Gypsies don't do well inside stone walls. @becaus3austincarlileisperfect - Tumblr Blog

In case you ever come to this page again, just wanted to say...

Fuck you.

More often than not, I feel sorry. I feel bad. I feel guilty for the little things I did here and there. But recently when I reflect on it all, I feel angry. I feel hatred for you, all you are, and all you've done to me. You never loved me. You don't give up on people you love when things aren't perfect. You never cared, you still don't. You never listened, you never wanted to help me. You said I should have changed, but where was your change? I know I'm a crazy bitch, but it's so much more than that under the surface. You were supposed to dig, and plant flowers in my empty spots. But instead you left me lifeless and broken. Not just in the end, but everyday for a long while. You're selfish, and immature and I'm starting to realize that's all you'll ever be. I've realize how manipulative and fake you are. I've opened my eyes to your true intentions and actions. Why the fuck should I feel bad? Why should I feel guilty? All I ever did was love you. And try so hard.. You left me when I needed you most. You abandoned me for the easier option. You forced me from my own home, away from my pets, and eventually away from a great job opportunity. You lied to me, you said things you never meant, you made promises you'll never keep.. You had her in my home, while I was 2 doors away. You fucked her in our room, on our bed. You sat with her on our couch and laughed and drank wine from my glasses, which you later broke. You turned me away when I begged on my hands and knees to come home. You screamed at me to go away, told me you didn't love me.. Kicked me while I was down.. You pretended to care I was leaving but you were laughing with Madi behind that door as I was walking away. You neglected my cats and tried to give them away. You stopped taking care of our home and let it go unpaid when you promised you wouldn't do that to my fathers name. You broke me, ruined me, tore me apart. I didn't move, I didn't eat, for weeks. You took the final piece of who I was and you hold onto it hoping one day when you're alone again I'll come running back.. But you're wrong. Fuck you. Fuck your fake apologizes. Fucking your feelings you stupid gap toothed dyke loser. Fuck you. Drop dead.

It's just unfair..

That you still hold nearly all of my heart and I, a mer fraction of yours.. That I dream about you, think about you, constantly. While I probably rarely cross your mind.. It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't still feel like this after so long.. But it does.. And I don't think it will ever stop..

Ok so here’s goes nothing..

Or maybe something.

More than likely nothing because you’ll probably never read it. I don't check your stuff because I just don't need to see it. And you never really checked Litas while we were together and you loved her more than me so I doubt you check mine.

But where do I begin.. I’m ok in case you ever wonder. I’m not by any means whole, nor the same. But I’m ok. Even if I have to fake it, which is more often than not, I smile everyday.

I know I wasn’t perfect, I made so many mistakes. I blame myself every second since you’ve been gone. But I didn’t do this on my own... If you would have talked to me more, helped me, I could have been what I am now, then. I’m so much better than ever Andria. You’d be so proud. It kills me you’ll probably never get this me when you’ve deserved it for so long.

I have a job, a good one. I save money and pay my bills. I’m not as angry, I’ve become so good at controlling it. I go to the gym and eat healthy. I keep my nails done and my feet too. I wear what I’ve been wanting to for so long. I’m working on my education and I’m so independent. I’m getting my GED and starting pole classes within a month, by summer I’ll be taking a bar tending class and I’ll be moving into my new apartment by July. So much good is happening. I’m becoming everything I’ve (you’ve) always wanted (me) to be.

The sad thing is, none of it means nearly as much as it would if you were by my side.

There’s so much to say but it seems my mind always goes blank for words when I actually wanna type... So I’ll just start with my apologies..

I’m sorry for talking to John how I shouldn’t have. I wont apologize for saying I love him back when he said it, because I just think that's right. But I know it was wrong to call him bayba and stuff. I guess I was being selfish. I know how bad it hurt you and I’d give anything to take it back. I just thought wrong at the time. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for ever hitting you. Except for with Erica. I never wanted to hurt you. I regret it so much. Thinking about it now makes me feel like a monster. I still don't know why I get how I get, but I’m fighting against it so hard. I don't wanna be like that anymore. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for always overreacting about messiness and other small things. I should have just been quiet and cleaned up around you. Its just hard to ignore the way I feel all the time. But for someone I love as much as you I should have learned to keep my mouth shut about it. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you when inappropriate, I shouldn't have expected you to change what you just can’t. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I never got a chance to have a real job and work to help you. I think part of why I was so crazy about cleaning and stuff was because I wanted so badly to feel like I was contributing in any way possible. I swear I’m not lazy. I love working, I love my current job. I did try all the time. It was just really hard with you always having the car and me not knowing the area. I wish I could have been more independent the way I am now. I know it would have helped our relationship so much if I could have. I think things would be a lot different right now if I had a job then. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I pushed for an apartment that was more than we needed. I was just excited. I’ve never had any space that was mine like that before. I just wanted us to be happy and have everything we wanted and I didn't wanna wait. I’m sorry I bit off more than we could chew. And I’m sorry I fought so hard against Ashley moving in. I know you had the best intentions and when I saw you cry about how stressed you were over rent and wanting extra money for us to do stuff it broke my heart that it took me so long to agree. I was selfish and didn't wanna share. I should have never disagreed. I should have just been happy to have a home and you and been willing to lessen your burden. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for everything negative I’ve said since this mess began. I didn’t mean any of it. I was trying to hurt you when I should have been the bigger person. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I never fucked you right. I guess I just don't know what I’m doing, I tried. But you never told me what to do, you never told me what you wanted and I was scared to mess up. I just didn’t know. I love every inch of your beautiful body and I wanted so bad to show you but I thought that wasn't what you wanted. I’m sorry

