why does this sound like a goodbye?

because it is.

[because-it-is]

time after time

it has come time now

to clear out the pastures;

to dust underneath the pictures.

and go to the dentist

to have the cracks mended.

to revisit old gravestones,

to say goodbye 

to the versions of us that have died.

the sun is so bright

on the coldest of afternoons, 

as we stand at a fork in the road, 

snow piled up on either side of the river.

your breath is ragged, i know that you are sick again.

i am praying that with every cough

you will release all those evils inside of you.

an exorcism in that

you are taking back all the parts of yourself 

you had lost. 

i called on each and every angel i could name

and every star i could see 

in the early hours 

of the morning.

and i cried out

to you

from the opposite side of the river.

it all comes down to the fact

that i smiled at you this morning

and i can’t be sure you recognized me.

it all comes down to the fact

that you are sitting in the rocking chair

with your head tilted back

and i can’t be sure you’re still breathing.

[because-it-is]

i asked you once, not long before you left, “are you ashamed to love me? do you think it’s wrong?” and you said “no.” but you couldn’t meet my eyes.

there are cracks in this canyon, there are leaks in this jar 

each cloud above us merely a breathing hole

we’re living on borrowed time

the cars continue to pass, tires screaming in protest to the ice

that has found its way to the ground, crying out for shelter

there are holes in this dome, patchy blue watercolor

cat’s cradle on the skyline

you are afraid to scare me, but i’ve never feared you

not your anger or your cold resolve

i’ve never been afraid

i know that any blood that spills from my body will be heavenly 

because it is brought on by you

there are leaks in this house

you built it with your own two hands, rock salt and nails against the world

let us conspire, rip me open with your teeth, every bit of me belongs to you so

take it, when i hold out my hand it is because i want to 

and i am not afraid

i dangle from this rooftop and you kick at my hands

let go, you tell me, let go

but i cannot, my grip has its own mind such strength, such brilliance

i am kissed by flame, buried alive in moonlight

there are stitches holding this house together now

the one you made for us

there are nasty nasty burns and dry eyes

lie to me, tell me you love me when we’re alone, tell me it doesn’t hurt, tell me you’re not leaving

let us die in green, in youth

let us forget who we were once and run through these streets until we collapse

i want to run away with you. i do.

but we both have debts left to repay.

[because-it-is]

old wives tale

i lie in bed at night thinking 

of the old wives

 the rocking chairs, the stories, 

the sheer velocity of the love 

that a human eye can hold

 i wonder what the names they were given once were,

 what they call themselves

 i wonder of the names they gave their children,

 every sacred whisper of them a blessing 

of good fortune

 i only wish someone would say my name like that,

 soft as prayer, 

earnest, eager, 

calling out in love and only love

a tone of such adoration that it 

melts the mind for a moment 

i listen to them spin stories around the fire and

wonder if they ever felt like this, begging to be understood

i asked “do you ever feel alone”

and they said 

we’re only old wives, how do you think we feel, child?

 don’t you think we want to be understood?

 don’t you know we’re afraid?

celeste died of cancer

she was too sweet for this world 

but before she died

she told me

“i know you’re young and that you have many years ahead, 

many roads left to travel”

“but you are tired and i can see this, rest for a while, rest with me”

so i did

she died that day and

 i sometimes wish that it was an invitation to follow 

but there is no good excuse for leaving 

for breaking my promise to you 

i have been gone for many years

and so on and

 so forth 

i have brought plague to this land, 

brough famine and death and disease

 with the sleight of my hand

and the old wives tell me that i’m doomed to roam, 

listless, i have a soul that won’t ever find peace

i long to be with celeste, i long to be at rest

i wish that i could explain to you why i am still here 

but i do not know

i am hanging on to you by the threads of our hearts,

 tearing them

, bleeding on your favorite clothes

i am trying to let you go

 but i can’t seem to 

even though i am hurting you more than i know

i think of you and i think of the old wives, rhythmic breathing and hymnful sighs

i think of caught breaths and cheap liquor and of kissing you goodbye

i wish someone else believed

i wish that celeste could’ve lived out her dream of being a writer, 

so that the world could see her in all her light

but things are different now and 

times have changed, the weather is growing colder 

with each shaking hand that is raised

and the wives sit inside instead of greeting me from the porches of 

rusty, broken down houses

holding the lingering hopes of

long gone

rusty, broken down men

[because-it-is]

when i was young i thought 

the bermuda triangle was a much bigger concern

i was always worried that i’d accidentally run into it

when dad left

and stayed gone

i thought maybe the bermuda triangle had gotten him

and i vowed to never

fall victim to 

rudimentary little shapes

[because-it-is]

