way she could.

Bea was probably in the worst position, having to watch him raise a child with another woman who he had been with while they had been apart. She was a far stronger person than he could ever be, but that said a lot about the person she was, and it just made it even clearer for him just how much he loved her. Part of him figured that they needed the time apart to come back together again even better, but that was the sappy side of him talking, one he didn’t show all that often. It was gonna be the first time that Bea was meeting his child too, and while he loved Bea, he also had this unconditional love for Noah, had done as soon as he’d met him, so his dream scenario would have been that Bea loved his son too, it would make things a lot easier. It was a hard thing for her to deal with, but he didn’t see why they couldn’t make it work for all of them.

He’d noticed how Bea had been a little detached from him since he’d told her about Noah, and he wondered if it was for that reason or something else, but he hoped meeting his son would change all that. He was unsure around Bea himself, mainly because he didn’t want to force her into something she wasn’t ready for, which is why his nerves were going as he stepped up to his house, thankful that she was there to open the door for him since he was already struggling with the carrier and the diaper bag.

“Hey yourself,” he murmured, stepping forward to press a kiss to Bea’s cheek as he placed the bag on the floor, kicking the door shut behind him before walking to the table where he placed the carrier. Removing the blankets from around Noah, he picked him up and settled him in his arms before turning to Bea, the feeling of what was happening still somewhat surreal. “So this is Noah.” There was no denying that he was his, you only had to glance at him to see the resemblance.

A slight dimple blossomed in Bea’s cheek when Jacob kissed her and she smiled, sparing a glance at the diaper bag on the floor. Her wide eyes watched Jacob set the carrier on the table and move something within it. Bea let out a slow breath, desperate to calm her nerves before the baby was presented to her; it wouldn’t make any difference to Noah but she wanted to seem strong in front of Jacob. All she wanted was for this all to go off without a hitch.

But then he was standing there with a baby in his arms and Beatrice dug her nails into the back of the couch as her knees threatened to give way. “Oh,” she breathed, feeling the wind getting knocked out of her at the sight. This was an image she’d always imagined and Bea couldn’t decide whether she wanted to focus on the euphoria of it coming true, or the heartbreak at not being the woman who had given Jacob that child. “So it is,” Beatrice swallowed, unable to tear her eyes away from the infant in his arms. A few moments passed and Bea finally felt able to trust her legs again. She stepped forward slowly, glancing up at Jacob as though she needed his permission to come any closer. 

Beatrice’s eyes focused on the tiny baby. She took in the rosy cheeks, and dipped her finger to run along the ski slope of his button nose. “He’s tiny,” she whispered, resting her hand on Jacob’s forearm that held his son. Beatrice watched the swell of Noah’s chest and tried to match her breathing with his. “He’s beautiful.” As much as it pained her to admit it, it was true. Bea forced herself to step back a little and she looked up at Jacob with a small smile, feeling like he was worlds away. “You look good,” she assured him - after all, she was supposed to be helping him with this. 

[beamendoza-blog]

Bea tapped her nails against the counter anxiously, watching the clock on the wall ticking by, seemingly dragging out its every move. She sighed and turned back to face the kitchen, her eyes scanning over every surface. She’d been doing her best to try baby proof Jacob’s whole apartment - not that Noah could really harm himself on anything yet, but soon he would grow and Bea knew how much of a threat babies posed to themselves. Her pulse thundered in her ears at the thought of Noah growing up. She was in this now - like actually, really in this. No longer were her and Jacob free to lounge around all day, she couldn’t dance in his underwear at 3am, they couldn’t spend a whole weekend perpetually drunk. They had to care for a baby.

She was far too young for children, that much she knew, but the thought of having to help the man she loved raise another woman’s child was one that kept her up at night. Bea had offered to do this, and she would continue to do anything for Jacob - but what if Noah grew up into something neither of them recognised? She doubted she would have any trouble falling in love with Noah - any extension of Jacob would have Bea head over heels - but part of her wanted to hold back. If she was Noah’s mother and knew another woman was raising him half of the time she would resent the woman in her own position. Beatrice wanted the best for Noah; for him to have a stable home with a constant mother and father, but that wasn’t up to her. She didn’t have the authority to make those kinds of calls in his life. 

It was a little odd: the past couple of weeks she’d been feeling detached from Jacob. He had this whole other part of his life that she knew nothing about. Now that she was going to meet it she almost wanted to turn back. Maybe if she never laid her eyes on the child he wouldn’t really exist - babies were a blessing, but this particular blessing had her gnawing at her nails. 

The sound of keys outside door pulled her back to the present and Beatrice rushed over to it, not wanting Jacob to have to struggle with unlocking the door himself. She flipped the lock quickly and opened the door, stepping back gingerly to make space for him to come in, her toes curling with sudden delight when she saw a tuft of dark hair protruding from the blankets in the carrier. “Hey,” she smiled softly, looking back up at Jacob anxiously.

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“I don’t even know what the difference is,” he chuckled, taking her back towards his bedroom. He didn’t care where they were as long as he got to have her how he wanted. With his hands tight around her, Jacob tilted his head a little more, giving Bea more room to work with when it came to kissing his through. “You’re trying to kill me,” he groaned, kicking the door to the bedroom shut behind him once he had stepped in.

[beamendoza-blog]

Bea just laugh softly, scrunching up her nose at the thought of him having her on that spot. She smirked as he carried her into his bedroom, and she sucked at his skin gently when Jacob told her he was killing her. “Aw, really? You’re supposed to be enjoying it,” Bea teased, batting her eyelashes at him. They finally reached his room and she pressed quick, fleeting kisses back up his throat to find his lips again. She hummed, satisfied once her mouth was against his again, and contemplated standing on her own two feet for a moment before deciding against it and tightening her thighs around his hips instead.