I’m sorry for that night. I was just so angry. I don't even remember half of what happened, its a blur. But I know if it wasn't for those couple of seconds, I probably could have saved this. If I wouldn't have been so impulsive, and irrational, I’d probably still have you. I was just blinded by the thought I was gonna lose you I didn’t know what to do.... I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I gave you the opportunity to wander. I’m sorry I made you feel so unfulfilled in our relationship that you had to go find fulfillment somewhere else. I’m sorry I pushed you into someone else’s arms. And I’m sorry I’ll never measure up. I won’t deny that I almost - ALMOST left that apartment for the last time and told her how you acted and everything you said to me before I left the first time. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt it was bad karma and not something that would ever help get you back. So I just let it go. She’ll get whats coming.

I’m just sorry for everything Andria.. I’m sorry I was selfish and immature and angry and bitchy and naggy and crazy and ridiculous. I’m sorry for always yelling and causing arguments. I’m sorry for not listening and trying harder to understand. I’m sorry I didn't appreciate you or realize what I had. I’m sorry for not realizing what I was doing. I’m sorry I did this to us. I’m so sorry there aren't even enough words to explain. If I had the opportunity I’d change it all and treat you like the princess pudge penguin mister you are to me.

Even though I’m in tears right now writing this, its not all sad. We were happy once and I wanna thank you for so much.

Thank you for showing me North Carolina. It has a special place in my heart. I will always come back there and feel at home.

Thank you for always making me feel beautiful even when I was gross.

Thank you for showing me I deserve better than John and his shit. You saved me in more ways then I can describe.

Thank you for treating me better than you ever should have.

Thanks for making sacrifices for me multiple times. Madi, and your home. Miranda and so much more. I truly wasn’t worth it.

Thank you for giving me these opportunities. Both then and now. Even though losing you is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, so much good has truly come from it. My unborn child is already the center of my universe and I wouldn't have it, if you never left me. I have grown and learned so much. Its been a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for loving me once. It is the single greatest thing I was ever been blessed to feel. I’d give the world to feel it again.

I don't wanna give you the satisfaction of saying the things you wanna hear. But we both know I’m not one to be dishonest. So I’ll stroke your ego for a little while.

I won’t deny I still sleep with your shirt when I'm alone.

Or that I dreamed about being home with you not more than an hour ago.

Or that I cry after having sex with him because I’m thinking about you and its too much to handle.

Or that I roll over every morning and beg to see you laying next to me.

I wont deny I will always want you back. I would choose you over anything and anyone on the planet. You are all I have ever wanted. You will always be the greatest thing to walk into my life. I love you now more than ever. I will never stop asking the universe for a second opportunity to hold you forever.

Andria it’s probably not whats right for me. Or you. Or anyone involved. Its probably not what I should do, or what anybody wants. But given the chance I will always come running back.

You are the most beautiful, amazing, perfect human being I have ever come to know. Please don’t ever doubt that. And don’t ever forget that you are loved by someone more than they love anyone else.

Don't forget, once upon a time, someone loves you enough to go 500 miles away from him for you.

Or that someone once loved you enough to tickle your back until you fell asleep.

Or pick the chunks out of your pasta sauce..

Don't ever forget I’m here and where to find me should you need me.

And should you ever feel like you made a mistake.. please don’t hesitate to reach out.

I love you princess pudge penguin mister

- Your teapot

“When I was kissing on my baby, and she put her love down soft and sweet. In the low lamp light I was free. Heaven and hell were words to me When, my, time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down.. I'll crawl home to her..”

Please don't ask me why I'm crying..

Because I'm not sure how to answer that without breaking your heart too. And I'm not sure I even know why I am.. Perhaps I just realized something I've been fighting hard not to because it would hurt too much. Or maybe it's because I don't think I'm destined to be happy. At least not in the ways it truly matters. Material things only make me happy for a small amount of time. And you only fill half the gapping hole that's where my heart was... I wish I could say you taught me how to be happy again, but I'd be half lying. I'm settling for security when I'm dreaming of passion that isn't there. I'm sticking with easy, because I don't wanna fight for stuff anymore. But in the end, isn't fighting for something what makes it worth having?