(...execution of the false self, the ego, the id, and the superego...)

 i am whispering to you with 

my hand on your elbow, 

calling out 

in the only way i know how

begging you to understand

 that each stuttered breath, each

caught sigh

is a thousand volts to the 

center of

 my being

i only want to be close 

to you

[because-it-is]

rose-colored glasses (rockstar)  #21

look at me

look in my eyes , do you see?

heart-shaped pupils, dilated, slipping closed, i can barely breathe

there are stars in my eyes, hotter than hellfire, my skull lit aflame by your affection

dreaming

tell me that you loved me yesterday but today is not the same

today is a new day 

you are world renowned

everybody knows your name, starstruck

on fire, one with the flame, dropping names

i no longer claim the land i was made from

not born, created

needle scars, empty eye sockets, throat slit and tongue tied

can’t you see i’m a fuckin

rockstar, baby

they love what they see

they love what they make up in their 

heads full of dreams

look in my eyes can’t you tell?

cant you? 

i’m higher than a fucking kite and i’ll be

dead by daylight but 

at least i feel alive for the moment

my teeth rot

eyes roll

can’t you see it? can’t you tell?

i’m going to hell but i’m a 

rockstar baby, they love what they see

make sure the groupies get a body, they’re scrambling for a piece of whatever’s left of me

nailing themselves to the goddamn walls, eyeless, brainless

i’m a rockstar baby, on fire, burning out

ain’t it better to burn than to fade?

[because-it-is]

whatever happens, i love you, okay?

i’m burning myself alive to light your path

please be safe

i hate it when you walk alone in the dark

call me if you get scared, yeah?

i’m lighting myself on fire 

look at the stars

just keep looking up at them, they’re so pretty aren’t they?

i’m fine, sweetheart, just keep looking at the stars

i’m gonna get you one for your birthday

yeah, did you know that you could do that?

i’m gonna buy you a star and name it after you

my wick is nearing the end, but, don’t fret

i’m not cold, take my jacket, it’s alright

whatever happens, i love you, okay?

i know you’re scared

i promise i won’t let them hurt you

it’s just a cough i promise, i’m alright

calm down honey, it’s just a little blood

just watch the stars, and remember

the brightest one up there

do you see it? 

look where i’m pointing 

the brightest one riiiight there, that’s the north star

if you ever get lost, just follow that and it’ll lead you home

whatever happens, i love you, okay?

okay? no matter what, don’t forget

i know you don’t want me to go 

i don’t want to leave you either

but this is a path that we must all take one day

i know love, i know i said i wouldn’t leave you

i know, i know, shh, it’s alright

rest your head, shut your eyes

i’ll sing you to sleep, how does that sound? yeah?

i’ll just sing to you, sweet dreams

don’t worry about tomorrow, i’m here right now

sleep

and dream sweet dreams

and whatever happens, i love you, okay?

-sweetly-suffering

[because-it-is]

i know that you have been gone for over a year now and i know that you are not coming back

yet i still feel like i did then, empty and waiting for your return

i keep having to remind myself that i am part of your past and not of your future

i know this is over and that it has been for a long time

i know that you will never be mine again, i know

but i miss you

desperately, openly, brokenly

with every bit of aching heart that i have

with every painful, shallow breath that i take 

i miss you

i know that you are happy, i wish you all the happiness in the world

i only wish that i could be the one to give it to you

[because-it-is]

i will travel this world and all other worlds that may exist but i will not leave you no, never for a moment i will not go where you cannot follow

[because-it-is]

i sat on the roof of subway with my friends last night, drunk. and it just goes to show that we are reckless and we are desperate to feel. we are cool. we are falling apart. we were, once.

[because-it-is]

gentle at your mercy

i wish i were a cloud

reaching forever in all directions

so that i may envelop you in myself

in oneness, in

unity

i would shade you from the heat

an evaporate in the process 

in us, in we

nothing any longer 

but here, gentle at your mercy

[because-it-is]

candles

we are candles

and with only one match

i shiver

as your wick ignites

i will sell every bit of my soul so that yours stays intact

i only hope you’ll let me 

sit close to you

and share your warmth

[because-it-is]

putting the dog back to sleep

my head has been aching for hours. throbbing, vision swimming. i can barely keep my head up. i have started the decomposition process, hands stretched upward to the sky in pleading. i am fading. dimming. duller by the moment. promise me you’ll hold my hand when i go. i can’t bear leaving alone. i want to die so badly sometimes and other times i am terrified that this is already over. i am dying. i am terrified. i mourn for the life that i will never live. i weep. i am here again, at your altar, pleading. prove to me i’m not gonna die alone. i remember when we buried rascal. he was so warm and then so cold, mom and granny went to the vet so they could hold him while he went. he needed to be put out of his misery. maybe i do as well. perhaps i am just an old dog begging to be put down. the wind was blowing. i sat at the window and cried for my mom and cried for that dog and cried for the chains i was held in. i cried as dad yelled at me. i’ll give you something to cry about. we covered him in a sheet and put fake sunflowers on his grave, that way they would always be there. i remember seeing him, walking around outside. hearing him bark even years later. maybe wishing brought him back. maybe i held onto him because he was safe. and warm. bigger than me. gentle, dark brown eyes. and he is gone now and i will see him again soon, i hope. even though i know that all dogs go to heaven and i am hellbound. goodnight rascal, wherever you are. i am thinking of you. prove to me i’m not gonna die alone.

[because-it-is]

wait.

i will sit on this park bench waiting for you 

even when my body starts rotting

i am typing with my eyes closed

the high tide is coming in and i cannot swim

i will sit on this shoreline as the waves crash over me

and i will wait for you

you promised you’d come home.

[because-it-is]

send me prompts <3

[because-it-is]

fulfill me

fulfill me

i move as quickly as my fragile body can

a thousand insects

crawling inside, begging to be set free

my stomach is in knots

i too, wish for freedom

i am at your altar

and i am asking you one more time

to love me even as it is fleeting and

my body crumbles to dust

the universe is halted by

the mere action

of your soft breathing

[because-it-is]

November

It was a cool November morning, the first tinges of winter springing from the ground. I looked in front of me as I exhaled and I watched your breath spill from my lips. You are part of me. It rained that day and I sat outside the window for hours, waiting for your car to pull into my driveway. I don’t know why I expected you to come home. We passed each other on the street. I smiled. You smiled. And then you continued walking, as easy as that, gone from me again. We were strangers today, even though it seems I was only born the day that I met you. Our souls were intertwined from the beginning. I’m begging you to let me in. Please. The cold creeps under the door, a draft, an unfortunate consequence. It brings with it the cough, the desperate aching under skies where the stars have all gone on. I will see you again. I am leaving this place but wait for me. Wait for me and I will come home with the dying rays of the sun. I will return in Spring when your face is dimmed by fog and it no longer aches to hear your name. I say it aloud now in hopes that you’ll feel it somehow, a calling card, an invitation. My heart is open for you to walk in and to make yourself at home. Take your shoes off, stay awhile. There is nothing quite as beautiful as the kind of love that tears me apart. I love you like a scavenger, picking apart what little there is left in front of me in hopes to find some part of you that you’re willing to let me have. I miss you, I’m feverish with it. I sweat and I ache and I am so very cold even so. Teach me how to go on living. Show me what it’s like to understand. I woke this morning with only thoughts of you, throat sore from begging. I long for you so much, in everything that I do there is the hope that it will make you proud. I am grieving. I cry for the life we’ll never have. I mourn for what could’ve been. You asked me what was wrong today and I didn’t have the heart to tell you that you have broken me down and beaten me. It was never your intention to hurt me. I know that you love me but you are not in love with me and I am so very tired of being afraid. It must’ve torn you apart when I begged you to let me go but I knew naught else to do. I am tired of being tired and I’m sick of being sick. Just once, I wish I had the words to explain. I am not angry with you. I do not fault you for the things we cannot have. I only hope that you will remember that I love you and that that will be enough. I only hope that you understand. I am not jealous, I am only trying to reconcile with myself. I am proud of you. I exhale. Release you from me. You are free from the chains I have made. I love you, even still.